'Twas the night before Christmas
Santa was all out of wack
The world had become too politically correct
The workers were not elves
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
While labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the newly formed Elf Union, to bring an end to the soul.
Four reindeer had disappeared after going for coffee and tea,
Released to the wild, by the Humane Society.
Equal rights employment made it rather clear,
Santa had better hire more than just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with little pigs to fill the quota
The reindeer had been removed from his side of Santa's sleigh,
Rudolph and the others were flagged as a hazard by the EPA,
And millions of New Yorkers were calling the cops,
As they heard sled noises upon their penthouse tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had workers frightened of lung cancer,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened"
Santa saw the reindeer were gone
Said she'd had enough of this life
She joined feminist group and suddenly left,
demanding from now on that everyone call her Ms.
And chilling in a communist community
Don't ask about the funny gifts
Santa couldn't give fancy stuff like fur
Direct your calls to PETA for sure
Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her.
To show you the strangeness of the news that we know
Rudolf was suing Santa over the use and likeness of his nose.
He went to TMZ, and was seen by half of the population
He wanted to unionize the reindeer to collect workers compensation.
Santa's workshop was about to fall into Chapter 11
If he got sued one more time
This meant no dangerous things
Like skateboards and skis
Someone could get hurt
Bratz Dolls were too controversial
And the new Call of Duty, some say, would rot your soul away.
Santa saw a different gift was called for.
Something he could give to everyone without hurting or offending
Every race and gender
Even those Hindus, Jews, Buddhists and Muslims could take part
Even though they didn't celebrate Christmas
So here is the gift,
"HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS NIGHT, AND JUST SPEND IT WITH YOUR FAMILY TONIGHT"
I wish I were a Christmas glow worm,
A Christmas glow worm's never glum.
'Cause how can you be
Grumpy, when the sun shines
Out your bum?!
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And you buy the dog food
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursday's you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Mum, I know I owe you the world
And you deserve no less
But circumstances have unfurled;
I'm in a financial mess.
For Your Mother's Day party
I write for you this ditty.
My poetry skills are hearty
And cheap, but oh so witty!
Roses are Red
Violets are blue
Vodka costs less
Than a dinner for two.
Roses are red
My name is Dave
This poem makes no sense
Peace is knowing one's child is
A cool internist.
After the warm rain
The sweet smell of camellias.
Please go wipe your feet
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name of
Her best friend's disease.
Today I'm a man
Tomorrow I will return to...
To the seventh grade.
Mom, please! There is no
Need to put that dinner roll to
Your new pocketbook.
Is one Nobel Prize
Too much to ask from a child?
After all I've done?
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz
Five-day forecast: meh
Saturday synagogue service,
Phillies and Red Sox.
A lovely nose ring,
Excuse me while I put my big
Head in the oven.