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Reviews, Card Quotes, Raunchy Jokes, Poems and More From and About NobleWorks

Here at NobleWorks, we’ve worked hard to rein in a certain type of humor that celebrates milestones like birthdays, anniversaries and tons of other holidays. It’s not an easy job, but it sure is a fun one, and we love nothing more than to share it with you. We’ve created a unique list of dirty, funny phrases plus funny card quotes, humor top lists and other jokes for you to share with everyone you love. We’re not just card-makers, we also fancy ourselves comedians, and that’s why we’ve organized all this humorous goodness for you.

Our funny top 10 lists includes lists like the Top 10 Rules of Bacon (No. 1: There’s always to be bacon in the house, always.), Top 10 Worst Mascots (We’re looking at you, Fighting Okra) and the Top 10 Signs You Might Be A Hipster (scarf collections, etc.). Perfect for sharing with your list-loving pals, these hilarious breakdowns cover tons of comedic ground in a small amount of space. Plus, we’ve created a bunch of funny bacon jokes and quotes, funny poems, and even a funny card guide that gives away some of our best-kept secrets. Our funny cartoons gallery includes some of the most hilarious cartoons by some of the best artists out there.

Here at NobleWorks, we offer so many options for funny greeting cards and jokes that we just get so excited about sharing them. If you like what you see, take a gander around our virtual shelves to find funny birthday cards, funny holiday cards and funny cards that say thank you, congratulations and I’m sorry. All of our cards are made in the U.S. with eco-friendly materials and ship free to you, so you can be sure you’re getting a high-quality, budget-friendly product.

Funny Hanukkah Jokes
- Hanukkah Jokes
  - Visiting a Jewish Mother
    Miriam, an old, Jewish grandmother was giving directions to her Jewish son who was coming to visit with his wife. It was the first time he had visited her since she had moved to her new apartment.
    
    "You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 2B," Miriam says. "There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 2B. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 2. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
    
    "Mother, that sounds easy," replies the grandson, "but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
    
    Miriam gasps, "You're coming to visit me empty handed?"
    
    Jewish at the Post Office
    Ella goes to the post office to buy stamps (she was hoping for funny stamps) for her Hanukkah cards and she says to the cashier, "Can I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"
    
    The cashier asks, "What denomination?"
    
    "Oy vey, has it come to this?" Ella asks. "OK, give me three Orthodox, ten Conservative, and twenty Reform."
    
    If Your Computer Converted to Judaism
    Instead of a "Start" button, it would say "Hurry Up, Already."
    
    Your screen saver would have flying dreidels.
    
    It would shut down automatically on Friday night, which was also casual Friday.
    
    If your computer dies, you have to throw them away within 24 hours.
    
    Hanukkah One-Liners
    Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. - Sam Goldwyn
    
    I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up...they have no holidays. - Henny Youngman
    
    My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. - David Steinberg
    
    God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change? - Shalom Aleichem
    
    Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. - Richard Lewis
    
    The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin
    
    Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil. - Golda Meir
    
    Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. - Peter Malkin
    
    Don't be humble; you are not that great. - Golda Meir
    
    God will pardon me. It's His business. - Heinrich Heine
    
    If Hanukkah and Christmas Merged
    Following the modern trend of huge company mergers, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge! A holiday industry leader said at an office party that the deal had been in the works for thousands years.
    
    According to their press release, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah will benefit both sides. We will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the projected holiday is being called.
    
    Some layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being let go first. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the drediel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider customer base.
    
    While they were at it, the translating of "A great miracle happened there," was changed to the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."
    
    During the merger, it is believed that Jewish people will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
    
    One of the more pressing points that had been holding up the merger for the past 200 years was if Santa could have the milk and cookies after eating a hamburger.
    
    Another breakthrough happened, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
    
    A spokeswoman for Christmas, wouldn't speak on camera about adding Kwanzaa in the near future. She merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. She then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
    
    Heavenly Money
    Levi was thinking about life and asked God how much a penny was worth in heaven because he was always told "A penny for your thoughts."
    
    God said, "One million dollars."
    
    Levi asked if time was the same. It wasn't.
    
    Levi asked, "How long is a minute?"
    
    God said, "A million years."
    
    Levi thought about it and said, "God, can I have a penny?"
    
    God said, "Sure, in a minute."
    
    Sweaters and Gloves
    My mother once gave me two pair of gloves and a two ugly sweaters for Hanukkah.
    
    The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one pair of each.
    
    As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
    
    Chanukablanca
    "Play it again, Sam" - H. Bogart, Casablanca parody by Joe Hample
    
    You must remember this,
    A bris is still a bris,
    A chai is just a chai.
    Pastrami still belongs on rye,
    As time goes by.
    
    With holidays in view,
    A Jew is still a Jew,
    On that you can rely.
    No matter if we eat tofu
    As time goes by.
    
    Old shtetl customs, never out of date.
    All those potatoes someone has to grate.
    One flame in the window,
    keep counting till there's eight
    To light the winter sky.
    
    In the Bronx or in the Mission,
    It's still the same tradition,
    That no one can deny.
    We roam, but we recall our birthright,
    As time goes by.
    
    Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date.
    Ancient Semitic glories to relate.
    Blue-and-white giftwrap, ain't this country great,
    And festive chazerai!
    
    It's still the same old Torah,
    It's still the same menorah,
    We've latkes still to fry.
    December's when I feel most Jewish,
    As time goes by.
    
    The Eight Nights of Hanukkah
    On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said,
    You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.
    
    On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    Have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.
    
    On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    Here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.
    
    On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    Taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but
    you'd better lose weight or you'll be dead.
    
    On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
    Taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.
    
    On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    Don't you like the doughnuts?
    YOU'RE GETTING FAT! Taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.
    
    On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    Take another brownie,
    YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
    Taste my sugar cookies,
    Here's your chocolate dreidel,
    Have a few more latkes, but
    You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
    
    On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    Try my home-made strudel,
    Take another brownie,
    YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
    Taste my sugar cookies,
    Here's your chocolate dreidel,
    Have a few more latkes, but
    You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead.
- Hanukkah Top 10 List
  - Reasons Hanukkah is Better Than Christmas
    10. No roof damage from reindeer.
    9. Never a silent night when you're among Jewish loved ones.
    8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it.
    7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races.
    6. You can use your fireplace.
    5. Spin-the-dreidel games.
    4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.
    3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth.
    2. Cheer optional.
    1. No Irving Berlin songs.
- Hanukkah Quotes
  - Top 10 Good Hanukkah Quotes
    May love and light fill your home and heart at Hanukkah – Unknown
    
    On Hanukkah, the first dark night,
    Light yourself a candle bright.
    I'll you, if you will me invite
    To dance within that gentle light
    – Nicholas Gordon
    
    Hanukkah is about the spark of the divine in all of us made in God's image – Suzanne Fields
    
    Is not Hanukkah a symbol of Israel, and its light a symbol of his immortality? – Leo Jung
    
    We light candles in testament that faith makes miracles possible – Nachum Braverman
    
    Blessed is the match consumed in kindling flame. Blessed is the flame that burns in the secret fastness of the heart – Hannah Senesh
    
    Colorful candles burning bright, each lit on eight very special nights – Unknown
    
    May the lights of Hanukkah usher in a better world for all humankind – Unknown
    
    Just as Hanukkah candles are lighted one by one from a single flame, so the tale of the miracle is passed from one man to another, from one house to another, and to the whole House of Israel throughout the generations – Judah L. Magnes
    
    Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call – Richard Lewis
Funny New Year's Jokes
- New Year's Jokes
  - An Irish Girl comes back for New Years
    The other asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?"
    
    The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."
    
    "Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."
    
    "OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million."
    
    "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
    
    "Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.
    
    Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"
    
    "Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
    
    New Years Eve One Liners
    A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. It's about having a good year!
    
    My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
    
    New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
    
    My New Year's resolution is 1080p I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.
    
    My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
    
    I have only one resolution: To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have!
    
    This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.
    
    People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event.
    
    If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.
    
    New Year's Jog
    What's the problem with jogging on New Year's Eve? The ice falling from your drink (and not hens and cocks in hand).
    
    Resolutions for Pets
    10. Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
    9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
    8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the butts.
    7. Funny Gerbil: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat, or they'll flush me!
    6. Bite that freak who gives me that shot every year.
    5. Grow extra thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is enough.
    4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
    3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
    January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
    2. Find out if the garbage collector is stealing our stuff.
    1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it leave the human's hand.
    
    Jokes for the Elderly
    God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
    The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
    And the eyesight to tell the difference.
    Happy Gnu Year!
    
    Dieting Resolutions
    2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.
    2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.
    2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
    2013: I will work out every day.
    2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies
    
    Sigh, all aboard for a happy New Year!
    
    New Year Prayer
    Dear God,
    So far this has been great! I haven't gossiped about my friends. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, cruel, or rude. I'm very thankful. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help to get through the New Year.
    
    The Wish
    On New Year's Eve, Patty stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
    
    Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.
    
    Resolution to Quit Smoking
    John, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Dave, and asks for a smoke.
    
    "I thought you made a New Year's resolution and that you don't smoke," Dave says.
    
    "I'm in the process of quitting," replies John with a grin. "I am in the middle of phase one."
    
    "Phase one?" asks David.
    
    "Yeah," laughs John, "I've quit buying."
    
    New Year's Dream
    Jenna was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Dave, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"
    
    "Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Dave.
    
    t midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Dave approached Jenna and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a funny book entitled "The meaning of dreams."
- Top 10 New Year's Resolutions
  - Top 10 Resolutions for Teens
    10. Realize that sexy vampires werewolves don't exist no matter how much I want them to.
    9. Goodbye duckface, hello sparrow mouth!
    8. Get dressed before noon.
    7. Less Twitter more Facebook!
    6. Talk on my phone less. In the bathroom.
    5. Prepare for zombies.
    4. Prepare for dating in a zombie world.v 3. Prepare for S.A.T. tests...in a zombie world.
    2. Learn to drive.
    1. Learn to drive on roads filled with zombies.
    
    Top 10 Resolutions for Men
    10. Find out why all my clothes have shrank. Again.
    9. Read that book, "Stop Procrastinating" that I bought three years ago.
    8. Figure out why supermodels don't want to date plain, bald men as the media has led me to believe.
    7. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.
    6. Prepare for dating supermodels in the zombie apocalypse (it could happen, right?)
    5. Vamp up that eHarmony profile with some spiffy pics of ex-girlfriends half cut off in every profile picture. That's attractive, right?
    4. Mention in eHarmony how I'm a great date and can zap a zombie.
    3. Stock up on beer.
    2. Stock up on condoms just in case!
    1. Get a job.
    
    Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Women
    10. Get some better outfits.
    9. Hit the gym for real this year.
    8. Diet.
    7. Cut back on lattes.
    6. Take charge.
    5. Travel more!
    4. Believe in myself.
    3. Wear all the shoes I have bought!
    2. Screen the freaks on my online dating profile.
    1. Stop dating losers who are obsessed with zombies on eHarmony.
- New Year's Quotes
  - Top 10 Quotes for New Year's
    First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. — Scott Fitzgerald
    
    I don't even drink on the New Year! I can't stand the taste of alcohol — Kim Kardashian
    
    Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties — Barbara Walters
    
    I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the years' — Henry Moore
    
    Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness — Shakespeare
    
    I doubt if you can have a truly wild party without liquor — Tucker Carlson
    
    I get half a million just to show up at parties. My life is, like, really, really fun — Paris Hilton
    
    Celebrate what you want to see more of — Tom Peters
    
    If you asked me for my New Year Resolution, it would be to find out who I am — Cyril Cusack
    
    All of us every single year, we're a different person. I don't think we're the same person all our lives — Steven Spielberg
- New Year's Traditions
Funny Christmas Pictures & Jokes
- What are the Names of Santa's Reindeer?
  - Answer:
    Dasher
    Dancer
    Pracer
    Vixen
    Comet
    Cupid
    Donner
    Blitzen
    Rudolph
- Funny Christmas Tree Toppers
  - These are the funniest collection of Christmas tree toppers we could find on the internet. Why not spice up your Christmas tree with something different during the holidays? Hopefully, these will give your some inspiration.
    
    UFO Alien Tree Topper: Out of This World
    
    Redneck Christmas Tree Topper: Little Bit Country, Little Rock-n-Roll, Little Bit Recycling
    
    Angel Dog Christmas Tree Topper: Heavenly Barks
    
    Gun Tree: Extra Ammo Edition
    
    Flamingo Christmas Tree Topper: Fun With Feathers
    
    Godzilla Christmas Tree Topper: It's Huge in Japan!
    
    Halo Christmas Tree Topper: Santa Never Saw It Coming
    
    Grinch Christmas Tree Topper: The Tree That Stole Christmas
    
    Jesus Christmas Tree: Do Unto Others
    
    Sexy Tree Topper: Making Trees More Manly
    
    Mexican Christmas Tree Toppers: Wrestle Up Some Fun
    
    Mouse Christmas Tree Topper: No One Was Stirring, Not Even a Mouse
    
    Nicolas Cage Christmas Tree Topper: A Different Kind of Christmas Star
    
    Robot Tree Topper: Mechanical Love Coming Your Way
    
    Spaghetti Monster Topper: Dinner Has Got Its Eyes on You
- DIY Christmas Cards
  - NobleWorks Cards has scoured the internet for the best DIY Christmas card craft ideas for the holidays. These can be fun projects for kids and adults alike. If you don't feel like searching for glue, paper and ribbons, you can simply buy some of our already made, funny Christmas cards.
    
    The Folded Paper Tree Card
    
    This card is simple and fun to make. Simply cut five pieces of green paper with each piece a little bit smaller than the first. Then add folds to the paper and glue the ends to the inside pages of the card to make a Christmas tree.
    
    Christmas Tree Card
    
    Use scraps of paper, even leftover Christmas wrapping paper, and make little Christmas trees.
    
    Pop-Out Christmas Card
    
    With a pencil, outline a triangle in the middle of the card. Draw horizontal sections and then cut them across. Glue a second card to the back and you will have a simple, but classy Christmas tree card.
    
    Pop-Up Heart Cards
    
    These cute cards make a great gift. Check out this blog for the template and instructions.
    
    Christmas Card Wreath
    
    Using various sized hole punches, you can make this simple wreath card with scrap paper and a bow.
    
    Ribbon Tree Card
    
    This simple craft card uses scrap pieces of ribbon and sewing machine to give it a modern but quirky feel to it.
- Funny and Classic Christmas Movies
  - If you are looking for Christmas movies to match your delightfully naughty cards, we have a list of Christmas movies to get you in the holiday spirit.
    
    National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
    
    This hilarious film is as true today as it was in 1989. A dysfunctional family is simply trying to have the best Christmas possible, but a series of events makes it increasingly harder to find that holiday spirit. It stars Chevy Chase, Randy Quaid and Juliette Lewis.
    
    Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas
    
    This classic Dr. Seuss children's book comes alive and has been watched by several generations.
    
    The Polar Express
    
    The Polar Express, like most popular movies, is based on the book by the same name by Chris Van Allsburg. The story is about a boy who wants to go to the North Pole and jumps on the Polar Express for a wild adventure with other children who have run off for the thrill of seeing Santa.
    
    Santa Claus is Comin' to Town
    
    This '70s special about the origins of Christmas traditions had Fred Astaire and Mickey Rooney as voice actors.
    
    Four Christmases
    
    Four Christmases is a romantic comedy about a couple who spend Christmas with their divorced parents. Do they get four times as many gifts? Watch it and find out. It stars Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn.
    
    White Christmas
    
    White Christmas came out in the '50s and has that nifty Technicolor people always talk about. Like many classic TV romances, it involves two WWII buddies and some blondes.
    
    Scrooge
    
    Scrooge is based on the book "Christmas Carol" about an old rich man who hates Christmas until three ghosts threaten him into giving his money away so people will like him. It's kind of paying people to be your friends when you join a fraternity.
    
    Christmas in Connecticut
    
    Christmas in Connecticut is another WWII romantic comedy. There is some kind of mischief about an article written about farm life and cooking but the writer is just making it up and really lives in a little New York City apartment and can't cook to save her life. The people who read the article invite themselves to her nonexistent farm. Guess you'll just have to watch the movie to see how she gets out of that one.
    
    Home Alone
    
    Filmed a few decades ago, Home Alone is still the classic Christmas story about a boy whose family forgets about him and goes to another country and he must defend his house against the world's stupidest crooks.
    
    It's a Wonderful Life
    
    It's a Wonder Life is a Christmas movie from the '40s that became a holiday hit because it was such a box office bomb that it wasn't copyrighted and stations could air it for free in the '70s.
    
    Elf
    
    Elf is a hilarious adoption story about a man raised by elves who heads to New York to find his biological father who wants to deny his existence.
    
    Jingle all the Way
    
    See the former governor of California fight over a toy for Christmas in Jingle all the Way.
- Funny Christmas Pictures
  - Here are the funniest and most random Christmas pictures we could find. We searched the oddity that is the world wide web and couldn't stop laughing. From Google, Facebook and even the college library, we have something to make you chuckle.
    
    Angry Christmas Cat
    
    Christmas Office Party Drinking Chart
    
    Chemistry Christmas Tree
    
    Star Wars Snowman
    
    Christmas Light Extension Chord
    
    Tree That Poops Elves
    
    Lego Snowman
    
    The Cat Is Stuck In The Christmas Tree
    
    Christmas Handicapped Parking Spot
    
    Christmas, Fight-Club Style
    
    Satan's Christmas Cards
    
    On the First Day of Christmas...
    
    Wal-Mart: Irony Level 100
    
    Star Was: Nativity Scene
- Funny Christmas Family Photos
  - Many people take Christmas family photos to share with friends and family during the Christmas season. There is nothing wrong with that. Some families, however, take it to an entirely new level. At no point did they say to themselves, "Hey, on second thought, maybe we shouldn't send these photos out." And that's what makes these photos the great photos that they are. Enjoy! If you're debating whether or not your Christmas family photos could end up on here, why not send one of our best Christmas cards instead?
    
    Leaf Censor Family Christmas Photo
    
    Storm Trooper Christmas Photo
    
    Christmas Tree Family Christmas Photo
    
    Pajama Christmas Family Photo
    
    Baby Bump Christmas Family Photo
    
    Creepy Santa Christmas Photo
    
    ...
    
    Justin Timberlake Christmas Photo
    
    Tree That Poops Elves
    
    Lego Snowman
    
    Cat Stuck In The Christmas Tree
    
    Another Family Christmas Tree Photo
    
    Emo Family Christmas Photo
    
    Christmas Monkey Photo
    
    Inappropriate Shirt, Christmas Family Photo
    
    Naked Dad, Christmas Family Photo
    
    Redneck Christmas Photo
    
    Dog Family Christmas Photo
    
    Get Out of Jail, Christmas Family Card
- Best Places to Travel for Christmas
  - Where: Santa Cruz, California, US.
    
    Why: Surfing on Christmas. What could be better than that?
    
    Santa Cruz makes for a fun Christmas travel destination because where else can you see surfing Santas on the beach? It looks like there are no lost elves here.
    
    Where: New Orleans, Louisiana, US
    
    Why: Candlelight caroling, classical concerts and amazing Creole cuisine.
    
    New Orleans makes for a great Christmas vacation for a family or a couple who wants something different, but traditional at the same time. Enjoy a Christmas family dinner in this fabulous city.
    
    Where: Puerto Rico
    
    Why: It's exotic but Americans don't need a passport to get there.
    
    Puerto Rico makes for a unique Christmas vacation with historical building, Spanish music and delicious Puerto Rican food. The best part is, you won't have to complain to Santa about your Christmas.
    
    Where: New York, New York, US
    
    Why: Watching the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree turn on, ice skating, Central Park in the wintertime and all the stores lit up.
    
    New York is Christmas destination for many people because of the unique Christmas feel of modern and traditional scenes that only New York can seem to offer. Maybe you can even see a reindeer fly.
    
    Where: Munich, Germany.
    
    Why: Centuries old churches and hot cocoa from the market.
    
    Munich, Germany, is Christmas vacation for those who want something with a more historic, Christmas feel. From shopping in vast open markets, to sampling delicious cuisine, Germany is far from boring.
- Funny Christmas Quotes to Santa
  - These are the best Christmas quotes that have people making Santa shake his head. What have you been quoted to Santa saying?
    
    Can you send me a picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
    
    I'm writing to say I have been naughty this year, but it was worth it.
    
    It wasn't my fault!
    
    Last year I asked for the sexiest person ever for Christmas. I woke up in a box.
    
    You know you're an adult when nothing you want for Christmas can be bought in a store.
    
    If you're not under my tree on Christmas morning, I'm going back to bed!
    
    I don't mind if I don't get any presents, Santa, as long as no one else gets anything.
    
    Christmas is odd. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
    
    Fruitcake, the Christmas mystery.
    
    Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
- Nice Christmas Quotes
  - Nice Christmas Quotes from Wiki Quote.Org
    
    Christmas isn't just a day, it's a frame of mind -- Valentine Davies in Miracle on 34th Street.
    
    Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas --Calvin Coolidge in Chicken soup for the Soul
    
    God rest ye, little children; let nothing you afright,
    For Jesus Christ, your Saviour, was born this happy night;
    Along the hills of Galilee the white blocks sleeping lay,
    When Christ, the child of Nazareth, was born on Christmas day -- Dinah Craik in "Christmas Carol,"
    
    I have often thought, says Sir Roger, it happens very well that Christmas should fall in the Middle of winter. -- Joseph Addison
    
    There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. -- Erma Bombeck
    
    Christmas day is a day of joy and charity. May God make you very rich in both. -- Phillips Brooks
    
    The feet of the humblest may walk in the field
    Where the feet of the Holiest trod,
    This, then, is the marvel to mortals revealed.
    When the silvery trumpets of Christmas have pealed,
    That mankind are the children of God. -- Phillips Brooks.
    
    Christmas has lost its meaning for us because we have lost the spirit of expectancy. We cannot prepare for an observance. We must prepare for an experience. --Handel H. Brown
    
    Christmas! The very word brings joy to our hearts. No matter how we may dread the rush, the long Christmas lists for gifts and cards to be bought and given — when Christmas Day comes there is still the same warm feeling we had as children, the same warmth that enfolds our hearts and our homes. -- Joan Winmill Brown
- Strange Christmas Traditions
  - Strange Christmas Traditions
    
    Mari Lwyd
    
    No, that isn't a misspelling. The Mari Lwyd is an ancient Christmas tradition that is so old it predates Christianity. Before Christmas was a holiday, the Celtic people in Glamorgan, who we are sure must be glamorous people, marked the darkest days of winter with this odd horse-skull tradition.
    
    It was celebrating a rebirth of nature with the passing of the darkest, deadest days. Evergreens, ivy, holly and, of course, zombie horses, were all part of the festival. The Mari Lwyd is a mare's skull with a white sheet and pole.
    
    This thirsty zombie horse, and its friends, hit up all the pubs singing songs causing mayhem and mischief until someone lets them in.
    
    Black Peter
    
    Black Peter is Netherland's Sinterklass who pops up the day before St. Nickolas Day with his slave to take bad children to Spain.
    
    Krampus
    
    Krampus is a demonic beast that appears during the Yule-time season in to beat down bad children (and random drunkards) as a contrast to Saint Nickolas, who is giving presents to good children.
    
    With bells, rusty chains and that disgusting face, he is a terror to everyone who crosses paths with him.
    
    Donald Duck
    
    What does Donald Duck have to do with Christmas? Well, in Sweden since the late 1950s, families often gather around the TV and watch Donald Duck cartoons. If channels didn't carry the cartoon on Christmas, people would protest. It since has become a tradition.
    
    Snap-Dragon Game
    
    Bet you didn't know that kids used to be encouraged to play with brandy and fire by their parents from the 16^th to 19^th centuries on Christmas Eve. This winter time game involved plucking raisins and other sweets from a burning bowl of brandy without getting too burnt by extinguishing the burning treats in their mouths.
    
    Christmas Caterpillar
    
    In some southern African countries, people mark the start of Christmas with a fried caterpillar treat!
    
    Kangaroo Santa Claus
    
    While doing his layover in Australia, dear old Santa ditches those pesky reindeer for some bouncy kangaroo to get around the island continent.
    
    Rolling Skating Mass
    
    In Caracas Venezuela, the streets are closed off so people can roller skate to church on Christmas.
You Know You're Old When...Old-Age Jokes
- You Know You Are 40
  - You know you are 40 when you've been there and done that, but don't remember what that was.
    
    You know you are old when you stop growing at both ends and start growing in the middle.
    
    You know you are old when you can cough, fart, sneeze and pee at the same time.
    
    You know you are old when you got to second base with a TSA screener.
    
    You know you are old when the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.
    
    You know you are old when you are too old to learn new tricks but your old tricks work just as well.
- You Know You Are 50
  - You know you are 50 when you knew when the Dead Sea was only sick.
    
    You know you are old when you go to the beach and turn a wonderful color: Blue. It's from holding your stomach in.
    
    You know you are old when people tell you how good you look.
    
    You know you are old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
    
    You know you are old when the candles cost more than the cake.
    
    You know you are old when you tell people you are retro.
- You Know You Are 60
  - You know you are old when you hear your favorite songs in an elevator.
    
    You know you are old when you're told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.
    
    You know you are 60 years old when you eat supper at 5 p.m.
- You Know You Are 70
  - You know you are 70 when you have a hard time locating the keys in your pocket and finding your cell phone when it rings, but you can find the snooze button from four feet away with your eyes closed.
    
    You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit.
- You Know You Are 80
  - You know you are old when you write a note to yourself reminding you not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
    
    You know you are 80 when your staying power is for the cake.
- You Know You Are 90
  - You know you are old when kidnappers aren't very interested in you.
    
    You know you are old when people no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- You Know You Are 100
  - You know you are old when there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
    
    You know you are old when you are too old to care.
    
    You know you are 100 years old when you see expensive antiques and you remember one just like it that you threw away.
- You Know You Are Old | Children
  - You know you're old when you start lying about your children's ages.
    
    You know you are old when you spot that first gray hair...on your kid.
- You Know You Are Old | Relationships
  - You know you are old when you still got it, but don't know what to do with it.
    
    You know you are old when you see a cute guy and start to calculate if you could be his mom.
    
    You know you are old when you keep some people's numbers just so you know not to answer.
- You Know You Are Old | Work
  - You know you are old when work is a lot of fun, and fun is a lot of work.
- You Know You Are Old | Sex
  - You know you are old when you have sex on the first date because there might not be a second. Ever.
    
    You know you are old when "Getting any?" means sleep.
    
    You know you are old when the only thing that gets hard is arteries.
    
    You know you are old when you can live without sex, but not your glasses.
- You Know You Are Old | Death
  - You know you are old when you don't think about dying because it's the last thing you want to do.
    
    You know you are old when eating right and exercising means you're going die anyway.
    
    You know you are old when you live each day as it was your last. You'll get it right someday.
    
    You know you are old when you read the obituary to check on your friends.
- You Know You Are Old | Retirement
  - You know you are old when your investment in health insurance has paid off.
    
    You know you are old when you say goodbye to tension and hello to pension.
    
    You know you are old when your only problem with retirement is that you never get a day off.
    
    You know you are old when you get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You Know You Are Old | Memory
  - You know you are old when you speed because you don't want to forget where you're going.
    
    You know you are old when you've been diagnosed with CRS: Can't remember shit.
    
    You know you are old when you stop searching for the meaning of life to focus on searching for your car keys.
    
    You know you are old when you just smile and nod after asking, "What?You know you are old when you look down at your watch three consecutive times and still don't know what time it is.
    
    You know you are old when your secrets are safe with your friends...because they won't remember them.
    
    You know you are old when you buy pills to improve your memory but forget where you put them.
    
    You know you are old when your brain cells are down to a manageable size.
- You Know You Are Old | Body
  - You know you are old when your eyes won't get much worse.
    
    You know you are old when you're young at heart, but you can't say the same for your other organs.
    
    You know you are old when you don't exercise because you don't want to spill your coffee.
    
    You know you're old when it's not men touching your boobs...it's the carpet.
    
    You know you are old when your dreams are dry and your farts are wet.
    
    You know you are old when your body changes and the only thing you occupy is the bathroom.
    
    You know you are old when your joints are more accurate than the meteorologists.
    
    You know you are old when your hips no longer set off the dance floor but the metal detectors.
- You Know You Are Old | Tired
  - You know you are old when Happy Hour is a nap.
    
    You know you are old when you feel bad in the morning without staying out the night before.
    
    You know you are old when you want to take back all those times you didn't nap when you were younger.
- You Know You Are Old | Food
  - You know you are old when you have a hard time deciphering between boredom and hunger.
- You Know You Are Old | Driving
  - You know you are old when you no longer see speed limits as challenges.
- Why We Miss The Innocence of Youth
  - Here are is a collection of stories about why we love and miss the innocence of youth. The way children come to some conclusions is hilarious at best. As we go into old age, it's hard to believe we were just like that at one time. Some say youth is a disease, we know that's not always true!
    
    Nudity:
    
    When I was driving with my cousins and my little brother in the back seat, a funny nude woman waved at us from a car. As I was recovering from my shock, my little 4-year-old brother said, "Sis, that lady forgot to put on her seatbelt.
    
    A child was lost at the YMCA and wound up in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, everyone shrieked and told him to get out to which he replied, "Why are you scared? Haven't you seen a boy before?"
    
    Police:
    
    While writing a report near an elementary school, a little girl came up to me and asked if I was an officer. I said I was. She said her mom said if she ever needed help to find an officer or call the police. I told her that the mother was right.
    
    "Well then," she said extending her foot, "can you help me tie my shoe?"
    
    It was the end of my shift and I parked my cruiser in front of the station. As I picked up my equipment and dog, a boy asked if that was my dog.
    
    "Yes," I said.
    
    "What crime did he do?" the boy asked.
    
    Elderly:
    
    While working for a group that delivers meals to seniors, I decided to bring my 5-year-old niece. She was puzzled over the machines attached to the patients, the walkers, wheel chairs and canes they used. She spotted a pair of teeth in a jar. I prepared myself for the questions she would ask, but was surprised over her conclusion.
    
    "The tooth and gravity fairy will never believe this!" she said.
    
    Dress Up:
    
    A little girl was watching her parents get ready for a party. She walked up to her dad and said, "Dad, don't wear that suit!"
    
    "Why?" the father said.
    
    "Because it always gives you a headache the next morning," she said.
    
    School:
    
    On the first week of school a little boy brought the teacher his homework. On top on the homework was a post-it note that read THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED BY OUR SON DO NOT IN ANY WAY REFLECT THOSE OF US, THE PARENTS.
    
    After the first week of school, our daughter had enough.
    
    "I am quitting kindergarten!" she announced.
    
    "Why?" we asked.
    
    "I can't read, I can't write and the teacher won't even let me talk!" she said.
    
    Ketchup:
    
    One day my aunt was struggling to get ketchup out of the bottle. She asked my cousin to answer the phone. My cousin picked up the phone and said, "My mom can't come to the phone. She's hitting the bottle." Then my cousin hung up and went back to playing with his toys.
    
    Religion:
    
    A child opened up a Bible and a few pressed leaves fell out. The boy went running to his mother.
    
    "Mom," he said. "Look what I found in the old Bible, it's funny."
    
    "What are they?" the mother asked.
    
    "Isn't it obvious? They're Adam's underwear!" the boy said.
- You Know You Are Old When | Best Pictures
  - You know you are old when you realize old age doesn't last that long.
    
    You know you are old when you can relate to the Seven Dwarfs of Old Age: Nappy, Wrinkly, Squinty, Rocky, Saggy, Leaky, and Farty!
    
    You know you are old when you have to buy super-sized alphabet soup.
    
    You know that you are old when being old doesn't feel so old anymore.
Funny Poems & Verses For Humorous Cards
- Humorous Birthday Poems
  - Tit for Tat
    There was a young girl from Rabat,
    Who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
    It was fun in the breeding,
    But hell in the feeding,
    And birthdays were no joy
    When she found she had no tit for Tat.
    
    Man Called Reg
    There once was a Man called Reg
    Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge
    Along came his wife
    On her birthday night
    With a big carving knife
    
    Quite Nude
    A bather whose clothing was strewed,
    By winds that left her quite nude,
    Nothing but her birthday suit
    Saw a man come along,
    And unless we are wrong,
    You expected this line to be lewd.
    
    Young Lass
    There was a young lass from Australia
    Who painted her ass like a Dahlia
    The shape it was fine
    And the color divine
    But the aroma--well, that was a faihlia
    
    Victor to Tea
    I once took our vicar to tea;
    On his birthday, you see
    It was just as I thought it would be:
    His rumblings abdominal
    Were simply phenomenal,
    And everyone thought it was me.
    
    Fly on the Wall
    There once was a fly on the wall
    I blew out my birthday candles and all
    I wonder why it didn't fall
    Because its feet stuck
    Or was it just luck
    Or does gravity miss things so small?.
    
    Young Schizophrenic
    A young schizophrenic named Struther,
    Who learned of the death of his brother on his birthday,
    He said, "I know that it's bad,
    But I don't feel too sad.
    After all, I still have each other."
    
    Old Gent From Hyde
    There was an old gent from Hyde
    Who ate rotten apples on his birthday and died.
    The apples fermented
    Inside the lamented
    And made cider inside his inside.
    
    Young Lady
    There was a young lady named Rose
    Who had a large wart on her nose.
    When she had it removed on her birthday
    Her appearance improved,
    But her glasses slipped down to her toes
    
    Understand
    There's a wonderful family called Stein:
    All sharing the same birthday!
    There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein.
    Gert's poems are bunk,
    Ep's statues are junk,
    And no one can understand Ein.
    
    Old Man of Esser
    There once was an old man of Esser,
    After his 40^th birthday
    His knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
    It at last grew so small
    He knew nothing at all
    And now he's a college professor.
    
    Sorority Girl
    There was a young sorority girl called Binn
    Who was so excessively thin
    That when she was taken for birthday drinks
    She slipped through the straw and fell in
- Funny Christmas Poems
  - A Politically Correct Christmas Poem
    'Twas the night before Christmas
    Santa was all out of wack
    The world had become too politically correct
    The workers were not elves
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
    While labor conditions at the North Pole,
    were alleged by the newly formed Elf Union, to bring an end to the soul.
    Four reindeer had disappeared after going for coffee and tea,
    Released to the wild, by the Humane Society.
    Equal rights employment made it rather clear,
    Santa had better hire more than just reindeer.
    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
    were replaced with little pigs to fill the quota
    The reindeer had been removed from his side of Santa's sleigh,
    Rudolph and the others were flagged as a hazard by the EPA,
    And millions of New Yorkers were calling the cops,
    As they heard sled noises upon their penthouse tops.
    Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had workers frightened of lung cancer,
    and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened"
    Santa saw the reindeer were gone
    Santa's wife,
    Said she'd had enough of this life
    She joined feminist group and suddenly left,
    demanding from now on that everyone call her Ms.
    And chilling in a communist community
    Don't ask about the funny gifts
    Santa couldn't give fancy stuff like fur
    Direct your calls to PETA for sure
    Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her.
    To show you the strangeness of the news that we know
    Rudolf was suing Santa over the use and likeness of his nose.
    He went to TMZ, and was seen by half of the population
    He wanted to unionize the reindeer to collect workers compensation.
    Santa's workshop was about to fall into Chapter 11
    If he got sued one more time
    This meant no dangerous things
    Like skateboards and skis
    Someone could get hurt
    Bratz Dolls were too controversial
    And the new Call of Duty, some say, would rot your soul away.
    Santa saw a different gift was called for.
    Something he could give to everyone without hurting or offending
    Every race and gender
    Even those Hindus, Jews, Buddhists and Muslims could take part
    Even though they didn't celebrate Christmas
    So here is the gift,
    "HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS NIGHT, AND JUST SPEND IT WITH YOUR FAMILY TONIGHT”
    
    Christmas Glow Worm
    I wish I were a Christmas glow worm,
    A Christmas glow worm's never glum.
    'Cause how can you be
    Grumpy, when the sun shines
    Out your bum?!
- Funny Mother's Day Poems
  - A Poem for Mom
    Mom, I know you do the dishes
    And I know you cook the food
    I know you scrub down all the floors
    Even when you're in a bad mood.
    And you buy the dog food
    While I'm watching all my shows
    On Thursday's you take out the trash
    And every spring you wash the windows.
    Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
    And leave you all alone
    But right now I'm only 35
    So what other place could I call home?
    
    Moms Rule
    Mum, I know I owe you the world
    And you deserve no less
    But circumstances have unfurled;
    I'm in a financial mess.
    For Your Mother's Day party
    I write for you this ditty.
    My poetry skills are hearty
    And cheap, but oh so witty!
- Funny Relationship Poems
  - Roses are Red
    Roses are Red
    Violets are blue
    Vodka costs less
    Than a dinner for two.
- Everyday Funny Poems
  - Microwave
    Roses are red
    My name is Dave
    This poem makes no sense
    Microwave
- Unfunny Haikus
  - Passover
    During Passover
    Opened the door for Elijah
    Now our dog is gone
    
    Jewish Buddhism
    Jewish Buddhism:
    If there is no self, then what the--
    What's this arthritis?
    
