Cards Featuring Funny Jokes, Dirty Jokes and Adult Humor
Cards Featuring Funny Jokes, Dirty Jokes and Adult Humor
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OK. You came to NobleWorks Cards looking to buy joke cards online - even dirty joke cards. We understand that you would prefer to transact this unsavory business from the privacy of your own home or office rather than in a store under the watchful eyes of a suspicious sales clerk who thinks you're a dirty old man or lady or a nosy fellow shopper who suspects you're simply some kind of pervert. Fortunately, at NobleWorksCards.com, you can indulge your foul tastes in privacy. No one needs to know except you - and the NSA, of course. Even so, you may still feel a tad bit guilty. So we've given you a huge page full of some of the funniest jokes you'll ever read. The cataracts of laughter these jokes will unleash will help you forget your guilt.
School Jokes | Lifesavers
Once there was a teacher who wanted to see how her students associated flavors with color for a class project. She had all the children Life Savers and asked them what each color tasted like.
Orange was orange,yellow was lemon, green was lime and red was cherry. Then she gave the class honey Life Savers. None of the children could guess the taste.
She decided to give them a hint, 'It is what your mother may call your father.'
A little girl gasped, spit her candy out and screamed, 'Everyone stop! They're assholes!'
The teacher had to walk out of the classroom to keep from laughing.
Old Age | Here's a Better Idea
We should have all the elderly in jail instead of nursing homes and all the criminals in nursing homes. Why? This would give the elderly access to daily showers, recreational activities and free cable TV. Prescription drugs, dental treatment, medicine and wheelchairs would all be at their disposal.
They would receive prison money instead of having to pay for their stay. With all the cameras monitoring them, they would be helped as soon as they needed it. Guards would check on them every 20 minutes.
Bedding would be washed every week and all their clothes are washed, ironed and returned to them. They could go to the library and see funny library cards or church whenever they wanted.
They would get daily phone calls from family and friends. ACLU would protect them and defend their rights.
Now, let's talk about the criminals. They would get cold food, would only get to shower once a week. They would live in tiny rooms that cost them $2,000 a month that they would have no hope of ever getting out of. What's better than that, other than a gay prison card?
Religious Jokes | A Jewish Man's Wish
A childless, poor, single Jewish man who lives with his deaf mother, prays to God to improve his life.
God is very pleased with him but tells him he will only grant him one prayer.
The Jewish man says, "Okay. My one and only wish is for my mother to hear my daughter play the violin at Carnegie Hall before heading to her NYU graduation party in our five million dollar condo that my beautiful wife has planned."
God said, "I still have a lot to remember about keeping promises to the Jews."
Religious Jokes | Jewish Oneliners
I just came back from a pleasure trip. I dropped my Jewish mother-in-law off at the airport.
Oy vey. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be in love with the same man for 30 years. But it would be very unlucky if my husband found out.
We always hold hands. If he lets go, I shop.
My husband and I spent the night in the same room we had our honeymoon at, but I spent most of the time in the bathroom crying.
We got a waterbed. I call it the Dead Sea.
My friend was at the beauty shop for an hour. That was only for the estimate.
The doctor gave my boyfriend 3 months to live. Because of his bad credit, he couldn't get a loan to pay the hospital bill so the doctor gave him an extra six months.
A Jewish doctor told a sick man he'd live to be 80. The man said he was 80. "See? What did I tell you?" the doctor said.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They think they're worth it.
Behavioral scientists found out why Jewish and Catholic women like Chinese food so much. The study showed that "won ton" backwards spelled, "not now."
Why don't Jewish mothers like to drink? It messes up with their suffering.
A Jewish boy was happy to get a part in a play. He told his mother he got the role of the Jewish husband. "No," the mother said. "Go back and demand a speaking part!"
Why are Jewish males all circumcised? Because Jewish women don't accept anything that isn't at least 15 percent off.
Alcohol Humor | About Drinking
The one thing that helped me wake up this morning was knowing I won't remember anything I did last night.
Drinking alcohol will cause the brain and the mouth to function independently.
Life, if you're going to give lemons, then give me some sugar and vodka because that that lemonade would taste horrible.
"Drink Responsibly" means don't spill it.
Experts say a 1,500 calorie diet is best. For people who aren't good at math, that's a 12 pack of 125 beers. You're welcome!
