Trivia Top 10 Lists for All Funny Reasons and Occasions

GPB – Global Positioning Bitch/Bastard; vengefully track your ex's movements.

Lub'er – The lubrication hailing service when you're left high and dry in the middle of an orgy, porn shoot, or intense masturbation session.

SkiptheShit – The app that automatically 'skips' the boring and crappy parts in DVR, downloaded and streaming movies, and all of the talking parts in porn movies.

Bitcon – Creates and hypes limitless phoney crypto-currencies that have no value except when sold to unsuspecting "investors."

Rave Reviews – Website-sensitive software that allows one fake written review to custom carpet-bomb thousands of merchandise and review sites to pump up buzz and product ratings.

DinkedIn – Sex-sharing app to swap stories of conquests, STD warnings, partner ratings, positional preferences, and turn-ons, kinks and minimum spending limits to shag-in-the-bag.

JMo – The Jewish Mother app; nagging text, voice and video messages are triggered by your movements, schedule and conversations which indicate the need for motherly intervention and remonstration (also automatically and persistently reminds the user to phone, visit and attend that fifth cousin's upcoming Bar Mitzvah so Great Uncle Morty isn't insulted).

BlueBird – Downloads headlines, pics, stories and videos of people far, far worse off than yourself; great for bolstering self-confidence and diffusing suicidal impulses.

Hillbelly – A sharing app for rural beer-belly and baby-bump fetishers.

Party Crusher – This app scours social media, newspaper society pages and online obituary notices to deliver dates and times of amazing parties, awesome social gatherings, and free food and drink wakes (floor plans, security details and fake printable invites available for an additional fee).

For those people who don't lovingly scrapbook every single card they receive in order to preserve the humorous or heartfelt sentiments expressed for all of eternity, or who don't cherishingly frame every received greeting card and then mount them on the wall or mantelpiece for show and as symbols to outsiders that their family still gives a s#*t about them...here are some alternatives for getting further use out of these hilarious or beautiful greeting cards beyond laughing or looking at them for a minute and then throwing them away in the garbage.

Hygiene – For that emergency time when you run out of tissues, toilet paper, napkins and/or tampons.

Home Repair – Perfect for patching over holes in your walls or floors, or (with those plastic laminate cards) retiling your shower stall.

Clothing – Shoe sole filler; hat/cap sweatband/liner; or sat-ass song gag – for those cards with built-in music, stuff one down the back of your underwear and then sit down at a meeting, in a bar, or during a family gathering, for loads of laughs.

Gaming – Put away those finger-sized playing cards that build kid's-stuff pyramids, and take out the big-girl greeting cards with which to construct monumental pyramids, towers and mosques that fill up your kitchen table and those lonely, hollow hours in your life.

Re-Carding – Advanced-formula stealth white-out will allow you to take received greeting cards, change addressees and addressors, and send them out again for a second gifting life, saving you mucho time and money in the process.

Collages – Paste old greeting cards together in a massive, and possibly themed, pattern and mount the resulting masterpiece on your wall to show off your craftiness and flaunt your popularity. Make a social event out of it, like a quilting bee!

Construction – Tape, glue, stitch, staple or weave cards together to create a fun backyard tent, or even a comfortable and functional shelter for the homeless – for which you can possibly reap charitable tax receipts and certain goodwill and karma.

Paper Air Force – Kids can have hours of fun (out of your hair) by building heavy-duty bombers with greeting card cardstock, knocking flimsy scrap paper fighters right out of the air.

Feats of Strength – With telephone books gone the way of the telegram, used greeting cards can be stacked or folded together and then torn apart in exhibitions of strength that will awe family, friends and maybe paying viewers, too.

Spitbombs – Forget those lame little spitballs; soak your gifted greeting cards in warm water, or a really big mouth, load up a giftwrap tube or rolled-up magic carpet toboggan like it was a musket, blow with the wind of a seasoned street 'ho, and let fly for some full face-plastering, concussion-inducing fun!

A greeting card is the perfect, and inexpensive, gift for a wide range of occasions. A friendly greeting card is the best way to wish someone a "Happy Birthday"; is a tasteful and tender way of conveying your sympathy to someone who has suffered a loss; expresses your truly felt "miss you" feelings to somebody special who is far away; sends your hearty and ecstatic congratulations to a superlative academic or corporate achiever; and offers best wishes to a couple celebrating their engagement, wedding, anniversary or new baby.

But these are just some of the numerous occasions deserving of a commemorative card to show your caring, compassion and cheer. There are also plenty of other special moments for which a greeting card could come in handy, especially for the benefit of the sensitive and gregarious person who desperately wants to express their warmth for somebody's new iguana or commiserate with someone on the occasion of a colorectal examination, but find themselves with no tactile and professionally printed means of sending their heartfelt or hilarious salutations.

Therefore, a few of the other greeting card "occasions" currently under consideration by the greeting card elves include:

Circumcision – Put your own skin in the game by commemorating the lopping off of the penis' protective wrapper with a tasteful or cocky card of celebration/commiseration.

Virgin No More – Add to the bragging rights, or shame, of someone finally gettin' some with a greeting card marking that significant event in any boy's or girl's sticky, squishy journey from young adulthood to full adulthood (or a late-bloomer's coital culmination after a lifetime of trying).

Nursery School Graduation – Kids need all the encouragement they can get these days, and parents are hyper-sensitive about their offspring's self-esteem like never before, so here are the greeting cards to boost little Janie's and Johnny's fragile psyches and encourage their developing brains (with no requirement to tell the bubble-wrapped tykes that this ain't really much of an achievement at all).

Get Bent – Who hasn't split with a good friend turned traitor, lost an argument with an annoying relative, been court-ordered cut off by an unappreciative stalkee, or gotten unfairly castigated on social media by a well-known troll? Well, retaliation can come cheeky and cardful, allowing you to send out a nasty, raised middle-finger, hardcopy raspberry to those currently on your s*#t list.

Parole/Probation/Pardon – Endorsed by current and former presidents, show some love to someone recently released from prison or who has gamed the system to avoid a jolt in the Big House, or who has just gotten their arms-length criminal record expunged (possibly thanks to the White House), by sending them a card of congratulations.

Kiss You? – In the age of #MeToo, with "hitting on" rules hung up in the court of public opinion, it pays to extend a formal request for some lovesome physicality with a "Kiss You?" card to confirm the warm-and-fuzzy feelings are mutual by both parties; she/he can co-sign the card upon receipt so that there's a written, binding contract if things turn she said/he said litigious.

Coming Out– It's a big-deal, life-altering event when anyone openly, proudly and courageously announces their homosexuality, bisexuality, transsexuality, pansexuality, furrysexuality, etc., etc... So, mark the jubilant occasion with a cheerful, cheering, possibly-somewhat-confused card of support.

New Boobs – Plastic surgery is huge; breast enhancement the number-one (and two) requested procedure. Pump-up the inflated occasion even more with a tasteful, strictly arms-length, carded comment of uplifting congrats.

Layoff – We've all been there: through no fault of our own, simply due to the cruddy convolutions of the capitalist system, we're laid off, canned, punted, given the bum's rush, downsized, demustered, rudely ruled redundant and replaced by robots. Ease someone's unemployment pain and bolster their post-severance spirits with a folded, cardboard slip anything but pink (or blue).

