Cards Featuring Funny Jokes, Dirty Jokes and Adult Humor

Once there was a teacher who wanted to see how her students associated flavors with color for a class project. She had all the children Life Savers and asked them what each color tasted like.

Orange was orange,yellow was lemon, green was lime and red was cherry. Then she gave the class honey Life Savers. None of the children could guess the taste.

She decided to give them a hint, 'It is what your mother may call your father.'

A little girl gasped, spit her candy out and screamed, 'Everyone stop! They're assholes!'

The teacher had to walk out of the classroom to keep from laughing.

Funny Atom Jokes

Don't ever believe anything an atom says. They make everything up.

A Physicist, Engineer and Statistician Go Hunting

A physicist, engineer and a statistician go hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 30 feet away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance to his hunt, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands past the deer.

The statistician yells, "We shot him!"

The Chemistry Student and the Genie

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his University of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was "How many valence electrons does a hydrogen atom have?" In his haste to complete the test, he had answered "two."

Depressed, he takes a walk alone along a beach, and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a brass oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface a genie suddenly appears! The genie says, "I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire?" The student immediately replies, "I wish I had gotten that question right," and the universe explodes.

The Engineers and the Balloon

Two engineers win a balloon ride. They decide to take a nice flight over London. After a while, they get lost. They float around for a while, when they suddenly see a man standing in a field.

"Hey you!" they yell. "Where are we?"

The man stands there for a while, pondering. Then he says, "You're in a hot air balloon." He then turns around and walks away.

"Well, that man was a mathematician," says one engineer. "Why?" asks the other. "First, he took a while to figure out the answer. Second, the answer was completely logical and true. Third, the answer was totally and utterly useless."

We should have all the elderly in jail instead of nursing homes and all the criminals in nursing homes. Why? This would give the elderly access to daily showers, recreational activities and free cable TV. Prescription drugs, dental treatment, medicine and wheelchairs would all be at their disposal.

They would receive prison money instead of having to pay for their stay. With all the cameras monitoring them, they would be helped as soon as they needed it. Guards would check on them every 20 minutes.

Bedding would be washed every week and all their clothes are washed, ironed and returned to them. They could go to the library and see funny library cards or church whenever they wanted.

They would get daily phone calls from family and friends. ACLU would protect them and defend their rights.

Now, let's talk about the criminals. They would get cold food, would only get to shower once a week. They would live in tiny rooms that cost them $2,000 a month that they would have no hope of ever getting out of. What's better than that, other than a gay prison card?

People ask me what retired people do for fun. The other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen an effin'break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a jerk. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a stupid pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 10 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. My bus arrived and I went home.

Say you're an ill senior citizen and the government tells you there is no nursing home available for you. What are you going to do?

Our idea is to give anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot a few bad politicians.

However, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning, plus all the health care you need!

Need new crowns? No problem. Far sighted? That's covered. Need a new hip or knees? They're all covered.

Your kids and grandchildren can come and visit you as often as they do now.

You're probably wondering who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

And you can get rid of a few useless politicians while you are at it. You're bound to feel better soon.

Since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore and you'll never get selected for jury duty. Is this a great country or what? You'll probably even get health food!

There was once an old couple that couldn't remember much. They went to the doctor to see if anything was wrong with them, but the doctor said there was nothing out of the ordinary. He suggested that they write stuff down.Later that night they were watching TV and the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He said, "To the kitchen."

She asked him, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He smiled and said, "Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked.

"No, I can remember that," he said.

She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."

"I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries," he quipped back.

"Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top of strawberries. I know you'll forget that so you'd better write it down!" she said.

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen.

Fifteen minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

A little old lady was pulled over for speeding. Her motto in life was "You're only as old as you feel." The officer on duty asked to see her old lady license and registration.

"I don't have one. It was taken away from me three years ago for drunk driving," the old lady said.

"And who is your car registered to?" the officer asked.

"Oh, I'm not sure. It's stolen, you see," the old lady said.

"Who stole it?" the officer asked.

"I did, silly. I hacked up the owner and put all his bits in the trunk in plastic bags. You can have a look at it yourself. I haven't had time to bury them yet," she said.

"Step out of the vehicle, please!" the officer screamed.

She stepped out of the car and called for backup. Three more cop cars arrived.

"What's the problem officer?" she asked.

"Please open your trunk," the second officer said.

She opened the trunk, which was empty.

"Is this your car, ma'am?" the officer asked.

"Yes, here are the registration papers," she said handing him the papers.

The cop was taken aback.

"Do you have a driver's license?" the second officer asked.

"Of course," she said.

The cop looked at her license.

"I am puzzled why the other officer said you didn't have a license, stole a car, murdered someone and chopped up the body," said the second officer.

"Bet the lying fink said I was speeding too," she said.