Facebook | Funny Facebook Statuses
I caress your round shape and put my face up to your pink flesh. Oh, watermelon, how I love you! 911 Dispatcher: 911, what is your emergency?
Man: Two girls are fighting over me.
911 Dispatcher: What's the emergency, though?
Man: The ugly one is winning.
What is the difference between you and a rooster? The roster goes, "Cock-a-doodle-do." You say, "Any cock will do."
If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's had more people inside her than the statue of liberty.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send me $25 and a self addressed envelope.
I want to take a yoga class, but I can't trust my farts.
Facebook | Christmas Facebook Statuses
Gifts Cards: The polite way to tell people to buy their own damn gift.
For all you people who don't like my funny Facebook comments, I got you a present. See the mistletoe above my ass?
Dear Santa: If you promise to give me what I want, I promise to give you the antidote for cookies you ate.
Dear Santa: A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl, right?
Can I have your picture, So Santa Claus knows exactly what to give me on this CHRISTMAS.
The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.
Facebook | Halloween Facebook Statuses
It's Halloween again! Once again I will buy candy, turn off the lights and hope the Trick-or-Treaters think I'm not home.
Zombies are looking for someone with brains. So, I finally found a man!
What's with all the looks? I'm just in line with 4 bags of candy, rat poison and some razers.
You know you're old when someone is wearing your clothes as a custom.
This is my custom! I'm a nudist.
I will be a ghost this year for all the boos at the bar.
I bet you wanna see my pumpkins!
Sex Jokes | At the Pickle Factory
Once there was a man who was employed at a pickle company. He worked close to the pickle slicer, and after years of working the same position looking at dirty cucumbers all day, he started to become obsessed with the pickle slicer. He could think of nothing else but that.
One day, when everyone else was off to lunch, he jumped on the pickle slicer. He kissed the pickle slicer passionately and put his little penis inside it. Unfortunately, his boss happened to be in the factory and walked by him as he was doing it.
He came home and told his wife that he was fired from work at the pickle company that he worked at for so long because he put his penis in the slicer.
The wife pulled down his pants after he told her, but didn't notice anything different.
"Well, it's a good thing you weren't hurt," she said. "But what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, the boss fired her from work too," the man said.
Sex Jokes | The Old Man, and the Young Wife
There was an older man who married a much younger woman. They claimed to love each other very much, but their sex life was horrible. The woman never even had an orgasm, so they went to a sex counselor for advice.
The counselor said to hire a strapping young man, and have him massage her foot while the two of them made love. Despite his massaging, nothing happens.
They go back to the counselor who tells them to revise the scenario, with the old man massaging and the young man having sex with her.
The young man went to it with vigor. They were like two animals tearing into each other as they made passionate love. The wife screamed in ecstasy.
When it was over, the old man told him, "Now that's how you do a foot massage!"
Sex Jokes | Grocery Shopping
So there's this guy grocery shopping at one of those Targets that have a produce section, but that's not important. What is important is that a beautiful lady walked up to him.
"Sir," she said. "This will sound odd, but I think you're the father of one of my kids."
"WHAT? Are you sure?" the man screamed, dropping his apples.
"Yes, I remember you, " she started, but before she could finish he suddenly had a flash back.
"You're the dancer I took home from the bachelor party! We had sex for hours while your roommate video taped us and then I made her delete because I didn't want my wife to find out. Wow, it's not surprising you got pregnant," the man said.
"No, I meant I think you're the father Keston who's my English student," she said.
Sex Jokes | Coma
A woman had been in a coma for four years. A nurse was giving her a sponge bath when her vital signs spiked. She touched the woman's lady bits, and the vital signs spiked again.
The next time the husband of the patient visited, the nurse told him that maybe good oral sex might wake her from the coma. The husband didn't know what to think, but they said it would be all right, and closed the curtains for privacy.
They hear the woman's heart beat flatline and see the husband zipping his pants.
"I believe she chocked," he said.
Sex Jokes | Sex Change
Once there was a man named Jason who was confused with another Jason with the same last name. This Jason was supposed to be having a vasectomy, but when he came out of surgery, his big cock was gone.
He found out he had been mixed up with Jason who was having a sex change.
"I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" the man cried.
"Yes, you can," said the doctor. "It will just have to come from someone else."
