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Humorous Rhymes for Birthday, Christmas and Other Occasions

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Humorous Birthday Poems

Tit for Tat
Man Called Reg
Quite Nude
Young Lass
Victor to Tea
Fly on the Wall
Young Schizophrenic
Old Gent
Young Lady
Old Man of Esser
Sorority Girl

Funny Christmas Poems

A Politically Correct Christmas Story
Christmas Glow Worm

Funny Mother's Day Poems

A Poem for Mom
Moms Rule

Funny Relationship Poems

Roses Are Red

Everyday Funny Poems


Unfunny Haikus

Jewish Buddhism
Oy Sadie
Bar Mitzvah
Her Son
Blue Sea
Jewish Safari
Answering Machine
Nobel Prize Winner
Weather Report
Your Face

Tit for Tat

There was a young girl from Rabat,

Who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;

It was fun in the breeding,

But hell in the feeding,

And birthdays were no joy

When she found she had no tit for Tat.



Man Called Reg

There once was a Man called Reg

Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge

Along came his wife

On her birthday night

With a big carving knife


Quite Nude

A bather whose clothing was strewed,

By winds that left her quite nude,

Nothing but her birthday suit

Saw a man come along,

And unless we are wrong,

You expected this line to be lewd.

Young Lass

There was a young lass from Australia

Who painted her ass like a Dahlia

The shape it was fine

And the color divine

But the aroma--well, that was a faihlia

Victor to Tea

I once took our vicar to tea;

On his birthday, you see

It was just as I thought it would be:

His rumblings abdominal

Were simply phenomenal,

And everyone thought it was me.


Fly on the Wall

There once was a fly on the wall

I blew out my birthday candles and all

I wonder why it didn’t fall

Because its feet stuck

Or was it just luck

Or does gravity miss things so small?.


Young Schizophrenic

A young schizophrenic named Struther,

Who learned of the death of his brother on his birthday,

He said, "I know that it’s bad,

But I don't feel too sad.

After all, I still have each other."


Old Gent From Hyde

There was an old gent from Hyde

Who ate rotten apples on his birthday and died.

The apples fermented

Inside the lamented

And made cider inside his inside.

Young Lady

There was a young lady named Rose

Who had a large wart on her nose.

When she had it removed on her birthday

Her appearance improved,

But her glasses slipped down to her toes


There's a wonderful family called Stein:

All sharing the same birthday!

There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein.

  Gert's poems are bunk,

  Ep's statues are junk,

And no one can understand Ein.


Old Man of Esser

There once was an old man of Esser,

After his 40th birthday

His knowledge grew lesser and lesser,

It at last grew so small

He knew nothing at all

And now he's a college professor.


Sorority Girl


There was a young sorority girl called Binn

Who was so excessively thin

That when she was taken for birthday drinks

She slipped through the straw and fell in

A Politically Correct Christmas Poem


'Twas the night before Christmas

Santa was all out of wack

The world had become too politically correct

The workers were not elves

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

While labor conditions at the North Pole,

were alleged by the newly formed Elf Union, to bring an end to the soul.

Four reindeer had disappeared after going for coffee and tea,

Released to the wild, by the Humane Society.

Equal rights employment made it rather clear,

Santa had better hire more than just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

were replaced with little pigs to fill the quota

The reindeer had been removed from his side of Santa's sleigh,

Rudolph and the others were flagged as a hazard by the EPA,

And millions of New Yorkers were calling the cops,

As they heard sled noises upon their penthouse tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had workers frightened of lung cancer,

and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened"

Santa saw the reindeer were gone

Santa’s wife,

Said she'd had enough of this life

She joined feminist group and suddenly left,

demanding from now on that everyone call her Ms.

And chilling in a communist community

Don't ask about the funny gifts

Santa couldn't give fancy stuff like fur

Direct your calls to PETA for sure

Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her.

To show you the strangeness of the news that we know

Rudolf was suing Santa over the use and likeness of his nose. 

He went to TMZ, and was seen by half of the population

He wanted to unionize the reindeer to collect workers compensation.

Santa’s workshop was about to fall into Chapter 11

If he got sued one more time

This meant no dangerous things

Like skateboards and skis

Someone could get hurt

Bratz Dolls were too controversial

And the new Call of Duty, some say, would rot your soul away.

Santa saw a different gift was called for.

Something he could give to everyone without hurting or offending

Every race and gender

Even those Hindus, Jews, Buddhists and Muslims could take part

Even though they didn’t celebrate Christmas

So here is the gift,


A Poem for Mom


Mom, I know you do the dishes

And I know you cook the food

I know you scrub down all the floors

Even when you're in a bad mood.

And you buy the dog food

While I'm watching all my shows

On Thursday's you take out the trash

And every spring you wash the windows.

Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday

And leave you all alone

But right now I'm only 35

So what other place could I call home?

Moms Rule


Mum, I know I owe you the world

And you deserve no less

But circumstances have unfurled;

I'm in a financial mess.

For Your Mother's Day party

I write for you this ditty.

My poetry skills are hearty

And cheap, but oh so witty!

Christmas Glow Worm


I wish I were a Christmas glow worm,

A Christmas glow worm’s never glum.

‘Cause how can you be

Grumpy, when the sun shines

Out your bum?!

Roses are Red


Roses are Red

Violets are blue

Vodka costs less

Than a dinner for two.



Roses are red

My name is Dave

This poem makes no sense



During Passover

Opened the door for Elijah

Now our dog is gone


Jewish Buddhism

Jewish Buddhism:

If there is no self, then what the--

What’s this arthritis?



Beyond Valium,

Peace is knowing one's child is

A cool internist.



After the warm rain

The sweet smell of camellias.

Please go wipe your feet


Oy, Sadie

Her lips near my ear,

Aunt Sadie whispers the name of

Her best friend's disease.


Bar Mitzvah

Today I’m a man

Tomorrow I will return to...

To the seventh grade.


Her Son

Testing the warm milk

On her wrist, she sighs softly but

Her son is forty


Blue Sea

The sparkling sea

Reminds me to wait an hour

After my sandwich.


Jewish Safari

Jews on safari --

Map, compass, elephant gun and,

Hard sucking candies



The same kimono

The top geishas are wearing them:

I shop at Target



Mom, please! There is no

Need to put that dinner roll to

Your new pocketbook.


Answering Machine

Sorry I'm not home

To take your call. So, at the tone,

State your bad news now.


Nobel Prize Winner

Is one Nobel Prize

Too much to ask from a child?

After all I've done?


Weather Report

Today, mild shvitzing.

Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz

Five-day forecast: meh



Quietly hearing

Saturday synagogue service,

Phillies and Red Sox.


Your Face

A lovely nose ring,

Excuse me while I put  my big

Head in the oven.

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