    Valium
    Beyond Valium,
    Peace is knowing one's child is
    A cool internist.
    
    Rain
    After the warm rain
    The sweet smell of camellias.
    Please go wipe your feet
    
    Oy, Sadie
    Her lips near my ear,
    Aunt Sadie whispers the name of
    Her best friend's disease.
    
    Bar Mitzvah
    Today I'm a man
    Tomorrow I will return to...
    To the seventh grade.
    
    Her Son
    Testing the warm milk
    On her wrist, she sighs softly but
    Her son is forty
    
    Blue Sea
    The sparkling sea
    Reminds me to wait an hour
    After my sandwich.
    
    Jewish Safari
    Jews on safari --
    Map, compass, elephant gun and,
    Hard sucking candies
    
    Target
    The same kimono
    The top geishas are wearing them:
    I shop at Target
    
    Please
    Mom, please! There is no
    Need to put that dinner roll to
    Your new pocketbook.
    
    Answering Machine
    Sorry I'm not home
    To take your call. So, at the tone,
    State your bad news now.
    
    Nobel Prize Winner
    Is one Nobel Prize
    Too much to ask from a child?
    After all I've done?
    
    Weather Report
    Today, mild shvitzing.
    Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz
    Five-day forecast: meh
    
    Transmitter
    Quietly hearing
    Saturday synagogue service,
    Phillies and Red Sox.
    
    Your Face
    A lovely nose ring,
    Excuse me while I put my big
    Head in the oven.
- Funny Holiday Poems
Funny Bacon Quotes & Jokes
- Bacon Scented Things You Didn�t Know Existed
  - Bacon is one of the most popular smells known to the human nose. It's so popular that even the most hard core of vegetarians will begrudgingly admit that they enjoy its scent. Thanks to the widespread love of bacon some well-meaning, if not crazy, people have come up with products that have a bacon scent or flavor. Here is a list of just some of the weirdest baconated things that we've discovered.
    
    Bacon Scented Soap
    This could be a very useful product for people who get tired of co-workers and parents asking them what they had for breakfast.
    
    Bacon Flavored Vodka
    Great way to save you a lot of money. It eliminates the craving for a late night Denny's breakfast after staying at the bar all night.
    
    Bacon Chocolate Bar
    Bacon is awesome. Chocolate is awesome. If you combine the two you end up with something that is just too awesome to imagine, like Chuck Norris riding a dinosaur. Frankly it's hard to imagine why it took so long for this combination to happen.
    
    Bacon Mayonnaise
    This would eliminated any kind of confusion about what type of condiment goes best with a BLT or egg sandwich.
    
    Bacon Toothpaste
    The perfect way to keep the lingering taste of that wonderful breakfast in your mouth all day long.
    
    Bacon Shaving Cream
    It will drive the women crazy making them want to kiss your smooth shaven face and maybe give it a little lick every now and then.
    
    Bacon Christmas Ornaments
    Not a good idea. It's hard enough trying to keep the dog from peeing on the Christmas tree. Now, he might try to eat it.
    
    Bacon Doormat
    When it's zero degrees outside with two feet of snow, your doggie is still going to be looking forward to his impending potty break. Also, nothing says "welcome to my home" like bacon.
- Funny Bacon Tattoos
  - Who doesn't love bacon? Bacon is candy meat from heaven that taste good with just about everything. People have an affinity towards bacon that takes on a life of its own. Unlike other meat, people don't climb to new food combination extremes. There are bacon quotes and bacon flowcharts that will make any bacon lover smile from ear to ear. Bacon has a pull on people that no one can explain. Adding bacon to a new dish always brings on excitement and gossip. Chicken isn't even a close second. There are even bacon clothing items. Stop porking around and buy some funny bacon birthday cards while you're at it.
    
    Funniest Bacon Tattoos
    
    Meat Tattoo
    
    This tattoo could only be handled by someone who truly appreciates meat. A stroll through the meat section of the supermarket would be like a stroll through Disney Land for this meat lover. Meat always has her back.
    
    Bacon Bleeding Heart Tattoo
    
    The classic funny bleeding-heart design is done here, but dedicated to bacon and not a person. There is also a fork going through the heart. We're not sure if this is because eating is something he loves and the heart is the organ of love, or if he'd like to try a piggy heart someday. Only he knows.
    
    Bacon Heart Tattoo
    
    This bacon heart tattoo isn't anatomically correct like one above. This funny bacon tattoo has a "Sailor Jerry" tattoo design feel to it. Those are the old-fashion tattoos that sailors of yesteryear once sported. Now, these tattoos are sported by bikers, funny hipsters and corporate lawyers.
    
    Bacon Love Tattoo
    
    Make no mistake. The owner of this whimsical tattoo has a special space in his or her heart for bacon because the heart is made of bacon. No one will ask if this person is a vegetarian!
    
    Bacon Wrap Tattoo
    
    This funny bacon tattoo wraps around this man's arm. He must have some great bacon stories! He'll be a bacon lover for life with ink like that. Throw some meat on a stick at a BBQ and you've just made this guy's day.
    
    Pork Cuts and Butter Tattoo
    
    What's in this guys stomach? We'll throw a wild guess into the wind and say it's bacon! This funny pork tattoo has bacon trim under the stomach, but we wanted to save your eyes, so please just use your bacon imagination.
    
    Bacon and Eggs Tattoo
    
    This funny bacon and eggs tattoo can only be worn by a true bacon lover. Every morning probably starts off with a hot plate of bacon and eggs, the eggs over easy. One of the benefits of a bacon tattoo like this is that all a person has to do while traveling to another country and simply showing the breakfast tattoo if he doesn't speak the language. Or is just lazy. He is like his own, roaming breakfast menu! Maybe he even sleeps in the kitchen to get breakfast in bed.
    
    Happy Bacon Strip Tattoo
    
    This strip of bacon is happy to feed you. How can anyone resist that wide, happy bacon smile? This bit of bacon can't wait to be in your stomach.
    
    Cuts of Meat Tattoo
    
    This butchers' guide makes for a funny bacon tattoo because it shows where all the cuts of meat are. However, unlike the bacon and eggs tattoo, the wearer of this tattoo can't use it to order meat on her own as it is on her back.
    
    I Love Bacon Tattoo
    
    This man (or woman) isn't afraid to express his (or her) love: bacon. Maybe it's the juicy goodness of bacon. Maybe it's the ease of bacon shopping. You'll just have to ask him (or her) what inspired this hilarious bacon tattoo.
- Everyday Things with Bacon
  - It's a fact! People like to play to bacon and add it to things that normally don't have bacon. These funny bacon images will have you telling everyone "I love Bacon!"
    
    Bacon Bloody Mary
    
    If this is your brunch drink, then add some more brunch goodness to it with slices of delicious bacon!
    
    Bacon Clock
    
    Let everyone know it's literally time for bacon with this clock made of bacon.
    
    Bacon Cupcakes
    
    We haven't tried this wild combination of bacon and pastry fusion! Sure, it's not kosher, but it's not meant to be. We're sure it will make someone smile as long as that person isn't a vegetarian.
    
    Bacon Wrapped Corn on the Cob
    
    Smell the bacon cooking with this combination of corn and meat. It will make your backyard barbecues more intriguing.
    
    Bacon Truck
    
    Driven them crazy with this little heart-attack on four wheels. This bacon truck will drive into your stomach and never look back.
- Famous Bacon Quotes
  - "If you call ham Canadian bacon, what do you call bacon?" — Ron Kanfi
    
    "I unfortunately still crave chicken McNuggets and bacon, which is the meat candy of the world."--Katy Perry
    
    "As soon as I learned what the smell of bacon was, I learned how to make it." — Rush Limbaugh
    
    "I'm not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it's incredibly delicious." — Gwyneth Paltrow
    
    "Veggie bacon?!? That sounds like a sign of the Apocalypse." — Turtle Dundee
    
    "The other week, while sitting over a bacon omelet and rambling on about how much I love the "bacon, egg, cheese on toast combo", a good buddy looks across the table at me and utters a sentence I may never forget as long as I live: "Yeah, because bacon is the candy bar of meat." — Adam McArthur
    
    "Onions and bacon cooking up just makes your kitchen smell so good. In fact, one day I'm going to come up with a room deodorizer that smells like bacon and onions. It's a fabulous smell." — Paula Deen
    
    "Breakfast is my specialty. I admit it's the easiest meal to cook, but I make everything with a twist, like lemon ricotta pancakes or bacon that's baked instead of fried." — Hugh Jackman
    
    "Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." — Doug Larson
    
    "Francis Bacon is one of my giant inspirations. I just love him to pieces." — David Lynch
    
    "We have found that morals are not, like bacon, to be cured by hanging; nor, like wine, to be improved by sea voyages; nor, like honey, to be preserved in cells." — William Taylor
    
    "Bank of America is to sweetheart loans and Democratic Party payoffs as Paula Deen is to sugar and bacon grease." — Michelle Malkin
    
    "Breakfast is my favorite meal. I cook a big one for everyone - bacon and eggs. I own a lot of eggcups." — Emily Mortimer
    
    "I used to have trouble choking down the pills I have to take for controlling my cholesterol, but it's a lot easier now that I wrap them in bacon." — Brad Simanek
    
    "You pretty much can't get away from bacon or whiskey in the South. Put a doughnut in it and you'd be good to go." — Hillary Scott
    
    "I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? ADMIRAL Crunch?" — Fry, from Futurama
    
    "I do all of the grocery shopping in my little family. I buy cheese, of many different kinds, sliced packaged meats and poultry, bagels, immense quantities of eggs, pre-made fried chicken. Milk. Bacon. It is insane how much dairy, deli and bakery stuff I buy." — Ben Stein
- A Day of Bacon
  - Tired? Hungry? Here are some funny bacon pictures to get through the day! Can't you taste the sizzling of that delicious bacon in your mouth right now? We bet you can taste that stir-fried bacon right now despite never having it before. And lets not forget the bacon-shelled taco. Can you not taste the crispy bacon shell right now? How have you gone this far in life without even trying the delicious bacon fries or fries with bacon?
Funny Quotes & Humorous Sayings
- Funny Quotes: You Know You Are Old When
  - You know you're old when someone tells you to act your age and you die.
    You know you're old when you owe Fred Flintstone money.
    You know you're old when you did your driver's test on a brontosaurus.
    You know you're old when you still have the apostles' addresses in your little black book.
    You know you're old when you were waitressing at the Last Super.
    You know you're old when you have a picture of Jesus in your yearbook.
    You know you're old when you helped plant the first trees in Central Park.
    You know you're old when you have an autographed Bible.
    You know you're old when you remember when the Dead Sea was just ill.
- Funny Quotes: Why Cats Are Better Than Men
  - A cat never comes home drunk when he comes home late.
    You can stroke a cat without being expected into doing anything else.
    Cats don't pretend to know how to fix things they can't.
    It's okay if your cat sits in someone else's lap.
    Cats are never late for dinner.
    Your cat's ex will never stalk you.
    Your cat won't leave you for a younger woman.
    You don't have to pretend to like your cat's mother.
    Cats don't hog the bathroom.
    Cats won't question your spending habits.
- Funny Quotes: Skinny Bitch
  - You're such a skinny bitch that you have to run around the shower to get wet.
    You're such a skinny bitch that you turned sideways and disappeared.
    You're such a skinny bitch that you can dodge rain drops.
    You're such a skinny bitch that your bra fits better backwards.
    You're such a skinny bitch that you use chapstick for deodorant.
    You're such a skinny bitch that your butt is just a back with a crack.
- Funny Quotes: PMS
  - You know you have PMS when you consider chocolate a food group.
    You know you have PMS when you scare terrorists.
    I can bleed for five days and not die. What is your super power?
    My greatest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
    PMG and GPS together means a crazy bitch who will find you wherever you go.
    I don't actually have PMS; everyone else just acts weird around me one week a month.
    We don't know if the Virgin Mary had PMS, but she rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.
- Funny Quotes: Menopause and Hot Flashes
  - I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes.
    Menopause is just life's way of showing you that you don't want to go to hell.
    What's 100 times worse than a woman in menopause? One hundred women in menopause.
    I don't have hot flashes. My inner child is playing with matches.
    These aren't hot flashes. They are power surges.
    With female menopause, you gain weight. With male menopause, you drive a motorcycle.
    My menopause can kick your PMS' ass.
    I don't have hot flashes. I have mini vacations to the tropics.
    Menopause fans have two settings: Flashing and not flashing.
- Funny Quotes: Why Dogs Have it All
  - A wet nose is a good thing.
    No one says anything if you scratch yourself in public.
    You don't have to comb your own hair or take a shower every day.
    You're happy with just a bone and leftover food.
    You never have to pick up the tab.
    You're happy to see the same people every day.
    If you get fat, it's someone else's fault, never yours.
- Funny Quotes: BFF, Best Friends Forever
  - A friend has never seen you cry.
    A BFF has lent you a shoulder to cry on.
    
    A friend hates when you call after she's gone to bed.
    A BFF asks why it took you so long to call.
    
    A friend asks if you're dating anyone.
    A BFF has enough dating history info to blackmail you with.
    
    A friend laughs at your bad joke.
    A BFF tells you that it sucks.
    
    A best friend asks you what music you like.
    A BFF tells you that you have bad taste in music.
- Funny Quotes: Things Mom Said
  - Finding your first grey hair is the opposite of getting your first period. But both are equally depressing.
    Apparently restaurants don't like it when you walk behind the bar and try to make your own drink.
    Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them, you dumb-dumb.
    Getting older is a walk in the park...where no one picks up after the dogs.
    Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or an idiot from any direction.
    They say a mirror never lies...I'm just grateful that they don't laugh.
    If today is the first day of the rest of your life...what the heck was yesterday?
    You know you're getting old when you have a hole between your boobs and it's called a belly button.
    Is it still considered drinking alone if there are screaming children outside?
- Funny Quotes: Famous Birthday Quotes
  - These are the top, famous birthday quotes to write on cards.
    
    "Every year, on your birthday, you get a chance to start new" — Sammy Hagar
    
    "The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate" — Oprah
    
    "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" — Satchel Paige
    
    "I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing, 'Happy Birthday.'" — Steven Wright
    
    "Presents don't really mean much to me. I don't want to sound mawkish, but it was the realization that I have a great many people in my life who love me, and who I really love" — Gabriel Byrne
    
    "It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, I fyou ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm'" — Sam Levenson
    
    "I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake" — Mitch Hedberg
    
    "It is lovely, when I forget all birthdays, including my own, to find that someone remembers me" — Ellen Glasgow
- Funny Quotes: Funny 30 Rock Quotes
  - Here are the funniest quotes from the hit series 30 Rock.
    
    Kenneth: We have ways of making people talk: By giving them fresh apple slices.
    
    Jenna: Listen up, Fives. A Ten is speaking.
    
    Jenna: Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera, and maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Jennas-Side.com? Of course not. I mean, is wine-throwing something that even gets you on a reality show.
    
    Angie: As you know, my single, "My Single is Dropping," is dropping.
    
    Pete: Guys, a teacher preying on a student is wrong...if the teacher is male and the student is female. What happened to Frank is awesome. Standing ovation.
    
    Jack: You know how the media are. They wait for a mistake and that's all you are. It happened to Hilter. No one ever talks about his paintings.
    
    Liz: I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.
    
    Liz: It doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York. It's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.
    
    Tracy: Thanks, Jack for coming to this emergency meeting. I'm sorry I'm four hours late, but my alarm clock didn't go off because it died in a funny cock fight last night.
    
    Liz: If I could push a button and five people in the world would die, but I'd get free cable for life, I'd do it.
- Funny Quotes: No One Ever Said Quotes
  - "I wish I had more back hair" — No One
    
    "That Facebook post really made me rethink my stance on gun control" — No One
    
    "My ex was so rational and sane" — No One
    
    "I'm going to miss all the political jokes and commercials now the campaign is over" — No One
    
    "I just love what the Palestinians have done with the Gaza Strip" — No One
    
    "Wow, I have too much weed" — No One
    
    "I love when Facebook changes everything once you've gotten used to it" — No One
    
    "Maybe hooking up with my ex and having my ex to dinner was a good idea" — No One
- Funny Quotes: Funny Quotes on Amazon
  - Amazon is the go-to place for many products that either can't be found in stores, or many you're just too lazy to get dressed because you're looking at birthday cards for her (whoever "she" is) online at NobleWorks Cards. We too like Amazon, and wanted to share with you some of the best Amazon reviews and funniest quotes online that we came across! Now you have more time to look at funny vintage birthday cards!
    
    Funny Banana Slicer Quotes
    
    Funny BIC Pen Quotes
    
    Funny Amazon Bleacher Quotes
    
    Funny Cat Shirt Quotes
    
    Funny Eagle Shirt Quotes
    
    Funny Generator Quotes
    
    Funny Horse Mask Quotes
    
    Funny Stalker Camera Lens Quote
    
    Hilarious Baby Bling Quotes
    
    Best Quotes About Men's Perfume
    
    Funniest Review for Socks
    
    Funniest Quote on Amazon for Squirrel Boxers
    
    Funniest Quote for Amazon Jewelry
- Funny Quotes: I Love You Quotes
  - Here are some lovely quotes to inspire you to write your own love quotes. Remember, there is more than one way to say that you love someone!
    
    I am rubber; you are glue and any feelings bounce off me and stick to you.
    
    The other day I saw a girl drop her ice cream. When I stopped laughing, I realized that's how I feel like when you don't call.
    
    I saw you in the morning, on the toilet and I didn't run screaming. There.
    
    Hug me. If you let go, you lose.
    
    I love you like two naked people love running through a field.
    
    You are the hole in my doughnut.
    
    I am the funny pork joke, you are the beans
    
    If you were a hilarious margarita, I'd drink you by the bucket.
    
    I really like, like, like, like you!
    
    I'll still have sex with you even when you're old, fat and ugly.
    
    I love you, but everyone else can kiss my ass.
- Funny Quotes: Best Birthday Quotes
  - "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." — Abraham Lincoln, president
    
    "The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything." — Oscar Wilde
    
    "It takes a long time to grow young." — Pablo Picasso, painter of famous paintings
    
    "Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the gift of 'you' to the world." — Unknown
    
    "The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." — Lucille Ball
    
    "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." — Robert Frost
    
    "May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine." — Frank Sinatra
- Great Quotes from Famous People
  - "All I know is that I am not a Marxist." — Karl Marx
    
    "I never wrote a song in my life. I get one-third of the credit for recording it. It makes me look smarter than I am. I never even had an idea for a song." — Elvis Presley
    
    "Be very careful about your cape. Don't use it for sexual high jinks. It can get ugly — trust me. Also be careful when flushing." — Adam West, Batman.
    
    "As a child, I dragged a dead squirrel home on a skateboard, cut it open and tried to look at its brain." — Jessica Biel
- Funny Quotes: Einstein Quotes
  - The day Einstein spoke of is finally here.
    A beautiful day at the beach with your best friend.
    
    A romantic date.
    
    A passionate kiss between lovers.
    
    Your wedding, a day you will cherish and remember forever.
    
    Having fun with your friends at a party.
    
    A day out with your bestie for some much needed shop therapy.
    
    A day out with your friend in the park.
- Funny Quotes: Top Betty White Quotes
  - Betty White is a funny chick. Most people know her from her show the Golden Girls about three women living together and using sexual innuendos to cross the line when it came to funny, dirty jokes. Stay golden, Betty!
    
    8. "Doctors say a glass of wine a day can extend your life,"-- Betty White
    
    7. "Try not to die,"--Betty White
    
    6. "Why do some people say, 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you want to be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding,"--Betty White
    
    5. "Just saw the first Christmas commerical of the season. It really got me into the spirit of murdering people,"--Betty White
    
    4. "If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it,"--Betty White
    
    3. "At my age, if I want to keep in touch with old friends, I need a Ouija board,"-- Betty White
    
    2. "I'm still just as horny as I've ever been,"-- Betty White
    
    1. "For a couple of guys who claim they are against homosexuality, Mitt Rodney and Paul Ryan sure seem to hate vaginas.
- Funniest, Famous Birthday Quotes
  - "Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth." ― Janet Evanovich
    
    "With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come." ― William Shakespeare
    
    "When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I'll probably call my grandma up, because as old as I'll feel, she'll be feeling older. Twelve years older." ― Jarod Kintz
    
    "I grabbed a pile of dust, and holding it up, foolishly asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust, I forgot to ask that they be years of youth. " ― Ovid, Metamorphoses
    
    "You were born, and with you endless possibilities - very few ever to be realized. It's okay. Life was never about what you could do, but what you would do." ― Richelle E. Goodrich
    
    "The cake had a trick candle that wouldn't go out, so I didn't get my wish. Which was just that it would always be like this, that my life could be a party just for me." ― Janet Fitch, White Oleander
- Funny Quotes: Famous Butt Quotes
  - "Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken." — Chuck Palahniuk
    
    "I think it's ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas." — Nancy Cartwright
    
    "She was a great kid ... a hard worker and team player. She wasn't a starter, but worked her butt off to make the team better. She always showed up with a smile and was ready to work, no matter what the conditions were." — Bruce Myers
    
    "Here is my journey's end, here is my butt; and very sea-mark of my utmost sail." — William Shakespeare
    
    "I'm their mom, I'm their worst enemy, I'm the person that kicks them in the butt. It's different roles for different students." — Anne Haverland
    
    "I like to be hot, when I`m cold it`s a little harder for me to shake my butt." — Michael Stipe
    
    "It is important when you haven't got any ammunition to have a butt on your rifle." — Winston Churchill
    
    "I'll make it short and sweet. I don't have much to say. I mean, we got our butts kicked and we need to play better and we've got to fight harder. And give a lot of credit to the Colts. They played really well. I think we just made too many mistakes, and there's a lot of football left. We're 4-4. We've got a lot of division games and hopefully we can turn it around. But the Colts certainly outplayed us. They were the better team [Monday night]. And that's it. Thank you." — Tom Brady
    
    "I made sure no butt cheek hung out...you know, the original Daisy, Catherine Bach's shorts were shorter than mine." — Jessica Simpson
    
    "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." — Christie Brinkley
    
    "Nobody's kissing my ass, unfortunately. I could use a little. But then again, my personality isn't conducive to butt-kissing." — Christina Ricci
    
    "My butt does not deserve a website." — Bart Simpson
    
    "I kick butt." -- Michelle Rodriguez
- Funny Quotes: Cute Picture Quotes
- Funny Quotes: Funny Cake Quotes
  - "My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." ― Dave Barry
    
    "Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth." ― Janet Evanovich
    
    "Oh, it can't be a reference to the fact Harry is a great Seeker, that's way too obvious. There must be a secret message from Dumbledore hidden in the icing!" ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
    
    "I tried to explain as much as I could," Poppet says. "I think I made an analogy about cake."
    "Well, that must have worked," Widget says. "Who doesn't like a good cake analogy?" ― Erin Morgenstern, The Night Circus
    
    "The event happened on my birthday. I don't remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents." ― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title
    
    "I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap." ― Veronica Roth, Insurgent
    
    "I suppose I wanted to have my cake and eat it. But then again, what were you going to do with your cake if not eat it? Frame it? Use it as a sachet in your underwear drawer?" ― Marian Keyes, Watermelon
    
    "The area was encompassed in a bubble of warm, fragrant steam from the funnel cake deep fryers. It smelled like sweet vanilla cake batter you licked off a spoon." ― Sarah Addison Allen, The Sugar Queen
- Funny Quotes: Funny Cat Quotes
  - "A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased, which is more than can be said for human beings." – William Ralph Inge
    
    "A cat determined not to be found can fold itself up like a pocket handkerchief if it wants to." – Louis J. Camuti
    
    "A cat is a lion in a jungle of small bushes." – Indian Proverb
    
    "A cat is a tiger that is fed by hand." – Proverb
    
    "A cat is an example of sophistication minus civilization." – Anonymous
    
    "A pussy cat isn't fussy - just so long as you remember he likes his milk in the shallow, rose-patterned saucer and his fish on the blue plate. From which he will take it, and eat it off the floor." – Arthur Bridges
    
    "A cat pours his body on the floor like water." – William Lyon Phelps
    
    "A catless writer is almost inconceivable. It's a perverse taste, really, since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys." – Barbara Holland
    
    "A cat's got her own opinion of human beings. She don't say much, but you can tell enough to make you anxious not to hear the whole of it." – Jerome K. Jerome
    
    "A dog, I have always said, is prose; a cat is a poem." – Jean Burden
    
    "A kitten is the most irresistible comedian in the world. Its wide-open eyes gleam with wonder and mirth. It darts madly at nothing at all, and then, as though suddenly checked in the pursuit, prances sideways on its hind legs with ridiculous agility and zeal." – Agnes Repplier
    
    "A meow massages the heart." – Stuart McMillan
    
    "After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference." – Charlotte Gray
    
    "Although all cat games have their rules and rituals, these vary with the individual player. The cat, of course, never breaks a rule. If it does not follow precedent, that simply means it has created a new rule and it is up to you to learn it quickly if you want the game to continue." – Sidney Denham
    
    "An ordinary kitten will ask more questions than any five year old." – Carl Van Vechten
    
    "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." – Ellen Perry Berkeley
    
    "Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons." – Robertson Davies
    
    "By and large, people who enjoy teaching animals to roll over will find themselves happier with a dog." – Barbara Holland
- Funny Quotes: Funny Dog Quotes
  - "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man." ― Mark Twain
    
    "Meow" means "woof" in cat." ― George Carlin
    
    "Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods." ― Christopher Hitchens,
    
    "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." ― Groucho Marx
    
    "Happiness is a warm puppy." ― Charles M. Schulz
    
    "Dogs never bite me. Just humans." ― Marilyn Monroe
    
    "Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace." ― Milan Kundera
    
    "I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." ― Winston Churchill
    
    "If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much." ― Mark Twain
    
    "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." ― Josh Billings
    
    "Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." ― Mark Twain
    
    "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." ― Will Rogers
    
    "A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog." ― Jack London
    
    "All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed.
    For after all, he was only human. He wasn't a dog." ― Charles M. Schulz
    
    "The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's." ― Mark Twain
    
    "You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog." ― David Foster Wallace,
    
    "You think those dogs will not be in heaven! I tell you they will be there long before any of us."― Robert Louis Stevenson
    
    "If you don't own a dog, at least one, there is not necessarily anything wrong with you, but there may be something wrong with your life." ― Roger Caras
    
    "Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made. " ― Roger Caras
    
    "Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun." ― Groucho Marx
    
    "The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants." ― Johnny Depp
    
    "Petting, scratching, and cuddling a dog could be as soothing to the mind and heart as deep meditation and almost as good for the soul as prayer." ― Dean Koontz
    
    "The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs." ― Charles de Gaulle
    
    "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." ― Dave Barry
    
    "The more boys I meet the more I love my dog." ― Carrie Underwood
    
    "If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." ― Woodrow Wilson
    
    "My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don't get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk." ― Jarod Kintz
- Funny Quotes: Dating Quotes
  - "Dating sucks, but being single sucks a little bit more." — Unknown
    
    "The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him." — Unknown
    
    "A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe." — Rita Rudner
    
    "A relationship isn't a test, so why cheat?"
    
    "You look a lot like my future dream date." — Unknown
    
    "Don't cry for a man who's left you you; the next one may fall for your smile." — Mae West
    
    "If you don't know how to treat a lady, don't date one." — Unknown
    
    "Don't date the most beautiful girl in the world. Date the girl who makes your world the most beautiful." — Unknown
    
    "The problem with guys is they pretend to like you when they don't. The problem with girls is they pretend they don't like you when they do." — Unknown
    
    "A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him." — Brendan Francis
    
    "True love is the outward demonstration of inward conviction." — Unknown
    
    "Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." – Joseph Addison
    
    "The life and love we create is the life and love we live." — Leo Buscaglia
    
    "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
    
    "A first date is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you." – Unknown
- Funny Quotes: Funny Letter Ending Quotes
  - Yours 'til the cows come home
    
    Rock on
    
    Go with God
    
    May the force be with you
    
    Hugs, love and pogo sticks
    
    Shine on, star!
    
    Au revoir
    
    Viva la revolucion
    
    Did you fart?
    
    See you in the inbox
    
    Joy is a choice
    
    Take care and don't forget to comb your hair
    
    Peace, love and chocolate candy
    
    Your pet
    
    I'll leave it to you
- Funny Facebook Knock-Knock Quote
Funny Top 10 Lists
- Top 10 Holiday Food Fails
  - 10. Sweet potato skin pie- it's not just for Superbowl Sunday anymore. Skip peeling those sweet potato spuds to add mega chunks of nutrition, like fiber and potassium to your dessert. Added bonus - you just might puke up everything you overate.
    
    9. Eggnog drop soup - Chinese restaurants are always open on Christmas day, so give a salute to your favorite Chinese soup by adding a shot of eggnog instead of those crispy noodles.
    
    8. Foreclosed gingerbread house - Perfection is overrated. Make a statement on today's housing crisis with a gingerbread house that has jacked up doors, graffiti icing and a caved in roof thanks to a few missed mortgage statements.
    
    7. Pimentos loaf - This loaf-type luncheon meat with finely chopped beef, pork, pickles and pimientos will look so festive decorated with colorful (The Freshmaker) Mentos mints. Added bonus - Good breath.
    
    6. Mincemeat pie - Why do the English mince their words? Why call it a mincemeat pie if it's just packed with fruit? I say, pack in the protein by incorporating actual Grade A beef into these small British fruit-based pies for a more savory and filling pie filling.
    
    5. Gefilte fish sticks - Everything tastes better fried. Jews and gentiles alike will gobble up this alternate version of the classic Hanukkah appetizer when the poached mixture of ground deboned fish is battered and deep fried with a side of ketchup.
    
    4. Uncle Bobka - Instead of a traditional Polish chocolate Babka, aka a sweet yeast cake, deck out your holiday spread with a creepy Uncle Bobka made with a shot of Jim Beam, cigar ashes and random moustache hairs slipped into the batter.
    
    3. Jello mold - Missed the best before date? Who cares. Impress the in-laws with a literal jello mold, featuring bright bacterial marks and dark mold on the surface. Added bonus- You won't be asked to cook anything next year.
    
    2. Turduckporken - Why eat three animals when you can enjoy four? A quadruple threat of entrees, this turkey + duck + pork + chicken concoction combines all of the other white meats to create a plethora of flavors, all stuffed into one another. Hell, throw in a partridge and call it a Christmas day.
    
    1. Milk and Tossed cookies - Get back at Santa for leaving you a load of crap last year with a tall glass of milk paired with a heaping plate of puke scored from Uncle Bob before he passes out in the utility closet.
- Could Your Yoga Pants Get You Laid?
  - 1. If the entire "Abercrombie and Fitch" logo comfortably fit across your ass, yoga pants aren�t for you.
    
    2. If your vajajay is claustrophobic, yoga pants aren�t for you.
    
    3. If you have or ever consider getting a penis, yoga pants aren�t for you.
    
    4. If your ass has no chance of ever being showcased in a rap video, yoga pants aren�t for you.
    
    5. If you look better in a downward facing hot dog than downward facing dog, yoga pants aren�t for you.
    
    6. If your instagram account would be shut down for posting a butt selfie, yoga pants aren�t for you.
    
    7. If your twerk registers a 6.0 or higher on the Richter Scale, yoga pants aren�t for you.
    
    8. If your nickname is "Dimples" yet you have no dimples on your face, yoga pants aren�t for you.
    
    9. If your favorite style of lingerie is the granny panty, yoga pants aren�t for you.
    
    10. If you took an eternal vow promising yourself to God, yoga pants aren�t for you.
- Top 10 Barftastic Food Trucks
  - For on-the-go foodies who need a culinary fix that is fast, fancified and frugal, the food truck has to be one of the best epicurean advancements of the 21st century � a roving gastronomic gourmet sensation on wheels where you can enjoy a mobile sampling of tasty food infusions, usually for under $10 a pop. From bbq brisket salami sliders to choco tacos, not all food truck fare is created equal. Here are the top 10 worst gut truck offerings that leave a bad taste in our mouths.
    
    1. Placentanini - Combine the nutrients of a placenta with the tastiness of a hand-pressed panini and what do you get? A meal fit for an afterbirth brunch. Personally, we�d rather eat baby poop.
    
    2. Jerk Off Chicken - No one does jerk chicken better than Jamaicans. Add a horny teenage short-order cook and a few issues of Juggs magazine, and you get a not so savory topping on the side.
    
    3. Srirachabon - Cinnamon buns, only hotter. Take the World Famous cinnamon rolls, slash the cinnamon, and replace with a hit of this super spicy Thai sauce. Instead of adding it to your spring rolls, swirl it in your pastry rolls, then grab a couple of toilet paper rolls as you head for the srirachajohn.
    
    4. The Matzo Ball Bus - Oh vey. Mobile matzo balls and blintzes may sound delightful, but would you really want to eat gefilte fish off of a food truck? That's not kosher. We�re kvetching just thinking about it.
    
    5. The Little Wiener - When shelling out 8 bucks and up for lunch, we deserve more than tiny, unsatisfying pigs in blankets and penis-shaped cake pops. We like our wieners big, although they might make a killing at bachelorette parties and same-sex male weddings.
    
    6. Bronutmobile - Some swear that everything is better with bacon, but we beg to differ. The world may run on Dunkin�, but the world gets the runs from bacon-covered donuts.
    
    7. Poptartwich Place - Swap two slices of bread for two Pop Tarts slathered with mayo and your choice of ground beef and/or fine deli meat filling for this sloppy joe/toaster strudel inspired sandwich. Pop Tarts, they�re not just for breakfast anymore.
    
    8. Mac & Cheesecake Factory - This Atkins-unfriendly concoction consists of cheddar cheesecake with a layer of elbow macaroni in the center. Top it with breadcrumbs and a graham cracker crust to create the quintessential salty/sweet confection for carbivores who enjoy eating their feelings. 5,000 Weight Watchers points.
    
    9. The Mashed Potatorade Stand - Think a good old-fashioned lemonade stand, only with Red Bull-like, potato-based beverages. If the idea of potato-themed energy drinks sounds unsavory to you, just imagine them with your choice of gravy, bacon bits and/or chive toppings. This spud is not for you.
    
    10. The Haggis Hut - This delicacy from Scotland is defined as a savory pudding containing a sheep's heart, liver and lungs, minced with stock and spices, traditionally encased in the animal's stomach. Little Bo Beep has lost her sheep, and we have lost our lunches.
- Top 10 Moustache Styles Throughout History
  - Since back in Jesus�s time, the moustache has served as the simplest way for men to incorporate some serious swagger into their step with a statement of strategically placed facial hairs that say �Hey World, look what I�ve got growing on�. Here is a look at some of the most popular hair raising moustache styles throughout history.
    
    1. The Handlebar - (aka The Original/The Tombstone) Aclassically bushy style that earns its name by the uncanny resemblance to the handlebars of a bicycle. Can be worn long or on the petite side, most often seen on spaghetti western cowboys, 70s porn stars and dastardly waxy end twirling villains who gained notoriety tying damsels in distress to train tracks. Most currently spotted on thick non-prescription eyeglass frame wearing hipsters of the West Village.
    
    2. The Chaplin � (aka The Little Tramp/The Hitler/The Toothbrush) A boxy postage stamp sized patch of hairunder the nose made famous by silent film star Charlie Chaplin. A bit of a comedic character mo, these small square inches of thatch are high maintenance, itchy and the most likely to attract mucous.
    
    3. The Mutton Chop - Four score and seven years ago, Abraham Lincoln sported these meaty sized mounds of facial hair paired with a Chin Curtain that changed the course of facial hair history as we know it. We, the people love this style that can basically be defined as long asssideburns. As manly as a steaming bowl of beef stew, these versatile chops can be mixed and matched with various moustaches (as in the Friendly Mutton Chop), morphedinto a beard, and/or worn solo.
    
    4. The Fu Manchu - Named after the fictional Chinese villain of the same name, the Fu Manchu falls below the chin with slim tapered ends that point downward. Neat and tailored, the only drawback of this style is the long strands that end up dipped in bowls of Egg Drop or Wonton soup. Confucius says �I rearry rike this style�.
    
    5. The Pencil - Spotted on the upper lips of old Hollywood stars of the 30's and 40's i.e. Clark Gable, Errol Flynn, Vincent Price and Zorro, the pencil is a thin, neatly clipped line of hair centered between the lip and nose, emitting a weird, creepy drawn-on vibe. Also seen on the faces of children dressed up as devils on Halloween.
    