Bankruptcy – Celebrate the legal fact that someone special is finally, totally debt-free—without having had to fake their own death or burn down their business—with an ever-growing selection of cards as personal and commercial bankruptcies spike (they'll owe you one!).

10. Sweet potato skin pie – it's not just for Superbowl Sunday anymore. Skip peeling those sweet potato spuds to add mega chunks of nutrition, like fiber and potassium to your dessert. Added bonus - you just might puke up everything you overate.

9. Eggnog drop soup – Chinese restaurants are always open on Christmas day, so give a salute to your favorite Chinese soup by adding a shot of eggnog instead of those crispy noodles.

8. Foreclosed gingerbread house – Perfection is overrated. Make a statement on today's housing crisis with a gingerbread house that has jacked up doors, graffiti icing and a caved in roof thanks to a few missed mortgage statements.

7. Pimentos loaf – This loaf-type luncheon meat with finely chopped beef, pork, pickles and pimientos will look so festive decorated with colorful (The Freshmaker) Mentos mints. Added bonus - Good breath.

6. Mincemeat pie – Why do the English mince their words? Why call it a mincemeat pie if it's just packed with fruit? I say, pack in the protein by incorporating actual Grade A beef into these small British fruit-based pies for a more savory and filling pie filling.

5. Gefilte fish sticks – Everything tastes better fried. Jews and gentiles alike will gobble up this alternate version of the classic Hanukkah appetizer when the poached mixture of ground deboned fish is battered and deep fried with a side of ketchup.

4. Uncle Bobka – Instead of a traditional Polish chocolate Babka, aka a sweet yeast cake, deck out your holiday spread with a creepy Uncle Bobka made with a shot of Jim Beam, cigar ashes and random moustache hairs slipped into the batter.

3. Jello mold – Missed the best before date? Who cares. Impress the in-laws with a literal jello mold, featuring bright bacterial marks and dark mold on the surface. Added bonus- You won't be asked to cook anything next year.

2. Turduckporken – Why eat three animals when you can enjoy four? A quadruple threat of entrees, this turkey + duck + pork + chicken concoction combines all of the other white meats to create a plethora of flavors, all stuffed into one another. Hell, throw in a partridge and call it a Christmas day.

1. Milk and Tossed cookies – Get back at Santa for leaving you a load of crap last year with a tall glass of milk paired with a heaping plate of puke scored from Uncle Bob before he passes out in the utility closet.

1. If the entire "Abercrombie and Fitch" logo comfortably fit across your ass, yoga pants aren't for you.

2. If your vajajay is claustrophobic, yoga pants aren't for you.

3. If you have or ever consider getting a penis, yoga pants aren't for you.

4. If your ass has no chance of ever being showcased in a rap video, yoga pants aren't for you.

5. If you look better in a downward facing hot dog than downward facing dog, yoga pants aren't for you.

6. If your instagram account would be shut down for posting a butt selfie, yoga pants aren't for you.

7. If your twerk registers a 6.0 or higher on the Richter Scale, yoga pants aren't for you.

8. If your nickname is "Dimples" yet you have no dimples on your face, yoga pants aren't for you.

9. If your favorite style of lingerie is the granny panty, yoga pants aren't for you.

10. If you took an eternal vow promising yourself to God, yoga pants aren't for you.

For on-the-go foodies who need a culinary fix that is fast, fancified and frugal, the food truck has to be one of the best epicurean advancements of the 21st century – a roving gastronomic gourmet sensation on wheels where you can enjoy a mobile sampling of tasty food infusions, usually for under $10 a pop. From bbq brisket salami sliders to choco tacos, not all food truck fare is created equal. Here are the top 10 worst gut truck offerings that leave a bad taste in our mouths.

1. Placentanini – Combine the nutrients of a placenta with the tastiness of a hand-pressed panini and what do you get? A meal fit for an afterbirth brunch. Personally, we'd rather eat baby poop.

2. Jerk Off Chicken – No one does jerk chicken better than Jamaicans. Add a horny teenage short-order cook and a few issues of Juggs magazine, and you get a not so savory topping on the side.

3. Srirachabon – Cinnamon buns, only hotter. Take the World Famous cinnamon rolls, slash the cinnamon, and replace with a hit of this super spicy Thai sauce. Instead of adding it to your spring rolls, swirl it in your pastry rolls, then grab a couple of toilet paper rolls as you head for the srirachajohn.

4. The Matzo Ball Bus – Oh vey. Mobile matzo balls and blintzes may sound delightful, but would you really want to eat gefilte fish off of a food truck? That's not kosher. We're kvetching just thinking about it.

5. The Little Wiener – When shelling out 8 bucks and up for lunch, we deserve more than tiny, unsatisfying pigs in blankets and penis-shaped cake pops. We like our wieners big, although they might make a killing at bachelorette parties and same-sex male weddings.

6. Bronutmobile – Some swear that everything is better with bacon, but we beg to differ. The world may run on Dunkin', but the world gets the runs from bacon-covered donuts.

7. Poptartwich Place – Swap two slices of bread for two Pop Tarts slathered with mayo and your choice of ground beef and/or fine deli meat filling for this sloppy joe/toaster strudel inspired sandwich. Pop Tarts, they're not just for breakfast anymore.

8. Mac & Cheesecake Factory – This Atkins-unfriendly concoction consists of cheddar cheesecake with a layer of elbow macaroni in the center. Top it with breadcrumbs and a graham cracker crust to create the quintessential salty/sweet confection for carbivores who enjoy eating their feelings. 5,000 Weight Watchers points.

9. The Mashed Potatorade Stand – Think a good old-fashioned lemonade stand, only with Red Bull-like, potato-based beverages. If the idea of potato-themed energy drinks sounds unsavory to you, just imagine them with your choice of gravy, bacon bits and/or chive toppings. This spud is not for you.

10. The Haggis Hut – This delicacy from Scotland is defined as a savory pudding containing a sheep's heart, liver and lungs, minced with stock and spices, traditionally encased in the animal's stomach. Little Bo Beep has lost her sheep, and we have lost our lunches.

Since back in Jesus's time, the moustache has served as the simplest way for men to incorporate some serious swagger into their step with a statement of strategically placed facial hairs that say "Hey World, look what I've got growing on". Here is a look at some of the most popular hair raising moustache styles throughout history.

1. The Handlebar – (aka The Original/The Tombstone) Aclassically bushy style that earns its name by the uncanny resemblance to the handlebars of a bicycle. Can be worn long or on the petite side, most often seen on spaghetti western cowboys, 70s porn stars and dastardly waxy end twirling villains who gained notoriety tying damsels in distress to train tracks. Most currently spotted on thick non-prescription eyeglass frame wearing hipsters of the West Village.

2. The Chaplin – (aka The Little Tramp/The Hitler/The Toothbrush) A boxy postage stamp sized patch of hairunder the nose made famous by silent film star Charlie Chaplin. A bit of a comedic character mo, these small square inches of thatch are high maintenance, itchy and the most likely to attract mucous.

