Here at NobleWorks Cards, we’ve spent over 30 years perfecting the art of greeting card humor, and we love nothing more than sharing that with you. Our funny top lists break down some of our most popular birthday, holiday, anniversary and Mother’s Day cards for you, so you can be sure you’re getting a humor-packed product with a punch. Our lists include things like the Top 10 Elf Cards, where you can explore one of our most popular card lines that features The Seven Dwarves of old age, work, motherhood and more.
We’ve also organized a Top 10 Halloween Jokes list to help you create a uniquely hilarious Halloween sentiment. Spoiler alert: the No. 1 Halloween joke on our list is “What do you call a witch that lives near Miami beach?” Obviously, the answer is a “sand-which.” We also offer a list explaining the top 10 reasons why funny dogs are better than men (as if we even needed such a list) and a top 20 list of British slang. Our favorite one from that list is definitely “tosser,” which sounds like the name for a person who makes a salad, but really means an idiot. We’ve written lists for the top 10 humor sites, top 10 worst X-mas stories, top 10 things to do in an elevator and so much more.
In addition to hilarious top 10 lists, we’ve also created an expansive selection of hilarious greeting cards just for you. Take a stroll through our virtual card store and you’ll find some of the most clever birthday cards, holiday cards, anniversary cards and more to help you add a bit of comic relief to your special occasions. If you’re struggling to figure out what to write on the inside, explore our pages filled with funny quotes, lists and trivia.
GPB – Global Positioning Bitch/Bastard; vengefully track your ex's movements.
Lub'er – The lubrication hailing service when you're left high and dry in the middle of an orgy, porn shoot, or intense masturbation session.
SkiptheShit – The app that automatically 'skips' the boring and crappy parts in DVR, downloaded and streaming movies, and all of the talking parts in porn movies.
Bitcon – Creates and hypes limitless phoney crypto-currencies that have no value except when sold to unsuspecting "investors."
Rave Reviews – Website-sensitive software that allows one fake written review to custom carpet-bomb thousands of merchandise and review sites to pump up buzz and product ratings.
DinkedIn – Sex-sharing app to swap stories of conquests, STD warnings, partner ratings, positional preferences, and turn-ons, kinks and minimum spending limits to shag-in-the-bag.
JMo – The Jewish Mother app; nagging text, voice and video messages are triggered by your movements, schedule and conversations which indicate the need for motherly intervention and remonstration (also automatically and persistently reminds the user to phone, visit and attend that fifth cousin's upcoming Bar Mitzvah so Great Uncle Morty isn't insulted).
BlueBird – Downloads headlines, pics, stories and videos of people far, far worse off than yourself; great for bolstering self-confidence and diffusing suicidal impulses.
Hillbelly – A sharing app for rural beer-belly and baby-bump fetishers.
Party Crusher – This app scours social media, newspaper society pages and online obituary notices to deliver dates and times of amazing parties, awesome social gatherings, and free food and drink wakes (floor plans, security details and fake printable invites available for an additional fee).
For those people who don't lovingly scrapbook every single card they receive in order to preserve the humorous or heartfelt sentiments expressed for all of eternity, or who don't cherishingly frame every received greeting card and then mount them on the wall or mantelpiece for show and as symbols to outsiders that their family still gives a s#*t about them … here are some alternatives for getting further use out of these hilarious or beautiful greeting cards beyond laughing or looking at them for a minute and then throwing them away in the garbage.
Hygiene – For that emergency time when you run out of tissues, toilet paper, napkins and/or tampons.
Home Repair – Perfect for patching over holes in your walls or floors, or (with those plastic laminate cards) retiling your shower stall.
Clothing – Shoe sole filler; hat/cap sweatband/liner; or sat-ass song gag – for those cards with built-in music, stuff one down the back of your underwear and then sit down at a meeting, in a bar, or during a family gathering, for loads of laughs.
Gaming – Put away those finger-sized playing cards that build kid's-stuff pyramids, and take out the big-girl greeting cards with which to construct monumental pyramids, towers and mosques that fill up your kitchen table and those lonely, hollow hours in your life.
Re-Carding – Advanced-formula stealth white-out will allow you to take received greeting cards, change addressees and addressors, and send them out again for a second gifting life, saving you mucho time and money in the process.
Collages – Paste old greeting cards together in a massive, and possibly themed, pattern and mount the resulting masterpiece on your wall to show off your craftiness and flaunt your popularity. Make a social event out of it, like a quilting bee!
Construction – Tape, glue, stitch, staple or weave cards together to create a fun backyard tent, or even a comfortable and functional shelter for the homeless – for which you can possibly reap charitable tax receipts and certain goodwill and karma.
Paper Air Force – Kids can have hours of fun (out of your hair) by building heavy-duty bombers with greeting card cardstock, knocking flimsy scrap paper fighters right out of the air.
Feats of Strength – With telephone books gone the way of the telegram, used greeting cards can be stacked or folded together and then torn apart in exhibitions of strength that will awe family, friends and maybe paying viewers, too.
