Funny Christmas PoemsA Politically Correct Christmas Story
Funny Mother's Day PoemsA Poem for Mom
Funny Relationship PoemsRoses Are Red
Everyday Funny PoemsMicrowave
There was a young girl from Rabat,
Who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
And birthdays were no joy
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
Man Called Reg
There once was a Man called Reg
Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge
Along came his wife
On her birthday night
With a big carving knife
A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By winds that left her quite nude,
Nothing but her birthday suit
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
There was a young lass from Australia
Who painted her ass like a Dahlia
The shape it was fine
And the color divine
But the aroma--well, that was a faihlia
Victor to Tea
I once took our vicar to tea;
On his birthday, you see
It was just as I thought it would be:
His rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.
Fly on the Wall
There once was a fly on the wall
I blew out my birthday candles and all
I wonder why it didn’t fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?.
A young schizophrenic named Struther,
Who learned of the death of his brother on his birthday,
He said, "I know that it’s bad,
But I don't feel too sad.
After all, I still have each other."
Old Gent From Hyde
There was an old gent from Hyde
Who ate rotten apples on his birthday and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed on her birthday
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes
There's a wonderful family called Stein:
All sharing the same birthday!
There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein.
Gert's poems are bunk,
Ep's statues are junk,
And no one can understand Ein.
Old Man of Esser
There once was an old man of Esser,
After his 40th birthday
His knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he's a college professor.
There was a young sorority girl called Binn
Who was so excessively thin
That when she was taken for birthday drinks
She slipped through the straw and fell in
A Politically Correct Christmas Poem
'Twas the night before Christmas
Santa was all out of wack
The world had become too politically correct
The workers were not elves
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
While labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the newly formed Elf Union, to bring an end to the soul.
Four reindeer had disappeared after going for coffee and tea,
Released to the wild, by the Humane Society.
Equal rights employment made it rather clear,
Santa had better hire more than just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with little pigs to fill the quota
The reindeer had been removed from his side of Santa's sleigh,
Rudolph and the others were flagged as a hazard by the EPA,
And millions of New Yorkers were calling the cops,
As they heard sled noises upon their penthouse tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had workers frightened of lung cancer,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened"
Santa saw the reindeer were gone
Said she'd had enough of this life
She joined feminist group and suddenly left,
demanding from now on that everyone call her Ms.
And chilling in a communist community
Don't ask about the funny gifts
Santa couldn't give fancy stuff like fur
Direct your calls to PETA for sure
Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her.
To show you the strangeness of the news that we know
Rudolf was suing Santa over the use and likeness of his nose.
He went to TMZ, and was seen by half of the population
He wanted to unionize the reindeer to collect workers compensation.
Santa’s workshop was about to fall into Chapter 11
If he got sued one more time
This meant no dangerous things
Like skateboards and skis
Someone could get hurt
Bratz Dolls were too controversial
And the new Call of Duty, some say, would rot your soul away.
Santa saw a different gift was called for.
Something he could give to everyone without hurting or offending
Every race and gender
Even those Hindus, Jews, Buddhists and Muslims could take part
Even though they didn’t celebrate Christmas
So here is the gift,
“HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS NIGHT, AND JUST SPEND IT WITH YOUR FAMILY TONIGHT”
A Poem for Mom
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And you buy the dog food
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursday's you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Mum, I know I owe you the world
And you deserve no less
But circumstances have unfurled;
I'm in a financial mess.
For Your Mother's Day party
I write for you this ditty.
My poetry skills are hearty
And cheap, but oh so witty!
Christmas Glow Worm
I wish I were a Christmas glow worm,
A Christmas glow worm’s never glum.
‘Cause how can you be
Grumpy, when the sun shines
Out your bum?!
Roses are Red
Roses are Red
Violets are blue
Vodka costs less
Than a dinner for two.
Roses are red
My name is Dave
This poem makes no sense
Opened the door for Elijah
Now our dog is gone
If there is no self, then what the--
Peace is knowing one's child is
A cool internist.
After the warm rain
The sweet smell of camellias.
Please go wipe your feet
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name of
Her best friend's disease.
Today I’m a man
Tomorrow I will return to...
To the seventh grade.
Testing the warm milk
On her wrist, she sighs softly but
Her son is forty
The sparkling sea
Reminds me to wait an hour
After my sandwich.
Jews on safari --
Map, compass, elephant gun and,
Hard sucking candies
The same kimono
The top geishas are wearing them:
I shop at Target
Mom, please! There is no
Need to put that dinner roll to
Your new pocketbook.
Sorry I'm not home
To take your call. So, at the tone,
State your bad news now.
Nobel Prize Winner
Is one Nobel Prize
Too much to ask from a child?
After all I've done?
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz
Five-day forecast: meh
Saturday synagogue service,
Phillies and Red Sox.
A lovely nose ring,
Excuse me while I put my big
Head in the oven.