Funny New Year's Jokes

The other asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?"

The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."

"Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"

"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. It's about having a good year!

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

My New Year's resolution is 1080p I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

I have only one resolution: To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have!

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event.

If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

What's the problem with jogging on New Year's Eve? The ice falling from your drink (and not hens and cocks in hand).

10. Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the butts.
7. Funny Gerbil: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat, or they'll flush me!
6. Bite that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow extra thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is enough.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. Find out if the garbage collector is stealing our stuff.
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it leave the human's hand.

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Happy Gnu Year!

2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.
2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.
2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2013: I will work out every day.
2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies

Sigh, all aboard for a happy New Year!

Dear God,

So far this has been great! I haven't gossiped about my friends. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, cruel, or rude. I'm very thankful. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help to get through the New Year.