3. The Mutton Chop – Four score and seven years ago, Abraham Lincoln sported these meaty sized mounds of facial hair paired with a Chin Curtain that changed the course of facial hair history as we know it. We, the people love this style that can basically be defined as long asssideburns. As manly as a steaming bowl of beef stew, these versatile chops can be mixed and matched with various moustaches (as in the Friendly Mutton Chop), morphedinto a beard, and/or worn solo.

4. The Fu Manchu – Named after the fictional Chinese villain of the same name, the Fu Manchu falls below the chin with slim tapered ends that point downward. Neat and tailored, the only drawback of this style is the long strands that end up dipped in bowls of Egg Drop or Wonton soup. Confucius says "I rearry rike this style".

5. The Pencil – Spotted on the upper lips of old Hollywood stars of the 30's and 40's i.e. Clark Gable, Errol Flynn, Vincent Price and Zorro, the pencil is a thin, neatly clipped line of hair centered between the lip and nose, emitting a weird, creepy drawn-on vibe. Also seen on the faces of children dressed up as devils on Halloween.

6. The Dali – This surreal 'stache easily identified by the thin wispiness and slender upturned tips is named after and inspired by the famed Spanish artist Salvador Dali. Reserved for the truly bizarre, it was voted the "best-known moustache of all time" by Britain's Daily Telegraphin 2010 and the "best-known moustache to get your ass kicked" by US Weekly in 2014.

7. The Frida Kahlo – The token female moustache, generally caused by high levels of testosterone and even higher levels of I-don't-give-a-shit-enough-to-bleach mentality.

8. The Magnum P.I. – The masterpiece of the modern moustache, this 80's style mo was the star of the widely acclaimed television series that chronicled the adventures of a Hawaiian based private investigator played by Tom Selleck. Known to give more moustache rides than any other style in the history of 'staches.

9. The Soul Patch – (aka The Flavor Savor) Made popular in the early nineties, this annoying puff of hair sprouts up under the chin and can be worn solo or paired with a goatee. Despite its name, the Soul Patch is most often seen on the faces of men who have no soul.

10. The 8th Grade Bully – Characterized by an oily, sparse smattering of pre-pubescent hair on the upper lip, this style most often found on middle school bullies is a transitional 'stache that tries rather unsuccessfully to instill fear, but is only successful at covering up under the nose adolescent acne.

There are plenty of good reasons that prove that Facebook was designed in Hell. Here are just a few of them...

1. It lets older relatives embarrass you on a massive scale. That funny joke that you just posted? Ruined by your Great Aunt Sally.

2. It lets all of your ex's cyber stalk you with impunity. Have an old boyfriend who still isn't over you? Chances are he Likes and/or comments on every post you make with frightening intensity.

3. It provides an assortment of mindless games that are designed to suck away your time doing things like virtual farming when you be doing so many other things (like curing cancer or actual farming, for example).

4. It allows all the people from high school that you hated to find you.

5. It is a forum for fair, open minded political discourse. Just kidding, there has never been an open minded, civil conversation about politics on Facebook ever.

6. It forces you to spend a lot of time looking at pictures of cats and baby pictures when you simply couldn't care less.

7. It basically forces you to take tests to determine which Disney Princess or Star Wars character you are.

8. Its privacy settings are almost intentionally confusing, which means that you are probably sharing those embarrassing pictures of your trip to Cabo with your future employers.

9. It shows that everyone else's life is basically better than your own. Sharing a story about your trip to the grocery store? That's nice. Your friend Chris just posted a video of himself skydiving in France while juggling chainsaws.

10. It makes you determine your own self-worth based on how many Likes your posts get. You just made a post two minutes ago and nobody has Liked it yet? Everyone you know must secretly hate you.

Have you ever been caught by the snowstorm of all snowstorms? You know, the one that comes every year? Well, here are some suggestions on how to pass the time until you are freed from your frozen purgatory.

1. Photo Opportunity
Take 100 pictures with your digital camera of the painting on the living room wall. Invite Grandma to sit down and view your new photo album with you. Chances are your sweet, accepting Grandmother will sit through the whole presentation and thank you at the end.

2. Open Up
Open all the doors and windows, turn off the heat and see how long it takes before the temperature indoors matches the temperature outdoors.

3. Close Down
After you have thoroughly entertained yourself with #2, close all the doors and windows, turn on the heat full blast and see how long it takes to break a sweat.

4. "The"
Turn on your favorite TV show and count how many times they say the word "the". You might want to use TIVO in case you miss one.

5. Really Bored?
Repeat #2 and #3 until bedtime.

6. The Foreign Diplomat
Sit down with a family member, turn on a random foreign language channel and begin translating the show.

7. Cold Air
Call all the local air conditioner repair shops and tell them your air conditioner needs immediate repair.

8. It's Your Fault
Use Facebook to locate all your high school teachers and start plotting your revenge.

9. Meow
Dip the cat's feet in black ink and start playing with one of those red pen lights.

10. Help Me
Call all the local catholic churches and ask about the price of an exorcism.

11. Bonus
Send the gift of humor to a loved one via a heartfelt greeting card from www.nobleworkscards.com

1. There shall always be bacon in the house. Always.

2. There isn't a food that doesn't go on well with bacon. Not even ice cream.

3. There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who love bacon and those who do not.

4. Bacon is so tasty even pigs will eat it.

5. There is no wrong way to cook, boil or fry bacon.

6. Most of the world's problems can be solved with more bacon. Fact.

7. Meals without bacon are simply not meals.

8. You shall consume bacon every day of the week.

9. Bacon makes everything taste better. Just add bacon.

10. Bacon will get you laid.

We at NobleWorks have put together a short list of funny, but very risque, humor sites that complement the humor of our funny cards:

9Gag is a collection of funny jokes and pictures all in one place. Users add their own funny internet finds on the site. Readers can build up their own collections of jokes and funny pictures. This is a great place to look to for what's hot to tweet to your friends.

Cracked.com is an online magazine that has funny videos, insanely funny articles, forums, games, and funny stories submitted by fans. The stories range from factual to fictitious, and everything in between.

Break.Com is a collection of funny videos, funny clips and other ways to waste time on your much too short office or lunch break. You don't have to be logged in to see all the trending videos. Videos can be submitted by anyone. Once you're registered, you can share all your Break.Com activities on Facebook.

College Humor is a collection of funny videos, funny pictures and funny articles aimed at the college crowd, or at least, people who still relate to college life. The NSFW, R-rated joke section has been tucked away for logged in users to see.

FailBlog is a humor site within a humor site within a humor site! It's like humor inception! It has tons of "fail" an expression of laughing over someone's failure. It's attached to the Cheezburger site, a place know for stealing several hours of productivity from the lives of many young adults.

The Chive is a site that has humor, articles, pictures, interesting stories and is a fun dating site as well! When not searching for love, users can search for laughs or trending stories and be entertained for hours. There are some very NSFW pictures, so be mindful of how you spend your lunch break!

Video Bash is just what it sounds like: a collision of interesting videos from the internet. There are even games and pictures, but the focus is on bringing the top videos to its fans. Anyone can submit a video.

