Humorous Quotes and Sayings for All Card-Sending Occasions

You know you're old when someone tells you to act your age and you die.
You know you're old when you owe Fred Flintstone money.
You know you're old when you did your driver's test on a brontosaurus.
You know you're old when you still have the apostles' addresses in your little black book.
You know you're old when you were waitressing at the Last Super.
You know you're old when you have a picture of Jesus in your yearbook.
You know you're old when you helped plant the first trees in Central Park.
You know you're old when you have an autographed Bible.
You know you're old when you remember when the Dead Sea was just ill.

A cat never comes home drunk when he comes home late.
You can stroke a cat without being expected into doing anything else.
Cats don't pretend to know how to fix things they can't.
It's okay if your cat sits in someone else's lap.
Cats are never late for dinner.
Your cat's ex will never stalk you.
Your cat won't leave you for a younger woman.
You don't have to pretend to like your cat's mother.
Cats don't hog the bathroom.
Cats won't question your spending habits.

You're such a skinny bitch that you have to run around the shower to get wet.
You're such a skinny bitch that you turned sideways and disappeared.
You're such a skinny bitch that you can dodge rain drops.
You're such a skinny bitch that your bra fits better backwards.
You're such a skinny bitch that you use chapstick for deodorant.
You're such a skinny bitch that your butt is just a back with a crack.

You know you have PMS when you consider chocolate a food group.
You know you have PMS when you scare terrorists.
I can bleed for five days and not die. What is your super power?
My greatest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
PMG and GPS together means a crazy bitch who will find you wherever you go.
I don't actually have PMS; everyone else just acts weird around me one week a month.
We don't know if the Virgin Mary had PMS, but she rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.

I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes.
Menopause is just life's way of showing you that you don't want to go to hell.
What's 100 times worse than a woman in menopause? One hundred women in menopause.
I don't have hot flashes. My inner child is playing with matches.
These aren't hot flashes. They are power surges.
With female menopause, you gain weight. With male menopause, you drive a motorcycle.
My menopause can kick your PMS' ass.
I don't have hot flashes. I have mini vacations to the tropics.
Menopause fans have two settings: Flashing and not flashing.

A wet nose is a good thing.
No one says anything if you scratch yourself in public.
You don't have to comb your own hair or take a shower every day.
You're happy with just a bone and leftover food.
You never have to pick up the tab.
You're happy to see the same people every day.
If you get fat, it's someone else's fault, never yours.

A friend has never seen you cry.
A BFF has lent you a shoulder to cry on.

A friend hates when you call after she's gone to bed.
A BFF asks why it took you so long to call.

A friend asks if you're dating anyone.
A BFF has enough dating history info to blackmail you with.

A friend laughs at your bad joke.
A BFF tells you that it sucks.

A best friend asks you what music you like.
A BFF tells you that you have bad taste in music.