Spitbombs – Forget those lame little spitballs; soak your gifted greeting cards in warm water, or a really big mouth, load up a giftwrap tube or rolled-up magic carpet toboggan like it was a musket, blow with the wind of a seasoned street 'ho, and let fly for some full face-plastering, concussion-inducing fun!
A greeting card is the perfect, and inexpensive, gift for a wide range of occasions. A friendly greeting card is the best way to wish someone a "Happy Birthday"; is a tasteful and tender way of conveying your sympathy to someone who has suffered a loss; expresses your truly felt "miss you" feelings to somebody special who is far away; sends your hearty and ecstatic congratulations to a superlative academic or corporate achiever; and offers best wishes to a couple celebrating their engagement, wedding, anniversary or new baby.
But these are just some of the numerous occasions deserving of a commemorative card to show your caring, compassion and cheer. There are also plenty of other special moments for which a greeting card could come in handy, especially for the benefit of the sensitive and gregarious person who desperately wants to express their warmth for somebody's new iguana or commiserate with someone on the occasion of a colorectal examination, but find themselves with no tactile and professionally printed means of sending their heartfelt or hilarious salutations.
Therefore, a few of the other greeting card "occasions" currently under consideration by the greeting card elves include:
Circumcision – Put your own skin in the game by commemorating the lopping off of the penis' protective wrapper with a tasteful or cocky card of celebration/commiseration.
Virgin No More – Add to the bragging rights, or shame, of someone finally gettin' some with a greeting card marking that significant event in any boy's or girl's sticky, squishy journey from young adulthood to full adulthood (or a late-bloomer's coital culmination after a lifetime of trying).
Nursery School Graduation – Kids need all the encouragement they can get these days, and parents are hyper-sensitive about their offspring's self-esteem like never before, so here are the greeting cards to boost little Janie's and Johnny's fragile psyches and encourage their developing brains (with no requirement to tell the bubble-wrapped tykes that this ain't really much of an achievement at all).
Get Bent – Who hasn't split with a good friend turned traitor, lost an argument with an annoying relative, been court-ordered cut off by an unappreciative stalkee, or gotten unfairly castigated on social media by a well-known troll? Well, retaliation can come cheeky and cardful, allowing you to send out a nasty, raised middle-finger, hardcopy raspberry to those currently on your s*#t list.
Parole/Probation/Pardon – Endorsed by current and former presidents, show some love to someone recently released from prison or who has gamed the system to avoid a jolt in the Big House, or who has just gotten their arms-length criminal record expunged (possibly thanks to the White House), by sending them a card of congratulations.
Kiss You? – In the age of #MeToo, with "hitting on" rules hung up in the court of public opinion, it pays to extend a formal request for some lovesome physicality with a "Kiss You?" card to confirm the warm-and-fuzzy feelings are mutual by both parties; she/he can co-sign the card upon receipt so that there's a written, binding contract if things turn she said/he said litigious.
Coming Out– It's a big-deal, life-altering event when anyone openly, proudly and courageously announces their homosexuality, bisexuality, transsexuality, pansexuality, furrysexuality, etc., etc.… So, mark the jubilant occasion with a cheerful, cheering, possibly-somewhat-confused card of support.
New Boobs – Plastic surgery is huge; breast enhancement the number-one (and two) requested procedure. Pump-up the inflated occasion even more with a tasteful, strictly arms-length, carded comment of uplifting congrats.
Layoff – We've all been there: through no fault of our own, simply due to the cruddy convolutions of the capitalist system, we're laid off, canned, punted, given the bum's rush, downsized, demustered, rudely ruled redundant and replaced by robots. Ease someone's unemployment pain and bolster their post-severance spirits with a folded, cardboard slip anything but pink (or blue).
Bankruptcy – Celebrate the legal fact that someone special is finally, totally debt-free – without having had to fake their own death or burn down their business – with an ever-growing selection of cards as personal and commercial bankruptcies spike (they'll owe you one!).
2. There isn't a food that doesn't go on well with bacon. Not even ice cream.
3. There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who love bacon and those who do not.
4. Bacon is so tasty even pigs will eat it.
5. There is no wrong way to cook, boil or fry bacon.
6. Most of the world's problems can be solved with more bacon. Fact.
7. Meals without bacon are simply not meals.
8. You shall consume bacon every day of the week.
9. Bacon makes everything taste better. Just add bacon.
10. Bacon will get you laid.
We at NobleWorks have put together a short list of funny, but very risque, humor sites that complement the humor of our funny cards:
9Gag is a collection of funny jokes and pictures all in one place. Users add their own funny internet finds on the site. Readers can build up their own collections of jokes and funny pictures. This is a great place to look to for what's hot to tweet to your friends.
Cracked.com is an online magazine that has funny videos, insanely funny articles, forums, games, and funny stories submitted by fans. The stories range from factual to fictitious, and everything in between.
