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Humorous Quotes and Sayings for All Card-Sending Occasions

If you're at a loss for funny things to write in a birthday card or are looking for funny greeting card quotes appropriate - or even inappropriate - for practically any occasion, then you have come to the right place. At NobleWorks Cards, we are so full of funniness that we provide you entire pages of humor absolutely free. Peruse our Funny Quotes and Sayings for Birthday & Greeting Cards and you'll find humorous greeting card sayings that cover the gamut of human tomfoolery. At NobleWorks Cards, nothing is sacred. You'll find funny birthday card sayings and funny greeting card sayings lampooning men, women, old people, friends and even mothers. Have we left anything out? Oh, we even make fun of that American icon, Whether you're looking for cute sayings, greeting cards or just some laughs on the house, read on for some free fun.

Funny Quotes: You Know You Are Old When

You know you're old when someone tells you to act your age and you die.
You know you're old when you owe Fred Flintstone money.
You know you're old when you did your driver's test on a brontosaurus.
You know you're old when you still have the apostles' addresses in your little black book.
You know you're old when you were waitressing at the Last Super.
You know you're old when you have a picture of Jesus in your yearbook.
You know you're old when you helped plant the first trees in Central Park.
You know you're old when you have an autographed Bible.
You know you're old when you remember when the Dead Sea was just ill.

Funny Quotes: Why Cats are Better than Men

A cat never comes home drunk when he comes home late.
You can stroke a cat without being expected into doing anything else.
Cats don't pretend to know how to fix things they can't.
It's okay if your cat sits in someone else's lap.
Cats are never late for dinner.
Your cat's ex will never stalk you.
Your cat won't leave you for a younger woman.
You don't have to pretend to like your cat's mother.
Cats don't hog the bathroom.
Cats won't question your spending habits.

Funny Quotes: Skinny Bitch

You're such a skinny bitch that you have to run around the shower to get wet.
You're such a skinny bitch that you turned sideways and disappeared.
You're such a skinny bitch that you can dodge rain drops.
You're such a skinny bitch that your bra fits better backwards.
You're such a skinny bitch that you use chapstick for deodorant.
You're such a skinny bitch that your butt is just a back with a crack.

Funny Quotes: PMS

You know you have PMS when you consider chocolate a food group.
You know you have PMS when you scare terrorists.
I can bleed for five days and not die. What is your super power?
My greatest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
PMG and GPS together means a crazy bitch who will find you wherever you go.
I don't actually have PMS; everyone else just acts weird around me one week a month.
We don't know if the Virgin Mary had PMS, but she rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.

Funny Quotes: Menopause and Hot Flashes

I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes.
Menopause is just life's way of showing you that you don't want to go to hell.
What's 100 times worse than a woman in menopause? One hundred women in menopause.
I don't have hot flashes. My inner child is playing with matches.
These aren't hot flashes. They are power surges.
With female menopause, you gain weight. With male menopause, you drive a motorcycle.
My menopause can kick your PMS' ass.
I don't have hot flashes. I have mini vacations to the tropics.
Menopause fans have two settings: Flashing and not flashing.

Funny Quotes: Why Dogs Have it All

A wet nose is a good thing.
No one says anything if you scratch yourself in public.
You don't have to comb your own hair or take a shower every day.
You're happy with just a bone and leftover food.
You never have to pick up the tab.
You're happy to see the same people every day.
If you get fat, it's someone else's fault, never yours.

Funny Quotes: BFF (Best Friends Forever)

A friend has never seen you cry.
A BFF has lent you a shoulder to cry on.

A friend hates when you call after she's gone to bed.
A BFF asks why it took you so long to call.

A friend asks if you're dating anyone.
A BFF has enough dating history info to blackmail you with.

A friend laughs at your bad joke.
A BFF tells you that it sucks.

A best friend asks you what music you like.
A BFF tells you that you have bad taste in music.

Funny Quotes: Things Mom Said

Finding your first grey hair is the opposite of getting your first period. But both are equally depressing.

Apparently restaurants don't like it when you walk behind the bar and try to make your own drink.

Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them, you dumb-dumb.

Getting older is a walk in the park... where no one picks up after the dogs.

Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or an idiot from any direction.

They say a mirror never lies... I'm just grateful that they don't laugh.

If today is the first day of the rest of your life... what the heck was yesterday?

You know you're getting old when you have a hole between your boobs and it's called a belly button.

Is it still considered drinking alone if there are screaming children outside?

Famous Birthday Quotes

These are the top, famous birthday quotes to write on cards.

"Every year, on your birthday, you get a chance to start new"-Sammy Hagar

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate"-Oprah

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"-Satchel Paige

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing, 'Happy Birthday.'"-Steven Wright

"Presents don't really mean much to me. I don't want to sound mawkish, but it was the realization that I have a great many people in my life who love me, and who I really love"-Gabriel Byrne

"It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, I fyou ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm'"-Sam Levenson

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake"-Mitch Hedberg

"It is lovely, when I forget all birthdays, including my own, to find that someone remembers me"-Ellen Glasgow

Funny 30 Rock Quotes

Here are the funniest quotes from the hit series 30 Rock.

Kenneth: We have ways of making people talk: By giving them fresh apple slices.

Jenna: Listen up, Fives. A Ten is speaking.

enna: Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera, and maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Of course not. I mean, is wine-throwing something that even gets you on a reality show.

Angie: As you know, my single, "My Single is Dropping," is dropping.