Desert Island | Blonde
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are trapped on a desert island. A genie in a bottle washes up on shore one day. The blonde rubs it, and a genie pops out. The genie tells them that he normally only gives out three wishes to one person, but since there are three of them he will give them each one wish.
"I want to go home," the brunette says. Bam! She's gone.
"I want to go home too," the redhead says. Bam! She's gone.
"I'm so lonely here," the blonde says. "I wish my friends were here."
Desert Island | How Long has it Been?
A man has been stranded on a desert island for 5 years. One day, he sees a small boat and a woman jumps out and secures the boat to a tree. She walks over to him and asks if there is anyone else on the island.
"No, just me," says the man.
The woman takes a box of cigarettes out of her pocket.
"How long has it been since you had a smoke?" she asks.
"Five years," says the man, who takes a cigarette from her.
"How long has it been since you had a drink?" she asks.
"Five years!" the man says. She takes out a flask of alcohol.
"This is amazing!" the man says.
"And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" she asks unbuttoning her shirt.
"Oh, man! You have golf clubs in there?" he asks.
Desert Island | You Won't Believe
One day, a young man is the lone survivor of a shipwreck. He swims to a desert island. To his surprise, there is another person on the island: Jessica Alba.
After a few weeks come and go, it seems that there will be no one to rescue them. They become intimate. One day, Jessica sees him walking around looking sad.
She asks him what's wrong.
"Can I ask you a favor? It might sound strange," he asks.
"Sure," Jessica says.
"Can you draw a mustache on your face and wear a hat?" he asks.
"Oh...okay," Jessica says.
Jessica puts on the hat and mustache. The young man is suddenly happy.
"Can I call you Jason?" he asks.
"Go for it," Jessica says.
"Jason, you won't believe who I'm banging!" he says.
Desert Island | Can of Soup
Three people are stranded on a desert island: a biologist, an engineer and an economist. One day, a can of chicken soup washes up on shore.
The biologist suggests hitting it rocks until it opens. The engineer says that they can crack it when it starts to erode. The economist says, "Let's assume that there is a can opener."
If Murphy's Law Had Brothers
If you lie and say you're late because you lost your wallet then the next day you really will lose your wallet.
If you're waiting in line and change lines, that line will become the longer line.
If the bubble bath is just right, the phone will ring.
Your chances of running into someone you know increases when you're with someone you don't want to be seen with.
The greatness of the itch is proportional to how hard to reach it is.
People whose seats are in the middle will arrive latest.
As soon as you bring your coffee to your desk, you boss will call you to talk about something until your coffee is cold.
You will remember that you had bills to pay when you are near a mail box, but far from your house.
Hot glasses look just like cold ones.
A Dash of Cyanide
One day, a woman calmly walked into a pharmacy and stated, in the most normal way ever, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "What possible reason do you cyanide for?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Oh, no! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! Don't you know what happens when people go to jail? Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
Several thousand years ago, before HBO and Netflix, Moses told the children of Israel to pick up their shovels, mount your asses and camels to take them to the Promised Land.
When welfare was introduced over 75 years ago, Roosevelt in a text message to the people said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel. This is the Promised Land."
I was do sad thinking about the horrible health care plans out there, the economy, fiscal cliff, the war in Afghanistan, the unrest in the Middle East, lost jobs, lost savings, Social Security, retirement funds and so on that I called a suicide hotline.
I pressed No.1 for English and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They said, "Great! Can you drive stick shift?"
My sex life is like a Porch...I don't have a Porch.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he'll fix it. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.
I heard a guy complaining about his expensive wedding was. He is going to be real pissed when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost him.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.
My mother-in-law is coming. I had to clear my closet so she could have a place to hang upside down and sleep.
NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.
I once won an argument with a woman...in this dream I had.
I am writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.
I tried to exercise, but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, "Do you actually get paid for doing that?"
Just remember, if your girlfriend or wife agrees to have a threesome and asks which of her friends you would pick, never give two names.
It is funny when my girlfriend gives me the "silent treatment." She thinks it is a punishment.
If there was a way to read a woman's mind, I'm not sure I would want to. I hate shoes, shopping gossip and I already know I'm annoying.
There's nothing worse than realizing the vacation you planned was the same week as her period.
Dear women who are awesome, sexy, smart and deeply in love with me... Please start existing.
Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.
Whenever someone says to me, "You look familiar. Where have I seen you before?" I like to respond with "Do you watch porn?"