    6. The Dali - This surreal 'stache easily identified by the thin wispiness and slender upturned tips is named after and inspired by the famed Spanish artist Salvador Dali. Reserved for the truly bizarre, it was voted the �best-known moustache of all time� by Britain�s Daily Telegraphin 2010 and the �best-known moustache to get your ass kicked� by US Weekly in 2014.
    
    7. The Frida Kahlo � The token female moustache, generally caused by high levels of testosterone and even higher levels of I-don�t-give-a-shit-enough-to-bleach mentality.
    
    8. The Magnum P.I. � The masterpiece of the modern moustache, this 80�s style mo was the star of the widely acclaimed television series that chronicled the adventures of a Hawaiian based private investigator played by Tom Selleck. Known to give more moustache rides than any other style in the history of �staches.
    
    9. The Soul Patch � (aka The Flavor Savor) Made popular in the early nineties, this annoying puff of hair sprouts up under the chin and can be worn solo or paired with a goatee. Despite its name, the Soul Patch is most often seen on the faces of men who have no soul.
    
    10. The 8th Grade Bully - Characterized by an oily, sparse smattering of pre-pubescent hair on the upper lip, this style most often found on middle school bullies is a transitional 'stache that tries rather unsuccessfully to instill fear, but is only successful at covering up under the nose adolescent acne.
- 10 Reasons Why Facebook was Made in Hell
  - There are plenty of good reasons that prove that Facebook was designed in Hell. Here are just a few of them...
    
    1. It lets older relatives embarrass you on a massive scale. That funny joke that you just posted? Ruined by your Great Aunt Sally.
    
    2. It lets all of your ex's cyber stalk you with impunity. Have an old boyfriend who still isn't over you? Chances are he Likes and/or comments on every post you make with frightening intensity.
    
    3. It provides an assortment of mindless games that are designed to suck away your time doing things like virtual farming when you be doing so many other things (like curing cancer or actual farming, for example).
    
    4. It allows all the people from high school that you hated to find you.
    
    5. It is a forum for fair, open minded political discourse. Just kidding, there has never been an open minded, civil conversation about politics on Facebook ever.
    
    6. It forces you to spend a lot of time looking at pictures of cats and baby pictures when you simply couldn't care less.
    
    7. It basically forces you to take tests to determine which Disney Princess or Star Wars character you are.
    
    8. Its privacy settings are almost intentionally confusing, which means that you are probably sharing those embarrassing pictures of your trip to Cabo with your future employers.
    
    9. It shows that everyone else's life is basically better than your own. Sharing a story about your trip to the grocery store? That's nice. Your friend Chris just posted a video of himself skydiving in France while juggling chainsaws.
    
    10. It makes you determine your own self-worth based on how many Likes your posts get. You just made a post two minutes ago and nobody has Liked it yet? Everyone you know must secretly hate you.
- Top 10 Ways to Keep Busy When You Are Snowed In
  - Have you ever been caught by the snowstorm of all snowstorms? You know, the one that comes every year? Well, here are some suggestions on how to pass the time until you are freed from your frozen purgatory.
    
    1. Photo Opportunity
    Take 100 pictures with your digital camera of the painting on the living room wall. Invite Grandma to sit down and view your new photo album with you. Chances are your sweet, accepting Grandmother will sit through the whole presentation and thank you at the end.
    
    2. Open Up
    Open all the doors and windows, turn off the heat and see how long it takes before the temperature indoors matches the temperature outdoors.
    
    3. Close Down
    After you have thoroughly entertained yourself with #2, close all the doors and windows, turn on the heat full blast and see how long it takes to break a sweat.
    
    4. �The�
    Turn on your favorite TV show and count how many times they say the word "the". You might want to use TIVO in case you miss one.
    
    5. Really Bored?
    Repeat #2 and #3 until bedtime.
    
    6. The Foreign Diplomat
    Sit down with a family member, turn on a random foreign language channel and begin translating the show.
    
    7. Cold Air
    Call all the local air conditioner repair shops and tell them your air conditioner needs immediate repair.
    
    8. It's Your Fault
    Use Facebook to locate all your high school teachers and start plotting your revenge.
    
    9. Meow
    Dip the cat's feet in black ink and start playing with one of those red pen lights.
    
    10. Help Me
    Call all the local catholic churches and ask about the price of an exorcism.
    
    11. Bonus
    Send the gift of humor to a loved one via a heartfelt greeting card from www.nobleworkscards.com
- Top 10 Rules of Bacon
  - 1. There shall always be bacon in the house. Always.
    2. There isn't a food that doesn't go on well with bacon. Not even ice cream.
    3. There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who love bacon and those who do not.
    4. Bacon is so tasty even pigs will eat it.
    5. There is no wrong way to cook, boil or fry bacon.
    6. Most of the world's problems can be solved with more bacon. Fact.
    7. Meals without bacon are simply not meals.
    8. You shall consume bacon every day of the week.
    9. Bacon makes everything taste better. Just add bacon.
    10. Bacon will get you laid.
- Top 10 Humor Sites
  - We at NobleWorks have put together a short list of funny, but very risque, humor sites that complement the humor of our funny cards:
    
    9Gag is a collection of funny jokes and pictures all in one place. Users add their own funny internet finds on the site. Readers can build up their own collections of jokes and funny pictures. This is a great place to look to for what's hot to tweet to your friends.
    
    Cracked.com is an online magazine that has funny videos, insanely funny articles, forums, games, and funny stories submitted by fans. The stories range from factual to fictitious, and everything in between.
    
    Break.Com is a collection of funny videos, funny clips and other ways to waste time on your much too short office or lunch break. You don't have to be logged in to see all the trending videos. Videos can be submitted by anyone. Once you're registered, you can share all your Break.Com activities on Facebook.
    
    College Humor is a collection of funny videos, funny pictures and funny articles aimed at the college crowd, or at least, people who still relate to college life. The NSFW, R-rated joke section has been tucked away for logged in users to see.
    
    FailBlog is a humor site within a humor site within a humor site! It's like humor inception! It has tons of "fail" an expression of laughing over someone's failure. It's attached to the Cheezburger site, a place know for stealing several hours of productivity from the lives of many young adults.
    
    The Chive is a site that has humor, articles, pictures, interesting stories and is a fun dating site as well! When not searching for love, users can search for laughs or trending stories and be entertained for hours. There are some very NSFW pictures, so be mindful of how you spend your lunch break!
    
    Video Bash is just what it sounds like: a collision of interesting videos from the internet. There are even games and pictures, but the focus is on bringing the top videos to its fans. Anyone can submit a video.
    
    Xkcd is a website that looks like a comic strip. The comic strip is about funny stick-figure jokes. It has unusual humor and sometimes even mathematics which might make it "unsuitable for liberal arts majors."
    
    eBaums World is a...actually, I have no idea what the site is about. I was scrolling through the funny gallery for a good five minutes in a deep trance as I looked at gifs, funny pictures and a jiggling butt. All I know is that it was hard to pull myself away from the funny, random things on the site.
    
    The Onion is fake news website. It's funny because it's written close enough to a real website that the news almost seems plausible. Almost. There are fake broadcast news stories and fake print stories.
    
    9Gag                     http://9gag.com/
    Cracked                http://www.cracked.com/
    Break                    http://www.break.com/
    College Humor     http://www.collegehumor.com/
    Fail Blog               http://failblog.org/
    The Chive             http://thechive.com/
    Video Bash http://www.videobash.com/
    Xkcd                     http://www.xkcd.com/
    eBaums World      http://www.ebaumsworld.com/
    The Onion             http://www.theonion.com/
    Read more:            http://www.nobleworkscards.com/top-10-humor-sites.html
- Top 10 Elf Cards
  - 10. The 7 Menopausal Dwarves
    
    These funny menopausal ladies are Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Bloaty, Sleepy, Forgetful and Psycho! P.S. Watch out for the last one with the machete knife! Luckily, there is nothing to fear, as all these ladies will be gone in a flash!
    
    9. The 7 Dwarves of Old Age
    
    These dwarves embody all the things we dread about getting older and funny old age jokes in general: There is Nappy, Wrinkly, Squinty, Rocky, Saggy, Farty and Leaky. Don't let the last dwarf near your couch. Don't try to say that we didn't warn you.
    
    8. The 7 Dwarves of Motherhood
    
    These funny motherhood cartoons show the phases most people encounter with motherhood: Huggy, Fussy, Worry, Naggy, Guilty, Saintly and the Enabler. The Enabler is the one who just happens to have a fresh batch of cookies that need to be checked and tasted for quality.
    
    7. The 7 Dwarves of Work
    
    These little office elves have a lot to do, but not much of it seems to be doing work! There is Sleepy, Flirty, Drinky, Loafy, Lunchy, Gabby and Buttkiss. They'll fill up those 40 hours a week doing what they do best: Not working. Remember, everyone loves funny office cards!
    
    6. Santa Bear, and the 7 Gay Elves
    
    The names of these fabulous elves are Bitchy, Twinky, Horny, Queeny, Hunky, Tweeky and Butchy. They Keep Santa fabulous the other 364 days of the year. Also, their connection to the Gay Mafia was just a rumor.
    
    5. Elf Stats
    
    This card shows that as in the human population, 1 out of every 10 elves is actually a fairy!
    
    4. The 7 Dwarves of Xmas
    
    Gifty, Cheery, Cooky, Twinkly, Santy, Chargey and Carol are the dwarves of the Christmas season! Watch out with your wallet and Chargey and let Cooky into your kitchen to whip you some fresh, homemade Christmas cookies!
    
    3. Elf Awareness Elf
    
    This elf is the guiding force behind maintaining the positive elf image and avoiding the pitfalls of elf abuse. Elf peer-pressure is a serious issue and building up elf self confidence is key!
    
    2. Santa's Elves
    
    How does Santa obtain all his elves? He has a recruiting company, of course! Where elves originally come from, no one knows because of the strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy of real elf homeland.
    
    1. Cookieholics Anonymous
    
    How did Santa start off on his cookie habit? I mean, you didn't really think that everyone came up with the idea of leaving out cookies of all kinds for Santa on their own, did you? No. Santa was hooked on the sugary goodness of Christmas cookies and brought those people better gifts. The houses with Girl Scout cookies reportedly had the greatest gifts even if they weren't so nice. Word spread, Santa's appetite increased, and he has been trying to break the habit ever since.
- Top 10 Halloween Jokes
  - 10. What do skeletons say before dinner?
    Bone appetite.
    
    9. What subject is a witch's best subject in school?
    Spelling.
    
    8. Why do witches still fly on broom after all these years?
    Vacuum cleaners don't have a long enough cord.
    
    7. What do monsters have for desert?
    Ice Scream.
    
    6. Why didn't the skeleton cross the street?
    He didn't have the guts.
    
    5. What do people on Twitter do on Halloween?
    Trick-or-tweet.
    
    4. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
    Dayscare.
    
    3. Where ghosts water ski?
    On Lake Erie.
    
    2. Where do ghosts go to relax?
    The Dead Sea.
    
    1. What do you call a witch who lives near Miami beach?
    A sand-witch.
- Top 10 Reasons Dogs are Better Than Men
  - 10. Dogs can be trained.
    9. Dogsare cheap to buy gifts for.
    8.Dogs don't play games'unless it's fetch.
    7. 'No' never means 'yes' to a dog.
    6. Dogs never hog the bathroom in the morning.
    5. Dogs are always happy to see you.
    4. Dogs don't mind eating your leftovers.
    3. You can have someone at the kennel watch your dog while you're gone.
    2. You can have more than one dog in your house.
    1. Dogs feel bad when they've done something wrong.
    
    See some funny dog cartoons by Glenn McCoy!
- Top 10 Worst Christmas Carols
  - 10. Frosty the Alcoholic Snowman
    9. Arr! The Drunken Pirates Sing
    8. I Saw Three Warships (Come Sailing In)
    7. Zombie Bells
    6. The Little Drummer Gangsta Boy
    5. Anything but a Silent Night
    4. O' Little Town of Belen
    3. Rockin' Around the Christmas Patrol
    2. Rudolph, the Substance-Abuse Reindeer
    1. Santa Isn't Coming to Town
- Top 10 Least Beloved Christmas Carols
  - 10. Randoff, the Smelliest Reindeer
    9. The Night Santa was Arrested near the Lincoln Tunnel
    8. The 12 Days of Layoffs
    7. The Little Match Girl and Her AK-47
    6. The Elves and the Shoemaker and Zombies
    5. Christmas Day in the Morning, in an Islamic country
    4. The Snowman goes to Hawaii
    3. The Unholy Night
    2. The Nutcracker and His Warrants
    1. Christmas Carol'with Roseanne Barr
- Top 10 Reasons Chanukah is Cooler Than Christmas
  - 1. You don't have to be nice all year to get presents.
    2. No need to go shopping for a Chanukah tree.
    3. You don't have to put up Chanukah lights outside your house.
    4. Eight days of presents instead of one.
    5. No '12 Days of Dreidels' song.
    6. You don't have to worry about Santa getting stuck in the chimney.
    7. There isn't a Putz on 34th Street movie.
    8. You don't have to explain that Santa was a lie to your kids.
    9. There's no Howie Mandel Chanukah TV Special.
    10. The Chanukah story more has elephants.
- Top 10 Santa's "Do Not Fly-To" Street List
  - 1. Streets with metered rooftop parking.
    2. Streets with sleigh weight restrictions or curb side bag limits.
    3. Streets with rigidly enforced "poop scoop" laws.
    4. Streets informally known to local residents and law enforcement officials as "Crackhouse Row," "Boozecan Alley," or "Bucket of Blood Boulevard."
    5. Any streets located within the city limits of Camden, New Jersey, or Gary, Indiana.
    6. Streets within gated communities with posted "Stand Your Ground" laws.
    7. Streets subject to "Wildlife Prohibited After 10 P.M." ordinances.
    8. Any street where "The Grinches" or "The Scrooges" dwell.
    9. Streets with all-hours open-hunting seasons.
    10. Streets with trans fat or lactose allergy restrictions.
- Top 10 Things You Will Never Hear Santa Say
  - 1. "No, thank you. Santa can't eat another cookie."
    
    2. "Do I look fat in this outfit?"
    
    3. "Better dead than red."
    
    4. "Dear Virginia, I hear you don't believe in me. Just for that you're going on the Naughty List! No Christmas presents for you this year! Believe that, bitch!" — SC
    
    5. "It's just too cold tonight. We're gonna have to ground 'er this Christmas."
    
    6. "Ha ha ha! I know where all the naughty girls live."
    
    7. "I wonder what the South Pole's like this time of year?"
    
    8. "You just made my Shit List! Mwuh-ho-ho-ho!"
    
    9. "Have you been drinking, Rudolph?"
    
    10. "Just for fun, let's violate North Korean and Iranian airspace tonight. See if we can heat things up a bit."
- Top 10 General Christmas Quotes
  - 1. Christmas is a race to see which gives out first, your money or your feet.
    2. Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns?
    3. Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.
    4. Every Christmas I only buy gifts for friends when I find out they already got me one.
    5. I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
    6. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple
    7. Roses are reddish, violets are bluish, if it werent for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish.
    8. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
    9. This year, I'm going to buy all of my Christmas gifts from Nike...Made for kids by kids.
    10. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
    11. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
- Top 10 Funny Christmas Quotes
  - 1. "All New Years is to me is for taking down your dumb Christmas decorations. People who put up Christmas decorations, all they're saying is, 'Hey, we're not Jews.'" --Rich Vos
    2. "Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." -- Jon Stewart
    3. "Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?" -- Jim Gaffigan
    4. "Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!" -- Lewis Black
    5. "I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!" -- Marc Maron
    6. "One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December." -- Louis C.K.
    7. "Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." -- Dennis Miller
    8. "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." -- Jerry Seinfeld
    9. "There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." -- P.J. O'Rourke
    10. "This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox." -- Anthony Jeselnik
- Top 10 Christmas Card Greetings
  - 1. Christmas is the time for joy and happiness. During this season people forget the past and look towards tomorrow.
    2. Christmas is the time to celebrate with friends and family. I wish you lots of joy, smiles and laughter this Christmas.
    3. I hope Santa brings along a memorable moments and amazing gifts for you.
    4. Merry Christmas. I know Santa will bring along lots of wonderful gifts for you. Merry Christmas.
    5. If tonight some big fat man kidnaps and throws you in to a sack, then please stay calm. Because several people have asked Santa for a sweet friend like you.
    6. Merry Christmas. If you wake up tomorrow morning and find no gifts from Santa, do not assume that he fails to exist. In fact that shall truly prove Santa's existence, because I have wished for your wishlist as my gift. Merry Christmas.
    7. May the beauty of the stars descend from heaven into your home. Here's wishing you a joyous Christmas.
    8. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year's Day! May all your dreams come true, this Christmas.
    9. This Christmas, may Santa shower you with loads of joy, happiness and gifts.
    10. This Christmas, may Santa send happiness and your favorite gifts. Merry Christmas.
- Top 10 Christmas Love Quotes
  - 1. I have nothing to ask Santa for since I already have you.
    2. Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is true love.
    3. All I want for Christmas is you.
    4. I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep in all year long.
    5. Christmas makes you want to be with people you love.
    6. Your love is the best gift of all.
    7. Your love is the present that no other can top.
    8. Christmas is the season of love.
    9. Love is all you need on a snowy, Christmas day.
    10. Dear Santa, please bring me love this Christmas.
- Top 10 Best/Worst Educated States & How They Voted
  - 10 States With the Highest Graduation Rates and How They Voted
    
    10. Iowa - Obama
    
    9. Virginia - Obama
    
    8. New Jersey - Obama
    
    7. California - Obama
    
    6. Vermont - Obama
    
    5. Maryland - Obama
    
    4. Pennsylvania - Obama
    
    3. Connecticut - Obama
    
    2. Rhode Island - Obama
    
    1. Massachusetts - Obama
    
    10 States With the Lowest Graduation Rates and How They Voted
    
    10. South Dakota - Romney
    
    9. Oklahoma - Romney
    
    8. West Virginia - Romney
    
    7. Idaho - Romney
    
    6. Hawaii - Obama
    
    5. Arkansas - Romney
    
    4. Louisiana - Romney
    
    3. New Mexico - Obama
    
    2. Nevada - Obama
    
    1. Alaska – Romney
    
    According to HigherEDinfo.org
- Top 10 Words of Wisdom
  - 10. The first screw to get loose is the one that holds your tongue.
    
    9. A goat also has a beard, but that doesn't make him a rabbi.
    
    8. Even if the majority agrees on a stupid idea, it is still stupid.
    
    7. The greatness of this or any country may is the number of people trying to get IN vs. the number trying to get OUT.
    
    6. Most wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the stupid words spoken in earnest.
    
    5. The best defense of our country is to keep it at all times WORTH defending.
    
    4. War doesn't prove who is right; only who is alive.
    
    3. War is better can abolishing nations faster than nations can abolishing wars.
    
    2. You can't shake hands with a fist.
    
    1. You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like that.
- Top 10 Words Santa Vocabulary
  - 10. Santacli: Several Santas.
    
    9. Santarrhea: Too many cookies have this effect.
    
    8. Santa's Little Helper: Viagra.
    
    7. Santantrum: When a child doesn't receive a gift on his or her Christmas list.
    
    6. Santabetic: One who cannot handle too much Santa fun or too much Christmas.
    
    5. Clausetrophobia: Fear of Santa.
    
    4. Santa Style: Like Gangnam Style but in red and with a sleigh.
    
    3. Santasy: Fantasying about the gifts Santa will bring.
    
    2. Santa la vista, Baby: When Christmas is over, but will be back.
    
    1. Santez: Mexican Santa.
- Top 10 Santapedia Searches
  - 10. Chrisacrastinate: Putting on the holiday shopping you can do today for tomorrow.
    
    9. Christmas Adam: Day before Christmas Eve. Adam came before Eve, right?
    
    8. Christmacide: When someone cruelly kills the holiday spirit of Christmas.
    
    7. Christmess: The aftermath of opening Christmas gifts.
    
    6. Christmastoe: Injuring toes while rearranging furniture to accommodate all the Christmas guests.
    
    5. Christmas Tard: When someone sends you a Christmas cards after Christmas.
    
    4. Christmas Chronic: Festive Christmas holiday Mary Jane.
    
    3. Christmas Biscuit: A fart that lingers well until New Year's.
    
    2. Christmi: Plural form of Christmas.
    
    1. Chrisentrest: Pinning Christmas DIY on Pinterest.
- Top 10 Crummiest Christmas Gifts
  - These were quoted as the worst Christmas gifts year after year. Can you relate to these quotes? Have you been a victim of a crummy Christmas gift?
    
    10. Christmas-themed Christmas sweaters.
    
    9. A parking ticket.
    
    8. A baby you didn't know about.
    
    7. A subscription to Menopause Magazine.
    
    6. A pink slip.
    
    5. A box of kittens when you have a cat allergy.
    
    4. Erectile dysfunction.
    
    3. The flu.
    
    2. Cinnamon flavored mayonnaise.
    
    1. Star Wars Christmas Special DVD.
- Top 10 Fart Terms
  - 10. Butt burp
    
    9. Dropping a bomb
    
    8. Stink bomb
    
    7. Silent Fart
    
    6. Gas Master
    
    5. Let one go
    
    4. Break wind
    
    3. Pass Gas
    
    2. Make a stink
    
    1. Fart
- Top 10 Marijuana Names
  - 10. Weed
    
    9. Buddha
    
    8. Chronic
    
    7. Mary Jane
    
    6. 420
    
    5. Ganja
    
    4. Grass
    
    3. Bash
    
    2. Blunt
    
    1. Pot
- Top 10 Girls Names
  - 10. Chloe
    
    9. Mia
    
    8. Madison
    
    7. Abigail
    
    6. Emily
    
    5. Ava
    
    4. Olivia
    
    3. Emma
    
    2. Isabella
    
    1. Sophia
- Top 10 Boys Names
  - 10. Daniel
    
    9. Aiden
    
    8. Alexander
    
    7. Ethan
    
    6. Michael
    
    5. Jayden
    
    4. Noah
    
    3. William
    
    2. Mason
    
    1. Jacob
- Top 10 Strangest Celebrity Baby Names
  - 10. Bronx Mowgli (Ashlee Simpson)
    
    9. Apple (Gwyneth Palrow)
    
    8. Knox Leon (Angelina Jolie)
    
    7. Sunday Rose (Nicole Kidman)
    
    6. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee)
    
    5. Destry (Steven Spielberg)
    
    4. Kal-el Coppola (Nicolas Cage)
    
    3. Audio Silence (Shannyn Sossamon)
    
    2. Rocket (Pharrell Williams)
    
    1. Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson)
- Top 10 Internet Slang
  - 10. LOL - Laughing out loud
    
    9. LMFAO - Laughing my fucking ass off
    
    8. LMAO - Laughing my ass off
    
    7. ROFL - Rolling on the floor laughing
    
    6. BRB - Be right back
    
    5. GTG/G2G - Got to go
    
    4. OMG – Oh my God
    
    3. IDK - I don't know
    
    2. ttyl – Talk to you later
    
    1. WTF - What the fuck
- Top 10 Funny Names
  - 10. I.P. Freely
    
    9. Seymour Butz
    
    8. Mike Rotch
    
    7. Hugh Jass
    
    6. Bea O'Problem
    
    5. Amanda Huggenkiss
    
    4. Ivana Tinkle
    
    3. Anita Bath
    
    2. Drew P. Weiner
    
    1. Yuri Nater
- Top 10 Rejected Reindeer Names
  - Laird Long
    
    1. Datsun – deemed too tiny-sounding even for tiny reindeer, too unreliable, and too commercial.
    
    2. Panzer – considered excessively war-like, with too many negative connotations for veterans and people living in formerly German-occupied territories.
    
    . Blixen – too "Out of Africa"; unattractive sounding and looking (see Streep).
    
    4. Basher – deemed too violent; although it did score highly with English soccer hooligans, their birds, and their children.
    
    5. Duncer – too politically incorrect/insensitive; although a handicapped reindeer was thought to be inclusive and, therefore, good PR.
    
    6. Vomet – air-sickness-related and gross-out issues considered too toxic; though highly favored by young boys, teen comedy producers, and college fraternity brothers.
    
    7. Prixer – considered too pointedly suggestive for evangelical Christians and bluenose feminists.
    
    8. Sexton – deemed too old-fashioned and out of common language usage; scored high with ancient mariners.
    
    9. Gonner – considered too fatalistic a name for a flying animal; other reindeer refused to take-off with someone named Gonner.
    
    10. Cueball – it was concluded that a furless, funny reindeer would never fly with the public, despite strong support from the over-fifty male crowd.
- Top 10 DIY Christmas Cards
  - Laird Long
    
    1. Cut up and fold the Sunday newspaper comics section into halves to create "humorous" greeting cards.
    
    2. Fold up too-small-to-use Christmas wrapping paper remnants into halves to create "Seasonal" greetings.
    
    3. Use two squares of toilet paper to create a multi-purpose greeting card.
    
    4. Kids: use 'found' items from your parents, grandparents, and brothers and sisters (such as: a $100 bill from Dad's wallet, Mom's secret baby-daddy DNA results, Gran's cardiogram chart, Sis' report card or college rejection letter) and fold over and scribble on for Christmas cheer freak-out results.
    
    5. Two food coupons taped together makes a card and present in one.
    
    6. Two foil punch-packets of breath mints stapled together makes a unique card and also sends a message.
    
    7. Cut the tops and bottoms off discarded tin cans, unroll the cylinders, and then fold them in half to create shiny, decorative cards that will last.
    
    8. Carefully dry and fold uneaten turkey skin to create a personalized card and "don't pick on me" reminder for the neighborhood serial killer.
    
    9. Cut up unwanted gifted socks/ties/handkerchiefs/sweaters into sections and then stitch them together to create a gentle but firm reminder to loved ones not to get you the same damn thing again next year.
    
    10. Unfold used paper table napkins to create textures Christmas cards full of aromatic good memories.
- Top 10 Tweets from the Pope
  - Laird Long
    
    1.      O: God @God
    
              @Pontifex yo! s'up, my man (on earth)?
    
              How r u celebr8ing my son's bday? Nuther boring speech? LOL!
    
              Have a holy night, bro.
    
              I: For Christ's sake, have yourself a Merry Christmas
    
    2.      O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex
    
              Hey, i thought i had 1.1 BILLION followers!?
    
              Cmon, guys! The Bieb's way ahead.
    
              God @God
    
              @Pontifex YOU have followers!? LMFAO!
    
              I: Follow the lead: have a Happy Birthday
    
    3.      O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex
    
              Another GD pointy hat for my bday!
    
              Can u f'ing believe it!?
    
              I: The point is: make the most of it, and have yourself a Happy Birthday!
    
    4.      O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex
    
              Had lots of presents for every1 this Xmas. But the butler stole them!
    
              LOL! Am i wicked or what?
    
              I: Help yourself to a Merry Christmas!
    
    5.      O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex
    
              All u GD kids stop txting me! I'm not Santa Claus!
    
              WAFPITA!
    
              I: Try to stay on His nice list this year. Merry Christmas!
    
    6.      O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex
    
              Any1 else c Biebr on The View?
    
              Bless me, who cr8td that ass!? LOL! I'll tweet the Man upstrs and get back 2 u.
    
              I: Holy shit! It's your Birthday!
    
              Have a god one! I mean, a good one!
    
    7.      O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex
    
              2 evry1: pls continue 2 confess @ yr local church.
    
              Txting it in doesn't count. Thx. And give generously.
    
              I: I could've just phoned it in, but I got you this lovely card, instead.
    
              Happy B-Day!
    
    8.      O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex
    
              Jst heard abt this church where a blindflded kid picks the new Pope!
    
              WTF's up with that!? R way is much better – SAYS ME! LOL!
    
              I: You have been chosen to have a Happy Birthday!
    
    9.      O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex
    
              EPIC SRMON 2DAY!! Even the BIG GUY txtd me 2 say GR8 JOB!
    
              I was on fire. In a good way. LOL!
    
              I: Have yourself one Hell of a Birthday!
    
    10.    O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex
    
              Did u c Beyonce at the Grammys!?
    
              Bless me, i'd hit that any given Sunday! #booty
    
              God @God
    
              @Pontifex Focus, my son. Or i'm shutting down your account. Again!
    
              I: It's your Birthday! You can do anything you want! (within reason)
- Top 10 Bacon Numbers
  - Google has a funny bacon Google search tool aptly called the "Bacon Number" that calculates the connection between every actor with Kevin Bacon. The new search is based on a Pennsylvania's Albright College student game of connecting how far everyone in Hollywood is removed from Kevin Bacon. Try this bacon fun sometime!
    
    10. Jessica Alba's Bacon Number
    
    9. Jennifer Aniston's Bacon Number
    
    8. Halle Berry's Bacon Number
    
    7. Jessica Biel's Bacon Number
    
    6. Brad Pitt's Bacon Number
    
    5. Humphrey Bogart's Bacon Number
    
    4. Leonardo DiCaprio's Bacon Number
    
    3. Audrey Hepburn's Bacon Number
    
    2. Elvis' Bacon Number
    
    1. Mark Wahlberg's Bacon Number
    
    Brought to you by BACON!
- Top 10 Things You Didn't Know You Wanted
  - 10. Laser Keyboard. It's like something out of Total Recall. Type anywhere! Type in the dark. Type on a napkin. How could I not know how much I wanted this?
    
    9. Pop-Bubble Calendar. Every morning you get to start off the day with a satisfying "pop" from the funny calendar.
    
    8. Chewbacca Jacket. One does not need to even be that big of a Star Wars fan to fall in love with this fuzzy futuristic monster jacket. It's that bad-ass.
    
    7. Mustache Hangers. These giant mustache hangers will make you smile every time you open your closet.
    
    6. Sweet Hoover Craft. It looks like something out of Star Trek. Or Star wars. Or Firefly. You know, one of those futuristic movies. But you don't need a time machine to cruise one of these bad boys, you just need a lot of money.
    
    5. USB Outlet. Sometimes you just want to charge your phone, mp3 player, camera or something else with a USB plug (what else would possibly use a USB plug?) but you don't want to wait for your computer to turn on. This is the perfect solution. In fact, all houses should come with these installed.
    
    4. Zelda Wedding Rings. These are so awesome that even non-gamers will wish they had a ring with such style and finesse.
    
    3. Gun Alarm Clock. This target alarm clock will in tip-top shooting strength whether you work at the CIA or Wholefoods.
    
    2. Message Toaster. Is there a meeting in the afternoon? Do you want to let your kids know you love them? Why not burn that message on toast with this tiny, cute toaster. Whatever you can think of, even a naughty toaster message, you can write it on this toaster.
    
    1. Glow in the Dark Laces. Do you have shoes with grommets (i.e., the little holes on the sides)? Do you go out at night? If you answered "yes" to both of these questions, you may be in need of these fiber optic laces.
- Top 10 Strange Google Search Results
  - Sometimes Google has a mind of its own as you search for something in the Google search engine. Sometimes Google tries to read your mind as you type by using what other people have searched for to guess what you're going to search for. Sometimes Google is tragically wrong! Here are the strangest Google search results of the day.
    
    10. Why Do Black
    Before anything could come after black--maybe we were searching for "cats"-- Google decided that we were not only searching for black people, but also searching for black stereotypes. Now, we'll never know why do black disappear around Halloween.
    
    9. Can Chuck Norris
    What do people wonder about what Chuck Norris can do? According to this search result, people are worried that Chuck Norris is going to find them (and possibly kick some ass?). Just what are people doing in their spare time to bring on the wrath of Norris?
    
    8. Google Is
    What is Google? Evil? God (this one made us LOL) ? Your friend? Better than Bing? Whatever Google is, we have a feeling someone over at the corporate office thinks they're God. Let's just hope Google is our friend because I need someone to loan me $20 tonight.
    
    7. Why Do Home
    Before we could even finish typing "homes" Google just decided that we probably wanted to know why homeless people smelled or that we were secretly knocked up. Let's just hope they're not homeless and holding a faulty pregnancy test.
    
    6. Why Do Rednecks Have
    Why do Rednecks have such awesome BBQs? Well, that's not what Google thought we wanted. Google thought we wanted to know why rednecks are missing teeth, as if there were no rednecks with a full set while they waved their confederate flags all while sporting mullets and full beards. We're really going to have to take a trip to the South to see if it is so.
    
    5. Obama Eats
    Babies. People are really wondering if Obama eats babies when he's not working with congress or talking with dignitaries from around the world. Instead of worrying if Obama has some economic solutions to our current problems, people want to know if he's a cannibal.
    
    4. Why Do Hippies
    If you were wondering why hippies like Bob Dylan, you're alone. Everyone else wants to know why hippies have a foul smell as they hula hoop with their long hair.
    
    3. Walmart is
    Walmart is everything. Good. Evil. Bad. Good. Google really doesn't know if you're pro or anti Walmart so it's going to go with everything so you can find links to however you were leaning with Walmart.
    
    2. White Woman
    Come on. You have to admit this made you laugh. People connect "white woman" and "Eddie Murphy" after they're done working our their syndromes.
    
    1. Why am I De
    Why am I dead? Well, because you're a zombie. Now, get back to the cast of Walking Dead before someone notices you're missing. Don't you have brains to eat?
- Top 10 Hipster Jesus Memes
  - Hipsters and Jesus. Jesus died for the sins of the world. Hipsters wear skinny jeans and listen to underground bands and sponge off their parents well into their 30s.You can find them sipping off of $4 lattes while complaining about how industrialized the world has become despite the fact they couldn't survive a day on the farm without going into a holy daze. They don't like to do anything everyone else is doing because they find coolness in the obscure, but end up looking and acting like all the other hipsters they're friends with. These two things, hipsters and Jesus, don't seem to be related until you take a closer look at Jesus' life. Here are the Top 10 Jesus Memes we found on the internet.
    
    10. Hipster Jesus Loved You Before You Were Cool.
    
    Hipster Jesus was a very humble guy seeing as he had the power of a god, because he was God.
    
    9. YOLO (You Only Live Once)
    
    YOLO is an acronym that became a famous hastag on Twitter. People started ending all their tweets on Twitter with YOLO to mention something crazy they did because they only live once.
    
    8. Jesus Never Said HE Hated the Gays
    
    Really. Look it up if you don't believe us. All that gay stuff is in other passages where Jesus isn't talking. Marching around with a entourage of guys, you think the topic would have come up at least a few times.
    
    7. Jesus Came Back To Life
    
    Jesus came back to life before it was cool. Take that, Walking Dead!
    
    6. People Followed Jesus Before Twitter
    
    Who followed you before Twitter? A random stalker? Jesus had a whole crew of people wanting to hear everything he thought about throughout the day.
    
    5. He Had a Whole Book Written About Him
    
    They had to literally rewrite the book about everything when he came along.
    
    4. Jesus Only Preached In Small, Middle Eastern Venues
    
    If you wanted to see Jesus live, you had to travel to where he was in the Middle East.
    
    3. Jesus Has Street Cred
    
    Jesus was born in a barn, afterall.
    
    2. Jesus Grew Up In a Jewish Household
    
    He grew up with two Jewish parents and inspired an entire new religion that changed everything he had studied and learned about being Jewish.
    
    1. Walking On Land --Too Mainstream
    
    Jesus could walk on water. Jesus could moonwalk on water if he wanted.
- Top 10 Signs You Might Be A Hipster
  - 10. People would assume you were fluent in French and Japanese by looking at your digital movie collections.
    
    9. You like to randomly bring up all the places you've been to in conversations, "Books? Why, yes, I had a book when I was backpacking in the Amazon to take picture of indigenous tribes."
    
    8. You wore nerd classes before they were mainstream.
    
    7. No matter the time of year, you have a scarf.
    
    6. No one has heard of your favorite cool band, and once they have, it's not your favorite band anymore.
    
    5. You moved into an ethnic neighborhood because of the unique feel of it, and so did everyone else, so all the ethnic people were forced out because property values increased too much.
    
    4. You own six or more pairs of skinny jeans.
    
    3. You tell your friends you only shop at thrift shops.
    
    2. It takes you 30 minutes to make your hair look like you just rolled out of bed.
    
    1. You've his book, "Infinite Jest" by David Foster Wallace.
- Top 10 Movie Quotes
  - 10. "In space no one can hear you scream."--Alien (1979)
    
    9. "Houston, we have a problem."--Apollo 13 (1995)
    
    8. "They're back."--Poltergeist II (1986)
    
    7. "We are not alone."--Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
    
    6. "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water."--Jaws 2 (1978)
    
    5. "Be afraid. Be very afraid."--The Fly (1986)
    
    4. "The horror...the horror."--Apocalypse Now (1979)
    
    3. "They're young...they're in love...and they kill people."--Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
    
    2. "The classic story about a boy and his mother."--Psycho (1998)
    
    1. "Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get."--Forrest Gump (1994)
- Top 10 Riddles and Riddle Quotes
  - 10. I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I? A naughty nose!
    