Pete: Guys, a teacher preying on a student is wrong...if the teacher is male and the student is female. What happened to Frank is awesome. Standing ovation.

Jack: You know how the media are. They wait for a mistake and that's all you are. It happened to Hilter. No one ever talks about his paintings.

Liz: I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

Liz: It doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York. It's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.

Tracy: Thanks, Jack for coming to this emergency meeting. I'm sorry I'm four hours late, but my alarm clock didn't go off because it died in a funny cock fight last night.

Liz: If I could push a button and five people in the world would die, but I'd get free cable for life, I'd do it.

No One Ever Said Quotes

"I wish I had more back hair"-No One

"That Facebook post really made me rethink my stance on gun control" -No One

"My ex was so rational and sane"-No One

"I'm going to miss all the political jokes and commercials now the campaign is over"-No One

"I just love what the Palestinians have done with the Gaza Strip"-No One

"Wow, I have too much weed"-No One

"I love when Facebook changes everything once you've gotten used to it"-No One

"Maybe hooking up with my ex and having my ex to dinner was a good idea"-No One

Funny Quotes on Amazon

Amazon is the go-to place for many products that either can't be found in stores, or many you're just too lazy to get dressed because you're looking at birthday cards for her (whoever "she" is) online at NobleWorks Cards. We too like Amazon, and wanted to share with you some of the best Amazon reviews and funniest quotes online that we came across! Now you have more time to look at funny vintage birthday cards!

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I Love You Quotes

Here are some lovely quotes to inspire you to write your own love quotes. Remember, there is more than one way to say that you love someone!

I am rubber; you are glue and any feelings bounce off me and stick to you.

The other day I saw a girl drop her ice cream. When I stopped laughing, I realized that's how I feel like when you don't call.

I saw you in the morning, on the toilet and I didn't run screaming. There.

Hug me. If you let go, you lose.

I love you like two naked people love running through a field.

You are the hole in my doughnut.

I am the funny pork joke, you are the beans

If you were a hilarious margarita, I'd drink you by the bucket.

I really like, like, like, like you!

I'll still have sex with you even when you're old, fat and ugly.

I love you, but everyone else can kiss my ass.

Best Birthday Quotes

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."-Abraham Lincoln, president

"The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything."-Oscar Wilde

"It takes a long time to grow young."-Pablo Picasso, painter of famous paintings

"Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the gift of 'you' to the world."-Unknown

"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."-Lucille Ball

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."-Robert Frost

"May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine."-Frank Sinatra

Great Quotes from Famous People

"All I know is that I am not a Marxist."-Karl Marx

"I never wrote a song in my life. I get one-third of the credit for recording it. It makes me look smarter than I am. I never even had an idea for a song."-Elvis Presley

"Be very careful about your cape. Don't use it for sexual high jinks. It can get ugly-trust me. Also be careful when flushing."-Adam West, Batman.

"As a child, I dragged a dead squirrel home on a skateboard, cut it open and tried to look at its brain."-Jessica Biel

Einstein Quotes

The day Einstein spoke of is finally here.

A beautiful day at the beach with your best friend.

beach texting

A romantic date.

dinner texting

A passionate kiss between lovers.

kiss texting

Your wedding, a day you will cherish and remember forever.

marriage texting

Having fun with your friends at a party.

party texting

A day out with your bestie for some much needed shop therapy.

shopping and texting

A day out with your friend in the park.

park texting

einstein text quote

Funniest, Famous Birthday Quotes

"Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth."
- Janet Evanovich

"With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come."
- William Shakespeare

"When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I'll probably call my grandma up, because as old as I'll feel, she'll be feeling older. Twelve years older.
- Jarod Kintz

"I grabbed a pile of dust, and holding it up, foolishly asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust, I forgot to ask that they be years of youth. "
- Ovid, Metamorphoses

"You were born, and with you endless possibilities - very few ever to be realized. It's okay. Life was never about what you could do, but what you would do. "
- Richelle E. Goodrich

"The cake had a trick candle that wouldn't go out, so I didn't get my wish. Which was just that it would always be like this, that my life could be a party just for me."
- Janet Fitch, White Oleander

Famous Butt Quotes

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken."-Chuck Palahniuk

"I think it's ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas."- Nancy Cartwright

"She was a great kid ... a hard worker and team player. She wasn't a starter, but worked her butt off to make the team better. She always showed up with a smile and was ready to work, no matter what the conditions were."-Bruce Myers

"Here is my journey's end, here is my butt; and very sea-mark of my utmost sail." - William Shakespeare

"I'm their mom, I'm their worst enemy, I'm the person that kicks them in the butt. It's different roles for different students."-Anne Haverland

"I like to be hot, when I`m cold it`s a little harder for me to shake my butt."- Michael Stipe

"It is important when you haven't got any ammunition to have a butt on your rifle."-Winston Churchill

"I'll make it short and sweet. I don't have much to say. I mean, we got our butts kicked and we need to play better and we've got to fight harder. And give a lot of credit to the Colts. They played really well. I think we just made too many mistakes, and there's a lot of football left. We're 4-4. We've got a lot of division games and hopefully we can turn it around. But the Colts certainly outplayed us. They were the better team [Monday night]. And that's it. Thank you."-Tom Brady

"I made sure no butt cheek hung know, the original Daisy, Catherine Bach's shorts were shorter than mine."-Jessica Simpson

"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."-Christie Brinkley

"Nobody's kissing my ass, unfortunately. I could use a little. But then again, my personality isn't conducive to butt-kissing."-Christina Ricci

"My butt

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