Xkcd is a website that looks like a comic strip. The comic strip is about funny stick-figure jokes. It has unusual humor and sometimes even mathematics which might make it "unsuitable for liberal arts majors."

eBaums World is a...actually, I have no idea what the site is about. I was scrolling through the funny gallery for a good five minutes in a deep trance as I looked at gifs, funny pictures and a jiggling butt. All I know is that it was hard to pull myself away from the funny, random things on the site.

The Onion is fake news website. It's funny because it's written close enough to a real website that the news almost seems plausible. Almost. There are fake broadcast news stories and fake print stories that will make you laugh at the world of politics and everything else.

9Gag https://9gag.com/
Cracked https://www.cracked.com/
Break https://www.break.com/
College Humor https://www.collegehumor.com/
Fail Blog https://failblog.org/
The Chive https://thechive.com/
Video Bash https://www.videobash.com/
Xkcd https://www.xkcd.com/
eBaums World https://www.ebaumsworld.com/
The Onion https://www.theonion.com/

10. The 7 Menopausal Dwarves

These funny menopausal ladies are Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Bloaty, Sleepy, Forgetful and Psycho! P.S. Watch out for the last one with the machete knife! Luckily, there is nothing to fear, as all these ladies will be gone in a flash!

9. The 7 Dwarves of Old Age

These dwarves embody all the things we dread about getting older and funny old age jokes in general: There is Nappy, Wrinkly, Squinty, Rocky, Saggy, Farty and Leaky. Don't let the last dwarf near your couch. Don't try to say that we didn't warn you.

8. The 7 Dwarves of Motherhood

These funny motherhood cartoons show the phases most people encounter with motherhood: Huggy, Fussy, Worry, Naggy, Guilty, Saintly and the Enabler. The Enabler is the one who just happens to have a fresh batch of cookies that need to be checked and tasted for quality.

7. The 7 Dwarves of Work

These little office elves have a lot to do, but not much of it seems to be doing work! There is Sleepy, Flirty, Drinky, Loafy, Lunchy, Gabby and Buttkiss. They'll fill up those 40 hours a week doing what they do best: Not working. Remember, everyone loves funny office cards!

6. Santa Bear, and the 7 Gay Elves

The names of these fabulous elves are Bitchy, Twinky, Horny, Queeny, Hunky, Tweeky and Butchy. They Keep Santa fabulous the other 364 days of the year. Also, their connection to the Gay Mafia was just a rumor.

5. Elf Stats

This card shows that as in the human population, 1 out of every 10 elves is actually a fairy!

4. The 7 Dwarves of Xmas

Gifty, Cheery, Cooky, Twinkly, Santy, Chargey and Carol are the dwarves of the Christmas season! Watch out with your wallet and Chargey and let Cooky into your kitchen to whip you some fresh, homemade Christmas cookies!

3. Elf Awareness Elf

This elf is the guiding force behind maintaining the positive elf image and avoiding the pitfalls of elf abuse. Elf peer-pressure is a serious issue and building up elf self confidence is key!

2. Santa's Elves

How does Santa obtain all his elves? He has a recruiting company, of course! Where elves originally come from, no one knows because of the strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy of real elf homeland.

1. Cookieholics Anonymous

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How did Santa start off on his cookie habit? I mean, you didn't really think that everyone came up with the idea of leaving out cookies of all kinds for Santa on their own, did you? No. Santa was hooked on the sugary goodness of Christmas cookies and brought those people better gifts. The houses with Girl Scout cookies reportedly had the greatest gifts even if they weren't so nice. Word spread, Santa's appetite increased, and he has been trying to break the habit ever since.

10. What do skeletons say before dinner?
Bone appetite.

9. What subject is a witch's best subject in school?
Spelling.

8. Why do witches still fly on a broom after all these years?
Vacuum cleaners don't have a long enough cord.

7. What do monsters have for desert?
Ice Scream.

6. Why didn't the skeleton cross the street?
He didn't have the guts.

5. What do people on Twitter do on Halloween?
Trick-or-tweet.

4. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare.

3. Where ghosts water ski?
On Lake Erie.

2. Where do ghosts go to relax?
The Dead Sea.

1. What do you call a witch who lives near Miami beach?
A sand-witch.

10. Dogs can be trained.
9. Dogsare cheap to buy gifts for.
8.Dogs don't play games'unless it's fetch.
7. 'No' never means 'yes' to a dog.
6. Dogs never hog the bathroom in the morning.
5. Dogs are always happy to see you.
4. Dogs don't mind eating your leftovers.
3. You can have someone at the kennel watch your dog while you're gone.
2. You can have more than one dog in your house.
1. Dogs feel bad when they've done something wrong.

10. Frosty the Alcoholic Snowman
9. Arr! The Drunken Pirates Sing
8. I Saw Three Warships (Come Sailing In)
7. Zombie Bells
6. The Little Drummer Gangsta Boy
5. Anything but a Silent Night
4. O' Little Town of Belen
3. Rockin' Around the Christmas Patrol
2. Rudolph, the Substance-Abuse Reindeer
1. Santa Isn't Coming to Town

10. Randoff, the Smelliest Reindeer
9. The Night Santa was Arrested near the Lincoln Tunnel
8. The 12 Days of Layoffs
7. The Little Match Girl and Her AK-47
6. The Elves and the Shoemaker and Zombies
5. Christmas Day in the Morning, in an Islamic country
4. The Snowman goes to Hawaii
3. The Unholy Night
2. The Nutcracker and His Warrants
1. Christmas Carol...with Roseanne Barr

1. You don't have to be nice all year to get presents.
2. No need to go shopping for a Chanukah tree.
3. You don't have to put up Chanukah lights outside your house.
4. Eight days of presents instead of one.
5. No '12 Days of Dreidels' song.
6. You don't have to worry about Santa getting stuck in the chimney.
7. There isn't a Putz on 34th Street movie.
8. You don't have to explain that Santa was a lie to your kids.
9. There's no Howie Mandel Chanukah TV Special.
10. The Chanukah story more has elephants.

1. Streets with metered rooftop parking.
2. Streets with sleigh weight restrictions or curb side bag limits.
3. Streets with rigidly enforced "poop scoop" laws.
4. Streets informally known to local residents and law enforcement officials as "Crackhouse Row," "Boozecan Alley," or "Bucket of Blood Boulevard."
5. Any streets located within the city limits of Camden, New Jersey, or Gary, Indiana.
6. Streets within gated communities with posted "Stand Your Ground" laws.
7. Streets subject to "Wildlife Prohibited After 10 P.M." ordinances.
8. Any street where "The Grinches" or "The Scrooges" dwell.
9. Streets with all-hours open-hunting seasons.
10. Streets with trans fat or lactose allergy restrictions.

1. "No, thank you. Santa can't eat another cookie."
2. "Do I look fat in this outfit?"
3. "Better dead than red."
4. "Dear Virginia, I hear you don't believe in me. Just for that you're going on the Naughty List! No Christmas presents for you this year! Believe that, bitch!" – SC
5. "It's just too cold tonight. We're gonna have to ground 'er this Christmas."
6. "Ha ha ha! I know where all the naughty girls live."
7. "I wonder what the South Pole's like this time of year?"
8. "You just made my Shit List! Mwuh-ho-ho-ho!"
9. "Have you been drinking, Rudolph?"
10. "Just for fun, let's violate North Korean and Iranian airspace tonight. See if we can heat things up a bit."