    9. What can you catch but not throw? A cold.
    
    8. The man who made this doesn't want one. The person who buys it doesn't need it. The person who needs it doesn't know it. What is it? A coffin.
    
    7. Some say I'm too fast other's to slow and people are always trying to find me. What am I? Time.
    
    6. There are four children and four chocolate bunnies in a basket. Each child gets a chocolate bunny, yet there is still a chocolate bunny in the basket. How can this happen? One of the children kept the basket.
    
    5. What is it that you can take away whole and still have some left over? Wholesome.
    
    4. What three consecutive days can you say without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday? Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
    
    3. What has no flesh, feathers, scales or bones, but has fingers and thumbs? Gloves
    
    2. What is lighter than a feather but something no man can hold for very long? A breath.
    
    1. Who is your father's sister's sister-in-law be to you? Your mother.
- Top 10 Birthday Cake Jokes
  - 10. Because chocolate can't get you pregnant.
    
    9. Birthday cake misspelling.
    
    8. Birthday cake fart.
    
    7. Birthday cake in drag.
    
    6. Birthday cake icing joke.
    
    5. Birthday cake egg joke.
    
    4. Birthday cake "baked" joke.
    
    3. Birthday cake too-many-candles joke.
    
    2. Birthday cake therapy joke.
    
    1. Birthday cake booger joke.
- Top 10 Amazon Reviews
  - 10. Unicorn Meat
    
    "Don't order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the Pegasus ranches. Don't believe the propaganda of Lisa Frank and the other tycoons of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures is the abattoir and the rainbow factory. Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead" --V. Zhirinovsky "Vlad the Mad"
    
    9. Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer
    
    "I don't see it listed anywhere in the product description but this product is not only good for when you touch your own naughty parts but also after you have touched someone else's parts! It's like a two-in one thing. Um 5 in one. 3..." –Nicnac
    
    8. Uranium Ore
    
    "Whenever I fly I always pack a can of this wonder stuff in each piece of my luggage. As we all know, so many bags look alike. How often do you get to your hotel, only to find you have walked away with the wrong bag, and are forced to wear a stranger's underwear for the rest of the trip? We've all been there right? So when that confusing luggage starts whirling around the baggage claim carousel I just whip out my Geiger Counter and let the uranium go to work for me. I merely wait for those comforting clicks (and after longer flights look for the glowing hot spot) and I know I have found my bags. Occasionally airlines lose my bags (yes, it does happen people). But whenever I fill out that claim form, and let them know my uranium is missing - well I tell you, they literally SPRING into action. They'll track down that errant bag faster than you can say "Chernobyl."
    
    And I cannot tell you how many new friends I have made in TSA and Customs since I've adopted this sure-fire system. Nothing brightens their day quite like finding a traveler with potentially fissionable material. Throw away those gaudy rainbow bag straps forever and step into the atomic age. It's no longer just uranium, it's my-ranium. Thanks Amazon!" --Shady Ave Reader
    
    7. Whole Rabbit
    
    "I bought two, left them alone in the refrigerator for a week, and now I have thirty-eight.
    
    Off to buy a bigger fridge."-- J. A. KONRATH "Thriller Author"
    
    6. Tuscan Milk
    
    "I'm not usually one to give in to the hype. But everyone keeps talking about this 'Tuscan milk' and how it's the new Macarena. It's Texas Hold 'Em, low carbs, and reality TV all rolled into one. But this is one fad that is sure to last.
    
    I bought my first gallon, and not being one for moderation, I ended up drinking the whole gallon one morning. I was just going to drink a glass before work, then be on my way. One glass turned into two. Two turned into a bigger glass. Next thing I know I was sprawled out on my living room floor next to the empty gallon.
    
    I stumbled up and made my way out the door, only to arrive at work and meet an angry boss. He said he was letting me go, and I was 'no longer a part of the vision.' I was angry. And very much disappointed. I loaded my things into my car and drove away.
    
    On the way home, my car started sputtering. All the lights came on, and my engine fell out while going down the freeway. I pulled to the side of the road, and started walking. I certainly wasn't going to call a tow truck, I can't afford it now.
    
    I then got the bright idea to call my girlfriend. Upon answering, I could hear a man's voice in the background. She was out of breath, and certainly had just come back from a long jog. I asked if she would come and pick me up, and she said she was 'indisposed at the moment.' I then became more angry, and asked her why not. She promptly dumped me.
    
    With my belly still full of Tuscan Milk, I plodded on towards my home. I started pondering why she was leaving me, and entertained the thought that it must have something to do with that man in the background. Who was he? Why was he there? Then it dawned on me. The truth, as I had then thought, had arrived.
    
    It's that damn Tuscan milk! I foolishly blamed the milk for my problems. I lost my job, my car broke, and my girlfriend left me. All in one morning! I thought the milk was the cause.
    
    Hours later, I arrived at my home. 'Nice' I thought, as I spotted the 30 day notice. The thought of now getting kicked out my house kind of made me smile. At this point, nothing could get worse, right? It's not like a gang of ninjas is going to come in and kill my family or something.
    
    If you didn't catch the sarcasm in that last paragraph, a gang of ninjas did indeed come in and kill my family. Got 'em all. But still, I don't blame the milk now.
    
    You might ask, 'why Jeremy? why are you so jovial?' The answer to that, my friends, is because I'm days away from becoming a millionaire. This whole situation will be erased. With my millions, everything will change.
    
    Fired from my job? Now I don't need one.
    Car broke down? I'll buy a Lexus instead.
    Kicked out my house? To heck with renting, I'll buy a new one.
    Family dead? I'll buy a new one.
    Girlfriend left? You get the picture.
    
    All my problems are solved!
    
    A few days ago I received an email from the prince of Nigeria. It appear their government is collapsing. And they need to move 100 million dollars out of there, STAT. So they researched, searching the world for a top secret, financial mercenary to give the money to, and found me. They must have heard about my skills. So they contacted me. I get, as a commission, ten percent of the take. If you think about it, that's a pretty good deal for someone who is saving your country.
    
    I've given them the necessary banking information to the proper agents, and everything should be transferring soon. I will hang out in the park, where I now live, and wait for that phone call. Once I receive the phone call, the money went through, and you are looking at a ten millionaire. I think I'll go purchase some new duds, and maybe head down to Vegas and bet ten thousand a hand. I'll fly to Miami and dig my toes in the sand, or jet off to Hawaii for some fun in the sun.
    
    I'm here at the library surfing Amazon, and wanted to order some milk. For some reason my ATM wouldn't go through, kept saying insufficient funds, even though there is money in there. Must be some mistake. I'm off to the bank to ask them what's up, but first I thought I'd tell you all about the milk that saved my life.
    
    RECOMMENDED A+++++++"-- Jeremy Morgan
    
    5. Wolf Shirt
    
    "This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.
    
    I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
    
    Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
    Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark."-- B. Govern "Bee-Dot-Govern"
    
    4. BIC Ball Pen
    
    "Do you recall the old Bic pen commercials where they fire a Bic pen into a piece of wood and it still writes? Well I do, but I never really believed it. That is, until I had the necessary task of defending my life with the aid of a Bic pen. Coming home and alarming an intruder, I found myself locked in mortal combat with a very large man who was intent on killing me. My only weapon was the Bic Cristal ballpoint pen I routinely carry in the breast pocket of my starched white pinpoint oxford button down.
    
    I was able to successfully insert my Bic Cristal ballpoint pen into the esophageal area of my attacker's throat and incapacitate him until the constables arrived to take him into custody. Paramedics removed the pen from his throat and returned it to me. Rather amazingly, I wiped the blood and a small amount of body tissue from the pen and used it to write my police statement.
    
    Though not commonly considered a weapon of self defense, my Bic Cristal ballpoint pen proved to me the old adage that "the pen is mightier than the sword." (I must admit though, that I would have far preferred a sword had I the option to choose beforehand.) All in all, a five star rating for this dual-use pen."-- donniedarko "donnie"
    
    3. Squirrel Mask
    
    "I have spent my whole life wanting to be a stupid squirrel. Knowing deep down inside that I should have been born a squirrel. I sit for hours outside under a tree with my squirrel friends just hoping that one day I won't feel like an outsider but truly one of them. They are kind and tell me to not take it so hard and that its ok to be different but deep down inside I know I am just a human....until now. Once I put on the mask I was no longer an outsider any more but a real squirrel. I felt for the first time in my life I wasn't living a lie anymore. Every day trying to be something that I'm not. And after my species reassignment surgery I will be who I was meant to be, who I should have been in the first place a squirrel."-- A.Joy
    
    2. Twilight Book
    
    "I don't get it. I just don't get it. I thought young adult fiction had hit its low point with Eragon, but apparently I was wrong. Bella Swan (literally, "beautiful swan," which should be a red flag to any discerning reader) moves to the rainy town of Forks, and the whining begins on page 1. She goes to live with her father Charlie, and is quickly established to be a moppey, ungrateful, self-pitying little toerag. Bella then attends her new school, which turns out to be an all-out caricature of high school with about zero (rounding up) grounding in real life. Her classmates' reaction can be summed up thusly: "OMG. NEW STUDENT. OMG YOU GUYS, NEW STUDENT. STARE AT HER, FOR SHE IS CLEARLY SUPERIOR TO US." Bella Sue is promptly adored by everyone in the school, except the mysterious Cullns, who spend their time brooding, being pretty, smoldering, being perfect, and sparkling. No, seriously. NO, SERIOUSLY. Bella meets Edward, the Culleniest of the Cullens, (meaning he is more perfect and emo than the rest of them,) they fall in love within thirty pages, (much of this time is spent in Bella's head going back and forth between "Does he like me?" "Does he hate me?" "Do I like him?" "Why does he hate me?" and on and on and on AND ON. That is, when she's not being a horrible snobby twit to the boys at school who show affection in genuinely sweet ways, i.e., not breaking into her house and watching her while she sleeps. While she sleeps. Not knowing that he's there. IN HER HOUSE.) The plot shows up somewhere in the last fifty pages, which involves an EVIIIIIILL vampire named James who wants to eat Bella. James is the only character I like.
    
    I generally try to find something redeeming about books, but I honestly have nothing good to say about this drivel. Meyer writes as if the reader is an absolute idiot who has to be told every sing tiny little thing; we are never given the chance to interpret what's going on in the characters' heads. There is no mystery, no intrigue, no suspense. The characters themselves are cut-and-dried, stereotypical, and maddeningly unoriginal. Bella's (supposedly) the clever, beautiful heroine, Edward's the dark, brooding bad boy, James is... uh, the guy that wants to eat Bella. Meyer clearly wants Bella to be a strong female character, but the horrible sad truth is that she's pathetic. Bella follows Edward's every word religiously, never sticks up for herself, has no spine to speak of, plays Suzie Housewife to her father, and has no existence outside of her "romance" with Edward. On that note, let it be said that Nathaniel Hawthorne got more romance into a few lines about a rosebush than Meyer managed to cram into 400 pages. Edward and Bella's relationship consists almost entirely of staring at each other dewy-eyed and arguing about who's prettier (NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.)"-- Rachel Rooker "Snark Monster"
    
    1. A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates Book
    
    "Such a terrific reference work! But with so many terrific random digits, it's a shame they didn't sort them, to make it easier to find the one you're looking for"-- a curious reader
- Top 10 Holes on Earth
  - Have you ever been surfing the internet and wondered where the biggest holes on earth were? Well, wonder no more! We at NobleWorks have a collection of the biggest holes out there! These holes might be amazing, but some are quite terrifying...especially when one reaches the end of the list! Don't say we didn't warn you.
    
    10. Great Blue Hole, Belize
    
    As its not-so-clever name would suggest, this is a great, blue hole near the lovely country of Belize. This bad-boy was formed during the Ice Age as a cave, so if you're looking for an old hole with some cool stalactites, here it is!
    
    9. Chuquicamata, Chile
    
    In Chile, not to be confused with the delicious food chili, there is an open-pit copper mine called Chuquicamata. Try saying that five times fast!
    
    8. Darvaza Gas Crater, Turkmenistan
    
    People in the area fondly call this place "The Gate to Hell." Also, there are no people in the area because who wants to live near the Gate to Hell? If you're wondering how this hole came to be, it all started with some scientists. They found this giant cavern of natural gas. Instead of harnessing the gas to use as power, they decided to light that bitch up. Unfortunately, they didn't realize how much gas was in there.
    
    Let's just say it's still burning.
    
    7. Diavik Mine, Canada
    
    Canadians have some big holes too. This places pumps out 3,500 pounds of diamonds every year. I think that's just enough to make Paris Hilton happy for a day.
    
    6. Sinkhole, Guatemala
    
    This sinkhole ripped away house and killed people. It was caused, according to reports, by a faulty sewage system which is pretty scary.
    
    5. Mirny Diamond Mine, Russia
    
    No, this isn't the aftermath of a meteorite assaulting the Earth with a terrible hit...it's from Russia looking for diamonds.
    
    4. "Glory Hole" Monticello, California
    
    Isn't a "glory hole" something at a dirty book store? This hole got its glorious name because it was so big. Or that's just what people say. In reality it's a spillway when there is too much water.
    
    3. "Big Hole" Kimberley, South Africa
    
    Not only is this hole big, it was also dig out by hand, take that Russia and your jet engines! This hole doesn't produce diamonds anymore but did give birth to De Beers, the infamous diamond cartel.
    
    2. Bigham Copper Mine, Utah
    
    Another unimaginatively named hole, the Bigham Copper Mine in Utah is the biggest hole in the area...so far.
    
    1. Bottomless Pit, Washington, D.C.
    
    The most frightening of all the holes is this one. It swallows trillions and trillions of dollars every year without looking back. Much like the Gate to Hell in Russia, this hole in Washington doesn't look like it will ever stop! The money is never seen again and no one knows what happened to the money poured into it. It simply vanishes. Some say you can find a lot of assholes in the area. Even the president can't stop it.
- Top 10 Dog Shaming Pictures
  - Anyone who has ever had a dog will tell you, dogs do some weird and destructive things. Owners take it out on the dogs by publicly embarrassing their pets on the internet so the whole world can see that Fido has been a bad dog.
    
    The classic elements of dog shaming include a doggy confession written on a card held up next to the shameful dog. Let that be a lesson to all the naughty dogs that pee on Christmas trees!
    
    10. Dog Shaming Picture: To Kill a Mocking Bird
    
    9. Dog Shaming: Stolen Ice Cream
    
    8. Dog Shaming: Jump
    
    7. Dog Shaming: Coal Eater
    
    6. Dog Shaming: Doll Killer
    
    5.Dog Shaming: Stealing Baby Snacks
    
    4. Dog Shaming: Barking at Mexicans
    
    3. Dog Shaming: Kitty Litter Muncher
    
    2. Dog Shaming: Carpet Destruction
    
    1. Dog Shaming: Butt Licker, Face Kisser
- Top 10 Things I Learned From My Mom
  - 10. My mother taught me to appreciate when someone does a job well. She always said, "If you're going to kill each other, take it outside.
    
    9. My mother taught me the value of faith. She said, "You better pray I can fix this mess you made."
    
    8. My mother taught me the real side of time travel. She said, "If you don't hurry up, I'm gonna kick you into next week."
    
    7. My mother taught me how to think and use logic when she said, "Because I say so, that's why!"
    
    6. My mother taught me the ways of irony when she would say, "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
    
    5. My mom taught me about weather conditions because she would always say, "Did a tornado come through here?"
    
    4. My mom taught me about death because she'd always say, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out."
    
    3. My mother taught me lessons in hypocrisy when she said, "If I told you once, I told you a hundred times, 'Don't exaggerate!'"
    
    2. My mother taught me about behavior modification when she would say, "Stop acting like your dad!"
    
    1. My mother taught me about envy when she said, "There are millions of children in this world who don't have amazing parents like you do!"
- Top 10 Darth Vader Moments
  - People like to think of Darth Vader as a dark overlord with choking heartlessness that can't be quelled. While that was true during his Dark Side years, he was in many ways just like you or me. And how could anyone not want to join the Dark Side? Full medical and dental coverage were offered even to new Storm troopers. Funny birthday cards are also standard, we heard.
    
    10. Darth Vader Meets Batman
    
    9. Darth Vader Finds a Book That Changes His Life
    
    8. Darth Vader Hanging Out With Cape MeetUp Group
    
    7. Darth Vader Goes to the Beach
    
    6. DJ Darth Vader Mixing Beats
    
    5. Darth Vader Time Traveler
    
    4. Darth Vader Visits Crazy Uncle Bob
    
    3. Darth Vader at Disney Land
    
    2. Darth Vader After The Clone War
    
    1. Darth Vader Finding His Musical Passion
- Top 10 Clean, Funny Jokes
  - 10. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrew it.
    
    9. I used to be a banker, but then I found that I had lost interest.
    
    8. Ghoulish French pancakes give me the crepes.
    
    7. My iPod is like the Titanic, it's always syncing.
    
    6. My brother is addicted to brake fluid, but he tells us he can stop any time.
    
    5. She said she remembered me from the Vegetarian MeeUp, but I've never met herbivore.
    
    4. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
    
    3. I'm currently reading a book on anti-gravity that's hard to put down.
    
    2. My doctor said if I get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
    
    1. Broken arrows are pointless.
- Top 10 Funniest Maps
  - These are the funniest world maps out there, but we can't say they are politically correct. In fact, these are the most politically incorrect maps floating around. We really had a scour the internet, looking in the strangest places to find these oddities. Maps of how New Yorkers and Americans seeing the world, or, at least, how some. The funniest part is how wrong these pseudo cartographers are!
    
    10. New Yorker's Map of America
    
    9. The World According to Ronald Regan
    
    8. Asia According to Americans
    
    7. The Bed According to a Cat
    
    6. Europe According to Americans
    
    5. Europe According to Gay Men
    
    4. America as Seen by Europeans
    
    3. America as Seen by Canadians
    
    2. America According to Common Sense
    
    1. The World, According to Americans
- Top 10 Horse Head Pictures
  - No one is quite sure how the horse head/horse mask phenomena started, but we do know it's not going anywhere. The appeal of the horse mask should be obvious: it makes for a golden photo opportunity. Mundane things, such as a day at the office or hitting the bar after work, suddenly seem a hundred—no, make that a thousand—times funner. So why don't you grab a horse mask and add some laughs to your day? While you're at it, pick up some NobleWorks birthday cards for her (whoever she is) today!
    
    Here are the top 10 horse mask pictures!
    
    10. Horse Mask Honeymoon
    
    9. Horse Head Dog
    
    8. Horse Mask Guy
    
    7. Horse Mask Bearing Arms
    
    6. Horses at the Bar
    
    5. Romantic Horse Head Date
    
    4. Horse Mask Rave
    
    3. Horse Man in the Bathroom
    
    2. Horse at Splash Mountain
    
    1. Horse Man at Work
- Top 10 Easter Eggs Photos
  - It's Easter time again, and with that comes whimsical Easter eggs to brighten your day and make you laugh. Why not boil up some eggs, bring out the paint and hide some Easter eggs and enjoy this Easter with your friends and family. Who knows? Maybe the Easter Bunny will hide beer at your house. Be sure to check out NobleWorks funny line of Easter greeting cards for friends and family members. You won't be sorry.
    
    10. Vampire Easter Eggs
    
    9. Happy Easter Eggs
    
    8. Storm trooper Eggs
    
    7. Broken Eggs
    
    6. You Have Too Much Time on Your Hands, Easter Eggs
    
    5. Tribute Easter Eggs
    
    4. Optimistic Easter Eggs
    
    3. Getting to Know You, Easter Eggs
    
    2. Pokemon Easter Eggs
    
    1. South Park Easter Eggs
- Top 10 Creepiest Easter Rabbits
  - Other than Santa's lap, the only other laps parents ask their kids to sit on seems to be the Easter Rabbit. For some reason, some children are terrified of mutant-size rabbits with huge fangs and floppy ears. Who knew? Cute chocolate bunnies scare no one, however. Maybe instead of taking your kids to see the Easter bunny, you can do a funny Easter egg hunt instead and save your child some therapy down the road.
    
    10. Scary, White Rabbit
    
    9. Mutant-Head Easter Rabbit
    
    8. Pedo-Bunny
    
    7. Vampire Easter Rabbit
    
    6.Retro Bunny
    
    5. Creepy Easter Bunny
    
    4. Dust Bunny Easter Bunny
    
    3. Easter Rabbit From the Land of Nightmares
    
    2. Plotting to Kill You, Easter Rabbit
    
    1. Easter Bunny Mugger
- Top 10 Funny Easter Peeps
  - Easter peeps are an Easter favorite! But sometimes one can find herself with too many marsh mellow peeps around the Easter holiday. These cute little guys won't fit into a funny Easter card for brother or sister, that's for sure. So what to do with too many peeps? This is quite a delicious predicament.
    
    Why not have some fun with your peeps and let them have fun. Here are just some funny peep dioramas other people have done with peeps to inspire you!
    
    10. Sesame Peeps
    
    9. Artsy Peeps
    
    8. Sushi Peeps
    
    7. Jesus Peeps
    
    6. Simpsons Peeps
    
    5. Alien Peeps
    
    4. Jurassic Peeps
    
    3. NASA Peeps
    
    2. Zombie Peeps
    
    1. Biblical Peeps
- Top 10 Bizarre Experts
  - What career path did you want to be as a child growing up? We're guessing it was something normal like being a teacher or a police officer (funny police jokes, anyone?) Maybe you even dreamed of being a lawyer and going to law school someday. Well, there are other jobs, and not only are these jobs you didn't know existed, but they have their experts. How does one exactly study to be a chocolate beer expert? We didn't see that major listed in our college course catalog before we graduated and received lots of funny graduation cards from family. We would like to present you with some very strange and bizarre experts that do exist. Who knew?
    
    10. Porn Historian
    
    9. Shredded Cheese Authority
    
    8. Cat Behavior Consultant.
    
    7. Smarties Expert
    
    6. Wizard, Mail Santa, Rasputin Impersonator
    
    5. Bride Kidnapping Expert
    
    4. Bread Scientist
    
    3. Chocolate Beer Specialist
    
    2. MILF Commander
    
    1. Paperfolder
- Top 10 Worst Mascots
  - Mascots are the symbols of team. They bring luck and help the crowd cheer for the team drumming up applause and excitement for the crowd. While the football players are asking the coaches if they are the hugs or kisses, the mascots are out there singing and dancing.
    
    Some people are unfortunate enough to have bad mascots. And by bad, we mean HORRIBLE. Really, what were they thinking? A few of these mascots have been retired, but we remember. Let's look at the 10 worst mascots of all time.
    
    10. University of California, Santa Cruz: Banana Slug
    
    9. Xavier University, Cincinnati: Blue Blob
    
    8. Delta State University, Cleveland: The Fighting Okra
    
    7. Philadelphia 76ers: Hip Hop
    
    6. University of Nebraska, Lincoln: Lil Red
    
    5. Syracuse University in Syracuse, New York: Otto the Orange
    
    4. Oregon: Roboduck
    
    3. Seattle Sonics: Squatch
    
    2. Stanford University, Stanford: Stanford Tree
    
    1. Montreal Canadiens: Youppi
- Top 10 Birthday Banner Sites
  - Maybe your birthday boy or girl doesn't want candy or flowers. Perhaps this person wants something different and more computer related. So make a birthday banner. That's different. Here's a list of the top 10 birthday banner sites we could find. Just don't forget the hilarious cards from NobleWorks Cards! Everyone loves birthday cards.
    
    10. Live Banner Maker
    
    9. Banner Fans
    
    8. Banner Creator
    
    7. Online Banner Generator
    
    6. 3D Text Maker
    
    5. Banner Sketch
    
    4. Flash Vortex
    
    3. Banner Snack
    
    2. Templates Box
    
    1. The PC Man
- Top 3 Birthday Cake Recipes
  - Why go to the store when you can make your own cake? As long as you have the bowls and pans already, why not? These birthday cake recipes are the perfect addition to the humorous birthday cards you bought from NobleWorks. Stir up the laughs and whip up some delicious treats of your very own. People might even ask where you got the recipe. Don't worry, we won't tell.
    
    Carmel Cake
    
    THE CAKE:
    16 tbsp. unsalted butter
    3 cups cake flour, sifted
    2 1/2 tsp. baking powder
    1 tsp. salt
    1 cup milk
    2 tsp. vanilla extract
    1 1/2 cups sugar
    4 eggs
    
    3 cake pans
    
    3 bowls
    
    1 mixer
    
    THE FROSTING:
    3 1/2 cups sugar
    12 tbsp. unsalted butter, melted
    2 (15-oz.) cans evaporated milk
    1 egg
    2 tsp. vanilla extract
    1 tsp. baking soda
    
    Instructions
    
    1. Heat oven to 400°. Butter and flour three 9" cake pans, and set aside. Mix flour, baking powder, and salt in a bowl; set aside. Mix milk and vanilla in a bowl, and set aside. In the bowl with a mixer cream butter and sugar on medium-high speed until pale and fluffy, for about 4 minutes. Then add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition until the batter is smooth. Divide batter among prepared pans, and smooth with a rubber spatula. Tap pans lightly on a counter to expel any large air bubbles. Bake cakes until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean, about 25 minutes. Let cakes cool for 20 minutes in pans; invert onto wire racks, and let cool.
    
    2. Make the icing and assemble the cake: Mix 3 cups sugar, butter, milk, and egg and set aside. Caramelize sugar in a small skillet over high heat, and cook, swirling pan, until sugar melts into an amber caramel, about 2 minutes. Immediately pour caramel into milk mixture, and bring to a boil over medium-high heat; attach a candy thermometer to side of pan, and cook, stirring bottom constantly with a wooden spoon, until thermometer reads 232°, about 40 minutes. Remove from heat and immediately stir in vanilla and baking soda; let sit for 1 minute. With a hand mixer, beat caramel mixture on medium-low speed until the consistency of loose pudding, about 1 minute. Immediately place one cake on a cake stand and pour over 1/2 cup caramel icing; top with second cake and pour over 1/2 cup icing. Top with third cake and pour remaining icing around the top edge of cake and then over the center. Quickly spread icing over sides of cake. Chill cake before serving.
    
    Red Velvet Cake
    
    Ingredients
    
    THE CAKE:
    16 tbsp. softened unsalted butter
    2 3/4 cups cake flour, sifted
    2 tbsp. Dutch-processed cocoa powder, sifted
    1 tbsp. baking powder
    1 tsp. salt
    1 cup buttermilk
    2 tbsp. red food coloring
    1 tbsp. distilled white vinegar
    1 tsp. vanilla extract
    1 1/2 cups sugar
    2 eggs
    
    2 cake pans
    
    1 bowl
    
    1 sauce pan
    
    1 mixer
    
    THE FROSTING:
    1 1/2 cups sugar
    1/3 cup flour
    1 1/2 cups milk
    1 1/2 cups unsalted butter, softened
    2 tsp. vanilla extract
    
    Instructions
    
    1. Heat oven to 400°. Butter and flour two 8" cake pans, and put them aside. Mix the flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt in a bowl, and put it aside. Mix the buttermilk, food coloring, vinegar, and vanilla in a bowl and put it. With a stand mixer, cream butter and sugar on medium-high speed until it looks fluffy. Then add eggs one at a time beating them as you go along. Now mix the contents of the bowl. Divide batter between the two pans, and smooth top. Tap the pans lightly on a counter get rid of air bubbles. Bake cakes until a toothpick inserted in middle comes out clean, about 30 minutes. Let cakes cool for 20 minutes in pans; invert onto wire racks, and let cool.
    
    2. Make the frosting and finish the cake: Mix the sugar and flour in a 4-qt. saucepan; add milk and whisk until smooth. Stirring often, boil over medium heat; stirring constantly, until very thick. Then let the pudding cool. In stand mixer, beat butter and 1/4 of the pudding on medium-high speed until fluffy and smooth. Add ½ of the remaining pudding, beating until smooth, and then add remaining pudding and vanilla. Increase speed to high and beat frosting until white and fluffy, about 3 minutes. To finish, place one cake on a cake stand, and spread with 1 1/2 cups frosting. Place second cake over frosting; cover top and sides with remaining frosting.
    
    Strawberry Cake
    
    INGREDIENTS:
    
    THE CAKE
    
    17 tbsp. softened unsalted butter
    3 cups flour, plus more for pans
    ½ tsp. salt
    1 cup milk
    ½ cup strawberry jam
    2 cups sugar
    1 cup canola oil
    1 tsp. vanilla extract
    3 eggs
    8 oz. cream cheese, softened
    1 1-lb. box confectioners' sugar, sifted
    1 tsp. strawberry extract
    
    2 bowls
    
    2 cake pans
    
    INSTRUCTIONS:
    
    1. Put oven to 350°. Grease and flour two 9" round cake pans and set aside. Mix flour, baking powder, and salt in a medium bowl; set aside. Mix the milk and in a small bowl. Beat together sugar, oil, vanilla, and eggs in a mixer on medium-high speed until pale and smooth, 2–3 minutes in another bowl. In 3 additions, alternately add dry and wet ingredients to sugar mixture, beginning and ending with dry; mix until combined. Divide batter between prepared pans and smooth tops; bake until a toothpick inserted in the middle of cakes comes out clean, about 40 minutes.
- Top 10 You-Had-One-Job Pictures
  - If the name doesn't set you straight, these memes are funny photographs of people who made the simplest of mistakes. These people only had one job to do, yet still manage to mess things up beyond belief. If this doesn't make you feel better about yourself, nothing will. Hopefully, these people won't be accepting any free nose jobs anytime soon!
    
    10. Funny Tile Fail
    
    9. Funny Canned Food
    
    8. Funny Grocery Store Mistake
    
    7. Funny Cookies
    
    6. Funny Fruit
    
    5. Funny Phone
    
    4. Funny Soda
    
    3. Funny Watermelon Corn
    
    2. Funny Fire Lane
    
    1. Funny Don't-Walk Sign
- Top 7 Funniest Tweets on Twitter
  - If you're anything like us, you've seen some pretty funny twitter users. Or maybe even bought some of our hilarious twitter greeting cards for your friends or family members. That's why we decided to put together a list of the funniest tweets we could find on twitter. We hope you enjoy this list as much as we do.
- Top 5 Animal Gifs
  - If you're wondering what a "gif" is, it's a moving image of a few frames played on a loop. We looked for the funniest dogs and craziest cats, and this is what we found. Enjoy!
    
    5. Cat Fail
    
    4. Cat & Cup Fail
    
    3. Sinister Crow
    
    2. Close Enough Dog
    
    1. Well-Trained Dog Meals
- Top 7 Funniest Cake Pictures
  - Have you ever seen a strange chocolate cake, funny birthday cake or a cake mistake that was too funny not to share? So have we. Here are our funniest cake pictures. Some are cool cakes, some are cake disasters and some are just plain funny. When celebrating with a cake, don't forget a funny greeting card to go with it. Funny cards and funny cake cards complement each other! Also, as a friendly tip, beware of cake farts. No one wants to lose an eyebrow while celebrating your birthday!
- Top 7 Halloween Costumes To Fit Your Budget
  - Halloween doesn't have to mean spending a lot on expensive costumes. With just a simple trip to the store, or if you have supplies around, you can make your own costumes! Now, you'll have more money to spend on hilarious Halloween cards for friends and family members and delicious Halloween candy favorites.
- Top 5 Things Boys Do We Love (Smashup)
  - There is a tumblr of inspirational love pictures aptly called Thingswedoboyslove. It gives girls hope that Mr. Right is out there waiting. This is not that tumblr. One day, someone created a meme from one of the images by posting an unflattering picture following what was an inspirational picture for maximum hilarity. It quickly went viral online. Here are our five favorites:
    
    5. When Boys Have Blue Eyes and Dark Hair
    
    4. When Boys Help You Choose Your Clothes
    
    3. When Boys are Older
    
    2. When Boys Can Cook
    
    1. When Boys are Finally Yours
- Top 8 Funniest Roller Coaster Pictures
- Top 5 Air Bending Pictures
  - Some say this trend started in China, but it's really hard to pinpoint exactly. But, does it matter? It's pretty awesome. A bunch of friends get together and take a picture that looks like they've blasted away their friends with a blast of super-human strength.
- Top 10 Pranks
- Top 7 Most Interesting/Worst Prom Dresses
- Top 9 Cat Hybrids
- Top 10 Worst Christmas Cards Ever
  - It wasn't easy finding the absolute worst Christmas cards on the internet, but here they are. Funny Christmas cards so incredibly bad that you'll shake your head and possibly spit out your coffee. Don't say we didn't warn you. Now on to the top 10 baddest, funniest Christmas greeting cards out there:
- Top 6 Card Inside Greetings
- Top 7 Coolest Gifts For Father's Day
- Top 10 Bad Luck Pictures
  - If you're having a bad day, just remember that somewhere out there someone else is having a worse day. For proof of that we give you our Top 10 pictures of people having bad days on account of bad luck.
- Top 10 Hilarious Tennis Faces
- Top 10 Jokes From The Edinburgh Fringe
  - Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
    
    Tim Vine - "Last night I and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
    
    Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
    
    Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
    
    Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...I don't know Y."
    
    Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
    
    George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
    
    Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
    
    Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
    
    Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism...she wouldn't fancy her chances."
- Top 10 Facebook Comebacks
  - If you're like most people, you probably have Facebook, or at least know what Facebook is. Well, here is a collection of the most hilarious Facebook book comebacks that we could find. These are just for laughs. We can't guarantee people on your Facebook will find this as funny if you try comebacks on them. Use with caution!
- Top 5 Hipstersaurs
  - Hipstersaurs were cool before asteroids hit the earth. Humans, and other cunning primates, hadn't even made a much of a scene at that time. Hipstersaurs differed from other funny dinosaurs because they didn't think they were funny. They weren't mainstream. They listened to things you never heard of. They didn't get greeting cards online. The internet didn't even exist. That's how cool they were.
- The Fall of Ronald McDonald Through 15 Pictures
- Eight Quotes to Help You Succeed
  - 1. "Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success." – Dale Carnegie
    2. "There are only two ways to live life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is." – Albert Einstein
    3. "Do not look for approval except for the consciousness of doing your best." – Andrew Carnegie
    4. "The true measure of a person is how they treat someone who can do him absolutely no good." – Samuel Johnson
    5. "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going because you might not get there." – Yogi Berra
    6. "Expect more than others think possible." – Howard Schultz
    7. "If people aren't calling you crazy, you aren't thinking big enough." – Richard Branson
    8. "Never, never, never give up." – Winston Churchill
Greetings, Wishes & Sayings For Cards
- Nice Greeting Card Oneliners
  - Boy, those people older than us and younger than us sure are dumb, right? Happy Birthday!
    I'm a leader not a follower!...unless it's dark, then you go first. Happy Birthday!
    Don't break a girl's heart, because she'll probably write a bestselling album about you. Happy B-Day!
    Good things come to people who wait. So...procrastinating isn't bad? Happy Birthday!
    Good friends don�t let you do dumb things�Best friends don't let you do dumb things alone. Thanks for being a friend.
- Funny Greeting Card Oneliners
  - Never question your sanity...it might answer!
    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the team I work in.
    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. And stop picking on me, I'm clearly an idiot!
    I got bad news and the new Justin Bieber CD. Which one would you like to hear first? Happy Birthday!
    I know money can't buy everything, but I would rather cry in my Ferrari. Money bought you this awesome card!
    Don't play dumb with me. That's a game you can't win. Happy birthday!
    Well what day WILL you have time for my shenanigans? On your birthday, I hope!
    I'm not shy. I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you on your birthday. Have a good one!
- Funny But Mean Birthday Oneliners
  - I fell in love at first sight. Sometimes, I wish I had taken a second look. Happy Anniversary!
    Some days you just have to remind yourself... Prison orange is not your color! Happy birthday!
    Used to think never forgetting a face was a good thing until I saw yours! Happy Birthday.
    I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
    Turns out misery doesn't love company. Happy birthday!
    "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying adding money to cards. Happy birthday!
- Hilarious and Funny Christmas Oneliners
  - What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month? The letter "D."
    What did Adam told his girlfriend on December 24th? It's Christmas! Eve.
    What did the guest sing at Eskimo's Christmas party? Freeze a jolly good fellow.
    What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can't hear you!
    What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have? Baby reindeer.
    What do you call a chicken at the North Pole? Lost.
    What kind of pine has the sharpest needles? A porcupine.
    Whose Christmas parties are full of screams? Dracula's.
- Funny Valentine's Day Oneliners and Quotes
  - What do you get if you cross a dog with a valentine card? A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"
    What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"
    What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!
    What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you!"
    Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love.
    What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts.
    What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny.
    What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend? "Be my valenstein!"
    Why did the Valentine Ape put clothes on the valentines he sent? Because they said his words needed to be "dressed up."
    What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses.
- Funny Halloween Oneliners and Quotes
  - What are the days of the Vampire week? Moonday, Toothday, Veinsday, Thirstday and Frightday.
    
