Trivia Top 10 Lists for All Funny Reasons and Occasions

GPB – Global Positioning Bitch/Bastard; vengefully track your ex's movements.

Lub'er – The lubrication hailing service when you're left high and dry in the middle of an orgy, porn shoot, or intense masturbation session.

SkiptheShit – The app that automatically 'skips' the boring and crappy parts in DVR, downloaded and streaming movies, and all of the talking parts in porn movies.

Bitcon – Creates and hypes limitless phoney crypto-currencies that have no value except when sold to unsuspecting "investors."

Rave Reviews – Website-sensitive software that allows one fake written review to custom carpet-bomb thousands of merchandise and review sites to pump up buzz and product ratings.

DinkedIn – Sex-sharing app to swap stories of conquests, STD warnings, partner ratings, positional preferences, and turn-ons, kinks and minimum spending limits to shag-in-the-bag.

JMo – The Jewish Mother app; nagging text, voice and video messages are triggered by your movements, schedule and conversations which indicate the need for motherly intervention and remonstration (also automatically and persistently reminds the user to phone, visit and attend that fifth cousin's upcoming Bar Mitzvah so Great Uncle Morty isn't insulted).

BlueBird – Downloads headlines, pics, stories and videos of people far, far worse off than yourself; great for bolstering self-confidence and diffusing suicidal impulses.

Hillbelly – A sharing app for rural beer-belly and baby-bump fetishers.

Party Crusher – This app scours social media, newspaper society pages and online obituary notices to deliver dates and times of amazing parties, awesome social gatherings, and free food and drink wakes (floor plans, security details and fake printable invites available for an additional fee).

For those people who don't lovingly scrapbook every single card they receive in order to preserve the humorous or heartfelt sentiments expressed for all of eternity, or who don't cherishingly frame every received greeting card and then mount them on the wall or mantelpiece for show and as symbols to outsiders that their family still gives a s#*t about them...here are some alternatives for getting further use out of these hilarious or beautiful greeting cards beyond laughing or looking at them for a minute and then throwing them away in the garbage.

Hygiene – For that emergency time when you run out of tissues, toilet paper, napkins and/or tampons.

Home Repair – Perfect for patching over holes in your walls or floors, or (with those plastic laminate cards) retiling your shower stall.

Clothing – Shoe sole filler; hat/cap sweatband/liner; or sat-ass song gag – for those cards with built-in music, stuff one down the back of your underwear and then sit down at a meeting, in a bar, or during a family gathering, for loads of laughs.

Gaming – Put away those finger-sized playing cards that build kid's-stuff pyramids, and take out the big-girl greeting cards with which to construct monumental pyramids, towers and mosques that fill up your kitchen table and those lonely, hollow hours in your life.

Re-Carding – Advanced-formula stealth white-out will allow you to take received greeting cards, change addressees and addressors, and send them out again for a second gifting life, saving you mucho time and money in the process.

Collages – Paste old greeting cards together in a massive, and possibly themed, pattern and mount the resulting masterpiece on your wall to show off your craftiness and flaunt your popularity. Make a social event out of it, like a quilting bee!

Construction – Tape, glue, stitch, staple or weave cards together to create a fun backyard tent, or even a comfortable and functional shelter for the homeless – for which you can possibly reap charitable tax receipts and certain goodwill and karma.

Paper Air Force – Kids can have hours of fun (out of your hair) by building heavy-duty bombers with greeting card cardstock, knocking flimsy scrap paper fighters right out of the air.

Feats of Strength – With telephone books gone the way of the telegram, used greeting cards can be stacked or folded together and then torn apart in exhibitions of strength that will awe family, friends and maybe paying viewers, too.

Spitbombs – Forget those lame little spitballs; soak your gifted greeting cards in warm water, or a really big mouth, load up a giftwrap tube or rolled-up magic carpet toboggan like it was a musket, blow with the wind of a seasoned street 'ho, and let fly for some full face-plastering, concussion-inducing fun!

A greeting card is the perfect, and inexpensive, gift for a wide range of occasions. A friendly greeting card is the best way to wish someone a "Happy Birthday"; is a tasteful and tender way of conveying your sympathy to someone who has suffered a loss; expresses your truly felt "miss you" feelings to somebody special who is far away; sends your hearty and ecstatic congratulations to a superlative academic or corporate achiever; and offers best wishes to a couple celebrating their engagement, wedding, anniversary or new baby.