1. Christmas is a race to see which gives out first, your money or your feet.
2. Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns?
3. Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.
4. Every Christmas I only buy gifts for friends when I find out they already got me one.
5. I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
6. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. – Shirley Temple
7. Roses are reddish, violets are bluish, if it werent for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish.
8. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
9. This year, I'm going to buy all of my Christmas gifts from Nike...Made for kids by kids.
10. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
11. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

1. "All New Years is to me is for taking down your dumb Christmas decorations. People who put up Christmas decorations, all they're saying is, 'Hey, we're not Jews.'" – Rich Vos
2. "Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." – Jon Stewart
3. "Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?" – Jim Gaffigan
4. "Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!" – Lewis Black
5. "I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!" – Marc Maron
6. "One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December." – Louis C.K.
7. "Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." – Dennis Miller
8. "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." – Jerry Seinfeld
9. "There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." – P.J. O'Rourke
10. "This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox." – Anthony Jeselnik

1. Christmas is the time for joy and happiness. During this season people forget the past and look towards tomorrow.
2. Christmas is the time to celebrate with friends and family. I wish you lots of joy, smiles and laughter this Christmas.
3. I hope Santa brings along a memorable moments and amazing gifts for you.
4. Merry Christmas. I know Santa will bring along lots of wonderful gifts for you. Merry Christmas.
5. If tonight some big fat man kidnaps and throws you in to a sack, then please stay calm. Because several people have asked Santa for a sweet friend like you.
6. Merry Christmas. If you wake up tomorrow morning and find no gifts from Santa, do not assume that he fails to exist. In fact that shall truly prove Santa's existence, because I have wished for your wishlist as my gift. Merry Christmas.
7. May the beauty of the stars descend from heaven into your home. Here's wishing you a joyous Christmas.
8. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year's Day! May all your dreams come true, this Christmas.
9. This Christmas, may Santa shower you with loads of joy, happiness and gifts.
10. This Christmas, may Santa send happiness and your favorite gifts. Merry Christmas.

1. I have nothing to ask Santa for since I already have you.
2. Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is true love.
3. All I want for Christmas is you.
4. I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep in all year long.
5. Christmas makes you want to be with people you love.
6. Your love is the best gift of all.
7. Your love is the present that no other can top.
8. Christmas is the season of love.
9. Love is all you need on a snowy, Christmas day.
10. Dear Santa, please bring me love this Christmas.

10 States With the Highest Graduation Rates and How They Voted

10. Iowa - Obama
9. Virginia - Obama
8. New Jersey - Obama
7. California - Obama
6. Vermont - Obama
5. Maryland - Obama
4. Pennsylvania - Obama
3. Connecticut - Obama
2. Rhode Island - Obama
1. Massachusetts - Obama

10 States With the Lowest Graduation Rates and How They Voted

10. South Dakota - Romney
9. Oklahoma - Romney
8. West Virginia - Romney
7. Idaho - Romney
6. Hawaii - Obama
5. Arkansas - Romney
4. Louisiana - Romney
3. New Mexico - Obama
2. Nevada - Obama
1. Alaska – Romney

According to HigherEDinfo.org

10. The first screw to get loose is the one that holds your tongue.
9. A goat also has a beard, but that doesn't make him a rabbi.
8. Even if the majority agrees on a stupid idea, it is still stupid.
7. The greatness of this or any country may is the number of people trying to get IN vs. the number trying to get OUT.
6. Most wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the stupid words spoken in earnest.
5. The best defense of our country is to keep it at all times WORTH defending.
4. War doesn't prove who is right; only who is alive.
3. War is better can abolishing nations faster than nations can abolishing wars.
2. You can't shake hands with a fist.
1. You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like that.

10. Santacli: Several Santas.
9. Santarrhea: Too many cookies have this effect.
8. Santa's Little Helper: Viagra.
7. Santantrum: When a child doesn't receive a gift on his or her Christmas list.
6. Santabetic: One who cannot handle too much Santa fun or too much Christmas.
5. Clausetrophobia: Fear of Santa.
4. Santa Style: Like Gangnam Style but in red and with a sleigh.
3. Santasy: Fantasying about the gifts Santa will bring.
2. Santa la vista, Baby: When Christmas is over, but will be back.
1. Santez: Mexican Santa.

10. Chrisacrastinate: Putting on the holiday shopping you can do today for tomorrow.
9. Christmas Adam: Day before Christmas Eve. Adam came before Eve, right?
8. Christmacide: When someone cruelly kills the holiday spirit of Christmas.
7. Christmess: The aftermath of opening Christmas gifts.
6. Christmastoe: Injuring toes while rearranging furniture to accommodate all the Christmas guests.
5. Christmas Tard: When someone sends you a Christmas cards after Christmas.
4. Christmas Chronic: Festive Christmas holiday Mary Jane.
3. Christmas Biscuit: A fart that lingers well until New Year's.
2. Christmi: Plural form of Christmas.
1. Chrisentrest: Pinning Christmas DIY on Pinterest.

These were quoted as the worst Christmas gifts year after year. Can you relate to these quotes? Have you been a victim of a crummy Christmas gift?

10. Christmas-themed Christmas sweaters.
9. A parking ticket.
8. A baby you didn't know about.
7. A subscription to Menopause Magazine.
6. A pink slip.
5. A box of kittens when you have a cat allergy.
4. Erectile dysfunction.
3. The flu.
2. Cinnamon flavored mayonnaise.
1. Star Wars Christmas Special DVD.

10. Butt burp
9. Dropping a bomb
8. Stink bomb
7. Silent Fart
6. Gas Master
5. Let one go
4. Break wind
3. Pass Gas
2. Make a stink
1. Fart

10. Weed
9. Buddha
8. Chronic
7. Mary Jane
6. 420
5. Ganja
4. Grass
3. Bash
2. Blunt
1. Pot

10. Chloe
9. Mia
8. Madison
7. Abigail
6. Emily
5. Ava
4. Olivia
3. Emma
2. Isabella
1. Sophia

10. Daniel
9. Aiden
8. Alexander
7. Ethan
6. Michael
5. Jayden
4. Noah
3. William
2. Mason
1. Jacob

10. Bronx Mowgli (Ashlee Simpson)
9. Apple (Gwyneth Palrow)
8. Knox Leon (Angelina Jolie)
7. Sunday Rose (Nicole Kidman)
6. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee)
5. Destry (Steven Spielberg)
4. Kal-el Coppola (Nicolas Cage)
3. Audio Silence (Shannyn Sossamon)
2. Rocket (Pharrell Williams)
1. Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson)

10. LOL – Laughing out loud
9. LMFAO – Laughing my fucking ass off
8. LMAO – Laughing my ass off
7. ROFL – Rolling on the floor laughing
6. BRB – Be right back
5. GTG/G2G – Got to go
4. OMG – Oh my God
3. IDK – I don't know
2. ttyl – Talk to you later
1. WTF – What the fuck