    What's a vampire's favorite fast food? A guy with very high blood pressure
    
    What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation? A blood vessel
    
    Why are vampires stupid? Because they are all suckers.
    
    Why are vampire jokes bad? Because they are a pain in the neck.
    
    What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
    
    What type of pet dog do vampire's like the best? Bloodhounds.
    
    What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? Stake sandwiches.
    
    Where does a vampire have lunch? The casketaria
    
    What surgery does a vampire doctor perform? Fly by night operations
    
    Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death? He couldn't find any doolb.
    
    Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter? He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because steaks were too expensive.
- Jokes To Write In Cards For Mom
  - Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their kids have to play inside.
    
    What did the mother rope say to the pope? Don't be knotty.
    
    Sam: Bob's mom had four children. Three of them were named North, East and South. What was her other child's name?
    
    Joe: West?
    
    Sam: No, Larry.
    
    What did the digital clock say to her mother? Look, ma! No hands!
    
    How come the mother needle got mad at the baby needle? It was past his thread time.
    
    Why are computers so smart? They ask their motherboard.
- Love Quotes for Cards
  - Do not think about the past and past due. Accept the present. Think for the future & face tomorrow with a sweet and beautiful smile.
    
    If someone really loves you, they wouldn't let you slip away no matter how hard the situation is.
    
    Sometimes no matter how much you try to speak your heart out, words aren't just enough to describe how you truly feel.
    
    Never forget who was there for you when no one else was.
    
    It's not the person you missed, but the feelings and moments you had when you two are together.
    
    The best things in life are the people you love, the places you have seen and the memories you have made along the way.
    
    Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.
    
    I wish memories were like text messages. Deleting the ones you hate and keeping the ones you like.
    
    I don't want to be your whole world. Just your favorite part.
    
    You can teach math science history philosophy but you can't teach common sense.
    
    If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse.
    
    When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.
    
    We always ignore the ones who adore us, and adore those who ignore us.
    
    I sit here and wonder if you'll ever understand just how much of me belongs to you.
- Sympathy Quotes for Cards
  - NobleWorks currently doesn't carry funny sympathy cards since those are quite the Debby Downers and NobleWorks is all about fun and laughter and not cards to send when people die. But in life, loved ones do die and offering condolence is helpful. "Condolence" is a way of saying people are grieving and sharing the pain of a beloved person's passing. Here are some short and (not funny) condolences to add to a sympathy card.
    
    Short Condolences
    
    Words can never express the sorrow over how sorry we feel about ---
    
    May our love and words of condolence help you through the days ahead of you.
    
    Accept our deeply heartfelt condolences in this time of sadness.
    
    We are deeply sad over the passing of ---
    
    --- brought so much to this life that we will never forget (him/her).
    
    Our prayers are with you in this time of sorrow.
    
    Personal Condolences
    
    Hold on to the precious memories and lean on your family for strength. Never forget how much you are cared about.
    
    Even though no words can bring a person back, do know that you are in our thoughts.
    
    May the peace that comes from the memories of love shared comfort you now and in the days ahead.
    
    Please accept our most heartfelt sympathies for your loss. We share your grief in this time of bereavement with deepest sympathy and condolence.
    
    We are honoring the memory of --- today and every day. It was a great loss.
- Paraprosdokian Quotes for Cards
  - Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the second half of the sentence is surprising or unexpected.
    1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
    3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
    5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
    6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a funny fruit salad.
    8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
    9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
    10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify: 'I put 'DOCTOR'.
    11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
    12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
    14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
    15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    16. You're never too old to learn something from a stupid squirrel.
    17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
- Inspirational Quotes for Cards
  - Sometimes cards need that personal touch, like a quick little love quote, or something inspiring. We've searched the Internet for the best quotes for cards, and compiled a list of the 40 best ones we could find! Add these beautiful love quotes in pen for that extra touch!
    1. Being positive does not mean ignoring the negative. Being positive means overcoming the negative.
    2. Desire is individual. Happiness is common. I only have eyes for you!
    3. Distance sometimes lets you know who's worth keeping and who's worth letting go.
    4. Don't be afraid to start over. It's a new chance to rebuild what you want.
    5. Don't get my personality and my attitude twisted, because my personality is me, and my attitude depends on you.
    6. Don't get my personality and my attitude twisted, because my personality is me, and my attitude depends on you. I fucking love you!
    7. Don't judge me until you know me. Don't underestimate me until you challenge me. And don't talk about me until you talk to me!
    8. Elegance is the only beauty that never fades.
    9. Finding funny Valentine's Day cards is not about how much you say, 'I Love You' but how much you can prove that its true.
    10. Funny loving is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction. I only have eyes for you!
    11. Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.
    12. Happiness does not consist in self-love.
    13. Happiness is not the amount of money you have. It is the people in your life that help you to create wonderful memories.
    14. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach.
    15. I am deeply grateful for the concern of all those who constantly prayed for my happiness.
    16. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I hurt people, but when I say sorry, I really mean it.
    17. I really, really love you.
    18. If I was a teacher I would try to figure out who has a crush on who and make sure they were always paired up.
    19. If there ever comes a day, when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.
    20. Keep smiling because life is a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.
    21. Life is like a staircase. You have to go up each stair to reach the top.
    22. Life is where you love people and use things not use people and love things.
    23. Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.
    24. Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination.
    25. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
    26. Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.
    27. Love is the name of living at the cost of your happiness.
    28. Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.
    29. Never take someone's feeling for granted because you never know how much courage that they took to show it to you.
    30. Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life.
    31. Running away from your problem is a race you will never win.
    32. Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.
    33. The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve.
    34. The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
    35. To me, beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.
    36. Today I caught myself smiling for no reason...then I realized I was thinking about you.
    37. True happiness...is not attained through funny e cards, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.
    38. True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.
    39. True love is rare, and it's the only thing that gives life real meaning.
    40. You don't need someone to complete you. You only need someone to accept you completely.

Dirty Jokes & Adult Humor

School Jokes
- School Jokes | Lifesavers
  Once there was a teacher who wanted to see how her students associated flavors with color for a class project. She had all the children Life Savers and asked them what each color tasted like.
  
  Orange was orange,yellow was lemon, green was lime and red was cherry. Then she gave the class honey Life Savers. None of the children could guess the taste.
  
  She decided to give them a hint, "It is what your mother may call your father."
  
  A little girl gasped, spit her candy out and screamed, "Everyone stop! They're assholes!"
  
  The teacher had to walk out of the classroom to keep from laughing.
  
  Science and Math Jokes
  
  Funny Atom Jokes
  
  Don't ever believe anything an atom says. They make everything up.
  
  A Physicist, Engineer and Statistician Go Hunting
  
  A physicist, engineer and a statistician go hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 30 feet away.
  
  The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands short.
  
  The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance to his hunt, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands past the deer.
  
  The statistician yells, "We shot him!"
  
  The Chemistry Student and the Genie
  
  A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his University of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was "How many valence electrons does a hydrogen atom have?" In his haste to complete the test, he had answered "two."
  
  Depressed, he takes a walk alone along a beach, and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a brass oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface a genie suddenly appears! The genie says, "I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire?" The student immediately replies, "I wish I had gotten that question right," and the universe explodes.
  
  The Engineers and the Balloon
  
  Two engineers win a balloon ride. They decide to take a nice flight over London. After a while, they get lost. They float around for a while, when they suddenly see a man standing in a field.
  
  "Hey you!" they yell. "Where are we?"
  
  The man stands there for a while, pondering. Then he says, "You're in a hot air balloon." He then turns around and walks away.
  
  "Well, that man was a mathematician," says one engineer. "Why?" asks the other. "First, he took a while to figure out the answer. Second, the answer was completely logical and true. Third, the answer was totally and utterly useless."
Old Age Jokes
- Old Age | Here's a Better Idea
  We should have all the elderly in jail instead of nursing homes and all the criminals in nursing homes. Why? This would give the elderly access to daily showers, recreational activities and free cable TV. Prescription drugs, dental treatment, medicine and wheelchairs would all be at their disposal.
  
  They would receive prison money instead of having to pay for their stay. With all the cameras monitoring them, they would be helped as soon as they needed it. Guards would check on them every 20 minutes.
  
  Bedding would be washed every week and all their clothes are washed, ironed and returned to them. They could go to the library and see funny library cards or church whenever they wanted.
  
  They would get daily phone calls from family and friends. ACLU would protect them and defend their rights.
  
  Now, let's talk about the criminals. They would get cold food, would only get to shower once a week. They would live in tiny rooms that cost them $2,000 a month that they would have no hope of ever getting out of. What's better than that, other than a gay prison card?
  
  Retirement Jokes
  
  People ask me what retired people do for fun. The other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
  
  I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen an effin'break?"
  He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a jerk. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a stupid pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 10 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
  
  Personally, I didn't care. My bus arrived and I went home.
  
  New Medicare Program
  
  Say you're an ill senior citizen and the government tells you there is no nursing home available for you. What are you going to do?
  
  Our idea is to give anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot a few bad politicians.
  
  However, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning, plus all the health care you need!
  
  Need new crowns? No problem. Far sighted? That's covered. Need a new hip or knees? They're all covered.
  
  Your kids and grandchildren can come and visit you as often as they do now.
  
  You're probably wondering who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
  
  And you can get rid of a few useless politicians while you are at it. You're bound to feel better soon.
  
  Since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore and you'll never get selected for jury duty. Is this a great country or what? You'll probably even get health food!
  
  Ice Cream with Strawberries
  There was once an old couple that couldn't remember much. They went to the doctor to see if anything was wrong with them, but the doctor said there was nothing out of the ordinary. He suggested that they write stuff down.Later that night they were watching TV and the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
  
  He said, "To the kitchen."
  
  She asked him, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
  
  He smiled and said, "Sure."
  
  "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked.
  
  "No, I can remember that," he said.
  
  She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."
  
  "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries," he quipped back.
  
  "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top of strawberries. I know you'll forget that so you'd better write it down!" she said.
  
  With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen.
  
  Fifteen minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
  
  She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."
  
  Traffic Stop
  
  A little old lady was pulled over for speeding. Her motto in life was "You're only as old as you feel." The officer on duty asked to see her old lady license and registration.
  
  "I don't have one. It was taken away from me three years ago for drunk driving," the old lady said.
  
  "And who is your car registered to?" the officer asked.
  
  "Oh, I'm not sure. It's stolen, you see," the old lady said.
  
  "Who stole it?" the officer asked.
  
  "I did, silly. I hacked up the owner and put all his bits in the trunk in plastic bags. You can have a look at it yourself. I haven't had time to bury them yet," she said.
  
  "Step out of the vehicle, please!" the officer screamed.
  
  She stepped out of the car and called for backup. Three more cop cars arrived.
  
  "What's the problem officer?" she asked.
  
  "Please open your trunk," the second officer said.
  
  She opened the trunk, which was empty.
  
  "Is this your car, ma'am?" the officer asked.
  
  "Yes, here are the registration papers," she said handing him the papers.
  
  The cop was taken aback.
  
  "Do you have a driver's license?" the second officer asked.
  
  "Of course," she said.
  
  The cop looked at her license.
  
  "I am puzzled why the other officer said you didn't have a license, stole a car, murdered someone and chopped up the body," said the second officer.
  
  "Bet the lying fink said I was speeding too," she said.
  
  Funny Heart Attack Joke
  
  The Best Old Age Jokes
  
  What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
  
  Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible...Is that true? Yes. Matthew 14:92: Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.
  
  Is it common for 65-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
  
  Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them? Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
  
  1960 Hits Renamed For 2014
  
  Ringo Starr ---
  I Get By With A Little Help from Depends
  
  The Bee Gees ---
  How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
  
  Roberta Flack---
  The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
  
  Johnny Nash---
  I Can't See Clearly Now
  
  Paul Simon---
  Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
  
  The Commodores ---
  Once, Twice, Three Times...To The Bathroom
  
  Leo Sayer ---
  You Make Me Feel Like Napping
  
  Abba---
  Denture Queen
  
  Leslie Gore---
  It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
  
  Willie Nelson ---
  On the Commode Again
Religious Jokes
- Religious Jokes | The Proper Way to Call Someone a Bastard:
  A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
  
  The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
  
  They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
  
  The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
  
  The second guy won the remaining 16 holes with ease.
  
  As they were walking off number 18, the second guy was busy counting his $80.
  
  He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
  
  The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
  
  The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
  
  The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
  
  The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
  
  The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation ... and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
  
  Religious Jokes | Jewish Mother Jokes
  MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
  
  CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
  
  MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"
  
  NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
  
  ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
  
  GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
  
  THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
  
  PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"
  
  ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
  
  MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"
  
  BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
  
  BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
  
  "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.
  
  Religious Jokes | A Jewish Man's Wish
  A childless, poor, single Jewish man who lives with his deaf mother, prays to God to improve his life.
  
  God is very pleased with him but tells him he will only grant him one prayer.
  
  The Jewish man says, "Okay. My one and only wish is for my mother to hear my daughter play the violin at Carnegie Hall before heading to her NYU graduation party in our five million dollar condo that my beautiful wife has planned."
  
  God said, "I still have a lot to remember about keeping promises to the Jews."
  
  Religious Jokes | Jewish Oneliners
  
  I just came back from a pleasure trip. I dropped my Jewish mother-in-law off at the airport.
  
  Oy vey. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be in love with the same man for 30 years. But it would be very unlucky if my husband found out.
  
  We always hold hands. If he lets go, I shop.
  
  My husband and I spent the night in the same room we had our honeymoon at, but I spent most of the time in the bathroom crying.
  
  We got a waterbed. I call it the Dead Sea.
  
  My friend was at the beauty shop for an hour. That was only for the estimate.
  
  The doctor gave my boyfriend 3 months to live. Because of his bad credit, he couldn't get a loan to pay the hospital bill so the doctor gave him an extra six months.
  
  A Jewish doctor told a sick man he'd live to be 80. The man said he was 80. "See? What did I tell you?" the doctor said.
  
  A funny drunk woman was brought to court and the judge told her, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk lady said, "All right, let's get started!"
  
  Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They think they're worth it.
  
  Behavioral scientists found out why Jewish and Catholic women like Chinese food so much. The study showed that "won ton" backwards spelled, "not now."
  
  Why don't Jewish mothers like to drink? It messes up with their suffering.
  
  A Jewish boy was happy to get a part in a play. He told his mother he got the role of the Jewish husband. "No," the mother said. "Go back and demand a speaking part!"
  
  Why are Jewish males all circumcised? Because Jewish women don't accept anything that isn't at least 15 percent off.
  
  Christmas Traditions
  A teacher asked little Johnny what he did at Christmas time.
  
  "Well, Ms. Brown, I and my 12 brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put up mince pies by the back entrance and hang stockings. Then we go to bed full of Christmas excitement as we wait for Father Christmas.
  
  "How nice, Johnny," she said. "Now, Taylor, what do you do at Christmas?"
  
  "Ms. Brown, I and my sisters also go to church with Mom and Dad tosing church hymns getting home late and hanging up stockings," said little Taylor.
  
  Not wanting to leave the little Jewish boy out, Ms. Brown asked what he did for Christmas.
  
  "It's about the same every year. Dad comes home from the office, and we pile into the Bentley and drive to Dad's funny toy factory to look at the empty shelves. We sing, 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus,' and then go the Bahamas," said the little Jewish boy.
  
  Accident
  Catholic priest and a Rabbi had a terrible head-on car accident. Their vehicles got completely wrecked, yet somehow both of them made out of it without a single scratch.
  
  "Praise God we are alive!" said the priest.
  
  "You are right," replied rabbi. "Despite differences in our faith, I think God was protecting us and wanted us alive. You know what, let's have a drink in honor of reconcilement of our religions!"
  
  The rabbi announced, took out his flask and passed it to the priest, who with just a little hesitation drunk few gulps from it. The priest gave rabbi his flask back, and to his surprise, rabbi hid it back in his coat.
  
  "Aren't you drinking with me?" asked the priest.
  
  "Nah, I will wait for the police to show up first."
  
  Confession
  Tim goes to confession, "Forgive me father for I have sinned with a woman."
  
  The priest asks,"Did you have relations with Mary Flannery?"
  
  "No, father I did not."
  
  "Did you have relations with Annie O'Malley?"
  
  "No, father I did not."
  
  "Did you have relations with Betty O'Rourke?"
  
  "No, father I did not."
  
  "Well then, son, for your penance say five Hail Marys and one Our Father."
  
  Tim goes and sits in the pew next to his friend Tom. "Well Tim, what did you get?" "I got five Hail Marys, one Our Father, and three good leads."
  
  New Mosque
  A few people were against a mosque being built in a Canadian town. One man threw in his own opinion:
  
  I am saddened that several members of my community are against a mosque being built in our beautiful town. Our goal should be to welcome other people and show tolerance for different religions and cultures. Therefore, the mosque should be allowed and people need to be tolerant.
  
  We also should be tolerant of night clubs. I propose that at least two strip clubs be built near the mosque so promote tolerance from within the mosque itself.
  
  One of the clubs, the gay one with funny strippers, could be called 'U Mecca Me Happy.'
  
  This neighborhood also needs a lingerie store called 'Victoria Has No Secrets,' with sexy mannequins in the windows.
  
  A new Irish bar ought to be opened in the neighborhood too. We could call it 'Morehammered.'
  
  All these things would help Muslims promote the same tolerance they ask of us so their mosque plans will not be an issue for others.
  
  The Rabbi Is Leaving
  At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger temple that would pay him more. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular, and everyone was suddenly quiet.
  
  James Frank, who owns several car dealerships in Manhattan, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda to drive their children!" The congregation applauds.
  
  Jenna Cohen, a lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally see his children get their college tuition for law school paid for!"
  
  The room applauds.
  
  Elle Rubin, age 78, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
  
  Complete silence sweeps the room.
  
  The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
  
  Elle's equally old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide his face as she speaks.
  
  "I asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him.'"
  
  Jesus & Finkstein
  
  Jesus & Finkstein
  
  Jesus was walking around Jerusalem one sunny afternoon when he decided that he should get a new robe.
  
  He looked around for while and then saw a sign for Finkstein the Tailor, Jesus walked in and requested a new robe.
  
  A few days later, Jesus tried it on and it fit perfectly. He asked how much he owed for it. Finkstein would not accept his money and said, "For the Son of God, there is no charge. However, I asked that you mention your nice new robe was made by Finkstein the Tailor."
  
  Jesus smiled and as mentioned the tailor whenever he got the chance.
  
  Months later, Jesus was walking through the town and noticed a huge line of people waiting for Finkstein's clothes.
  
  He moved through the crowd and Finkstein told him how great business was and asked if he would like a partnership.
  
  "Certainly," said Jesus. "Jesus and Finkstein it is!"
  
  "No, no. Finkstein and Jesus...I am the craftsman, after all."
  
  The two argued for a bit.
  
  They finally settled on an acceptable compromise.
  
  A new sign went over Finkstein's shop:
  
  No Jews
  
  A crew of U.S. Navy men were on leave in Mississippi for a week when they received an invitation from the spouse of an influential Politian whose wealth traced back to cotton and plantation crops. She wrote the captain a short note:
  
  Dear Captain,
  
  On Friday, my daughter Ella will have her Debutante Ball. It would please me for you to send four of your most professional, handsome and unmarried officers in their formal attire to escort her there. We will pay for all their food and expenses for the night. They should arrive at 8 p.m. to the return address on this letter and be prepared for a night of Southern conversation. One last note, no Jews, please.
  
  The captain replied,
  
  Ma'am,
  
  Thank you for the invitation. In order to accommodate you I will be sending four of my best and smartest officers. One is a lieutenant and a graduate of University of California, Berkeley, with a master's in engineering, another has a bachelor's degree in aeronautical engineering, the third one has a master's degree in chemical engineering from the Texas Tech, and the final officer is a doctor with a PhD from Columbia University. Not only are all these men smart and handsome, they are also complete gentlemen.
  
  Ella's mother was excited and when she opened the door at 8 p.m., her happy demeanor turned to disappointment when she opened the door to the four handsome, well-dressed men.
  
  "There must be a mistake," she said to the four smiling, black officers.
  
  "No, ma'am," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes a mistake. Where is Ella?"
  
  THE GOLDEN PHONE
  
  While in Rome, I noticed a large marble column in St. Peter's with a golden phone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the phone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer even after they said they could hold my calls.
  
  Throughout Italy, I kept seeing the same golden phone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven with virgins and I could call for a thousand dollars.
  
  I continued my tour and then traveled Israel. I decided to attend temple services at a local synagogue. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden phone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents."
  
  "Rabbi," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen phones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"
  
  The rabbi smiled and said, "It's a local call."
Alcohol Humor
- Alcohol Humor | About Drinking
  
  The one thing that helped me wake up this morning was knowing I won't remember anything I did last night.
  
  Drinking alcohol will cause the brain and the mouth to function independently.
  Life, if you're going to give lemons, then give me some sugar and vodka because that that lemonade would taste horrible.
  
  "Drink Responsibly" mean don't spill it.
  
  Experts say a 1,500 calorie diet is best. For people who aren't good at math, that's a 12 pack of 125 beers. You're welcome!
Facebook Humor
- Facebook | Funny Facebook Statuses
  
  I caress your round shape and put my face up to your pink flesh. Oh, watermelon, how I love you!
  
  911 Dispatcher: 911, what is your emergency?
  Man: Two girls are fighting over me.
  911 Dispatcher: What's the emergency, though?
  Man: The ugly one is winning.
  
  What is the difference between you and a rooster? The roster goes, "Cock-a-doodle-do." You say, "Any cock will do."
  
  If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.
  
  I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's had more people inside her than the statue of liberty.
  
  Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send me $25 and a self addressed envelope.
  
  I want to take a yoga class, but I can't trust my farts.
  
  Facebook | Christmas Facebook Statuses
  
  Gifts Cards: The polite way to tell people to buy their own damn gift.
  
  For all you people who don't like my funny Facebook comments, I got you a present. See the mistletoe above my ass?
  
  Dear Santa: If you promise to give me what I want, I promise to give you the antidote for cookies you ate.
  
  Dear Santa: A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl, right?
  
  Can I have your picture, So Santa Claus knows exactly what to give me on this CHRISTMAS.
  
  The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.
  
  Facebook | Halloween Facebook Statuses
  
  It's Halloween again! Once again I will buy candy, turn off the lights and hope the Trick-or-Treaters think I'm not home.
  Zombies are looking for someone with brains. So, I finally found a man!
  What's with all the looks? I'm just in line with 4 bags of candy, rat poison and some razers.
  You know you're old when someone is wearing your clothes as a custom.
  This is my custom! I'm a nudist.
  I will be a ghost this year for all the boos at the bar.
  I bet you wanna see my pumpkins!
  
  Best Facebook Statuses
  
  Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
  
  I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them.
  
  A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers!
  
  I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America and find out it was made in China!
  
  They say shitting is a call of nature! Does that mean farting is a text?
  
  I really hate when someone makes plans with me, then cancels them last minute. Bitch, I even showered for you!
  
  Sunday Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
  
  On being fat: it lowers your chances of being kidnapped.
  
  I hate when women say their body's "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter!
  
  I have been fired by Pepsi. I tested positive for Coke.
  
  A Password Computer Story
  
  Your password has expired- you must get a new one.
  Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?
  You must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
  Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
  No, you must get a new one.
  I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
  Sorry, you must get a new one.
  OK, roses.
  Sorry you must use more letters.
  OK, pretty roses
  No good, you must use at least one numerical character.
  OK, 1 pretty rose
  Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.
  OK, 1prettyrose
  Sorry, you must use additional characters.
  OK, 1fuckingprettyrose
  Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.
  Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
  Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.
  OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow
  Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used
Sex Jokes
- Sex Jokes | At the Pickle Factory
  
  Once there was a man who was employed at a pickle company. He worked close to the pickle slicer, and after years of working the same position looking at dirty cucumbers all day, he started to become obsessed with the pickle slicer. He could think of nothing else but that.
  
  One day, when everyone else was off to lunch, he jumped on the pickle slicer. He kissed the pickle slicer passionately and put his little penis inside it. Unfortunately, his boss happened to be in the factory and walked by him as he was doing it.
  
  He came home and told his wife that he was fired from work at the pickle company that he worked at for so long because he put his penis in the slicer.
  
  The wife pulled down his pants after he told her, but didn't notice anything different.
  
  "Well, it's a good thing you weren't hurt," she said. "But what happened to the pickle slicer?"
  
  "Oh, the boss fired her from work too," the man said.
  
  Sex Jokes | The Old Man, and the Young Wife
  
  There was an older man who married a much younger woman. They claimed to love each other very much, but their sex life was horrible. The woman never even had an orgasm, so they went to a sex counselor for advice.
  
  The counselor said to hire a strapping young man, and have him massage her foot while the two of them made love. Despite his massaging, nothing happens.
  
  They go back to the counselor who tells them to revise the scenario, with the old man massaging and the young man having sex with her.
  
  The young man went to it with vigor. They were like two animals tearing into each other as they made passionate love. The wife screamed in ecstasy.
  
  When it was over, the old man told him, "Now that's how you do a foot massage!"
  
  Sex Jokes | Grocery Shopping
  
  So there's this guy grocery shopping at one of those Targets that have a produce section, but that's not important. What is important is that a beautiful lady walked up to him.
  
  "Sir," she said. "This will sound odd, but I think you're the father of one of my kids."
  
  "WHAT? Are you sure?" the man screamed, dropping his apples.
  
  "Yes, I remember you, " she started, but before she could finish he suddenly had a flash back.
  
  Yes, those big breasts, tender lips, she was just like the sexy stripper from Justin's bachelor party, which was so boring that everyone left without Justin.
  
  "You're the dancer I took home from the bachelor party! We had sex for hours while your roommate video taped us and then I made her delete because I didn't want my wife to find out. Wow, it's not surprising you got pregnant," the man said.
  
  "No, I meant I think you're the father Keston who's my English student," she said.
  
  Sex Jokes | Coma
  
  A woman had been in a coma for four years. A nurse was giving her a sponge bath when her vital signs spiked. She touched the woman's lady bits, and the vital signs spiked again.
  
  The next time the husband of the patient visited, the nurse told him that maybe good oral sex might wake her from the coma. The husband didn't know what to think, but they said it would be all right, and closed the curtains for privacy.
  
  They hear the woman's heart beat flatline and see the husband zipping his pants.
  
  "I believe she chocked," he said.
  
  Sex Jokes | Sex Change
  
  Once there was a man named Jason who was confused with another Jason with the same last name. This Jason was supposed to be having a vasectomy, but when he came out of surgery, his big cock was gone.
  
  He found out he had been mixed up with Jason who was having a sex change.
  
  "I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" the man cried.
  
  "Yes, you can," said the doctor. "It will just have to come from someone else."
  
  Sex on the Fence
  The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
  
  Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
  
  OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
  
  "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
  
  A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
  
  The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the funny cop has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
  
  The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
  
  After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
  
  So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
  
  Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
  
  "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
  
  Rubber Glove Joke
  The next time you strap on a pair of gloves, remember this story:
  A dentist saw his older patient was nervous so he told her a joke as he put on his gloves.
  
  "Do you know how these are made?" he asked her.
  
  "That I don't," she said.
  
  "People with all sized hands have their hands covered in latex. Then they are peeled off and put into matching bins," he lied.
  
  She sat there for a moment and burst out laughing.
  
  "What's so funny?" he asked.
  
  "I was imagining how condoms are made," she said.
  
  Lesson: You have to watch out for those older ladies and their condom sense.
  
  The Lost Cock
  
  There was once a priest in a small town who kept a big rooster and the ten hens behind the church.
  
  One Sunday morning right before mass, he went to feed the birds and saw that the cock was missing.
  
  He knew some people in the twon had cock fights and worried for the safety of his bird and needed to question the parishioners of his church.
  
  During mass, he asked the congregation, '"Has anybody got a cock?"
  
  Of course, all the men stood up.
  
  "No, no,'" he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a big cock?"
  
  Some of the women stood up.
  
  "No, no," he sighed, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
  
  Half the women stood up.
  
  "No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
  
  Ten altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
  
  A Kiss to Remember
  
  Jason was a man's man who had hilarious tattoos, strong muscles and he even did martial arts. He rode around in a red, manly, yet funny, motorcycle. One day, he saw a group of people blocking the bridge. He weaved through traffic and that's when he saw her.
  
  A girl was about to jump off the bridge into the icy waters below.
  
  While he didn't like to show his sensitive side, he did know he had to do something.
  
  "Listen," Jason called out to her. "Before you jump, can I get a last kiss?"
  
  "Why?" the girl asked.
  
  "Because you can't leave this world without giving Jason here one of your best kisses," Jason said smugly.
  
  She moved closer to him, he came up to the edge, and received one of the best kisses he had ever had.
  
  "Now, why are you trying to kill yourself?" he asked.
  
  "My family doesn't accept me because try to dress like a girl," he/she said.
  
  Luckily, there were some fishermen who were able to get her out of the water a few minutes later.
  
  A Dirty Japanese Story
  
  A Japanese couple was in the middle of an argument over ways to experience extremely erotic sex.
  
  "Sukitaki," says the husband.
  
  "Kowanini!" screams the wife.
  
  "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!" the husband replies pointing at the bed.
  
  Wife on her knees (literally begging), "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
  
  "Na miaou kina tim kouji!" the husband says happily.
  
  And YOU sitting here, reading this... as if you can understand Japanese!
  
  Unbelievable!
Desert Island Jokes
- Desert Island | Blonde
  
  A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are trapped on a desert island. A genie in a bottle washes up on shore one day. The blonde rubs it, and a genie pops out. The genie tells them that he normally only gives out three wishes to one person, but since there are three of them he will give them each one wish.
  
  "I want to go home," the brunette says. Bam! She's gone.
  
  "I want to go home too," the redhead says. Bam! She's gone.
  
  "I'm so lonely here," the blonde says. "I wish my friends were here."
  
  Desert Island | How Long has it Been?
  
  A man has been stranded on a desert island for 5 years. One day, he sees a small boat and a woman jumps out and secures the boat to a tree. She walks over to him and asks if there is anyone else on the island.
  
  "No, just me," says the man.
  
  The woman takes a box of cigarettes out of her pocket.
  
  "How long has it been since you had a smoke?" she asks.
  
  "Five years," says the man, who takes a cigarette from her.
  
  "How long has it been since you had a drink?" she asks.
  
  "Five years!" the man says. She takes out a flask of alcohol.
  
  "This is amazing!" the man says.
  
  "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" she asks unbuttoning her shirt.
  
  "Oh, man! You have golf clubs in there?" he asks.
  
  Desert Island | You Won't Believe
  
  One day, a young man is the lone survivor of a shipwreck. He swims to a desert island. To his surprise, there is another person on the island: Jessica Alba.
  
  After a few weeks come and go, it seems that there will be no one to rescue them. They become intimate. One day, Jessica sees him walking around looking sad.
  
  She asks him what's wrong.
  
  "Can I ask you a favor? It might sound strange," he asks.
  
  "Sure," Jessica says.
  
  "Can you draw a mustache on your face and wear a hat?" he asks.
  
  "Oh...okay," Jessica says.
  
  Jessica puts on the hat and mustache. The young man is suddenly happy.
  
  "Can I call you Jason?" he asks.
  
  "Go for it," Jessica says.
  
  "Jason, you won't believe who I'm banging!" he says.
  
  Desert Island | Can of Soup
  
  Three people are stranded on a desert island: a biologist, an engineer and an economist. One day, a can of chicken soup washes up on shore.
  
  The biologist suggests hitting it rocks until it opens. The engineer says that they can crack it when it starts to erode. The economist says, "Let's assume that there is a can opener."
Political Jokes
- Five Surgeons
  
  Once there were five surgeons meeting for brunch to talk about who made the best patients to operate on.
  
  The one from New York said, "I love the accountants on my table. Everything is numbered when you get inside."
  
  The one from Chicago chimed in and said, "Nah, electricians are the best. Everything has a color code!"
  
  Shaking his head, the one from Dallas said, "Librarians are the best. Everything is neat and in order."
  
  The one from Los Angeles laughed and said, "Nope. Construction workers are the most fun. Those guys totally understand when there are a few parts left over."
  
  Finally, the fifth surgeon from Washington, D.C., topped them all, "I've got you all beat. Politicians are the easiest. There are no guts, heart, balls, brain or spine. Best of all, the butt and head can be switched and no one would notice."
  
  The Best Joke of All
  
  Hugo Chavez, Bin Laden and Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil, quite pathetic thing, by the way, tells them it is for calls to Earth.
  
  Putin calls Russia for 10 minutes and the Devil tells him that call will be a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
  
  Next, Bin Laden wants to call a friend in Saudi Arabia for 20 minutes. When he is done, the Devil tells him that will be 5 million dollars, so he writes him a check.
  
  Finally, Hugo Chavez calls friends in Mexico who owe him money and talks for 4 hours. When he is done, the Devil tells him the cost is $5.
  
  Bin Laden and Putin are infuriated and ask why he got to call so cheaply. The devil smiles and says,
  
  "Since the country has gone to hell because of the drug dealers, it's a local call."
  
  Billions
  
  Almost a billion seconds ago it was 1981. A billion minutes ago, the year was 112 A.D. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Old Stone Age, or the Lower Paleolithic era.
  
  If you make one dollar every second, you will have a million dollars in twelve days. You will be a billionaire in 32 years. It will take you more than 31,000 years to make a trillion dollars. The politicians can spend that much in a Washington minute.
  
  Butt Joke
  
  While she was "flying" down the road, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a not so funny cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that evil patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
  
  To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
  
  Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
  
  I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
  
  The cop stammered,
  
  "A what? A rectum stretcher? Is it like a butt plug? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
  
  "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
  
  "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ?" he asked.
  
  "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."
  
  Traffic Ticket - $500.00
  Court Costs - $100.00
  Look on the Cop's Face?
  
  PRICELESS !!!

Life Jokes

If Murphy's Law Had Brothers

Jacob's Law

If you lie and say you're late because you lost your wallet then the next day you really will lose your wallet.

Daniel's Law

If you're waiting in line and change lines, that line will become the longer line.

Tanner's Law

If the bubble bath is just right, the phone will ring.

Randy's Law

Your chances of running into someone you know increases when you're with someone you don't want to be seen with.

James' Law

The greatness of the itch is proportional to how hard to reach it is.

Sean's Law

People whose seats are in the middle will arrive latest.

Ken's Law

As soon as you bring your coffee to your desk, you boss will call you to talk about something until your coffee is cold.

Howard's Law

You will remember that you had bills to pay when you are near a mail box, but far from your house.

Jacob's Law

Hot glasses look just like cold ones.

A Dash of Cyanide

One day, a woman calmly walked into a pharmacy and stated, in the most normal way ever, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "What possible reason do you cyanide for?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Oh, no! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! Don't you know what happens when people go to jail? Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,

"Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

Depressed

Several thousand years ago, before HBO and Netflix, Moses told the children of Israel to pick up their shovels, mount your asses and camels to take them to the Promised Land.

When welfare was introduced over 75 years ago, Roosevelt in a text message to the people said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel. This is the Promised Land."

I was do sad thinking about the horrible health care plans out there, the economy, fiscal cliff, the war in Afghanistan, the unrest in the Middle East, lost jobs, lost savings, Social Security, retirement funds and so on that I called a suicide hotline.

I pressed No.1 for English and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They said, "Great! Can you drive stick shift?"

Relationship Jokes

My sex life is like a Porch...I don't have a Porch.

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he'll fix it. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.

I heard a guy complaining about his expensive wedding was. He is going to be real pissed when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost him.

Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.

My mother-in-law is coming. I had to clear my closet so she could have a place to hang upside down and sleep.

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.

I once won an argument with a woman...in this dream I had.

I am writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.

I tried to exercise, but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

I want one of those jobs where people ask, "Do you actually get paid for doing that?"

Just remember, if your girlfriend or wife agrees to have a threesome and asks which of her friends you would pick, never give two names.

It is funny when my girlfriend gives me the "silent treatment." She thinks it is a punishment.

If there was a way to read a woman's mind, I'm not sure I would want to. I hate shoes, shopping gossip and I already know I'm annoying.

There's nothing worse than realizing the vacation you planned was the same week as her period.

Dear women who are awesome, sexy, smart and deeply in love with me... Please start existing.

Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.

Whenever someone says to me, "You look familiar. Where have I seen you before?" I like to respond with "Do you watch porn?"

Redneck Jokes

What do tornadoes and redneck divorces have in common? Someone's fixin' to lose their trailer.
What do rednecks call duct tape? Chrome.
Did you hear about the new 5 million dollar Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets 5 dollars a year for a million years.
Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? Because 17 and under are not admitted.
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas: When a couple gets a divorce they're still cousins.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With a Little Pistol

Here is an interesting story of survival and a woman's encounter with a fierce animal.