But these are just some of the numerous occasions deserving of a commemorative card to show your caring, compassion and cheer. There are also plenty of other special moments for which a greeting card could come in handy, especially for the benefit of the sensitive and gregarious person who desperately wants to express their warmth for somebody's new iguana or commiserate with someone on the occasion of a colorectal examination, but find themselves with no tactile and professionally printed means of sending their heartfelt or hilarious salutations.

Therefore, a few of the other greeting card "occasions" currently under consideration by the greeting card elves include:

Circumcision – Put your own skin in the game by commemorating the lopping off of the penis' protective wrapper with a tasteful or cocky card of celebration/commiseration.

Virgin No More – Add to the bragging rights, or shame, of someone finally gettin' some with a greeting card marking that significant event in any boy's or girl's sticky, squishy journey from young adulthood to full adulthood (or a late-bloomer's coital culmination after a lifetime of trying).

Nursery School Graduation – Kids need all the encouragement they can get these days, and parents are hyper-sensitive about their offspring's self-esteem like never before, so here are the greeting cards to boost little Janie's and Johnny's fragile psyches and encourage their developing brains (with no requirement to tell the bubble-wrapped tykes that this ain't really much of an achievement at all).

Get Bent – Who hasn't split with a good friend turned traitor, lost an argument with an annoying relative, been court-ordered cut off by an unappreciative stalkee, or gotten unfairly castigated on social media by a well-known troll? Well, retaliation can come cheeky and cardful, allowing you to send out a nasty, raised middle-finger, hardcopy raspberry to those currently on your s*#t list.

Parole/Probation/Pardon – Endorsed by current and former presidents, show some love to someone recently released from prison or who has gamed the system to avoid a jolt in the Big House, or who has just gotten their arms-length criminal record expunged (possibly thanks to the White House), by sending them a card of congratulations.

Kiss You? – In the age of #MeToo, with "hitting on" rules hung up in the court of public opinion, it pays to extend a formal request for some lovesome physicality with a "Kiss You?" card to confirm the warm-and-fuzzy feelings are mutual by both parties; she/he can co-sign the card upon receipt so that there's a written, binding contract if things turn she said/he said litigious.

Coming Out– It's a big-deal, life-altering event when anyone openly, proudly and courageously announces their homosexuality, bisexuality, transsexuality, pansexuality, furrysexuality, etc., etc... So, mark the jubilant occasion with a cheerful, cheering, possibly-somewhat-confused card of support.

New Boobs – Plastic surgery is huge; breast enhancement the number-one (and two) requested procedure. Pump-up the inflated occasion even more with a tasteful, strictly arms-length, carded comment of uplifting congrats.

Layoff – We've all been there: through no fault of our own, simply due to the cruddy convolutions of the capitalist system, we're laid off, canned, punted, given the bum's rush, downsized, demustered, rudely ruled redundant and replaced by robots. Ease someone's unemployment pain and bolster their post-severance spirits with a folded, cardboard slip anything but pink (or blue).

Bankruptcy – Celebrate the legal fact that someone special is finally, totally debt-free—without having had to fake their own death or burn down their business—with an ever-growing selection of cards as personal and commercial bankruptcies spike (they'll owe you one!).

10. Sweet potato skin pie – it's not just for Superbowl Sunday anymore. Skip peeling those sweet potato spuds to add mega chunks of nutrition, like fiber and potassium to your dessert. Added bonus - you just might puke up everything you overate.

9. Eggnog drop soup – Chinese restaurants are always open on Christmas day, so give a salute to your favorite Chinese soup by adding a shot of eggnog instead of those crispy noodles.

8. Foreclosed gingerbread house – Perfection is overrated. Make a statement on today's housing crisis with a gingerbread house that has jacked up doors, graffiti icing and a caved in roof thanks to a few missed mortgage statements.

7. Pimentos loaf – This loaf-type luncheon meat with finely chopped beef, pork, pickles and pimientos will look so festive decorated with colorful (The Freshmaker) Mentos mints. Added bonus - Good breath.