10. I.P. Freely
9. Seymour Butz
8. Mike Rotch
7. Hugh Jass
6. Bea O'Problem
5. Amanda Huggenkiss
4. Ivana Tinkle
3. Anita Bath
2. Drew P. Weiner
1. Yuri Nater

1. Datsun – deemed too tiny-sounding even for tiny reindeer, too unreliable, and too commercial.
2. Panzer – considered excessively war-like, with too many negative connotations for veterans and people living in formerly German-occupied territories.
3. Blixen – too "Out of Africa"; unattractive sounding and looking (see Streep).
4. Basher – deemed too violent; although it did score highly with English soccer hooligans, their birds, and their children.
5. Duncer – too politically incorrect/insensitive; although a handicapped reindeer was thought to be inclusive and, therefore, good PR.
6. Vomet – air-sickness-related and gross-out issues considered too toxic; though highly favored by young boys, teen comedy producers, and college fraternity brothers.
7. Prixer – considered too pointedly suggestive for evangelical Christians and bluenose feminists.
8. Sexton – deemed too old-fashioned and out of common language usage; scored high with ancient mariners.
9. Gonner – considered too fatalistic a name for a flying animal; other reindeer refused to take-off with someone named Gonner.
10. Cueball – it was concluded that a furless, funny reindeer would never fly with the public, despite strong support from the over-fifty male crowd.

1. Cut up and fold the Sunday newspaper comics section into halves to create "humorous" greeting cards.
2. Fold up too-small-to-use Christmas wrapping paper remnants into halves to create "Seasonal" greetings.
3. Use two squares of toilet paper to create a multi-purpose greeting card.
4. Kids: use 'found' items from your parents, grandparents, and brothers and sisters (such as: a $100 bill from Dad's wallet, Mom's secret baby-daddy DNA results, Gran's cardiogram chart, Sis' report card or college rejection letter) and fold over and scribble on for Christmas cheer freak-out results.
5. Two food coupons taped together makes a card and present in one.
6. Two foil punch-packets of breath mints stapled together makes a unique card and also sends a message.
7. Cut the tops and bottoms off discarded tin cans, unroll the cylinders, and then fold them in half to create shiny, decorative cards that will last.
8. Carefully dry and fold uneaten turkey skin to create a personalized card and "don't pick on me" reminder for the neighborhood serial killer.
9. Cut up unwanted gifted socks/ties/handkerchiefs/sweaters into sections and then stitch them together to create a gentle but firm reminder to loved ones not to get you the same damn thing again next year.
10. Unfold used paper table napkins to create textures Christmas cards full of aromatic good memories.

1. O: God @God

@Pontifex yo! s'up, my man (on earth)?
How r u celebr8ing my son's bday? Nuther boring speech? LOL!
Have a holy night, bro.

I: For Christ's sake, have yourself a Merry Christmas

2. O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex

Hey, i thought i had 1.1 BILLION followers!?
Cmon, guys! The Bieb's way ahead.

God @God

@Pontifex YOU have followers!? LMFAO!

I: Follow the lead: have a Happy Birthday

3. O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex

Another GD pointy hat for my bday!
Can u f'ing believe it!?

I: The point is: make the most of it, and have yourself a Happy Birthday!

4. O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex

Had lots of presents for every1 this Xmas. But the butler stole them!
LOL! Am i wicked or what?

I: Help yourself to a Merry Christmas!

5. O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex

All u GD kids stop txting me! I'm not Santa Claus!
WAFPITA!

I: Try to stay on His nice list this year. Merry Christmas!

6. O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex

Any1 else c Biebr on The View?
Bless me, who cr8td that ass!? LOL! I'll tweet the Man upstrs and get back 2 u.

I: Holy shit! It's your Birthday!
Have a god one! I mean, a good one!

7. O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex

2 evry1: pls continue 2 confess @ yr local church.
Txting it in doesn't count. Thx. And give generously.

I: I could've just phoned it in, but I got you this lovely card, instead.
Happy B-Day!

8. O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex

Jst heard abt this church where a blindflded kid picks the new Pope!
WTF's up with that!? R way is much better—SAYS ME! LOL!

I: You have been chosen to have a Happy Birthday!

9. O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex

EPIC SRMON 2DAY!! Even the BIG GUY txtd me 2 say GR8 JOB!
I was on fire. In a good way. LOL!

I: Have yourself one Hell of a Birthday!

10. O: Benedict XVI @Pontifex

Did u c Beyonce at the Grammys!?
Bless me, i'd hit that any given Sunday! #booty

God @God

@Pontifex Focus, my son. Or i'm shutting down your account. Again!

I: It's your Birthday! You can do anything you want! (within reason)

Google has a funny bacon Google search tool aptly called the "Bacon Number" that calculates the connection between every actor with Kevin Bacon. The new search is based on a Pennsylvania's Albright College student game of connecting how far everyone in Hollywood is removed from Kevin Bacon. Try this bacon fun sometime!

10. Jessica Alba's Bacon Number

9. Jennifer Aniston's Bacon Number

8. Halle Berry's Bacon Number

7. Jessica Biel's Bacon Number

6. Brad Pitt's Bacon Number

5. Humphrey Bogart's Bacon Number

4. Leonardo DiCaprio's Bacon Number

3. Audrey Hepburn's Bacon Number

2. Elvis' Bacon Number

1. Mark Wahlberg's Bacon Number

Brought to you by BACON!

10. Laser Keyboard. It's like something out of Total Recall. Type anywhere! Type in the dark. Type on a napkin. How could I not know how much I wanted this?

9. Pop-Bubble Calendar. Every morning you get to start off the day with a satisfying "pop" from the funny calendar.

8. Chewbacca Jacket. One does not need to even be that big of a Star Wars fan to fall in love with this fuzzy futuristic monster jacket. It's that bad-ass.

7. Mustache Hangers. These giant mustache hangers will make you smile every time you open your closet.

6. Sweet Hovercraft. It looks like something out of Star Trek. Or Star wars. Or Firefly. You know, one of those futuristic movies. But you don't need a time machine to cruise one of these bad boys, you just need a lot of money.

5. USB Outlet. Sometimes you just want to charge your phone, mp3 player, camera or something else with a USB plug (what else would possibly use a USB plug?) but you don't want to wait for your computer to turn on. This is the perfect solution. In fact, all houses should come with these installed.

4. Zelda Wedding Rings. These are so awesome that even non-gamers will wish they had a ring with such style and finesse.

3. Gun Alarm Clock. This target alarm clock will in tip-top shooting strength whether you work at the CIA or Wholefoods.

2. Message Toaster. Is there a meeting in the afternoon? Do you want to let your kids know you love them? Why not burn that message on toast with this tiny, cute toaster. Whatever you can think of, even a naughty toaster message, you can write it on this toaster.

1. Glow in the Dark Laces. Do you have shoes with grommets (i.e., the little holes on the sides)? Do you go out at night? If you answered "yes" to both of these questions, you may be in need of these fiber optic laces.

Sometimes Google has a mind of its own as you search for something in the Google search engine. Sometimes Google tries to read your mind as you type by using what other people have searched for to guess what you're going to search for. Sometimes Google is tragically wrong! Here are the strangest Google search results of the day.