What is the smallest caliber a woman can use to protect herself and still feel safe?

Some say it is the Beretta Jetfire, 25 caliber.

One woman tells us why:

While hiking in Alaska with my boyfriend, we stumbled upon a grizzly bear. My boyfriend wasn't the most chivalrous of men and took off without me. I mean, he practically pushed me out of the way for a head start.

Thinking back on the moment, I supposed the grizzly bear was just protecting her cubs, which led to this aggression.

All I can say is if weren't for my little Beretta, I wouldn't be here today to tell my story.

With just one shot, my handy pistol nicked the back of my boyfriend's knee, making him trip and tumble to the ground in a pile of fallen wood.

Since my boyfriend's departure of this world, the Beretta has become the favorite in my collection! I wish would own a gun when dating questionable men!

You Might Be a Redneck If

You've ever tried to drown a fish.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit

Girlfriend Translator

Him Her What she really wanted to write

Hi, what was the name of that wine you ordered the other night?	I forgot. Why are you asking?	ARE YOU AT THE BAR? Are you at the bar with another girl? How dare you! (sob) Please don't cheat on me.
Have fun.	thx	Are you mad? Why are you mad? I think we really need to talk about this! Call me?
Hey	Hey	Did you seriously just wake up? I bet your were texting some other girl.
I'm going to try that drink you ordered next time.	alright	You're at the bar with a girl right now, aren't you? You lying, cheating bastard!
Miss u	I miss you too.	Do you actually miss me, or is the "u" some kind of loop hole that doesn't mean "you" but more like you say you miss "x" or some other random bit of the alphabet. Do you even love me?

List of Funny Birthday Wishes

Here is a list of the funniest birthday wishes could find. So when your birthday comes along, maybe your heart will desire a funny birthday wish. Hopefully, no one will try to reverse your birthday wishes!

I wish my projects looked more like the ones on Pinterest.

I wish my dog would listen to me.

I wish to be thinner than my friends, even if that means fattening them up.

I wish women came with instructions, but then I remembered I don't read instructions.

I wish the fire department could come over to chat when I'm lonely and not just when the kitchen is on fire.

I wish babies had a snooze button.

Nice One Liners

A cartoonist was found dead in his apartment but the details are sketchy.

Jokes about German people happen to be the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went until it dawned on me.

Like everyone else, when chemists die, they barium.

I hated my beard at first, and then it grew on me.

A dinosaur with a fabulous vocabulary is a thesaurus.

When the toilets were stolen from the police bathroom, the place had nothing to go on.

Courtroom Humor

Judge: What was the first thing your husband said?

Woman: He said, 'Where am I Jessica?'

Judge: Why did that anger you?

Woman: My name is Carol.

funny card for husband

Judge: When is your birthday?

Lady: June 5.

Judge: What year?

Lady: Every year.

dating birthday cards

Lawyer: The youngest girl, the 18-year-old. How old is she?

Witness: Eighteen. Like your IQ.

Lawyer: He had two kids, right?

Woman: Yes.

Lawyer: How many were girls?

Woman: None.

Lawyer: Were there any boys?

Woman: Your Honor, can I get a new lawyer?

Lawyer: How was your marriage ended?

Man: By death not a divorce card.

Lawyer: Whose death ended it?

Man: Take a wild guess.

Lawyer: Can you describe the attacker?

Woman: He was average height, and had a funny mustache.

Lawyer: Was it a male or female?

Woman: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

Lawyer: Nurse, how many autopsies have you performed on death people?

Nurse: All of them. Live people put up too much of a fight.

Lawyer: Doctor, when you performed the autopsy, did you check the patient's pulse?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Blood pressure?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: So it is possible the man was alive when you started the autopsy.

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure?

Doctor: Because his brain was in a separate box.

Lawyer: But the patient could have been alive nevertheless?

Doctor: Yes, and he could be going to law school

Morning Joe

One morning, a mother was shocked to see her son had made her a cup of coffee. After drinking the most dreadful cup of coffee in her life, she was surprised to see three little, green army figurines in her cup. She turned to her son and asked,

"Billy, why are these army men in my coffee?"

Her son smiled and said, "It's like the commercial. They say the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

A Trip to the Gynecologist

My gynecologist scheduled for a morning appointment. I got there half an hour early. I like to make sure I'm extra clean "down there." Before I left, I grabbed a washcloth by the sink, gave myself a quick wash, put on some clothes, got in the car, raced over. I was waiting a few minutes when I was called, I got on the table, when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I went home and my 6-year-old son asked, "Mom, where's my washcloth? It was the one by the sink; it had all my glitter saved inside it."

The Slap

An old nun, a cute Swedish girl, an American guy, and a Frenchman are all in a train car. The train goes into a dark tunnel and all 4 hear a slap. When they emerge, no one says a word but the Frenchman has a red hand print across his face.

The funny nun thinks that the Frenchman groped the Swedish girl, so she slapped him.

The Swedish girl thinks that the Frenchman tried groping her, but groped the nun instead, so the nun slapped him.

The Frenchman thinks the American groped the French girl and she mistakenly slapped him instead.

The lazy American is hoping there will be more tunnels so he can slap the Frenchman again.

Funny Monday Jokes

If a hammer can't fix then it's an electrical problem.

A mother went to wake up her daughter Monday morning.

"It's time for school," the mother said.

"But I don't want to go!" the daughter said.

"Give me two reasons why!" the mother said.

"For starters, the teachers hate me and the students hate me," the daughter said.

"That's no reason," said the mother. "Give me two reasons why I should go."

"Let's see, you're 52 and you're a teacher," the daughter said.

A magician is walking down the street Monday morning and turns into a bar.

If each day is a gift, I want to know where to return Mondays.

The only thing worse than Monday, is a Monday without coffee.

I hate Monday. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I haven't had such a bad Monday since last Monday.

Tuesday is a day to show you that you somehow survived Monday.

The Twins

There once was a woman who had to give up her twins for adoption. One of the twins was adopted by an Egyptian family and named Amal and the other by a Spanish family and named Juan.

Years later, Juan sends her a birthday card online with his picture. The other opens up the funny e card and tells her husband that she wishes she had a picture of the other son as well.

Her husband asks why and says, "They are identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

To Whom It May Conern Jokes

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark was leaving next Thursday.

Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,

Vampires are dead and have no blood pumping in their bodies; they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic and Vampire Jokes

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming thing. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic (a funny ship)

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! It!" Just saying.

Sincerely, Google and Yelp Jokes

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle In The Middle

Dear Other Planets Jealous of Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Take that, No Birthday Planets!

Sincerely, God

Dear Fox News,

I have been watching for five years now, and still no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color. Fuck you.

Sincerely, Blacks

Dear World of Warcraft,

Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Chinese.

Sincerely, Funny Chinese Restaurant Works Everywhere

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo Di Caprio

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely, Native American Cartoons

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spellchecking my curse words into different words. You piece of shut.

Sincerely, Every iPhone User Ever and Funny Texts

Goldfish Grave

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole.

"Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson.

"My funny goldfish died, so I'm burying him." replied young Sally.

"Oh that's tragic. I'm very sorry for your loss. But why are you digging such a big hole for your goldfish?"

"Because your stupid cat ate it!"

Fart Jokes
- 100 Funny Fart Slang and Fart Terms
  1. 1-man salute
  2. 7.4 on the Rectum scale
  3. Acid-rain maker
  4. After the thunder comes the rain
  5. Air bagel
  6. Airbrush your boxers
  7. Anal acoustics
  8. Anal ahem
  9. Anal audio
  10. Anal salute
  11. Anal volcano
  12. Arse blast
  13. Ass blaster
  14. Ass-scented methane
  15. Ass biscuit
  16. Ass thunder
  17. Ass whistle
  18. A turd whistling for the right of way
  19. Backdoor breeze
  20. Backfire
  21. Bad sprinkling
  22. Baking brownies
  23. Barking spiders
  24. Bean blower
  25. Beep your horn
  26. Belch from behind
  27. Better open a window
  28. Blast off
  29. Blast the chair
  30. Blasting the ass trumpet
  31. Blat
  32. Blow ass
  33. Blow mud
  34. Blow the big brown horn
  35. Blowing the butt bugle
  36. Blowing you a kiss
  37. Bomber
  38. Bottom blast
  39. Bottom burp
  40. Break the sound barrier without a plane
  41. Break wind
  42. Breath of fresh air
  43. Brown horn brass choir
  44. Brown thunder
  45. Bun shaker
  46. Burnin' rubber
  47. Buster
  48. Busting ass
  49. Butt bleat
  50. Butt burp
  51. Butt hair harmony
  52. Butt percussion
  53. Butt trauma
  54. Butt trumpet
  55. Butt tuba
  56. Buttock bassoon
  57. Cheek flapper
  58. Cheesin'
  59. Colonic calliope
  60. Crack a rat
  61. Crack one off
  62. Crack splitters
  63. Crimp off some breakfast biscuits
  64. Crop dusting (surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust)
  65. Crowd splitter
  66. Cut a stinker
  67. Cut loose
  68. Cut the cheese
  69. Cut the wind
  70. Death Breath
  71. Deflate
  72. Doing the one-cheek sneak
  73. Doorknob
  74. Drop a barking spider
  75. Drop a bomb
  76. Drop ass
  77. Dropped a bomb
  78. Eggy farts
  79. Empty my tank
  80. Exercising the meat nozzle (not sure if this one doesn't belong in a different category)
  81. Exploding bottom
  82. Explosion between the legs
  83. Exterminate
  84. Fart
  85. Fire a stink torpedo
  86. Fire the retro-rocket
  87. Firing scud missiles
  88. Fizzler
  89. Flame thrower
  90. Flamer
  91. Flapper
  92. Flatulate
  93. Flatulence
  94. Flatus
  95. Flipper
  96. Float an air biscuit
  97. Floof
  98. Fluffy
  99. Fog slicer
  100. Fowl howl
Marriage Jokes and Relationship Jokes
- Golf Story
  One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
  
  Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the funny golf course we were at heard the noise and called out,
  
  "Are you okay, what's your name?"
  
  "It's Jack, and I'm all right, thanks," I replied.
  
  "Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
  
  "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
  
  "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
  
  She was very pretty and persuasive.
  
  "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
  
  After a restorative brandy with some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my hostess.
  
  "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
  
  "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
  
  "Under the cart!" I said.
  
  Mother-in-law Joke
  
  Once there was a rich mother who wanted to test her three sons-in-law.
  
  She invited her first son-in-law to walk with her along the lake. She fell into the lake and pretended to be drowning. The brave son-in-law jumped into the lake and saved her without a second thought. The next day there was new car in his driveway with a message across the windshield that said, "Thanks, from your mother-in-law."
  
  The following day, she decided to test the second son-in-law by taking him to the lake. She fell in again, he saved her and he also found a new car in his driveway that said, "Thanks, your mother-in-law."
  
  Finally it was time to test the last son in law. She fell into the lake and he didn't lift a finger and let her drown.
  
  The following day, he also found a car, a sports car, in his driveway that said, "Thanks, from your father-in-law."
  
  Why Wedding Dresses Are White
  
  One day, a son asked his mother why brides wore white wedding dresses when the groom, maid of honor, bridesmaids and groomsmen all wore black or other colors.
  
  "The white means your bride is pure," the mother said.
  
  The son, not satisfied with her answer, asked his father.
  
  "Son, this is because all new house appliances come in white," the father said before being placed in intensive care. His outlook is not good.
  
  Mood Ring
  
  The Perfect Woman
  
  One day, a man decided to find the perfect woman, settle down, and get married because he wanted perfect children. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
  
  The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
  
  The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
  
  "Well" said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
  
  The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
  
  "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
  
  The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
  
  The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
  
  Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
  
  "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant for graduation when you met her."
  
  Laundromat Men
  
  Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up men? Because a man who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
  
  Pack Your Bags
  
  A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and yells, "Babe, pack your bags. I won the lottery."
  
  The boyfriend says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
  
  She says, "I don't care...Just get leave."
  
  Marriage is 50/50
  
  A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
  
  1. Women
  
  2. Fractions
  
  House Cleaning
  
  Adam goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
  
  "We're short-handed, Adam," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
  
  "Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"
  
  First Child
  
  A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
  
  "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
  
  "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
  
  Men and Women
  
  A woman worries about the future until she gets a funny husband card.
  
  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  
  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  
  A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  
  To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
  
  To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
  
  Love Sick
  
  Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
  
  Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
  
  Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
  
  "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
  
  Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee. She thought about getting a boob lift.
  
  It's Getting Hot in Here
  
  "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"
  
  "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied
  
  Love is Blind for Golfers
  
  Ted and Jane a met on a romantic singles cruise. Ted was head over heels for Jane.
  
  When they found out they lived in the same city they were excited to see where it would go.
  
  The first thing he did when they got home was to ask her out. Within a month's time, they had gone to the movies, dinners, walks on the beach, amusement parks, concerts and dance clubs. Every day was better than the one before and Ted knew this was his soul mate.
  
  On the one-month anniversary of their first meeting in the ship, Ted asked Jane to go to a fine-dining restaurant.
  
  Ted told her,
  
  I guess you already know how much I like you. I'd like to have a serious talk with you before we decided to take our relationship to the next level. Before I take out this box, and ask you a very important question, I have to warn you that I'm a golf fanatic. I play golf, read about it, watch golf and every day golf is there for me. If that is a problem, you have to say it now."
  
  Jane shook her head and said, "That's not a problem. Since we're being totally honest here, I have to tell you something too. For the past five years, I have been a hooker."
  
  Ted smiled and said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
  
  Traditional Girl
  
  A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides it's time to propose. So he heads to her father's house to ask his permission to sniff the bride.
  
  "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand,"
  
  A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"
  
  The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, it's just that mine have gotten tired."
  
  Wheel Chair Girl
  
  I recently started dating a girl in a wheelchair and I stood her up.
  
  Sexual Feelings
  
  In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
  
  "How do you feel about sex drugs and rock and roll?" he asked, rather trustingly.
  
  "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I don't like drug and rock and roll. As for sex, I would like it infrequently."
  
  The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"
  
  Missing Husband
  
  A wife notices her funny husband is missing from their bed.
  
  She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
  
  She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.
  
  He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
  
  She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
  
  "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
  
  The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
  
  She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
  
  The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
  
  Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
  
  The husband pauses... The words were not coming easily.
  
  "Do you remember when your father caught us parked and fucking the back seat of my car?"
  
  "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
  
  The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'"
  
  "I remember that, too" she replied softly...
  
  He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
  
  A Man Walks Into A Restaurant
  
  A man walks into a high-scale restaurant. Not like that low class, bean restaurant he went to last week.
  
  He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettuccini alfredo?"
  
  The waiter says, "A penny."
  
  The man exclaims, "A penny? How much for a steak?"
  
  The waiter says, "A dime."
  
  The man is shocked, "Are you serious?? Where's the man that owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!"
  
  The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife."
  
  Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
  
  The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."
  
  Three Friends
  
  Three friends haven't seen each other in years, but Sue, Mary and Jan find each other online.
  
  Sue suggested that they meet for brunch after sharing some Christmas e cards.
  
  At lunch, Jan is first wearing her tan Versace skirt. While waiting for them, she orders Pinot Grigio.
  
  Next Jan arrives in a gray Chanel outfit.
  
  Finally Mary comes in torn blue jeans and an old shirt. She shares their wine.
  
  Jan brings them up to date on her life. After high school she attended Oxford University and married a man named Timothy, who was part of a leading law firm in the UK. They live in a fabulous apartment and a second home in Spain.
  
  Sue mentioned that she attended Cambridge University, went to medical school and was a leading surgeon. She married a man named Clive, an investment banker. They live in the UK with a second home in Italy.
  
  Mary tells them she ran away with her boyfriend Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can hold five parrots, side-by-side, on his penis.
  
  Halfway through their second bottle of wine, Jan confesses that her hubby is really a cashier and they live in a small apartment in Bromley. In fact, she is living out of the van parked in the parking lot.
  
  Sue confuses that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.
  
  Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
  
  Love Text
  
  An older couple had finally switched to smart phones and started texting each other.
  
  The wife, who was a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a lovely text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
  
  She texted:
  If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
  If you are laughing, send me your smile.
  If you are eating, send me a bite.
  If you are drinking, send me a sip.
  If you are crying, send me your tears.
  I love you.
  
  Top 5 Bra Levels
  
  Think snapping off a bra is a cinch? This bra joke says otherwise and challenges you. How well are your bra snapping skills? Do you get stuck on medium or are you an expert? Remember, the greater the challenge, the sweeter the reward!
  
  Married Life
  
  Married life is hard. My wife is back on her warpath. Just last night she said she wanted to make a sex move and when I suggested that we hold auditions suddenly, I'm the bad guy! This marriage was a mistake!
  
  Sometimes my wife would ask how many other women I slept with and I told her, "Only you." All the others had kept me awake at night, after all.
  
  We got in a fight and I left the house. She said she wished me a long, cold, painful death to which I replied, "Why are you asking me to come back in?"
  
  My sister-in-law also broke my glasses when she sat on them, which was completely my fault. I should have taken them off.
  
  After bouts of depression, the wife and I decided to do a suicide pack. Strangely enough, after she took her final breath, life didn't seem so bad. Screw, I'll soldier on, I told myself after taking a shower.
  
  I felt something was wrong though. I got to the kitchen and saw breakfast had not been made. I was sad until I remembered McDonald's served breakfast until 11:30 a.m.
  
  When Did This Become Hotter Than This--Joke
  
  If You Marry A Welsh Girl
  
  Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
  
  The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
  
  The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to be a housewife and do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
  
  The third man married a girl from WALES . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see alittle out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
  
  Jewish Divorce
  
  A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Daniel."
  
  All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a half dollar coin and it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
  
  Her mother says, "You're married to a millionaire. You live in an six-bedroom mansion. You drive a $250,000 Ferrari. You get a weekly $2,000 allowance. You take four vacations a year and you want to throw all that away...Over 45 cents?"
Blonde Jokes
- Blondes in the Woods
  
  So two true blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blonde was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.
  
  Blonde Going to Dallas
  
  A natural blonde is on the way to Dallas and she is sitting in first class when she has a ticket for coach. While she is reading a magazine, the flight attendant confronts her and says, "Excuse me, ma'am, you have a coach ticket, and you are sitting in first class. Could you please move to coach?"
  
  She puts down her magazine, looks at her in the eyes, and says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas."
  
  She continues reading her magazine.
  
  The flight attendant calls the co-pilot to talk to her. The co-pilot confronts her and says, "I'm the co-pilot of this plane, and I'm happy to hear you're excited to be going to Dallas, but could you please move to coach? You don't have a first-class seat."
  
  She puts down her magazine, looks at him in the eyes, and says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas."
  
  She continues reading her magazine.
  
  The co-pilot, furious and not knowing what to do, gets the captain and asks if he can talk to her. The captain gets up and talks to the woman. The woman grabs her bags and moves to coach. He returns to the co-pilot.
  
  The co-pilot asks, "How did you get her to move? We've tried talking to her but nothing happened. What did you say?"
  
  The captain responded saying, "I told her first class isn't going to Dallas."
  
  Smart Blonde
  
  What do you call an intelligent blonde?
  
  A golden retriever.
  
  Pregnant Blonde
  
  A funny blonde, a brunette and a redhead, all pregnant are waiting for their OBGYNs in a hospital and they are chatting about what motherhood is going to be like. The talk drifts to whether they think their respective babies will be boys or girls.
  
  "Well," said the redhead, "I wouldn't be surprised if I had a boy, since whenever my partner and I have sex, he's always on top and I heard that makes for a boy."
  
  The brunette says, "If that's the case, then I must be going to have a girl, since when my partner and I have sex, I'm always on top."
  
  The blonde starts to sniffle, then bursts out crying. The other two ask her what's wrong.
  
  "Oh, no!" the blonde wails. "I'm going to have a puppy!"
  
  The Blind Cowboy and the Blondes
  
  An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
  
  He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
  
  After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
  
  "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke about ice cream?"
  
  The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
  
  In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
  
  "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
  Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
  
  The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
  
  The Blonde's Husband
  
  A man tells his blonde wife that he is going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets the store, he finds out its closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and starts talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in the girl's apartment and having quite the time. The next thing he knows it was 3 o' clock.
  
  "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick, give me some talcum powder!"
  
  She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been?"
  
  He says, "Well, to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this girl, and slept with her."
  
  "Let me see your hands!" she demands.
  
  He shows his wife his powdery hands.
  
  "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
  
  The Blond Man
  
  An Irishman, a blond, and a Mexican are working at a construction site. They break for lunch. The Irishman says,"Corned beef and cabbage again?! I swear if I get this for lunch one more time, I'll throw myself off the top of this building!"
  
  The Mexican says, "Enchiladas again?! If I get this for lunch one more time, I'll jump off the top of this building!"
  
  The blond man says, "Peanut butter and jelly again?! If I get this for lunch one more time, I'll jump off the top of this building!"
  
  The next day, they all opened their lunches to find the same damn thing as yesterday, and they all fell to their deaths. At the funeral, their wives were all deeply mourning their losses. The Mexican's wife says, "If I'd known he wanted something different, I could have made him tacos instead."
  
  The Irishman's wife says "If I'd known he was sick of corned beef and cabbage, I could've made him anything else."
  
  They both look at the blond's wife, who says, "Hey, don't look at me, he made his own lunch!"
  
  The Lottery
  
  There was this blonde woman who was heavy in debt. She got a letter in the mail saying that if she didn't pay her bills soon the bank would repossess her business. Not knowing what to do, she prayed.
  
  "Please, God," she said. "Let me win the lottery so I'll have the money to keep my business."
  
  She didn't win the lottery though and the bank ended up taking her business. The next week she got another letter in the mail saying that if she didn't pay her bills the bank would take her house. Again, the woman prayed.
  
  "Please God. Let me win the lottery so I can keep my house."
  
  Again, she didn't win the lottery and the bank kicked her out of her house. Now she is living in her car. Without mercy, a bank representative told her that if she didn't pay her bills they would take her car as well. She decides to pray one more time.
  
  "Please God. Let me win the lottery so I can put my life back together again."
  
  All of a sudden the clouds parted and God spoke to her.
  
  "Work with me, girl. Buy a friggin' lottery ticket!"
  
  The Blonde and the Gun
  
  A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up you lying, cheating bastard! You're next!"
  
  The Brazilian
  
  A girl tells her blonde sister that she slept with a Brazilian. The blonde replies, "OMG! Are you a slut?! How many is a Brazilian?"
  
  Steps of Heaven
  
  There is a brunette, a redhead and a blonde in front of the gateway to heaven waiting to get in heaven. In order for them to enter, they must climb 100 steps of stairs. They may take 1 step at a time whenever God tells them a joke and they cannot laugh, otherwise they will fall down and have to start over. The redhead falls down on the 20th stair, the brunette falls down on the 80th stair, and the blonde falls down on the 99th stair. God then asks the blonde, "You were so close! Why did you laugh?" And the blonde woman answered, "I just got the first joke!"
  
  The Blonde and the Milk Bath
  
  A blonde heard that a nice milk bath would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to bring her 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the message, he was sure it had to be a mistake. He figured she meant 2.5 gallons of milk so he decided to ask.
  
  The blonde came to the door and he asked if she meant 2.5 gallons.
  
  "No, I need 25 gallons," the blonde said. "I will look gorgeous and young again."
  
  The milkman asked if she wanted it pasteurized.
  
  "No, as long as it goes up to my boobs. I can splash it in my eyes."
  
  The Blonde and the Bus
  
  There was a blonde who was wearing an unusually tight short skirt. She didn't realize how short and tight it was until she went to the bus stop. As she approached the steps, she noticed she wouldn't be able to take a step up without unzipping the back of her skirt a little.
  
  She smiled at the bus driver and tried to take a step, but her leg wouldn't reach. Embarrassed, she smiled again and reached behind her and tried to unzip it a bit more.
  
  Still, she couldn't step up. She sighed and as she was about to unzip it one more time, the man behind her picked her up and carried her onto the bus.
  
  The blonde screamed and said, "What do you think you're doing? What do you think gives you the right to touch me?"
  
  "Well, ma'am," the man said, "you already unzipped my pants, so I figured we were already acquainted."
  
  The Great Wife
  
  On a partially cold winter morning, a husband and wife in New York had the radio on during breakfast. The announcer said, "We will have 7 to 10 inches of snow today. Everyone needs to park on the even-numbered side of the street for the snow plows.
  
  The wife went out and parked the car on the other side.
  
  A few days later there was another announcement to park cars on the odd-numbered side, so she did.
  
  A week after that, there was another storm warning people to park cars but the transmission went out early, "We are expecting a heavy snowfall. Everyone must park their cars..."
  
  The power went out.
  
  She looked at her husband and said, "What should I do? How do I know it's the same side?"
  
  Then the man, who will all the love and turmoil that comes with being married to a blonde asked, "Why don't you just park it in our garage this time?"
  
  Circus in Town
  
  The owner of a traveling circus puts out an ad for a lion tamer and two applicants came to be interviewed. The first one was a retired golf instructor in his 60s with a funny lion card and the other was a blonde bombshell in her 20s.
  
  The circus owner tells them both that the lion was terrible and maimed the last tamer. He gave them both a chair, whip and a gun.
  
  The blonde says she's going first. She walks past the chair, whip and gun and goes right into the cage. The lion charges at her and she flips her coat open. She has nothing on. The lion stops and licks her feet and sits down.
  
  The owner says he has never seen anything quite like that. He asks the golfer if he can top that.
  
  "Sure, but first get rid of the lion," he says.
Office Jokes
- The Funny Interview
  
  A funny Mexican guy, a Russian guy, and a Canadian guy are in a waiting room to be called in for an office job interview at a fortune 500 company.
  
  The Mexican is called into the manager's office first.
  
  The manager is a good-looking looking guy, but he was born without ears. Guess he can't wear earrings. The Mexican takes a seat.
  
  "For this job, we need someone observant. Tell me, what's something you observe about me?" asks the manager.
  
  The Mexican says, "You don't have fucking ears!"
  
  The manager gets furious and kicks him out of his office.
  
  Next, the Russian is called into the manager's office.
  
  "We need employees who are very observant for this job," says the manager. "To test your observational skills, tell me something you observe about me."
  
  "You've got no fucking ears!" says the Russian. Again, the manager throws him out of his office.
  
  Both the Russian and the Mexican make sure to tell the Canadian guy, who was still waiting in the waiting room that the manager is going to ask him to make an observation about him. They warn him, though, because he's very sensitive about being born without ears and not to bring it up.
  
  The Canadian guy gets called into the manager's office.
  
  "I need to test your observational skills before thinking about giving you a job," says the manager. "What's something you observe about me?"
  
  Flustered, the Canadian guy says, "Hmm, you're wearing contact lenses."
  
  Surprised, the manager asks, "How did you know that?"
  
  The Canadian guy replied, "How the hell would you wear glasses? You've got no fucking ears!"
  
  "Get the hell out of my office!"
  
  The Gambler
  
  One day the IRS decides to audit Sam in the middle of Sam's quest of sending funny e birthday cards. The auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with an attorney and a handful of funny bday cards he will later mail to friends.
  
  The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have a lavish lifestyle and no real employment, which you explain by saying that you win gambling. The IRS finds that unbelievable."
  
  "I'm a fantastic gambler, and I can prove it," says Sam. "How about a demonstration?"
  
  The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay Go ahead."
  
  Sam says, "I'll bet you a hundred dollars that I can bite my own eye."
  
  The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
  
  Sam removes his glass eye and bites it.
  
  The auditor's jaw drops.
  
  Sam replies, "Now, I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
  
  The auditor can tell Sam isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
  
  Sam takes out his dentures and bites his good eye
  
  The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Sam's attorney watching. He starts to get nervous.
  
  "Want to make it interesting?" Sam asks.
  
  "I'll bet you three thousand dollars that I can stand beside one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
  
  The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Sam stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, resulting in him urinating all over the desk.
  
  The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss in to a huge win, but Sam's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
  
  "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
  
  "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Sam told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

That's What They Say - Mentions & Articles
- Go Articles | Review of Ron Kanfi From NobleWorks
  - Go Articles | Humorous Review of Ron Kanfi From NobleWorks Cards
    
    Published 3:30 p.m., Tuesday, January 29, 2013
    
    By Nathan Johnson
    
    Let me give you a little insight on the life and works of Ron Kanfi. He operates NobleWorks Cards, which is a humorous greeting cards business. Ron has been creating and publishing humorous greeting cards for over 30 years now. Ron has also battled Multiple Sclerosis, since 1990, now that is impressive!
    
    Ron has a book on Amazon titled: "Saint Misbehavin': Modern-Day Saints You've Never Heard Of" - it has an overall rating of 4.9 out of 5 with 36 customer reviews, which is a very good rating.
    
    I must say that the cover of the book shows what looks like a saints clothing with a cartoon image head of "the dude." You know the Jeff Bridges character from the movie "The Big Lebowski." He's also holding a big bong and a bottle. This can rub some people the wrong way, especially some Catholics, but there are some important things to consider.
    
    The first thing is that it is a joke. I don't think Ron means any ill will at all by it; he just wants to cheer people up and make them laugh. I mentioned before that Ron has had MS, since 1990. That has to be a very difficult thing to deal with and what Ron has done to help himself cope is to use humor and bring some humor into the lives of countless other people through his humorous cards and books.
    
    I think that his greeting cards are hilarious. His humorous birthday cards get me going pretty good. He also has anniversary, holiday, get well soon and wedding cards. Back to his book, I think that the cover is absolutely brilliant, but of course I love "the dude."
    
    The cover of the book comes from one of his best selling greeting cards. This book has gotten reviews like theseÃƒ¢EUR¦
    "This book is more than just a witty read." - Tim Whyatt
    "I found myself laughing out loud with every page." - Matthew Kressel
    "If you need a good laugh buy this book and send a copy to all your friends." - Lisa H. Knapp
    
    I want to also mention that Ron may rustle a few feathers with some of his humor, but it does a lot of great things that don't get the mention that they deserve. Ron not only brings joy and humor to people all over the world with his books and greeting cards, he has another great act going on behind the scenes.
    
    Ron should be commended for founding Live Without Limits in 2010. The concept here is a fundraising event to help people who are suffering from MS. He does something more interesting than most MS fundraisers, that is that he caters towards helping MS sufferers overcoming their limits and especially their physical limitations, which is very important to people who suffer from this terrible disease.
    
    Remember how good of a person that Ron Kanfi is before you judge him for coming up with Saint Dude - "Patron Saint of The Lost Brain Cells." Which, I think is hilarious, but some people take it the wrong way. Please don't take it the wrong way and realize how funny and how good of a person Ron Kanfi is. I give his blog spotlight, 5 out of 5 stars!
- Yahoo News | NobleWorks' 2012 Christmas Catalog
  - Yahoo News | NobleWorks' Christmas 2012 Catalog Leaves Customers Speechless
    
    PRWeb � Mon, Apr 2, 2012
    
    NobleWorks' latest wholesale catalog features hundreds of hilarious new and used cards for the holiday season.
    
    Hoboken, NJ (PRWEB) April 02, 2012
    
    We can't keep silent about http://www.NobleWorksCards.com 's outrageously funny new Christmas 2012 Catalog. The just-released 48-page wholesale catalog features a whopping 160 brand-new humorous cards for Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving and New Year's, as well as many customer favorites making a comeback this holiday season. New designs are clearly denoted, as are returning best-sellers (for those who like hanging with the popular crowd). There's even a page showing the "Best of the Worst" ... because NobleWorks will print almost anything!
    
    Included in NobleWorks' wholesale Christmas 2012 Catalog are a sleigh-load of humorous holiday cartoons from many of today's top cartoonists. There are numerous new additions to the company's uber-popular "Talk Bubbles" line and an expanded lineup of the recently introduced retro "Rabbit Ears" series. Also new is a collection of Christmas and Halloween cards featuring the work of erotic-art illustrator Michael Broderick. All cards retail for $2.95 and are printed on demand in the U.S. using renewable source and recycled paper.
- Squidoo | Birthday Cards for Women
  - Squidoo | Birthday Cards for Women
    
    The perfect, witty birthday cards for women
    NobleWorks Cards has added new cards to its hilarious Ephemera line of cards directed towards women. The cards are smart, sassy, and the perfect card to stand out from all the other cards. With its tongue-in-cheek humor, NobleWorks mixes retro pictures and modern themes and sayings with hilarious results.
    Girly Birthday Cards
    
    Funny Birthday Card
    This latest introduction comes on the high heels of the 20-plus designs we added in May to our already extensive Ephemera collection - making NobleWorks the best, biggest and longest (but not hardest) publisher offering this customer-favorite card line. Size does matter!
    Feed Back
    
    Tell us how you like the new line of funny birthday cards from NobleWorks Cards http://www.nobleworkscards.com/
- Squidoo | Funny Birthday Cards
  - Squidoo: Funny Birthday Cards
    
    NobleWorks Cards has done it again with its delightful collection of hilarious birthday cards for the whole family.
    
    The only thing better than a birthday card with money is a funny birthday card with money. And just like everyone says, it is the thought that counts. So, why don't you think about stocking up on some seriously funny cards so you're always prepared for last-minute parties? Check out www.nobleworkscards.com for more laughs.
- Wikipedia | NobleWorks Cards
  - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia | NobleWorks Cards
    
    NobleWorks Inc. Type Private
    Industry Greeting card publisher
    Genre Humor Publisher
    Founded 1980
    Founder(s) Jay Purvis and Christopher Noble
    Headquarters Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
    Key people Ron Kanfi - President
    Products Greeting cards, stationery, electronic greetings, calendars
    Owner(s) Ron Kanfi
    Employees 8
    Website www.NobleWorksCards.com
    References: Even single cards ship free
    
    NobleWorks Inc. is a publisher of humorous greeting cards. The company is located in Hoboken, New Jersey and publishes and sells paper greeting cards, cards with detachable magnets, lapel-button cards, gift cards, free on-line electronic greeting cards, magnetic memo pads, and note pads.
    
    NobleWorks develops several lines and licenses properties to other greeting card companies, publishers, and manufacturers. NobleWorks also licenses artwork from various cartoonists and designers who are based in the United States, as well as in other countries.
    
    NobleWorks Inc. is the originator of the Talk Bubbles. NobleWorks features cards by over thirty cartoonists, many of whom are featured in the magazines The New Yorker, Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse (magazine), National Lampoon, and MAD Magazine. NobleWorks also publishes cards featuring licenses from over twenty artists and designers.
- Pingg | NobleWorks Gallery
  - Pingg | NobleWorksCards
    
    www.nobleworkscards.com
    
    NobleWorks Inc. has been publishing humorous greeting cards since 1980. Its fun designs include hilarious cartoons, outrageous photos, laugh-out-loud messages and more - ranging from somewhat silly to seriously naughty!
    
    Use this collection of free cards to send a few smiles to your friends. Also take advantage of this SPECIAL OFFER for pingg users: 50% off purchase of NobleWorks print cards. Visit nobleworkscards.com and use coupon code: PINGGWORKS for your purchase. (Minimum 2 card purchase for this offer)
- Weekly World News | All Saints Thursday
  - Weekly World News | ALL SAINTS THURSDAY: THE OVEREXTENDED
    
    By Reginald Cunningham III on July 30, 2009
    
    This week, we bring you the most overworked mother in this holy feature on lesser known saints.
    
    For this installment, we present: Saint Olivia the Overextended
    Patron Saint of Working Moms
    
    Saint Olivia worked at an orphanage in the midlands of England in the late 19th century. Due to a sudden outbreak of tuberculosis every other sister that worked with her went out for a picnic one day and died halfway through a game of horseshoes. Olivia was left tending to all 56 children by herself with no foreseeable means of income.
    
    Saint Olivia immediately put the children to work. Older children would help watch the younger children. Those in the middle helped turn the orphanage playground into a garden. Once this was set up the children worked the fields and sold their wares to local blue collar laborers.
    
    One day a child came running to her from the fields, his left hand having been clean chopped off from the thresher he was working. The child started to cry for his lost hand. The distracted Olivia simply held it back in place, spit on it, and the hand was good as new. She then told the child to get back to work which he did gladly.
    
    In the middle of running this business to keep them all eating, Olivia still needed to care for the tasks of running an orphanage. Through many a sleepless night her coffeepot was her only companion. When money for coffee ran out, her pot miraculously always had lukewarm coffee in it, just enough to keep her awake.
    
    Saint Olivia is now known as the Patron Saint of working mothers, child labor, and mediocre coffee.
    
    You can pay homage to Saint Olivia, or any of the forgotten saints, by taking up a mop and acquiring the Saint Misbehavin' guide, lovingly created by NobleWorks.
- On Top List | F#ck Cancer
  - On Top List | Cancer Cards- F#ck Cancer!
    