Break.Com is a collection of funny videos, funny clips and other ways to waste time on your much too short office or lunch break. You don't have to be logged in to see all the trending videos. Videos can be submitted by anyone. Once you're registered, you can share all your Break.Com activities on Facebook.
College Humor is a collection of funny videos, funny pictures and funny articles aimed at the college crowd, or at least, people who still relate to college life. The NSFW, R-rated joke section has been tucked away for logged in users to see.
FailBlog is a humor site within a humor site within a humor site! It's like humor inception! It has tons of "fail" an expression of laughing over someone's failure. It's attached to the Cheezburger site, a place know for stealing several hours of productivity from the lives of many young adults.
The Chive is a site that has humor, articles, pictures, interesting stories and is a fun dating site as well! When not searching for love, users can search for laughs or trending stories and be entertained for hours. There are some very NSFW pictures, so be mindful of how you spend your lunch break!
Video Bash is just what it sounds like: a collision of interesting videos from the internet. There are even games and pictures, but the focus is on bringing the top videos to its fans. Anyone can submit a video.
Xkcd is a website that looks like a comic strip. The comic strip is about funny stick-figure jokes. It has unusual humor and sometimes even mathematics which might make it "unsuitable for liberal arts majors."
eBaums World is a...actually, I have no idea what the site is about. I was scrolling through the funny gallery for a good five minutes in a deep trance as I looked at gifs, funny pictures and a jiggling butt. All I know is that it was hard to pull myself away from the funny, random things on the site.
The Onion is fake news website. It's funny because it's written close enough to a real website that the news almost seems plausible. Almost. There are fake broadcast news stories and fake print stories.
College Humor http://www.collegehumor.com/
Fail Blog http://failblog.org/
The Chive http://thechive.com/
Video Bash http://www.videobash.com/
eBaums World http://www.ebaumsworld.com/
The Onion http://www.theonion.com/
Read more: https://www.nobleworkscards.com/top-10-humor-sites.html
10. The 7 Menopausal Dwarves
These funny menopausal ladies are Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Bloaty, Sleepy, Forgetful and Psycho! P.S. Watch out for the last one with the machete knife! Luckily, there is nothing to fear, as all these ladies will be gone in a flash!
9. The 7 Dwarves of Old Age
These dwarves embody all the things we dread about getting older and funny old age jokes in general: There is Nappy, Wrinkly, Squinty, Rocky, Saggy, Farty and Leaky. Don't let the last dwarf near your couch. Don't try to say that we didn't warn you.
8. The 7 Dwarves of Motherhood
These funny motherhood cartoons show the phases most people encounter with motherhood: Huggy, Fussy, Worry, Naggy, Guilty, Saintly and the Enabler. The Enabler is the one who just happens to have a fresh batch of cookies that need to be checked and tasted for quality.
7. The 7 Dwarves of Work
These little office elves have a lot to do, but not much of it seems to be doing work! There is Sleepy, Flirty, Drinky, Loafy, Lunchy, Gabby and Buttkiss. They'll fill up those 40 hours a week doing what they do best: Not working. Remember, everyone loves funny office cards!
The names of these fabulous elves are Bitchy, Twinky, Horny, Queeny, Hunky, Tweeky and Butchy. They Keep Santa fabulous the other 364 days of the year. Also, their connection to the Gay Mafia was just a rumor.
5. Elf Stats
This card shows that as in the human population, 1 out of every 10 elves is actually a fairy!
4. The 7 Dwarves of Xmas
Gifty, Cheery, Cooky, Twinkly, Santy, Chargey and Carol are the dwarves of the Christmas season! Watch out with your wallet and Chargey and let Cooky into your kitchen to whip you some fresh, homemade Christmas cookies!
3. Elf Awareness Elf
This elf is the guiding force behind maintaining the positive elf image and avoiding the pitfalls of elf abuse. Elf peer-pressure is a serious issue and building up elf self confidence is key!
2. Santa's Elves
How does Santa obtain all his elves? He has a recruiting company, of course! Where elves originally come from, no one knows because of the strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy of real elf homeland.
1. Cookieholics Anonymous
How did Santa start off on his cookie habit? I mean, you didn't really think that everyone came up with the idea of leaving out cookies of all kinds for Santa on their own, did you? No. Santa was hooked on the sugary goodness of Christmas cookies and brought those people better gifts. The houses with Girl Scout cookies reportedly had the greatest gifts even if they weren't so nice. Word spread, Santa's appetite increased, and he has been trying to break the habit ever since.
10. What do skeletons say before dinner?
9. What subject is a witch's best subject in school?
8. Why do witches still fly on a broom after all these years?
Vacuum cleaners don't have a long enough cord.
7. What do monsters have for desert?
6. Why didn't the skeleton cross the street?
He didn't have the guts.
5. What do people on Twitter do on Halloween?
4. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
3. Where ghosts water ski?
On Lake Erie.
2. Where do ghosts go to relax?
The Dead Sea.
1. What do you call a witch who lives near Miami beach?