10. Why Do Black

Before anything could come after black—maybe we were searching for "cats"— Google decided that we were not only searching for black people, but also searching for black stereotypes. Now, we'll never know why do black disappear around Halloween.

9. Can Chuck Norris

What do people wonder about what Chuck Norris can do? According to this search result, people are worried that Chuck Norris is going to find them (and possibly kick some ass?). Just what are people doing in their spare time to bring on the wrath of Norris?

8. Google Is

What is Google? Evil? God (this one made us LOL) ? Your friend? Better than Bing? Whatever Google is, we have a feeling someone over at the corporate office thinks they're God. Let's just hope Google is our friend because I need someone to loan me $20 tonight.

7. Why Do Home

Before we could even finish typing "homes" Google just decided that we probably wanted to know why homeless people smelled or that we were secretly knocked up. Let's just hope they're not homeless and holding a faulty pregnancy test.

6. Why Do Rednecks Have

Why do Rednecks have such awesome BBQs? Well, that's not what Google thought we wanted. Google thought we wanted to know why rednecks are missing teeth, as if there were no rednecks with a full set while they waved their confederate flags all while sporting mullets and full beards. We're really going to have to take a trip to the South to see if it is so.

5. Obama Eats

Babies. People are really wondering if Obama eats babies when he's not working with congress or talking with dignitaries from around the world. Instead of worrying if Obama has some economic solutions to our current problems, people want to know if he's a cannibal.

4. Why Do Hippies

If you were wondering why hippies like Bob Dylan, you're alone. Everyone else wants to know why hippies have a foul smell as they hula hoop with their long hair.

3. Walmart is

Walmart is everything. Good. Evil. Bad. Good. Google really doesn't know if you're pro or anti Walmart so it's going to go with everything so you can find links to however you were leaning with Walmart.

2. White Woman

Come on. You have to admit this made you laugh. People connect "white woman" and "Eddie Murphy" after they're done working our their syndromes.

1. Why am I De

Why am I dead? Well, because you're a zombie. Now, get back to the cast of Walking Dead before someone notices you're missing. Don't you have brains to eat?

Hipsters and Jesus. Jesus died for the sins of the world. Hipsters wear skinny jeans and listen to underground bands and sponge off their parents well into their 30s.You can find them sipping off of $4 lattes while complaining about how industrialized the world has become despite the fact they couldn't survive a day on the farm without going into a holy daze. They don't like to do anything everyone else is doing because they find coolness in the obscure, but end up looking and acting like all the other hipsters they're friends with. These two things, hipsters and Jesus, don't seem to be related until you take a closer look at Jesus' life. Here are the Top 10 Jesus Memes we found on the internet.

10. Hipster Jesus Loved You Before You Were Cool.

Hipster Jesus was a very humble guy seeing as he had the power of a god, because he was God.

9. YOLO (You Only Live Once)

YOLO is an acronym that became a famous hastag on Twitter. People started ending all their tweets on Twitter with YOLO to mention something crazy they did because they only live once.

8. Jesus Never Said HE Hated the Gays

Really. Look it up if you don't believe us. All that gay stuff is in other passages where Jesus isn't talking. Marching around with a entourage of guys, you think the topic would have come up at least a few times.

7. Jesus Came Back To Life

Jesus came back to life before it was cool. Take that, Walking Dead!

6. People Followed Jesus Before Twitter

Who followed you before Twitter? A random stalker? Jesus had a whole crew of people wanting to hear everything he thought about throughout the day.

5. He Had a Whole Book Written About Him

They had to literally rewrite the book about everything when he came along.

4. Jesus Only Preached In Small, Middle Eastern Venues

If you wanted to see Jesus live, you had to travel to where he was in the Middle East.

3. Jesus Has Street Cred

Jesus was born in a barn, afterall.

2. Jesus Grew Up In a Jewish Household

He grew up with two Jewish parents and inspired an entire new religion that changed everything he had studied and learned about being Jewish.

1. Walking On Land—Too Mainstream

Jesus could walk on water. Jesus could moonwalk on water if he wanted.

10. People would assume you were fluent in French and Japanese by looking at your digital movie collections.

9. You like to randomly bring up all the places you've been to in conversations, "Books? Why, yes, I had a book when I was backpacking in the Amazon to take picture of indigenous tribes."

8. You wore nerd classes before they were mainstream.

7. No matter the time of year, you have a scarf.

6. No one has heard of your favorite cool band, and once they have, it's not your favorite band anymore.

5. You moved into an ethnic neighborhood because of the unique feel of it, and so did everyone else, so all the ethnic people were forced out because property values increased too much.

4. You own six or more pairs of skinny jeans.

3. You tell your friends you only shop at thrift shops.

2. It takes you 30 minutes to make your hair look like you just rolled out of bed.

1. You've his book, "Infinite Jest" by David Foster Wallace.

10. "In space no one can hear you scream." – Alien (1979)
9. "Houston, we have a problem." – Apollo 13 (1995)
8. "They're back." – Poltergeist II (1986)
7. "We are not alone." – Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
6. "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water." – Jaws 2 (1978)
5. "Be afraid. Be very afraid." – The Fly (1986)
4. "The horror...the horror." – Apocalypse Now (1979)
3. "They're young...they're in love...and they kill people." – Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
2. "The classic story about a boy and his mother." – Psycho (1998)
1. "Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get." – Forrest Gump (1994)

10. I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I? A naughty nose!
9. What can you catch but not throw? A cold.
8. The man who made this doesn't want one. The person who buys it doesn't need it. The person who needs it doesn't know it. What is it? A coffin.
7. Some say I'm too fast other's to slow and people are always trying to find me. What am I? Time.
6. There are four children and four chocolate bunnies in a basket. Each child gets a chocolate bunny, yet there is still a chocolate bunny in the basket. How can this happen? One of the children kept the basket.
5. What is it that you can take away whole and still have some left over? Wholesome.
4. What three consecutive days can you say without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday? Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
3. What has no flesh, feathers, scales or bones, but has fingers and thumbs? Gloves
2. What is lighter than a feather but something no man can hold for very long? A breath.
1. Who is your father's sister's sister-in-law be to you? Your mother.

10. Because chocolate can't get you pregnant.

9. Birthday cake misspelling.

8. Birthday cake fart.

7. Birthday cake in drag.

6. Birthday cake icing joke.

5. Birthday cake egg joke.

4. Birthday cake "baked" joke.

3. Birthday cake too-many-candles joke.

2. Birthday cake therapy joke.

1. Birthday cake booger joke.

10. Unicorn Meat

"Don't order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the Pegasus ranches. Don't believe the propaganda of Lisa Frank and the other tycoons of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures is the abattoir and the rainbow factory. Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead" ‐ V. Zhirinovsky "Vlad the Mad"

9. Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer

"I don't see it listed anywhere in the product description but this product is not only good for when you touch your own naughty parts but also after you have touched someone else's parts! It's like a two-in one thing. Um 5 in one. 3..." – Nicnac

8. Uranium Ore

"Whenever I fly I always pack a can of this wonder stuff in each piece of my luggage. As we all know, so many bags look alike. How often do you get to your hotel, only to find you have walked away with the wrong bag, and are forced to wear a stranger's underwear for the rest of the trip? We've all been there right? So when that confusing luggage starts whirling around the baggage claim carousel I just whip out my Geiger Counter and let the uranium go to work for me. I merely wait for those comforting clicks (and after longer flights look for the glowing hot spot) and I know I have found my bags. Occasionally airlines lose my bags (yes, it does happen people). But whenever I fill out that claim form, and let them know my uranium is missing - well I tell you, they literally SPRING into action. They'll track down that errant bag faster than you can say "Chernobyl."