    When a coworker, friend or family member has cancer, it's hard to know what to say or what kind of card to give him or her. That's why NobleWorks Cards came up with its "F Cancer" line of cards. It felt those were the only works that correctly expressed the frustration felt of anyone diagnosed with cancer.
    
    The cards came about when the president of NobleWorks, Ron Kanfi, had friends diagnosed with cancer, but no cards to send. He knew his line of funny cards weren't appropriate for the situation, and no other cards out there articulated how he felt.
    
    "It is strong, clear, shocking and at the same time supportive as in, 'I am with you one this one,'" Kanfi said about his cancer cards.
    
    After making the cards, Kanfi felt he finally had cards that expressed the right sentiment. Not only to does the line address various diagnoses of cancers with various ribbon colors that represent those diagnoses, but NobleWorks Cards also donates a portion of its profits from its cards to cancer research.
    
    "We set to donate 50 percent of the proceeds to two reputable cancer foundations," Kanfi said.
    
    Read more: http://www.nobleworkscards.com/fuck-cancer.html
- The Hill | Coming to a Birthday Card Near You
  - The Hill | Coming to a birthday card near you: Obama vs. Romney
    
    By Darren Garnick - 07/30/12 08:18 PM ET
    
    Whether it's for a few months or the next eight years, Mitt Romney is about to hit the birthday party circuit. He won't be doing magic tricks or twisting balloons into the shapes of animals, but as the Republican presidential nominee, he's earned a starring role on greeting cards.
    
    "Another birthday, and you still look like a million bucks," Romney says, basking in the glow of a candlelit inferno in his Hallmark Cards debut. "Trust me. I know what a million bucks looks like."
    
    From a mainstream-marketing perspective, the class-warfare joke is a political bull's-eye. It's cute and disarming enough to get a smirk out of wealthy Republicans, while for the Occupy Wall Street crowd it could channel sarcasm.
    
    Romney's other Hallmark cameo this summer: he and President Obama, facing each other on the debate stage, the mood jovial. "Finally!" the caption blares. "Something Democrats and Republicans can agree on!"
    
    Inside, the political rivals give each other an affectionate fist-bump. "You're getting pretty damn old," goes the punch line.
    
    "It's always pretty fun to see how the election year is going to shape up," says Julie McFarland, Hallmark's creative director in charge of humor themes. "Figuring out who was going to be the Republican candidate was interesting this year. We had a few side-bets going in the office. Rick Santorum's sweater-vests would have been fun to draw � and we would have had a lot of fun with Newt's name."
    
    According to the Greeting Card Association, the trade group accounting for 95 percent of the industry, there are more than 3,000 U.S. greeting card publishers, ranging from individual studios to multinational corporations. Brands owned by Hallmark (Shoebox) and American Greetings (Carlton Cards/Recycled Paper Greetings) dominate retail shelf space.
    
    Although political-humor cards represent a tiny fraction of new releases each year, Recycled Paper Greetings is now preparing a major promotional push for the genre with a 6-foot-high patriotic "Election 2012" display to showcase up to 18 different cards. RPG is simultaneously courting political cheerleaders and hecklers in both parties. An "I (Heart) Barack" card is on the same rack as a wishful-thinking "1-20-2013 Obama's Last Day" birthday card. The latter is inscribed, "Sending you HAPPY thoughts as you celebrate your big day!"
    
    "We try to be an equal-opportunity offender," explains RPG's Graham Webb, senior director of creative and product management. "A consumer might occasionally respond negatively to an anti-Republican-themed card that he or she happens to read, but may not see that three pockets down there is an equally offensive anti-Democratic card."
    
    Balancing out the "Obama's Last Day" card is one in which Romney tries to dispel the notion he is "out of touch" with the average American. The punch line is that he wishes you "Merry Christmas" on your birthday. The company is also selling retro-style political slogan cards with hokey but supportive messages: "Keep Calm and Vote for Rom" and "Keep Calma and Vote Obama."
    
    Measuring the mood of voters by greeting-card sales is hardly an exact science, but Webb thinks it is more than a coincidence that one of American Greetings's best-selling political cards features "Butt Crack Guy."
    
    A variation of the classic plumber's-crack gag with a patriotic spin, the card depicts a hairy middle-age guy in skimpy star-spangled shorts that reveal a tad too much posterior cleavage. He's standing before the U.S. Capitol Building, which sets up the joke: "Birthdays are like political parties. Neither one is what they're cracked up to be."
    
    Still, while American Greetings might think of itself as an "equal-opportunity offender," staying in Wal-Mart and Target for the long term requires a more restrained level of irreverence. For New Jersey-based NobleWorks Cards, which caters mostly to novelty gift shops and independent bookstores, butt jokes are only the beginning.
    
    "Does the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy Make My Ass Look Fat?" is a popular Hillary Clinton theme, while the "Baracky Horror Picture Show" card has a photo illustration of the president stuffed into a corset, high heels and a garter belt.
    
    Shoebox once made a Halloween-themed card with Bill and Hillary Clinton ringing doorbells for candy, making an oblique reference to the Monica Lewinsky scandal. "Well, that depends on what the meaning of 'treat' is," a grinning Bill says.
    
    That's the kind of subtlety that NobleWorks avoids, according to publisher Ron Kanfi, who sells one card advocating that the official presidential seal be replaced with a condom � along with five metaphors for the government screwing the public.
    
    "With the major retailers, three complaints get your card yanked from the shelves," he says. "Our motto is 'If they can't take a joke, eff them!' "
    
    Indeed, the F-word is the basis for one of the company's major card lines, "F--k Cancer," which shatters the whispering "thinking of you" tone of the Get Well Soon genre.
    
    One of the company's more controversial cards shows Obama starting a speech with an apology: "Sorry I'm late. I couldn't get a cab."
    
    "It's not a racist joke, but it is a joke about racism," Kanfi says. "Obviously, getting a taxi is not an issue for the president, but we're commenting on how this kind of discrimination sadly exists. We have no political agenda. Our only rule is if we think it's funny, print it.
    
    "I would hope that President Obama would think our cards were funny if he ever saw them," he adds. "But I also sometimes wonder if I have an FBI file."
- Gifts and Decorative Accessories | Birthday Calling
  - Gifts and Decorative Accessories | Ephemera collection from Nobleworks
    
    Birthday Calling ...
    
    Ephemera collection greeting card is one of 17 humorous designs recently added to the Talk Bubbles line. Inside message reads: "Another birthday is calling. Happy Birthday." Also available blank inside. Printed in U.S.A. on recycled paper. $2.95. Nobleworks Inc., Hoboken, NJ. 800.346.6253.
- Gifts and Decorative Accessories | Ron Kanfi
  - Gifts and Decorative Accessories | Ron Kanfi, Vice President, Nobleworks Hoboken, NJ
    
    Meredith Schwartz -- Gifts and Dec, 4/1/2001 12:00:00 AM
    
    Gifts & Dec: How was the company first founded?
    
    Ron Kanfi: Christopher Noble, our president, was working for an alternative-market card publisher. He was a victim of downsizing, and took to painting apartments while he figured out what to do next. He came up with the concept for his first line of cards, Moon Blooms, while playing with latex paint. They were basic black-and-white cards treated with a squiggle of shadow-printed latex paint. He worked at home on a $400 investment that he borrowed from his mom. He took Moon Blooms to the 1981 stationery show. They sold well. But the second line-question-and-answer jokes-put us on the map.
    
    Gifts & Dec: When did you join the company?
    
    RK: In 1983, I came from Israel with a backpack and $1,000 for a six-month tour. I quickly realized that it wasn't enough money to get me coast to coast; I had to get a job. I was washing dishes in an East Village cafe. The cook's roommate was Christopher's assistant. My background was in art, so I got hired to paint cards at 2 cents each.
    
    Gifts & Dec: And your responsibilities grew from there?
    
    R.K.: Yes. Christopher later asked me to be his assistant, and then his partner. I took over business and operations, and he assumed the creative directorship even though he has a business degree and I was a painter. It was perfect because we each knew where the other was coming from. Today, Christopher is semi-retired.
    
    Gifts & Dec: How did Nobleworks grow from there?
    
    RK: The next idea, art cards designed by Gene Greiff, bombed. It was ahead of its time. After that were astrology cards. We also did collage cards with talk bubbles, and postcards by John Callahan. That put us on the map for successfully publishing cartoons. In the early '90s, we came out with a successful art collection. We applied the images on craft paper onto frames.
    
    Gifts & Dec: You were no longer working in Christopher's home?
    
    RK: We started in a space in Manhattan's meat packing district, before it was trendy. In 1989, we moved to Hoboken and got twice the space for half the rent. Since then we've had three spaces in a one-block radius. The current one is 15,000 square feet.
    
    Gifts & Dec: What has been Nobleworks' biggest challenge?
    
    RK: Growing the company into the mass-market arena that it needs for volume. The niche retailer is an endangered species. So many of the stores that targeted a specific community are being replaced by the common-denominator chain. Our strength was in that niche market. When it comes to humor we're always a step or two, or ten, ahead of the mainstream. It was a real challenge to fit into a national store without providing mainstream product. We've been walking that line. While we're moving a little to the right in our thinking, the market is moving left. So we've met in the middle. We can now sell cards to mainstream stores that we never dreamed of placing five years ago.
    
    Gifts & Dec: You mean Nobleworks is losing its power to offend?
    
    RK: The day we can't offend people, we might as well go home. We thrive on hate mail.
    
    Gifts & Dec: What's been some of your best hate mail?
    
    RK: We made a card on how to cook a cat. The ASPCA published it in their newsletter inviting subscribers to protest. We have boxes full of protest mail! Another one we're proud of is a Callahan card, which reads: "This is a feminist book store, there is no humor section." Some feminist groups in Oregon got hold of it and were very upset. We would never publish anything that is socially irresponsible, malicious, or promotes violence, but it's nice when you can laugh at yourself. We once published a card with a picture of a nun and an off-color joke. The nun recognized herself and thought it was hysterical. We sent her a box of them.
    
    Gifts & Dec: After 20 years, do you plan to branch out beyond cards?
    
    RK: We've concluded that we're best doing what we know best. Art, regular humor cards, and our leftfield humor line are enough fronts to tackle. That's our direction for the next five years. Beyond that, who knows? We've thought of manufacturing cars.very funny cars.
- Gifts and Decorative Accessories | NobleWorks
  - Gifts and Decorative Accessories | NobleWorks Backstory � Laugh It Up!
    
    Diane Falvey -- April 29, 2015
    
    When Ron Kanfi came to the United States as a tourist and began working at an alternative greeting card company called NobleWorks, little did he know that in 2015, he'd be running the company and celebrating its 35th anniversary.
    
    "When I joined the company in 1983, I was making $10 an hour drawing squiggles," Kanfi said. The company's first line of cards had typed sentiments, such as "I love you" repeated on the face of the card in black and white, and color squiggle designs as an overlay. "We started out as an artsy company," he continued. "We were an alternative greeting card company, which back then, there weren't many." NobleWorks was founded in 1980 by friends and artists, Chris Noble and Jay Purvis.
    
    At around the same time he joined the company, NobleWorks began to change its "attitude." The company launched its first humorous greeting cards with its Ten Best Jokes collection. "They were more reader cards than greeting cards," Kanfi said. Each card had a theme with 10 questions on the cover and 10 answers inside. The jokes covered a wide variety of topics, from cute to quite politically incorrect. "We did what we thought was cool and fun," he noted.
    
    In 1989, the company hired cartoonist John Callahan, and NobleWorks humor went even further to the "dark" side, Kanfi said. Callahan was a quadriplegic with a "dark yet hilarious" sense of humor, with illustrations such as a masseuse with hook hands, for example. At the time they met, Callahan's agent was testing his designs with Hallmark. "They [Hallmark] weren't going to carry his cards," Kanfi continued. Three weeks before the National Stationery Show that year, NobleWorks agreed to publish 36 postcards to debut at the show and was awarded the Callahan license. "That was a turning point for NobleWorks," Kanfi said. Callahan is still with the company today, and other cartoonists have been added as well. "We've stepped on a few toes [with our sense of humor]," Kanfi said. "But we've sold millions of cards."
    
    In the 1990s, as business changed and suburban malls became more popular shopping destinations and uprooted some of the local independent retailers, the company had to morph once again to stay afloat. "We decided on a three-prong strategy," Kanfi said. "We looked at ourselves as a content company."
    
    The company kept marketing to its core customers, but also added a licensing division to offer its unique brand of humor to other product categories, such as calendars, books and other greeting cards. This allowed NobleWorks to gain entry into other retail markets without taking away from its core customer. The third prong was an online retail store, Kanfi said, noting that NobleWorks was one of the first companies of its size to do that. "It became apparent that the online shop did not attract the same consumer as the brick and mortar, so these channels complemented each other, rather than replacing each other."
    
    Noble and Kanfi had bought out Purvis's share of the business early on, and were partners until Noble passed away in 2001. After Noble passed, Kanfi found himself with debt and cash flow issues. Several years later, the company restructured under Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. However, instead of viewing this as the end of the road, Kanfi saw the reshuffling as an opportunity to reinvent NobleWorks yet again.
    
    In 2010, the company closed its warehouse and converted to an on demand business model. While per unit costs were more expensive for the company with this model, overall, on-demand printing proved more cost-effective. "When you have to print 12, 16 or 20 cards on a form, thousands of units each, you've printed far more than you will need. Then there are costs for storage, pick and pack� If you are 100 percent stocked, you are overstocked," Kanfi said.
    
    He added that while the change to an on-demand business was forced by the circumstances and the upside wasn't apparent at first, for NobleWorks, on-demand has been far more effective than offset printing. Customers have been pleased with the process as well. They can order one or a dozen cards of one type, and the order is shipped complete within 24 hours. "The profitability has changed drastically. It [on demand printing] has allowed us to stay in business," Kanfi said. "I don't throw out what I thought would sell for Christmas."
    
    In 35 years, NobleWorks has had its ups and downs, and has made many changes along the way. For Kanfi, though, it has all been worth it. "The most important part is that we are actually having fun doing it," he said. "Otherwise, why bother."
- Party and Paper | The Complete Package
  - Party & Paper | The Complete Package
    
    Elevate an ordinary birthday to an extraordinary sale
    
    Decorations are a party staple, but there's nothing like getting a birthday card in the mail or digging through the tissue paper of a gift bag to find just what might be inside. In this age of electronic communication, knowing that someone took the time to put together the complete package adds to the specialness of the day.
    
    As retailers, you have the opportunity to help customers create that complete birthday package for the guest of honor - from the card to the gift wrap - elevating a birthday from "just another day" to something so much more.
    
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered
    
    The complete birthday package starts with a card. While birthday cards can often be overlooked in party stores, they're the easiest way to not only share a sentiment, but also increase sales.
    
    "About 60 percent of everyday greeting cards purchased are for birthdays, so this is clearly the most important caption to have depth in the offering," said George White of Up With Paper. "Importantly, birthday cards are a fantastic impulse buy, appealing to a customer at any time and regardless of the nature of the store visit."
    
    Krista Ohlsen of Quotable Cards said that when spending that extra bit for a gift may not be an option for customers, giving a card is an inexpensive solution. Retailers should include a good assortment of different lines.
    
    "So often the retailers carry the big lines without remembering that there are lots of people that may be looking for a line they don't typically see everywhere," Ohlsen said. "If you're carrying the same card lines as the drugstore down the street, you will most certainly benefit by branching out a bit with the greeting card range."
    
    White agreed that consumers who want to shop a giant run of cards by caption are going to a big box store; consumers looking for something unique, fun and memorable will come to a specialty store, and be drawn in by a look before narrowing down to the caption.
    
    "Consumers shopping for greeting cards in specialty stores are by definition looking for something unique, so specialty stores need to provide it," White said. "Hand-made ornamentation, as well as add-ons like sound and light (and pop-ups) continue to grow in importance to greeting card buyers in specialty stores."
    
    Ron Kanfi of NobleWorks said the cards most likely to stand out in a party-store setting are those that feature many of the same bright colors and fun themes as the party-ware sold. And in keeping with the party-store atmosphere, choose cards with fun, short inner verses rather than those with long or overly sentimental messaging. You should also be carrying humorous milestone-birthday cards to complement milestone-birthday merchandise.
    
    "Birthday cards are an excellent opportunity to make add-on sales," Kanfi said. "Make sure they leave with a greeting card by merchandising them near the register and gift-packaging displays. You can even offer a free greeting card with purchase of (wrapping, ribbon, etc.) and place signage throughout the store that reads, 'Did you remember to buy a greeting card with that?'"
    
    Gift Solutions
    
    That card is often placed on top of a gift, and retailers that offer smaller, lower priced items have the chance to fill that need for shoppers. Colin Littler, marketing director for Design Design, Inc., said soft pastels and cupcakes are perfect for middle-aged to younger women, or more importantly, someone buying for that demographic.
    
    "Gift ceramics with bright dots can be very appealing to males in that same age range and 'bling' items will attract women of all ages," Littler said. "Add a candle assortment with humorous quips to appeal to those who value humor or those in an older demographic who appreciate a loving jab at their age."
    
    Littler said that regardless of the specific item, the customer will appreciate any time you can merchandise the gift packaging presentation with the gift itself. They'll love an easy solution where they can look like they really thought the entire gift all the way through. There are many possibilities - a greeting card and gift tote with a stationery pad or a plate and mug set with matching gift wrap and ribbon choices, etc.
    
    Although you can technically use any wrap for birthday, there is something about a design that really "says birthday" that reels customers in more often then an all occasion design. And even if you are short on retail space, you can still cleverly fit and display gift bags, as when people are in a rush, the gift bag is a quick and easy impulse purchase.
    
    "Cupcakes and sweets are still really popular icons for gifting and unique type treatments that have a retro flair are popular in the market," said Nancy Dickson of The Gift Wrap Co. "I am also seeing a call for gift specific packaging such as bags and boxes sized for technology items like e-readers, iPads - basically i-anything!"
    
    Dickson said that what makes great merchandising is when a retailer shows the same item or design changed ever so slightly to widen the age appeal. For example, changing the ribbons or toppers can take a simple box from the perfect parcel specially wrapped just for Nana to a fantastic gift a tween girl just can't wait to open. This also speaks to budget-conscious shoppers in the market.
    
    Birthday Balloons
    
    Another item that speaks to the budget-conscious birthday shopper and the spirit of celebration are balloons. Betty Vlamis, executive vice president of Pioneer Balloon Co., said that balloons are a form of social expression, and the graphics and messages - on foil balloons especially - can be targeted to capture just the right sentiment for the occasion and for the personality of the recipient.
    
    "People are looking for something that speaks to them and reflects their uniqueness, so retailers should offer balloons that are age-specific or personalized," Vlamis said. "Classic balloon designs retain their popularity because of their universal appeal. These are colorful and have easy-to-read typography and upbeat themes."
    
    She added that cupcakes remain hot for birthday themes, as do other sweets like cake and ice cream, and that dots are always popular, especially when combined with different patterns or designs (like cupcakes).
    
    "Retailers can add a great deal of perceived value when they combine balloons with different products and/or other balloons, enhancing their profitability," Vlamis said. "For example, tie an 18-inch Microfoil into a weighted bow and you have an easy centerpiece or a cash-and-carry offering."
    
    Balloons draw a person's attention to what's being sold within the store, so adding balloons to plush animals or other small gifts makes the gift special, but also enhances the atmosphere in the store.
    
    From displaying cards and gifts to balloons and gift wrap, every bit helps the consumer visualize that complete party package, which can result in complete party profits.
    
    By Abby Heugel
    Managing Editor
    
    Originally posted Wednesday, Sep. 21, 2011
- DIYSEO | Success Story, Greeting Card Company
  - DIYSEO | Success Story: Greeting Card Company found SEO Success Using On-site Techniques
    
    Background
    Noble Works Cards
    
    Starting out with no more than a pencil about 30 years ago, Noble Works Cards is a successful e-commerce cards business. Located in Union City, New Jersey, Noble Works Cards has developed a simple formula that works well for them � creating, publishing, and selling edgy sometimes naughty but always funny greeting cards on nobleworkscards.com.
    
    Challenges
    
    Not only does Noble Works Cards create and print all its greeting cards, but this business prides itself on offering free shipping on each and every card purchased. It was important to continue to be able to advertise this great free shipping promotion as long as the publisher could afford to do so.
    
    Prior to working with DIYSEO, Noble Works had limited familiarity with search engine optimization. The business had plenty of experience working with pay per click programs but wanted to explore other types of online marketing program available beyond PPC. They cited time and resources as a limitation in looking for the right search engine optimization program. Noble Works Cards joined DIYSEO in November 2010 after they found a reference in an SEO newsletter.
    
    Results
    
    "After checking it out and exploring the program, DIYSEO made a lot of sense. The price was right. We went through the steps and started seeing results," said Ron Kanfi, president of Noble Works, Inc.
    
    "DIYSEO has helped us tremendously. When we started, we didn't know much about SEO. We have seen a 30% increase in traffic, as well as an 8 point improvement in average bounce rate. DIYSEO is definitely a large contributor in the success we've seen over the past year," said Kanfi about the positive impact that DIYSEO has had on business.
    
    Kanfi also talked about how DIYSEO has been a direct and easy learning process. He said, "DIYSEO provides a great way for us to easily learn and implement SEO components onto the many pages of the website. It's straightforward and easy to follow. Give me what I need to know, and I can do it on my own� it's a great tool to learn the basics, and if nothing else we realize how much more is out there that can be done to increase sales and traffic."
    
    Regarding where the business sees itself in the future, Kanfi said, "From where we are now, the technical implementation of specific on-site tasks is one area that we will always need to continue to work on. We are always looking to improve to the website because you are never completely finished with SEO. Once you get past the basics, there is still always something more you can be doing."
    
    Want to learn more about the DIYSEO solution? Start your Free Trial today!
    
    Wondering how well your website is doing with SEO? Get a Free Report from our SEO Report Card!
- NJ.Com | NobleWorks Inappropriate Cards
  - NJ.Com | Hokey holidays: Nobleworks Inappropriate Cards
    
    Published: Thursday, December 20, 2007, 6:46 AM Updated: Thursday, December 20, 2007, 6:48 AM
    Judy DeHaven By Judy DeHaven
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    At NobleWorks, a greeting card company in Hoboken, the staff measures its success by the flow of outraged complaint letters.
    
    "If we don't get hate mail in a week or a month, we start to think we're doing something wrong," said Ron Kanfi, the company's president.
    
    Cards from NobleWorks skewer most ethnic, religious and alternative lifestyle groups, as well as some other species. The resulting letters come from all corners; the company has framed an open letter from the Catholic League that singles out NobleWorks as "arguably the worst offender" for greeting cards that obscenely portray Christmas.
    
    But Kanfi, who has been associated with NobleWorks since 1983, is not out to alienate the entire marketplace.
    
    "We have a very specific niche, which is edgy humor, and it's how we survived," said Kanfi, 46, who shares his office with his dog, Sparky, a Bichon Frise. "The real challenge for us is getting through the censorship of the big box stores and reaching the consumer who wants our product."
    
    That's where the company's latest venture, which started in October, comes into play. Through its Web site, www.nobleworkscards.com, shoppers can order and customize dozens of cards from the company's inventory of roughly 1,500 greeting cards.
    
    Certain Noble holiday cards also are available at Barnes & Noble stores, as well as independent card shops.
    
    Kanfi said the business introduces as many as 500 new designs each year, but simultaneously discontinues roughly the same amount. Some of the cartoon cards are done by artists whose work appears regularly in the New Yorker.
    
    A privately held company founded by Christopher Noble, who died in 2001, NobleWorks has branched out into posters, magnets and calendars.
    
    The company does about a third of its business during the Christmas season, but Kanfi said by this time of year, he's already working on designing cards for the 2008 holidays.
    
    The company has secured a licensing deal with Elvis' estate, and cards featuring him will debut next year.
    
    Letters from the King's fans are likely sure to follow.
- San Francisco Chronicle | NobleWorks Agreement
  - San Francisco Chronicle | NobleWorks Cards Signs Agreement For "Weeds" License
    
    PRWeb
    Published 4:00 a.m., Sunday, February 27, 2011
    New York, NY (PRWEB) February 27, 2011
    
    Showtime Networks Inc., in partnership with CBS Consumer Products, has entered into a licensing agreement with NobleWorks for a line of greeting cards featuring imagery from the Showtime original series "Weeds."
    
    Entering its seventh season this year, "Weeds" is about a pot-selling single mom who dodges disaster but has a special talent for manipulating her friends, her family and the law. NobleWorks has been granted the rights for "Weeds" greeting cards in the U.S., U.K., Canada and Australia.
    
    "After months of waiting to launch, we excited to roll out this potent card collection," states Ron Kanfi, president of NobleWorks. "We hope these cards will put a smile on people's faces!"
    
    The initial launch of "Weeds" cards will make their debut at the National Stationery Show in NYC in May. They're sure to be a hit!
That's What We Say - Press Releases
- Hurricane Sandy Fundraiser
  - Help NobleWorks Raise Money for Hurricane Sandy Victims
    NobleWorks Cards is looking to raising $10,000 for Hurricane Sandy victims.
    
    Hoboken, NJ (PRWEB) Nov. 16, 2012
    
    NobleWorks Cards seeks to raise $10,000 to help victims of Hurricane Sandy. NobleWorks' office in New Jersey was spared from the damage of the storm that pounded the east coast, but many others were not as fortunate, which moved the company to start a fundraiser.
    
    Hurricane Sandy was one of the biggest storms to ever hit the east coast leaving people without power, gas, food, clothing and homes. Even though it has been two weeks since the storm passed, many areas still have not recovered.
    
    According to the Huffington Post, at least 121 people have perished in the storm, which caused an estimated $50 billion in property damage and economic losses and ranks as one of the most destructive natural disasters to hit the U.S. Northeast.
    
    Ron Kanfi, president of NobleWorks Cards, wanted to take this opportunity to ask friends, family, customers and supporters of NobleWorks Cards to donate to the NobleWorks online fundraiser so NobleWorks can donate the directly to local charities in the area most at need.
    
    People can donate directly to the NobleWorks fund online at FundRazr, an online fundraising website.
    
    Direct Link: FundRazr
- Take As Needed Cards: Just What the Doctor Ordered
  - NobleWorks' New "Take As Needed" Cards Are Just What the Doctor Ordered
    New "TAN" line is the prescription for healthy sales.
    
    Hoboken, NJ (PRWEB) May 28, 2012
    
    NobleWorks has concocted a hilarious new line of medication-themed greeting cards called "Take As Needed" (TAN), featuring a variety of funny pharmaceuticals indicated for numerous everyday occasions.
    
    This sick new line includes nine eye- and pill-popping designs that are formulated with just the right amount of wrong ingredients to cure conditions such as old age (Geezerall 40), birthday (Fanphen, Slomax ER and Kisaprinse), engagement (Blingulair XL), congratulations (Congratulex), thank you (Tanxamill), graduation (Graduex) and, of course, get well (Getwelbutrin).
    
    Each card's cover features a colorful blisterpack of "medications" and lists their active ingredients; inside verses are accompanied by warnings, common side effects and doctor recommendations. Caution: there is no antidote for these addictive cards!
    
    All "Take As Needed" http://goo.gl/vAz6B cards are printed on demand in the U.S. using recycled paper and retail for $2.95.
- Christmas Catalog Leaves Customers Speechless
  - NobleWorks' Christmas 2012 Catalog Leaves Customers Speechless
    NobleWorks' latest wholesale catalog features hundreds of hilarious new and used cards for the holiday season.
    
    Hoboken, NJ (PRWEB) April 02, 2012
    
    We can't keep silent about http://www.NobleWorksCards.com 's outrageously funny new Christmas 2012 Catalog. The just-released 48-page wholesale catalog features a whopping 160 brand-new humorous cards for Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving and New Year's, as well as many customer favorites making a comeback this holiday season. New designs are clearly denoted, as are returning best-sellers (for those who like hanging with the popular crowd). There's even a page showing the "Best of the Worst" ... because NobleWorks will print almost anything!
    
    Included in NobleWorks' wholesale Christmas 2012 Catalog are a sleigh-load of humorous holiday cartoons from many of today's top cartoonists. There are numerous new additions to the company's uber-popular "Talk Bubbles" line and an expanded lineup of the recently introduced retro "Rabbit Ears" series. Also new is a collection of Christmas and Halloween cards featuring the work of erotic-art illustrator Michael Broderick. All cards retail for $2.95 and are printed on demand in the U.S. using renewable source and recycled paper.
- NobleWorks Adds Cartoonists to Humorous Lineup
  - NobleWorks Adds Cartoonists To Humorous Card Lineup
    Hilarious new greeting cards feature the wacky artwork of cartoonists Maria Scrivan and David Skidmore
    Union City, NJ (PRWEB) June 18, 2012
    
    NobleWorks has added several hilarious new cartoons from the creative, crazy minds of illustrators Maria Scrivan and David Skidmore to its recent introduction of humorous everyday greeting cards.
    
    The six new birthday cards from Maria Scrivan feature deceptively cute illustrations that set up some super-clever jokes � from bunny slippers that multiply in the closet to Rapunzel losing her hair extensions. David Skidmore's "Sweet & Sour" cartoons appear on six new birthday cards and one anniversary card. His unique illustrative style offers an in-your-face attitude towards aging, with messages such as "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm one of the bitches."
    
    Scrivan and Skidmore are among the latest to join the NobleWorks family of wacky cartoonists � which includes Tim Whyatt, Scott Metzger, Stan Eales, Tom Cheney, Glenn McCoy, John Billette and many others. Each of these artists brings just the right amount of "crazy" to NobleWorks' card lineup.
    
    All of the hysterical new cards from Scrivan and Skidmore include full-color illustrations on the inside that continue the laugh-out-loud gags � and add more bang for the buck. These cards are printed on demand in the U.S. using recycled paper and retail for $2.95.
- Cardstore Brings Big Laughs to Birthdays
  - Cardstore Brings Big Laughs to Birthdays with New Collections
    Funny birthday cards just got funnier on Cardstore.com
    
    "We are always adding freshness and variety to our line-up and we are very excited to be introducing these hilarious brands to our offering"
    
    Cleveland, OH (PRWEB) May 08, 2012
    
    Consumers know to visit Cardstore.com, from the American Greetings Corporation (NYSE: AM) family of brands, to find the perfect personalized greetings to surprise family and friends, and now the site offers the biggest laughs as well. Cardstore has introduced all-new funny birthday cards to their eclectic online boutique including hilarious and outrageous designs from brands like, justWink, Celeb-grey, Nobleworks, Amy Smyth Made It, and many more.
    
    The new humor collections include something for every taste � from those that prefer their laughs more lighthearted to those that love something a little more absurd � so consumers are sure to find a funny birthday card that will make anyone in their address book laugh out loud on their big day.
    
    "We are always adding freshness and variety to our line-up and we are very excited to be introducing these hilarious brands to our offering," says Elizabeth Draeger, senior product manager at Cardstore. "Anyone who likes to send a laugh along with their birthday wishes will love these new greetings. We can�t wait for consumers to check them out and start sending them to family and friends."
    
    Cardstore offers more than 9,500 greeting card designs for users to personalize with favorite photos, heartfelt messages, and even their own signature for the perfect final touch. To check out the wide variety of photo card and greeting card designs perfect for any occasion, visit http://www.cardstore.com.
- NobleWorks has Gone to Pot with New "Weeds" Cards
  - NobleWorks has Gone to Pot with New "Weeds" Cards
    Smoking-hot new licensed line of greeting cards is based on the hit Showtime series.
    
    New York City, NY (PRWEB) May 15, 2011
    
    NobleWorksCards (NobleWorks Inc) is generating tons of buzz with its latest release of the highly anticipated "Weeds" line of 18 greeting cards, featuring the pot-fueled imagery, characters and themes from the popular Showtime original series.
    
    A bit on the edge and borderline legal, this initial roll-out of 18 hilarious cards includes numerous birthday designs as well as one get-well card and one "Grassias" (thank you) card. These cards deliver laugh-your-grass-off messages such as, "An Apple A Day Makes A Great Bong" and "Doobie, Or Not Doobie? What Was The Question Again?"
    
    Entering its seventh season this year, "Weeds" is about a pot-selling single mom, played by Mary-Louise Parker, who dodges disaster but has a special talent for manipulating her friends, her family and the law. NobleWorks' "Weeds" cards feature many of the show's favorite characters, including Nancy, Andy, Silas, Shane and Doug.
    
    NobleWorks' licensing agreement with Showtime Networks Inc., in partnership with CBS Consumer Products, grants NobleWorks the rights for "Weeds" greeting cards in the U.S., U.K., Canada and Australia.
    
    "We're reaching for new highs with our 'Weeds' line," states Ron Kanfi, president of NobleWorks. "We expect these cards to be a big hit!"
    
    All of NobleWorks' new "Weeds" cards retail for $2.95 and are printed on demand in the U.S. using recycled paper. The cards will be available for sale on NobleWorks' website at http://www.nobleworkscards.com/humor-cards-by-line-weeds.html
- NobleWorks Says F.U. to Cancer
  - NobleWorks Says F.U. to Cancer!
    Fifty percent of the proceeds from the company's new "F*** Cancer" cards will be donated to the American Cancer Society and the National Breast Cancer Foundation.
    
    Hoboken, NJ (PRWEB) March 9, 2011
    
    NobleWorks is giving the finger to cancer with the introduction of two "F*** Cancer" cards. Since cancer is really no joke, however, the company is donating 50% of proceeds from the sale of these cards to the American Cancer Society and the National Breast Cancer Foundation.
    
    Blatantly delivering the F-bomb to cancer, these cards are available in two designs - one emblazoned with a pink-ribbon, the other featuring a more masculine, striped pattern. Proceeds from sales of the pink-ribbon card benefit the National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc.; proceeds from sales of the striped card go to the American Cancer Society.
    
    "We believe these cards simply spell out what we all really think and wish to say," says NobleWorks President Ron Kanfi. "I suppose this is one of those situations when using the F word is really the only way to convey one's sentiment." He adds that NobleWorks - known for its irreverent line of humor greeting cards - is "probably the only publisher that can get away with tackling such a sensitive topic in such a blunt manner."
    
    Both cards are blank inside, retail for $2.95, are printed on demand using recycled paper, and are available for immediate delivery. They're available at http://www.NobleWorksCards.com as well as through enGreet at http://www.engreet.com, which offers direct ship and customization of the cards.
- NobleWorks Cards Signs Agreement for "Weeds"
  - NobleWorks Cards Signs Agreement For "Weeds" License
    NobleWorks is rolling out a new licensed line of greeting cards based on the hit Showtime series "Weeds."
    
    New York, NY (PRWEB) February 27, 2011
    
    Showtime Networks Inc., in partnership with CBS Consumer Products, has entered into a licensing agreement with NobleWorks for a line of greeting cards featuring imagery from the Showtime original series "Weeds."
    
    Entering its seventh season this year, "Weeds" is about a pot-selling single mom who dodges disaster but has a special talent for manipulating her friends, her family and the law. NobleWorks has been granted the rights for "Weeds" greeting cards in the U.S., U.K., Canada and Australia.
    
    "After months of waiting to launch, we excited to roll out this potent card collection," states Ron Kanfi, president of NobleWorks. "We hope these cards will put a smile on people's faces!"
    
    The initial launch of "Weeds" cards will make their debut at the National Stationery Show in NYC in May. They're sure to be a hit!
- NobleWorks Cards Partners with Chris March
  - NobleWorksCards.com Partners With Chris March; Outrageous Greeting Cards Showcase "Project Runway" Season 4's Favorite Designer
    NobleWorks takes humor to new heights with the introduction of greeting cards from Chris March Design. Chris March is a New York City-based costume and fashion designer best known as the fan favorite with the big laugh from Season 4 of the television show "Project Runway."
    
    New York, NY (PRWEB) April 15, 2010
    
    The initial launch of eight everyday cards and one Christmas card features full-color photographic images of giant wigs, skyscraping headpieces, outlandish costumes and crazy couture showcasing March's creations of the last 25 years. These outrageous images are paired with humorous messages sure to make people laugh their heads off! The cards sell for $2.95 each and are available at http://www.nobleworkscards.com.
    
    Says March: "I am excited to be working with NobleWorksCards.com on my new line of greeting cards. I love being able to make people laugh and smile, and these will certainly do that! I hope to reach a wide audience of my fans from 'Project Runway,' as well as people who have never seen or heard of me (there must be some somewhere!)." March says that the inspiration for his designs has always been humor. "If a wig is funny when it's two feet tall, why not make it three feet tall? Or ten? When they ask 'How high is your hair?' I say, '...how high is your ceiling?'
    
    About Chris March
    Originally from San Francisco, Chris March is a New York City-based performer, costume designer and fashion designer, now known to millions for his memorable appearance on Season 4 of "Project Runway." After hosting Season 5's Drag Episode and participating in the "Project Runway All-Stars Challenge," March will be hitting the airwaves later this year with his own TV show. Always outrageous, March has a new photographic book of 25 years of costume and fashion design. Entitled "I Heart Chris March," the book ($45, plus s&h) includes a special foreword by Tim Gunn and is available at http://www.chrismarchdesign.com/ilovechrismarch.
    