6. Mincemeat pie – Why do the English mince their words? Why call it a mincemeat pie if it's just packed with fruit? I say, pack in the protein by incorporating actual Grade A beef into these small British fruit-based pies for a more savory and filling pie filling.

5. Gefilte fish sticks – Everything tastes better fried. Jews and gentiles alike will gobble up this alternate version of the classic Hanukkah appetizer when the poached mixture of ground deboned fish is battered and deep fried with a side of ketchup.

4. Uncle Bobka – Instead of a traditional Polish chocolate Babka, aka a sweet yeast cake, deck out your holiday spread with a creepy Uncle Bobka made with a shot of Jim Beam, cigar ashes and random moustache hairs slipped into the batter.

3. Jello mold – Missed the best before date? Who cares. Impress the in-laws with a literal jello mold, featuring bright bacterial marks and dark mold on the surface. Added bonus- You won't be asked to cook anything next year.

2. Turduckporken – Why eat three animals when you can enjoy four? A quadruple threat of entrees, this turkey + duck + pork + chicken concoction combines all of the other white meats to create a plethora of flavors, all stuffed into one another. Hell, throw in a partridge and call it a Christmas day.

1. Milk and Tossed cookies – Get back at Santa for leaving you a load of crap last year with a tall glass of milk paired with a heaping plate of puke scored from Uncle Bob before he passes out in the utility closet.

1. If the entire "Abercrombie and Fitch" logo comfortably fit across your ass, yoga pants aren't for you.

2. If your vajajay is claustrophobic, yoga pants aren't for you.

3. If you have or ever consider getting a penis, yoga pants aren't for you.

4. If your ass has no chance of ever being showcased in a rap video, yoga pants aren't for you.

5. If you look better in a downward facing hot dog than downward facing dog, yoga pants aren't for you.

6. If your instagram account would be shut down for posting a butt selfie, yoga pants aren't for you.

7. If your twerk registers a 6.0 or higher on the Richter Scale, yoga pants aren't for you.

8. If your nickname is "Dimples" yet you have no dimples on your face, yoga pants aren't for you.

9. If your favorite style of lingerie is the granny panty, yoga pants aren't for you.

10. If you took an eternal vow promising yourself to God, yoga pants aren't for you.

For on-the-go foodies who need a culinary fix that is fast, fancified and frugal, the food truck has to be one of the best epicurean advancements of the 21st century – a roving gastronomic gourmet sensation on wheels where you can enjoy a mobile sampling of tasty food infusions, usually for under $10 a pop. From bbq brisket salami sliders to choco tacos, not all food truck fare is created equal. Here are the top 10 worst gut truck offerings that leave a bad taste in our mouths.

1. Placentanini – Combine the nutrients of a placenta with the tastiness of a hand-pressed panini and what do you get? A meal fit for an afterbirth brunch. Personally, we'd rather eat baby poop.

2. Jerk Off Chicken – No one does jerk chicken better than Jamaicans. Add a horny teenage short-order cook and a few issues of Juggs magazine, and you get a not so savory topping on the side.

3. Srirachabon – Cinnamon buns, only hotter. Take the World Famous cinnamon rolls, slash the cinnamon, and replace with a hit of this super spicy Thai sauce. Instead of adding it to your spring rolls, swirl it in your pastry rolls, then grab a couple of toilet paper rolls as you head for the srirachajohn.

4. The Matzo Ball Bus – Oh vey. Mobile matzo balls and blintzes may sound delightful, but would you really want to eat gefilte fish off of a food truck? That's not kosher. We're kvetching just thinking about it.

5. The Little Wiener – When shelling out 8 bucks and up for lunch, we deserve more than tiny, unsatisfying pigs in blankets and penis-shaped cake pops. We like our wieners big, although they might make a killing at bachelorette parties and same-sex male weddings.

6. Bronutmobile – Some swear that everything is better with bacon, but we beg to differ. The world may run on Dunkin', but the world gets the runs from bacon-covered donuts.

7. Poptartwich Place – Swap two slices of bread for two Pop Tarts slathered with mayo and your choice of ground beef and/or fine deli meat filling for this sloppy joe/toaster strudel inspired sandwich. Pop Tarts, they're not just for breakfast anymore.

