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Funny New Year's Jokes

An Irish Girl comes back for New Years

The other asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?"

The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."

"Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"

"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"

New Years Eve One Liners

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. It's about having a good year!

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

My New Year's resolution is 1080p I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

I have only one resolution: To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have!

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event.

If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

New Year's Jog

What's the problem with jogging on New Year's Eve? The ice falling from your drink (and not hens and cocks in hand).

Resolutions for Pets

10. Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the butts.
7. Funny Gerbil: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat, or they'll flush me!
6. Bite that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow extra thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is enough.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. Find out if the garbage collector is stealing our stuff.
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it leave the human's hand.

Jokes for the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Happy Gnu Year!

Dieting Resolutions

2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.
2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.
2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2013: I will work out every day.
2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies

Sigh, all aboard for a happy New Year!

New Year Prayer

Dear God,

So far this has been great! I haven't gossiped about my friends. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, cruel, or rude. I'm very thankful. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help to get through the New Year.

The Wish

On New Year's Eve, Patty stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Resolution to Quit Smoking

John, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Dave, and asks for a smoke.

"I thought you made a New Year's resolution and that you don't smoke," Dave says.

"I'm in the process of quitting," replies John with a grin. "I am in the middle of phase one."

"Phase one?" asks David.

"Yeah," laughs John, "I've quit buying."

New Year's Dream

Jenna was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Dave, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"

"Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Dave .

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Dave approached Jenna and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a funny book entitled "The meaning of dreams."

Top 10 Resolutions for Teens

10. Realize that sexy vampires werewolves don't exist no matter how much I want them to.

9. Goodbye duckface, hello sparrow mouth!
8. Get dressed before noon.
7. Less Twitter more Facebook!
6. Talk on my phone less. In the bathroom.
5. Prepare for zombies.
4. Prepare for dating in a zombie world.
3. Prepare for S.A.T. tests…in a zombie world.
2. Learn to drive.
1. Learn to drive on roads filled with zombies.

Top 10 Resolutions for Men

10. Find out why all my clothes have shrank. Again.
9. Read that book, "Stop Procrastinating" that I bought three years ago.
8. Figure out why supermodels don't want to date plain, bald men as the media has led me to believe.
7. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.
6. Prepare for dating supermodels in the zombie apocalypse (it could happen, right?)
5. Vamp up that eHarmony profile with some spiffy pics of ex-girlfriends half cut off in every profile picture. That's attractive, right?
4. Mention in eHarmony how I'm a great date and can zap a zombie.
3. Stock up on beer.
2. Stock up on condoms just in case!
1. Get a job.

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Women

10. Get some better outfits.
9. Hit the gym for real this year.
8. Diet.
7. Cut back on lattes.
6. Take charge.
5. Travel more!
4. Believe in myself.
3. Wear all the shoes I have bought!
2. Screen the freaks on my online dating profile.
1. Stop dating losers who are obsessed with zombies on eHarmony.

Top 10 Quotes for New Year's

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.-Scott Fitzgerald

I don't even drink on the New Year! I can't stand the taste of alcohol-Kim Kardashian

Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties-Barbara Walters

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the years'-Henry Moore

Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness-Shakespeare

I doubt if you can have a truly wild party without liquor-Tucker Carlson

I get half a million just to show up at parties. My life is, like, really, really fun-Paris Hilton

Celebrate what you want to see more of-Tom Peters

If you asked me for my New Year Resolution, it would be to find out who I am-Cyril Cusack

All of us every single year, we're a different person. I don't think we're the same person all our lives-Steven Spielberg

New Year's Traditions in America

american new years traditions