You know youíre old when someone tells you to act your age and you die.
You know youíre old when you owe Fred Flintstone money.
You know youíre old when you did your driverís test on a brontosaurus.
You know youíre old when you still have the apostlesí addresses in your little black book.
You know youíre old when you were waitressing at the Last Super.
You know youíre old when you have a picture of Jesus in your yearbook.
You know youíre old when you helped plant the first trees in Central Park.
You know youíre old when you have an autographed Bible.
You know youíre old when you remember when the Dead Sea was just ill.
A cat never comes home drunk when he comes home late.
You can stroke a cat without being expected into doing anything else.
Cats donít pretend to know how to fix things they canít.
Itís okay if your cat sits in someone elseís lap.
Cats are never late for dinner.
Your catís ex will never stalk you.
Your cat wonít leave you for a younger woman.
You donít have to pretend to like your catís mother.
Cats donít hog the bathroom.
Cats wonít question your spending habits.
Funny Quotes: Skinny Bitch
Youíre such a skinny bitch that you have to run around the shower to get wet.
Youíre such a skinny bitch that you turned sideways and disappeared.
Youíre such a skinny bitch that you can dodge rain drops.
Youíre such a skinny bitch that your bra fits better backwards.
Youíre such a skinny bitch that you use chapstick for deodorant.
Youíre such a skinny bitch that your butt is just a back with a crack.
You know you have PMS when you consider chocolate a food group.
You know you have PMS when you scare terrorists.
I can bleed for five days and not die. What is your super power?
My greatest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
PMG and GPS together means a crazy bitch who will find you wherever you go.
I donít actually have PMS; everyone else just acts weird around me one week a month.
We donít know if the Virgin Mary had PMS, but she rode Josephís ass all the way to Bethlehem.
Funny Quotes: Menopause and Hot Flashes
Iím still hot, it just comes in flashes.
Menopause is just lifeís way of showing you that you donít want to go to hell.
Whatís 100 times worse than a woman in menopause? One hundred women in menopause.
I donít have hot flashes. My inner child is playing with matches.
These arenít hot flashes. They are power surges.
With female menopause, you gain weight. With male menopause, you drive a motorcycle.
My menopause can kick your PMSí ass.
I donít have hot flashes. I have mini vacations to the tropics.
Menopause fans have two settings: Flashing and not flashing.
Funny Quotes: Why Dogs Have it All
A wet nose is a good thing.
No one says anything if you scratch yourself in public.
You donít have to comb your own hair or take a shower every day.
Youíre happy with just a bone and leftover food.
You never have to pick up the tab.
Youíre happy to see the same people every day.
If you get fat, itís someone elseís fault, never yours.
Funny Quotes: BFF (Best Friends Forever)
A friend has never seen you cry.
A BFF has lent you a shoulder to cry on.
A friend hates when you call after sheís gone to bed.
A BFF asks why it took you so long to call.
A friend asks if youíre dating anyone.
A BFF has enough dating history info to blackmail you with.
A friend laughs at your bad joke.
A BFF tells you that it sucks.
A best friend asks you what music you like.
A BFF tells you that you have bad taste in music.
Finding your first grey hair is the opposite of getting your first period. But both are equally depressing.
Apparently restaurants donít like it when you walk behind the bar and try to make your own drink.
Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them, you dumb-dumb.
Getting older is a walk in the park... where no one picks up after the dogs.
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or an idiot from any direction.
They say a mirror never lies... I'm just grateful that they don't laugh.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life... what the heck was yesterday?
You know you're getting old when you have a hole between your boobs and it's called a belly button.
Is it still considered drinking alone if there are screaming children outside?
Famous Birthday Quotes
“Every year, on your birthday, you get a chance to start new”—Sammy Hagar
“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate”—Oprah
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”—Satchel Paige
“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing, ‘Happy Birthday.’”—Steven Wright
“Presents don’t really mean much to me. I don’t want to sound mawkish, but it was the realization that I have a great many people in my life who love me, and who I really love”—Gabriel Byrne
“It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Remember, my son, I fyou ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm’”—Sam Levenson
“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake”—Mitch Hedberg
“It is lovely, when I forget all birthdays, including my own, to find that someone remembers me”—Ellen Glasgow