8. Mac & Cheesecake Factory – This Atkins-unfriendly concoction consists of cheddar cheesecake with a layer of elbow macaroni in the center. Top it with breadcrumbs and a graham cracker crust to create the quintessential salty/sweet confection for carbivores who enjoy eating their feelings. 5,000 Weight Watchers points.

9. The Mashed Potatorade Stand – Think a good old-fashioned lemonade stand, only with Red Bull-like, potato-based beverages. If the idea of potato-themed energy drinks sounds unsavory to you, just imagine them with your choice of gravy, bacon bits and/or chive toppings. This spud is not for you.

10. The Haggis Hut – This delicacy from Scotland is defined as a savory pudding containing a sheep's heart, liver and lungs, minced with stock and spices, traditionally encased in the animal's stomach. Little Bo Beep has lost her sheep, and we have lost our lunches.

Since back in Jesus's time, the moustache has served as the simplest way for men to incorporate some serious swagger into their step with a statement of strategically placed facial hairs that say "Hey World, look what I've got growing on". Here is a look at some of the most popular hair raising moustache styles throughout history.

1. The Handlebar – (aka The Original/The Tombstone) Aclassically bushy style that earns its name by the uncanny resemblance to the handlebars of a bicycle. Can be worn long or on the petite side, most often seen on spaghetti western cowboys, 70s porn stars and dastardly waxy end twirling villains who gained notoriety tying damsels in distress to train tracks. Most currently spotted on thick non-prescription eyeglass frame wearing hipsters of the West Village.

2. The Chaplin – (aka The Little Tramp/The Hitler/The Toothbrush) A boxy postage stamp sized patch of hairunder the nose made famous by silent film star Charlie Chaplin. A bit of a comedic character mo, these small square inches of thatch are high maintenance, itchy and the most likely to attract mucous.

3. The Mutton Chop – Four score and seven years ago, Abraham Lincoln sported these meaty sized mounds of facial hair paired with a Chin Curtain that changed the course of facial hair history as we know it. We, the people love this style that can basically be defined as long asssideburns. As manly as a steaming bowl of beef stew, these versatile chops can be mixed and matched with various moustaches (as in the Friendly Mutton Chop), morphedinto a beard, and/or worn solo.

4. The Fu Manchu – Named after the fictional Chinese villain of the same name, the Fu Manchu falls below the chin with slim tapered ends that point downward. Neat and tailored, the only drawback of this style is the long strands that end up dipped in bowls of Egg Drop or Wonton soup. Confucius says "I rearry rike this style".

5. The Pencil – Spotted on the upper lips of old Hollywood stars of the 30's and 40's i.e. Clark Gable, Errol Flynn, Vincent Price and Zorro, the pencil is a thin, neatly clipped line of hair centered between the lip and nose, emitting a weird, creepy drawn-on vibe. Also seen on the faces of children dressed up as devils on Halloween.

6. The Dali – This surreal 'stache easily identified by the thin wispiness and slender upturned tips is named after and inspired by the famed Spanish artist Salvador Dali. Reserved for the truly bizarre, it was voted the "best-known moustache of all time" by Britain's Daily Telegraphin 2010 and the "best-known moustache to get your ass kicked" by US Weekly in 2014.

7. The Frida Kahlo – The token female moustache, generally caused by high levels of testosterone and even higher levels of I-don't-give-a-shit-enough-to-bleach mentality.

8. The Magnum P.I. – The masterpiece of the modern moustache, this 80's style mo was the star of the widely acclaimed television series that chronicled the adventures of a Hawaiian based private investigator played by Tom Selleck. Known to give more moustache rides than any other style in the history of 'staches.

9. The Soul Patch – (aka The Flavor Savor) Made popular in the early nineties, this annoying puff of hair sprouts up under the chin and can be worn solo or paired with a goatee. Despite its name, the Soul Patch is most often seen on the faces of men who have no soul.

10. The 8th Grade Bully – Characterized by an oily, sparse smattering of pre-pubescent hair on the upper lip, this style most often found on middle school bullies is a transitional 'stache that tries rather unsuccessfully to instill fear, but is only successful at covering up under the nose adolescent acne.