    About NobleWorks Inc.
    NobleWorks Inc. is celebrating its 30th anniversary in business this year. Known as "The Humor Company," NobleWorks' line includes more than 1,500 everyday and seasonal designs, ranging from slightly silly to somewhat risqu�. NobleWorks' complete product line can be viewed at its website -- http://www.nobleworkscards.com -- where visitors to the site can also access the company's blog as well as send free e-cards. For additional information, please contact NobleWorks at 800-346-6253 or visit http://www.nobleworkscards.com/humor-cards-by-line-chris-march.html.
    
    Chris March Book and Card Signing
    Is May 6 at Rainbows and Triangles Chris March, the New York City-based costume and fashion designer best known as the fan favorite with the big laugh from Season 4 of the television show "Project Runway," will appear at Rainbows and Triangles in Chelsea on Thursday, May 6, from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m., to autograph copies of his new photographic book, "I Heart Chris March," as well as his new line of humorous greeting cards from NobleWorks Inc. Rainbows and Triangles is located at 192 Eighth Ave. in Manhattan.
- A New, Bestseller-to-Be! by NobleWorks' Ron Kanfi
  - "Life Is Like a Box of Dirty Diapers" A New Bestseller-to-Be! Humorous Book Written by NobleWorks' Ron Kanfi
    
    Hot off the press is the new humorous paperback book from Running Press, "Life Is Like a Box of Dirty Diapers: And Other Twisted Truisms" ($9.95 retail). Written by Ron Kanfi, president of the well-known humor company NobleWorks, Inc., "Life is Like a Box of Dirty Diapers" offers 128 pages of spoofs on classic corporate motivational posters.
    
    New York, NY (PRWEB) March 1, 2010
    
    Anything but corporate, this hilarious book features a collection of irreverent parodies that capitalizes on the familiar look and style of the traditional motivational (or demotivational) poster, but its original combination of outrageous text and full-color photos packs a surprising -- and hilarious -- punch. Covering a wide range of topical issues from career to politics, relationships to environmentalism, these parodies may not help people find their true potential, but they will make them laugh out loud!
    
    Among the clever, sometimes off-color, "motivational posters" included in this book are and "Good Will: One that leaves you with a large inheritance," "Economics: The art of deciphering the charges on your phone bill" and "Purpose: Everyone has to have one; mine is watching TV."
    
    Kanfi says that the motivational-poster format lent itself well to many jokes. "It's current and familiar," he explains. "It was a great vehicle to deliver jokes and to comment on day-to-day life situations." Kanfi describes the book as "a fun and entertaining book that's perfect for the coffee table or bathroom," adding, "It's visually appealing and it's hysterical. I haven't met one person who has been able to put it down!"
    
    For more information about the book and to order, please contact Running Press Book Publishers, a member of the Perseus Books Group, at 800-345-5359 or visit http://www.runningpress.com.
- NobleWorks Celebrates 30th Anniversary
  - NobleWorks, Inc. Celebrates 30th Anniversary (But Doesn't Look a Day Over 29)
    What's fun, a little naughty and just turned 30? It's NobleWorks, Inc.! Launched at the National Stationery Show in 1980, this Hoboken, NJ-based line of humor greeting cards has been keeping consumers laughing and retailers smiling for 30 years.
    
    Hoboken, NJ (PRWEB) February 5, 2010
    
    What's fun, a little naughty and just turned 30? It's NobleWorks, Inc.! Launched at the National Stationery Show in 1980, this Hoboken, NJ-based line of humor greeting cards has been keeping consumers laughing and retailers smiling for 30 years.
    
    What's the secret to NobleWorks' and http://www.NobleWorksCards.com longtime success? "Publishing humor that is current and relevant to our customers' lives while continually developing new, updated looks and lines," states Ron Kanfi, who joined NobleWorks soon after its launch and today serves as the company's president and creative director. "Customer relations and rep relations are a top priority as well," he adds.
    
    NobleWorks was founded by Christopher Noble, a house painter, and Jay Purvis, a magazine art director, who started the company in Noble's kitchen with a $400 loan from his mother. The original line of 12 cards was more artsy than edgy, and hand-painted with flat latex paint. (Sadly, both Noble and Purvis eventually succumbed to AIDS.)
    
    Today, NobleWorks, also known as "The Humor Company," features more than 1,500 everyday and seasonal greeting cards designs -- ranging from slightly silly to somewhat risqu� -- including birthday cards, Christmas cards, Valentine cards, Father's Day cards, Mother's Day cards, Graduation cards and more. The company partners with designers and cartoonists worldwide � offering humor greeting cards that feature cartoons from Tim Whyatt, McCoy Bros., Funny Paper and many others. The company's Talk Bubbles line, introduced in 1984, was the industry's first "retro" card concept � combining vintage imagery with hilarious verses. Other popular humor greeting card lines from NobleWorks include Planet Fabulous, Weekly World News, Hot Betty, Spot On Button (cards with removable message buttons) and much more.
    
    In addition to greeting cards, the company offers several of its designs on memo pads and mugs. Also complementing the line are two humorous books authored by Kanfi and published by Running Press, including "Saint Misbehavin': Modern-Day Saints You've Never Heard Of" and "Life Is Like a Box of Dirty Diapers � And Other Twisted Truisms."
    
    Politics, religion and current events are among themes given a humorous � and sometimes controversial � spin at NobleWorks "We're able to adapt the line at a moment's notice to keep it fresh and current," says Kanfi, noting that the company's slogan is "Dare to Laugh."
    
    NobleWorks' complete product line can be viewed at its website � http://www.nobleworkscards.com � where visitors to the site can also access the company's blog as well as send free e-cards. A fully functional wholesale version of the site is soon to be launched.
    
    For more information on NobleWorks' funny greeting cards, please contact the company at 800-346-6253 or visit http://www.nobleworkscards.com.
- Cards That Care-- NobleWorks Helps The Red Cross
  - "Cards that Care" - NobleWorksCards.com Humor Cards Helps The Red Cross Haiti Relief And Development Fund
    
    Noble Works Cards launches a new greeting cards program named "Cards that Care" and will donate 50% of all proceeds from orders placed today through January 31, 2010 to the Red Cross Haiti Relief and Development Fund.
    
    Hoboken, NJ (PRWEB) January 15, 2010
    
    Following the devastating earthquake in Haiti on January 12, NobleWorksCards.com, publisher of humor greeting cards, is committed to aiding in the relief effort to assist survivors and has decided to donate 50% of all proceeds from orders placed today through January 31, 2010 to the Red Cross Haiti Relief and Development Fund.
    
    All one has to do to help is place an order with http://www.nobleworkscards.com for funny humor cards, anytime today through the end of January 2010. "We're hoping to make a truly meaningful contribution to The Red Cross," said Ron Kanfi, president and creative director of NobleWorks, Inc.
    
    Please help spread the word about NobleWorks funny cards and the "Cards that Care" campaign, which will run from now through January 31st.
    
    NobleWorks, Inc has been creating humor content, publishing funny Christmas and birthday greeting cards, edgy humor books, wacky memo pads and other fun products for 30 years. NobleWorks content is outrageously wild, hysterically funny, and sometimes unbelievably naughty.
    
    Ron Kanfi is the owner and creative director of 30-year old NobleWorks, The Humor Company, known around the globe for its humorous and irreverent greeting cards. Always pushing the envelope, NobleWorks cards redefine the edge of sophisticated, sassy, and downright silly fun. For further enlightenment, visit http://www.NobleWorksCards.com. Kanfi also heads Dare To Laugh, LLC, a literary services company specializing in humor content, edgy or otherwise.
    
    Mr. Kanfi is the author of 2 humor books, published by Running Press: 'Saint Misbehavin, Modern-Day Saints You've Never Heard Of' and 'Life is Like a Box of Dirty Diapers and Other Twisted Truisms,' due out March 2010.
That's What You Said - Customer Reviews
- NobleWorks' Customer Reviews
  - "You guys help make an Atheist enjoy the age-old tradition of giving cards!"-- Steve
    
    "Thank-you.... Mentally ill holiday cards are the best...."-- Constance
    
    "MORE FART/POOP CARDS!"-- Matthew
    
    "My hubby received the card 'St. Dude.' I couldn't get to your web site fast enough. So glad I did!"-- Noela
    
    "Love your cards - a real hit at parties!"-- Judith
    
    "Thank you! I love this card!! lol...."-- Margaret
    
    "My first visit to this site, and it is so fun!!!!!"-- Patricia
    
    "Please make sure card is wrapped in an envelope or something so my wife doesn't see what she is getting. Thank you"-- Chad
    
    "Thank you for your very helpful and nice customer service. I spoke to a very nice young girl when I called."-- Christine
    
    "OMG! I laughed so hard trying to pick these cards out.. I actually sent a few to friends who I knew where having a bad day.... The website for me was almost overwhelming with ALL the hysterical stuff you offer, very funny, thank you..."-- N/A
    
    "LOVE YOUR CARDS!!!!"-- Reagan
    
    "I cannot believe how HARD it is to place an order! I got 8 cards and all the time when I went to order more, it said I had 2.It took me 1 1/2 hours to get the 8 cards!!! Your web site is awful.Still have to order 3 more cards on another order"-- Denise P
    
    "Leave on the front porch if not home."-- Tom
    
    "This order is one of two. I cannot even begin to tell you the things I experienced on your ordering web site. I almost gave up the order"-- Denise P
    
    "Thanks!"-- Justin
    
    "PS.. your cards are great!"-- Bryan
    
    "The cards are great, there is something for everyone."-- Robert
    
    "Thanks!"-- Angela
    
    "I can't wait I love sending my family cards for every occasion, they like it better then gifts because they never know what there going to get. thanks I'll be back"-- Phil
    
    "Enlarging the card to be able to read was a nice addition to your site."-- Harold
    
    "You have the greatest cards on the planet. could you give me a job?"-- Ellen
    
    "Birthday card for my gay brother, Davie. Happy 30th, Richard."-- Joshua
    
    "Please send ASAP"-- Melissa
    
    "Shopping here is such a pleasure. All the cards have me laughing, at the very least grinning from ear to ear, and who doesn't enjoy that?? Glad to see new cards and e-cards, too. Thank you for providing high quality paper, color, very reasonable prices, and very creative content!"-- Renee
    
    "Great fun cards!!"-- Darlene
    
    "I don't like this site."-- Tenor
    
    "Thanks for making a slow Friday fun!"-- Glenn
    
    "Love your cards, and my neighbor is going to start buying them your to good thanks"-- Phillip
    
    "Best selection of cards anywhere thank you."-- Brian
    
    "Need cards by This Friday - Thanks"-- Daniel
    
    "I had to get your this card. I laughed when I saw this. I love You. Teresa"-- Teresa
    
    "Website is not efficient, too time consuming, not convenient or easy to navigate- Difficult to go back to where you were swiftly after you add something to your cart!"-- Bernadette
    
    "Website freezes after every interaction. Need to fix that. Also need more updated Christmas cards. Seems like the same ones from last year"-- Joan Denoncour
    
    "Love your stuff! I'm buying these for a girl friend about to start chemo. Would like to see more snarky girl cards blank inside. The one with the gal drinking water wishing it was wine! awesome. My friend has to drink 1 gallon of water a day. and NO wine for the duration."-- Dawn
    
    "Must receive these cards by Monday Tuesday the latest."-- Clint
    
    "Another huge order! Could you tell HOW MUCH I love your cards? OMG! Seriously fantastic! Thank you for continuing to provide quality products that are appropriate for SO many occasions."-- Renee
    
    "You have the funniest cards ever!"-- Lindsay
    
    "I will never do this again even though the cards are great."-- Nikki
    
    "You are the greatest card company. I wish you were near me so I could work for you. Yes, I'm demented! Thanks, Sam."-- Samuel
    
    "You guys ROCK..! Would LOVE to see more"Thinking Of You"cards...Or"Just 'Cause..".."LOVE...(blank)..."Kind of stuff"-- Tina
    
    "I'm glad to see you have secured your checkout options!"-- Jon
    
    "If the inside greeting could be changed to 'We are not alone this Christmas' that would be great. Otherwise ship 'em."-- Thomas
    
    "I like the new website much easier to navigate"-- Margaret
    
    "Happy Birthday, Ron!"-- MW
    
    "Have a wonderful Holiday Season and keep up the GREAT WORK !!!"-- James
    
    "Thank You..Great Cards!"-- Cal
    
    "I wish you guys had multipacks of"straight-to-hell humor"cards for Christmas. I could buy everything on this site, I love it so much!"-- Heath
    
    "These cards are so funny!!! I am still laughing!!!"-- Teresa H
    
    "Finally decided to go with this, Adam. Thank You!"-- Ronald
    
    "I would love for you to offer your birthday cards as boxes as well. I was introduced to your cards years ago working at a gift store and I love them. Another company used to sell a funny card, it had the year on it and it had options to check off like '2012' Happy Birthday, Congrats, I Love You, Merry Christmas, Just Because. They don't have it any more. Thought it was something that you might be interested in making. / / Thanks."-- Tara
    
    "Thanks Ron! Happy birthday. Thank you for your service."-- Amy
    
    "My husband's birthday is Tuesday, December 6th. Is it possible that I could receive the card that I am purchasing by Tuesday, December 6th? I am awaiting an order in the mail from you, but didn't notice the card I am purchasing until I had already placed my order. Thank you."-- Kerry
    
    "I keep buying your ^$&%# cards. Damn you Go Comics!"-- Lewis
    
    "Please send asap. Thank you very much,"-- Bonnie
    
    "Your cards are hilarious, but your web site tends to freeze very easily."-- Elle
    
    "Hi, sorry, I would have loved to have bought more but as I mentioned in my feedback, the site just doesn't respond well at all. (I don't have any other internet site issues.) Love the merchandise!"-- Angela
    
    "Website is painfully slow. I hope it's because tons of people are buying your great cards. Very funny stuff and great company."-- Rick
    
    "It would be great to have Friendship cards rather than so many birthday cards. I have dozens of friends I would love to send your cards to on an every day basis."-- Ray
    
    "I wish you would sell John Callahan postcards! Can't find them anywhere anymore.... :("-- Susan
    
    "You guys make the 'horrordays' merry and bright!"-- Corinda
    
    "My 81 year old Mother and I love your naughty cards!!! Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!! Lynnette & Dee Rathel"-- Doris
    
    "Another dedicated customer!"-- Tekla
    
    "Took longer than anticipated. Lots to review. Wish some cards were easier to read"-- Mario Shu
    
    "My friends and family just love my crazy cards every Christmas!!! So much fun in a stressful season!"-- Renee
    
    "Could use another angry unicorn sitting."-- Lee
    
    "Personal contact when I had questions."-- jbabl
    
    "Excellent, the best service, the best value, the best way to spend a Fri night..."-- eegjayne
    
    "Love the cards ! Great selection, quality and easy to use. Recommend."-- Steve K
    
    "Delivers on time, checks orders and notifies you about potential errors"-- jstermer
    
    "Great selection of cards and easy ordering."-- fliteking
    
    "Super easy to browse and to checkout"-- Joshua R
    
    "Simple and cost efficient!!!"-- n219dg
    
    "AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"-- BobandClint
    
    "I love this company and their hilarious cards!"-- lonelysatellite
    
    "Fun cards. I try to buy all of my cards at Noble. Great prices!"-- lovaast
    
    "Excellent experience."-- hsargous
    
    "Great website, easy navigation, excellent product!"-- Gail-Jon
    
    "Good product, quick turn around, always have a discount code"-- Evie Kelly
    
    "One of the few places to find clever cards"-- Collbride
    
    "NobleWorks Cards has been my Go To card shop for several years now. Their cards are funny, high quality, inexpensive, and delivered to my door. NobleWorks makes card giving fun."-- Smayfellow
    
    "Good variety to choose from, good prices + free shipping makes a huge difference! Quick service."-- Tracykadio
    
    "I have been very happy with every order I placed with Noble Works; their cards are fantastic and their service is commendable!"-- Leimeter
    
    "This site has the most awesome cards you could ever ask for!"-- SignofKaos
    
    "Always FAST SHIPPING. GREAT DISCOUNTS. New items regularly. GREAT CUSTOMER SERVICE...!"-- Tina4659
    
    "Free shipping and always a discount price."-- Louisehornyak
    
    "Good merchandise"-- eeh0615
    
    "Funny Cards. I buy from here each year."-- Snydogg
    
    "No problems."-- Mflip
    
    "They are my favorite site for Christmas and funny cards!"-- Lindy_rn
    
    "So far, I'm extremely pleased"-- Krushgrapes
    
    "I thought the website was easy to use and they have a large selection"-- eighty8kez
    
    "Easy transaction and searching"-- Slouchy
    
    "I love this website! totally unique items and reasonably priced."-- misselizabethmeza
    
    "Always really great cards."-- salnjudy
    
    "2nd time I have ordered, the cards are always a big hit! Quality of the cards is excellent."-- larquin
    
    "Funny, creative offerings for sale"-- corradski
    
    "Very distinct products"-- edougla2
    
    "Great cards"-- nancyjesse
    
    "Always have a good time going over the cards. Makes Christmas and birthdays a snap."-- icegoalie
    
    "So far so good"-- pookieginger
    
    "Great selection!"-- Patricetraina
    
    "I've had great service on a great product."-- Amy
    
    "I've shopped here for the last 2 holidays for my greeting cards"-- StephanieGaxiola
    
    "Great Cards"-- rsavas4
    
    "Best selection of cards that I have ever seen. I have shopped this merchant before with no problems."-- slmelod
    
    "Noble Works has an excellent selection of cards that are generally only found in small boutiques."-- dkellyhumphries
    
    "This site is easy to use and has a wide selection of humorous cards for a variety of audiences"-- mnahodil
    
    "Very friendly web site."-- scott.joynt
    
    "Quick and easy."-- bobmc1242
    
    "Very funny and unique stuff!"-- elottier
    
    "Finally, a website with really great cards!"-- bparra108
    
    "Great Xmas cards"-- marybradley01
    
    "Great cards..just what I was looking for!"-- craftylady7
    
    "The site makes sifting thru choices easy and the 12 card bundle prices are great. Excellent selection of naughty and nice cards for all occasions. I am going to be a regular customer."-- john.knaus
    
    "The cards look really good!"-- bschaltz
    
    "Love this merchant!"-- fcdigital
    
    "I have been a fan for years."-- fizzygiggle
    
    "Great products, fast service, free shipping, discounts.. What else could I ask for?"-- krfitzy
    
    "The sense of humor used in these cards fits my family to a t."-- bshughes57
    
    "It's the only place to get those funny holiday cards that everyone remembers!"-- jmichael
    
    "Love the site and ease of navigation."-- divetwin
    
    "I use them repeatedly."-- jrbaum1
    
    "Great Cards!"-- wright.douglas
    
    "Great selection and great prices. Love that it's POD on recycled paper."-- lynrundell
    
    "A wide selection of great cards. Do not have cards yet"-- rrucier
    
    "Great selection of funny Christmas cards."-- jallen
    
    "Happy with the site"-- DC
    
    "Love the selection!"-- tntreah
    
    "CARDS ARE VERY HUMOROUS, ALTHOUGH SOME TOO RISQUE FOR LITTLE OLD LADIES!"-- Eyebrarrow
    
    "I love NobleWorks."-- daduwa
    
    "Too easy to buy - too, too easy. Heaven help my credit card..."-- lynnette.martin
    
    "Well designed site. Graphics are terrific. Easy, intuitive shopping experience."-- kdonn63
    
    "Very easy process. Easy page layout to review the items"-- jncc1993
    
    "Awesome. Funny and easy. Nice break :)"-- elgatomuyloco
- NobleWorks' Alexa Reviews
  - NobleWorks Alexa Reivews
    
    "Lots of choices, with different kinds of humor for different kinds of people. Great humorous cards for every occasion and every age group!"-- Rhia P
    
    "Love these cards, and I buy them really often. Free shipping is good, and there are coupons on retailmenot too. definitely recommend"-- Brittanyjae
    
    "These cards make me laugh every time. I recommend them to everyone and anyone"-- Caroliet098
    
    "I was looking for some cards with adult humor (but not X-rated) and this website had just what I wanted. The prices were pretty good too."-- pandamanda
    
    "this site has great cards for people like me with a slightly twisted sense of humor. I can't find these cards anywhere else, and I am grateful that the site has everything I need."-- evilrobot
    
    "I bought the best Christmas cards of my life from here. When you deal with websites and dependencies, trust is necessary. They've got my trust. Great service. Its time for you people to experience the same. Cheers!"-- Wemakeit
    
    "Made it that much easier to find what I wanted. I loved the humor cards. Good content inside. Loved it! I highly recommend you to check it out. God bless!"-- Foronce
    
    "Finally a good place. also, helpful and useful site, easy to navigate. Those wonderful greeting cards has to be my favorite now. Simply rocking. If you're not going through, you're missing something."-- loveisdivine
    
    "Great stuff...lots of fun. I enjoyed their funny adult cards :D Recommended!"-- Vanessa M.
    
    "Looking for hilarious greeting cards? That's the place to go! Thousands of cards to choose from. When I am bored, I log in to NobleWorks to check on their cards and it really cheers me up. The site is very easy to navigate, and is quite fast too. You can find the type of card you are looking for in seconds (Birthday, Halloween, Christmas, etc). They have free e-cards, and the"naughty cards"section is definitely worth a visit!!"-- Yvancg
    
    "I will buy again for my business . thanks"-- Kevenbeck
    
    "is the best"-- visitors
    
    "I love shopping."-- peter009
    
    "Yes Cool!"-- christopher88
    
    "good design!"-- avakonrobot
    
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    "Me and my friend love all their cards. This time in we booked 2 orders from seeing it in the site. I highly recommend that to all age peoples looking for high quality and better cards. Try it just once if need be."-- Wallace y.
    
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    "GREAT STORE....... The owner is the best and the staff is so friendly and helpful...."-- Reba m.
    
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    "I normally NEVER submit online reviews regarding products, but this time I had to... NobleWorks cards are the BEST!!!! That is the bottom line. I ordered my birthday cards and not only was the design beautiful and reasonably priced, but the shipment arrived early! I was so impressed! Looking forward to doing business with you next year."-- cecilyvz
    
    "I found some of the funniest birthday jokes and cards I have ever seen on this site. Great cards better than any other out there, very good prices, quick delivery and free shipping. Super service!"-- unutedgamerz
    
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    "I received my 250 New year's Cards by UPS yesterday! Wow, only three days from when I place my order. Good work, guys! It has been a real pleasure doing business with you and your cards are just what we wanted. Thanks!"-- agvantati
    
    "NobleWorks cards has saved us money on birthday cards for our employees. We used to spend quite a bit more ordering cards for only 2 occasions (birthdays and New Years). We can now order cards for valentine and other occasions due to the price difference. I appreciate the fact that even though the price is lower than many other vendors, the quality is still great, and the shipping is free. Keep up with the good work!"-- clarke85
    
    "I used to order cards from other companies but since I found your cards, I'm ordering from you. I found the cards are funny, unique, high quality and a variety in the selection which I appreciate. All this and a reasonable price. Can't beat it. Thanks!"-- wifila7
    
    "Thanks for such fast action. You really know how to win new customers over. We look forward to buy new funny birthday cards from you! Awesome quality, awesome prices, awesome deals! I highly recommend NobleWorks Cards."-- susanmil
    
    "Hmm so this is the first time I have visited NobleWorks cards. Christmas is coming so it was usual as every year to send early cards so I searched in Google for latest cards and landed here, believe me I am very happy with their services and appreciate their support for answering my silly questions. But it was worth it and I would like to let everyone know that their support team is awesome and they went en extra mile to make sure our account information is safe and processed behind a highly secure payment processing gateway, that's what I liked most about them. Apart from that their cards are very cheap and I was very surprised to read about the free shipping! I have placed my 2 set of order for Christmas, I hope to get it tomorrow. So far I am happy with their customer support and services. Overall I would give them 5/5."-- sallygrove
    
    "Just stopped here to share this fast loading website, I have slow 256 kbps internet and get annoyed when I have to wait 5-10 minutes before a site loads up but this website so far is the fastest website and I can change pages easily. I will give it 9.5 out of 10 for it's fast response time."-- randalldejesus
    
    "Seriously their Retro section is great food for our mind. I hope most of the guys know what do I mean :-D If not just go ahead and have a look. Trust me you'll love it like I do."-- gloriabarnes
    
    "I am very happy today with their service, truly quick delivery and that also for free? It makes them the best among all other card suppliers and to show my love I have chosen them as a lifetime card supplier. I hope they can always make me feel great like this time. Thanks a lot Nobleworks cards team."-- evasmith
    
    "LMAO what can I say, I have just visited their website. Since then I am still laughing and can't stop myself really great jokes. Many thanks for such a great laugh. Just placed my first order and was very happy with the quotes I mean WOW! so much for pennies. Thank you very much."-- sandywozniak
    
    "Hey friends, STOP! I know we all use internet to wish our loved one's happy birthday, marriage wish and a lot of other happy wishes so today I am sharing my top secret which I use to impress my friends. Yes, you guessed it right it's NobleWorks cards why? Because they are the best and have best price even a 5th grade student can afford it. So what are you waiting for? Just go ahead and impress your friends and family members with greeting cards, jokes, text from NobleWorks cards."-- rickywilson
    
    "I am very impressed with the cards available at NobleWorksCards. Really great work done by them, tomorrow is Christmas and I have just placed an order for 1600 cards and will you believe it was only $2.95? Truly great deals for every occasion. I highly recommend them."-- robertalcantara
    
    "I like its content. It shows very good jokes and cards so I will give it more then five stars. I like the quality of images, overall a great site. 5 Start from me for it's great and regularly updated content. Please keep it updated :-)"-- rlsarenehanr
    
    "I saw a place where publishing and printing funny cards is the main business. Here, unusual humor and irony are practically a religion, in fact, sarcastic funny birthday poems often make it into our prayers, give it a try..."-- kokoarena
- NobleWorks' Saint Misbehavin' Book Reviews
  - Saint Misbehavin': Modern-Day Saints You've Never Heard Of
    
    "NobleWorks is a greeting card company run by Ron Kanfi, and they've always made the funniest cards in the business. This hilarious book by Mr. Kanfi is no exception. I found myself laughing out loud with every page. It pokes fun at the pantheon of Christian saints, making up its own silly names. It would make a great gift for a college student or anyone looking for a laugh."-- Matthew K
    
    "Topical, funny, and just a little blasphemous, this is a great book that's sure to bring a smile to everyone's face -- even the Pope! Ron Kanfi's writing is razor-sharp, and the illustrations are hilarious."-- Scott N.
    
    "I am into hagiography (the life of Saints), but never imagine this could be such a fun subject for a book! Very creative and highly recommended... especially to fervent Catholics ;) AT"-- LenAZ"Len"
    
    "Totally great!"-- Michael F
    
    "Well now I have a reason to go to church...I must confess how much delight this book gave me being a Catholic girl and going to parochial school...some of these saints reminded me of the nuns and priest and their secret personalities!! Two very enthusiastic robes up....I mean thumbs!!"-- Catherine G.
    
    "Very funny, irreverent as it is. Some 'saints' are a little risque, so be warned. Give one to your favorite lapsed Catholic, though you don't have to be Catholic to laugh at these modern day saints."-- edriejk
    
    "Excellent Fun book, bought more than one for Xmas presents."-- Rebja
    
    "I've purchased a copy for myself and am passing it around to my mostly Catholic friends. Must read for everyone!!!"-- Nikhilboorla
    
    "Great fun, clever, witty, a little sarcastic, and a delight. Bought many as gifts and all were very well received...."-- PJ Howard
    
    "Kanfi took me on a spiritual journey like I've never been before. His saintly bios made me raise my hands and scream Alleluiah!!"-- Mark Hartnett
    
    "A great book! You don't even have to be Catholic to enjoy it! NobleWorks always delivers funny stuff."-- D. Collins
    
    "I needed a good laugh..and that's what I got from page 1 of this book. I was shocked to find that several of my friends are saints. Living in Los Angeles, I know many people that could be St. Sheila, the patron saint of Botox Injections! I roared!"-- Sue K.
    
    "I had originally gotten this book as a gift for a friend, but I liked it so much that I had to get one for myself as well. This is a funny and witty book that is in a category of its own. I've never seen something like this before. Trust me, it won't just be sitting on your coffee. Once you pick it up, you have to read through it. It's too funny to put down."-- Morgan SG
    
    "Who said saints were holier than thou? Whether you're a Catholic, a Buddhist, an atheist or an agnostic, I dare you to not giggle at this collection of crazy saints that are modernized and misbehaving' up a storm. I bought this book for a gal pal of mine who is obsessed with patron saints and she hasn't stopped laughing since. I give it 5 saintly stars."-- Sassy Sammy
    
    "So I saw this on Noble Works while surfing their site and getting some cards and let me just say that when I saw this, I HAD to get it! My boyfriend is a strict Christian and even he had a laugh at this! This is highly recommended! Btw, NobleThanks25 gives people a 25% discount on Noble Works! ;D Enjoy!"-- RinChan
    
    "We are all lead to believe that Saint can't misbehave, that's what I thought anyway, until now, because after reading the very amusing and funny book I had to change my mind. This book was very entertaining and very nice to read, it made me laugh and it made me think at the same time, when you'll read it you'll know what I am talking about."-- Mr. Romolo Lerza
    
    "This book is full of hilarious illustrations alongside incredibly witty writing. If you enjoy laughing by yourself, with your friends, or on the toilet, I'd highly recommend this book!"-- Kevin Tran
    
    "This little book is full of witty, topical humor. It fuses the concept of Catholic saints with modern-day stereotypes. I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a quick, laugh-out-loud read."-- Jack Roeder
    
    "I enjoyed this book - very light and breezy and full of fun. A pantheon of saints for the new age. Now if only the Vatican would adopt ... ."-- Farrington
    
    "This book is more than just a witty read. The artwork on each page is absolutely magnificent. They've spared no expense on the quality of the printing, so it's worth every cent. It's the kind of thing you can have lying around on the coffee table as a conversation piece"-- Tim Whyatt
    
    "If you need a good laugh buy this book and send a copy to all your friends. Ron is chronically funny with a dollop of irreverence just for good measure."-- Lisa H.
    
    "I started reading the book at the kitchen table. My snickers grew louder and more intense. Since I'm not an easily laugh, my Irish Catholic mother inquired what was prompting the humor. I told her it was a book about modern day saints, but I didn't think she'd appreciate it because it, umm, could offend. I surrendered the book and she gasped, turned more pages, gasped again, turned more pages, giggled, more, laughed, more and then exploded with mirth. Then, gathering herself with the proper decorum, she snapped the book shut. There was silence. A very long pause was interrupted as she asked if I thought Aunt Kay and Aunt Pat would appreciate it. I assured her they would. I know well that in order to keep my own copy, I shall have to reorder multiples. Wickedly, it's now on my Christmas list as an item of both shock and awe. I cannot wait to share the laughs and imagine the gasps. Yes, it's absolutely that good."-- S.Morrison
    
    "Fortunately, no. But this is good clean fun, beautifully realized in a neat little, high-quality book."-- S.D.Thompson
    
    "Great for parties, gifts, coffee tables, bathrooms... Lots of smiles and laughs in this delightful book on, shall we say, lesser-known saints? A little naughty, yes. But lots of harmless fun!"-- Susan B.
    
    "You might have never heard of these saints before but I guarantee you that you will find the saint that you could relate to. This book is for those who have misbehaved in the past. Or for those of you who are still misbehaving...very funny, highly recommended!"-- Kyusung
    
    "This is a laugh out loud book. It's clever, timely and does not disappoint. It's the perfect gift - so I'll be buying another, and another, and another!"-- Deborah Levin
    
    "Who knew religion could be so fun? First God gave us the gift of laughter, now Ron Kanfi re-gifts. This book should be in every Vatican bathroom (and yours too!)"-- Steven K.
    
    "This book is clever and extremely funny. I've given it to 2 relatives who had spent their childhoods in the Catholic church, and needless to say some serious laughing occurred. Thanks for a wonderful book!"-- DeeDee
    
    "Saint Misbehaving is beautifully crafted with color and foil and the text is just great fun. There is indeed a patron saint for all of us! Great gift idea, especially for Catholic school grads!"-- Kara
    
    "NobleWorks does it again!!! Everyone needs a good laugh and this book gives it to you! A great buy for a friend or to have handy when you have company over. You'll be rolling on the floor for sure!!!!!!"-- N.Beer
    
    "Beautifully bound and illustrated. Looks like the real thing! Tempted to take and read during Mass......sure the priest would like it, too! Good laughs. Plan to leave out, so company can appreciate. Need to check out his other works. Recommend"highly", in reference to St. Dude!"-- Katie1977
    
    "Finally, a Good Book that makes the Catholic Church seem contemporary. By wrapping sinful behavior in Saints' clothing, Ron Kanfi will have you laughing all the way to confession. There aren't enough stars in Heaven for this one."-- John K.
    
    "This book is hilarious! I went to Catholic School, and I recognize a lot of these characters from my childhood, but the updated saints are much cooler. I showed the book to my friends, and we picked out a"saint"for each of us. I'm"Saint Dude"and my best friend is"St. Marcus the Moocher."My girlfriend isn't Catholic, but she's totally"St. Carl@Crackberry."I think I'm going to give this book out next Christmas!"-- nyBookMan
- "Life is Like a Box of Dirty Diapers" Book Reviews
  - Life Is Like a Box of Dirty Diapers: And Other Twisted Truisms
    
    "This book is hilarious! From cover to end, every pictures and captions are so funny. Simply clever. Highly recommended!"-- Kyusung
    
    "Get ready to laugh until you pee your pants! (well not really but you could possibly because it is that funny) Ron has done it again--this book does not disappoint."-- N.Beer
    
    "this is a very funny book, spoofing those sickening"motivational posters you see in corporate offices and"Sky Mall"magazine. If your corporate-lackey-friend is feeling no love in this crappy economy,"life is like a box of dirty diapers"will make a great gift."-- MK
    
    "Inspired by motivational posters, this book is full of satirical humor that pokes fun at the average American's everyday life. Clever and topical, this book has something in it for everyone."-- Jack R.
    
    "Someone bought this book for me and it took me several days to actually pick it up and read. Once I did I couldn't stop reading or laughing! It's now on my coffee table for others to pick up and laugh out loud and they do. It would be impossible to keep a straight face while reading this book. I'm going to buy 10 and put them in my 'gift closet' - no more last minute BAD gifts from me!"-- Deborah L.
    
    "I gave this book to my mother on her birthday and it was a great conversation starter. I would recommend it to anyone."-- F. Aguilar
    
    "I've never been a very motivated person, but somehow I found the inner motivation to pre-order this book, and my life is all the better because of it. a gem of a humor book - small enough to carry around with you for a daily dose of motivational genius and cheap enough to buy a stack to give out as gifts, these twisted truisms will not disappoint."-- S.Sammy
    
    "This little book does not disappoint. It's like a revamped version of the demotivator-style gags, but all in one tiny little book you can carry around. Give it a try! The worse that'll happen is you'll laugh so hard you'll cry!"-- Ruchi
    
    "Ron Kanfi is a comedy writing genius. Get this book and a box of tissues because you will laugh till you cry..."-- Elizabeth W.
    
    "I'm going to go bankrupt buying all these things from NobleWorks, lol! They have some hilarious things and Life is like a box of dirty diapers is no different! My boyfriend and I could NOT stop laughing at this! It's definitely a must buy! Oh, and btw, NobleThanks25 gives you a 25% discount. ;D And it never expires!! Share the love!"-- RinChan
    
    "This book is incredibly fun. Take a look inside the book. You will be laughing when you read things like -- If you are not having good success, don't skydive. --- or Job Security"They can't fire you if they can't find you."-- and more incredibly funny statements. I loved the quotes so much I wish I could find posters with these quotes on them. Buy this book if you want a good laugh!"-- Avid Reader
    
    "A subversive, hilarious spin on the motivational-style poster, this is the perfect coffee table book! Whenever a friend comes over and sits on the couch, they always end up thumbing through the pages of this book. Each page is such a great conversation starter!"-- Kevin T.
    
    "Ordered this for a friend of mine who is a total goofball and he loved it. It's a good gift for that person in your life with a twisted sense of humor, or maybe for yourself if that describes you. Cute. Short. Witty. I loved it."-- J. Barnett
    
    "This book is hilarious! Everyone is familiar with those annoying motivational posters, but this book turns those posters on their heads. They're funny, they're refreshing, and they're actually true! They're small, so I'm going to give them out as stocking stuffers. I think I'll wrap them in (clean) diapers and a bow."-- nyBookMan