And I cannot tell you how many new friends I have made in TSA and Customs since I've adopted this sure-fire system. Nothing brightens their day quite like finding a traveler with potentially fissionable material. Throw away those gaudy rainbow bag straps forever and step into the atomic age. It's no longer just uranium, it's my-ranium. Thanks Amazon!" – Shady Ave Reader

7. Whole Rabbit

"I bought two, left them alone in the refrigerator for a week, and now I have thirty-eight.

Off to buy a bigger fridge." – J. A. KONRATH "Thriller Author"

6. Tuscan Milk

"I'm not usually one to give in to the hype. But everyone keeps talking about this 'Tuscan milk' and how it's the new Macarena. It's Texas Hold 'Em, low carbs, and reality TV all rolled into one. But this is one fad that is sure to last.

I bought my first gallon, and not being one for moderation, I ended up drinking the whole gallon one morning. I was just going to drink a glass before work, then be on my way. One glass turned into two. Two turned into a bigger glass. Next thing I know I was sprawled out on my living room floor next to the empty gallon.

I stumbled up and made my way out the door, only to arrive at work and meet an angry boss. He said he was letting me go, and I was 'no longer a part of the vision.' I was angry. And very much disappointed. I loaded my things into my car and drove away.

On the way home, my car started sputtering. All the lights came on, and my engine fell out while going down the freeway. I pulled to the side of the road, and started walking. I certainly wasn't going to call a tow truck, I can't afford it now.

I then got the bright idea to call my girlfriend. Upon answering, I could hear a man's voice in the background. She was out of breath, and certainly had just come back from a long jog. I asked if she would come and pick me up, and she said she was 'indisposed at the moment.' I then became more angry, and asked her why not. She promptly dumped me.

With my belly still full of Tuscan Milk, I plodded on towards my home. I started pondering why she was leaving me, and entertained the thought that it must have something to do with that man in the background. Who was he? Why was he there? Then it dawned on me. The truth, as I had then thought, had arrived.

It's that damn Tuscan milk! I foolishly blamed the milk for my problems. I lost my job, my car broke, and my girlfriend left me. All in one morning! I thought the milk was the cause.

Hours later, I arrived at my home. 'Nice' I thought, as I spotted the 30 day notice. The thought of now getting kicked out my house kind of made me smile. At this point, nothing could get worse, right? It's not like a gang of ninjas is going to come in and kill my family or something.

If you didn't catch the sarcasm in that last paragraph, a gang of ninjas did indeed come in and kill my family. Got 'em all. But still, I don't blame the milk now.

You might ask, 'why Jeremy? why are you so jovial?' The answer to that, my friends, is because I'm days away from becoming a millionaire. This whole situation will be erased. With my millions, everything will change.

Fired from my job? Now I don't need one.
Car broke down? I'll buy a Lexus instead.
Kicked out my house? To heck with renting, I'll buy a new one.
Family dead? I'll buy a new one.
Girlfriend left? You get the picture.

All my problems are solved!

A few days ago I received an email from the prince of Nigeria. It appear their government is collapsing. And they need to move 100 million dollars out of there, STAT. So they researched, searching the world for a top secret, financial mercenary to give the money to, and found me. They must have heard about my skills. So they contacted me. I get, as a commission, ten percent of the take. If you think about it, that's a pretty good deal for someone who is saving your country.

I've given them the necessary banking information to the proper agents, and everything should be transferring soon. I will hang out in the park, where I now live, and wait for that phone call. Once I receive the phone call, the money went through, and you are looking at a ten millionaire. I think I'll go purchase some new duds, and maybe head down to Vegas and bet ten thousand a hand. I'll fly to Miami and dig my toes in the sand, or jet off to Hawaii for some fun in the sun.

I'm here at the library surfing Amazon, and wanted to order some milk. For some reason my ATM wouldn't go through, kept saying insufficient funds, even though there is money in there. Must be some mistake. I'm off to the bank to ask them what's up, but first I thought I'd tell you all about the milk that saved my life.

RECOMMENDED A+++++++" – Jeremy Morgan

5. Wolf Shirt

"This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark." – B. Govern "Bee-Dot-Govern"

4. BIC Ball Pen

"Do you recall the old Bic pen commercials where they fire a Bic pen into a piece of wood and it still writes? Well I do, but I never really believed it. That is, until I had the necessary task of defending my life with the aid of a Bic pen. Coming home and alarming an intruder, I found myself locked in mortal combat with a very large man who was intent on killing me. My only weapon was the Bic Cristal ballpoint pen I routinely carry in the breast pocket of my starched white pinpoint oxford button down.

I was able to successfully insert my Bic Cristal ballpoint pen into the esophageal area of my attacker's throat and incapacitate him until the constables arrived to take him into custody. Paramedics removed the pen from his throat and returned it to me. Rather amazingly, I wiped the blood and a small amount of body tissue from the pen and used it to write my police statement.

Though not commonly considered a weapon of self defense, my Bic Cristal ballpoint pen proved to me the old adage that "the pen is mightier than the sword." (I must admit though, that I would have far preferred a sword had I the option to choose beforehand.) All in all, a five star rating for this dual-use pen." – donniedarko "donnie"

3. Squirrel Mask

"I have spent my whole life wanting to be a stupid squirrel. Knowing deep down inside that I should have been born a squirrel. I sit for hours outside under a tree with my squirrel friends just hoping that one day I won't feel like an outsider but truly one of them. They are kind and tell me to not take it so hard and that its ok to be different but deep down inside I know I am just a human....until now. Once I put on the mask I was no longer an outsider any more but a real squirrel. I felt for the first time in my life I wasn't living a lie anymore. Every day trying to be something that I'm not. And after my species reassignment surgery I will be who I was meant to be, who I should have been in the first place a squirrel." –  A.Joy

2. Twilight Book

"I don't get it. I just don't get it. I thought young adult fiction had hit its low point with Eragon, but apparently I was wrong. Bella Swan (literally, "beautiful swan," which should be a red flag to any discerning reader) moves to the rainy town of Forks, and the whining begins on page 1. She goes to live with her father Charlie, and is quickly established to be a moppey, ungrateful, self-pitying little toerag. Bella then attends her new school, which turns out to be an all-out caricature of high school with about zero (rounding up) grounding in real life. Her classmates' reaction can be summed up thusly: "OMG. NEW STUDENT. OMG YOU GUYS, NEW STUDENT. STARE AT HER, FOR SHE IS CLEARLY SUPERIOR TO US." Bella Sue is promptly adored by everyone in the school, except the mysterious Cullns, who spend their time brooding, being pretty, smoldering, being perfect, and sparkling. No, seriously. NO, SERIOUSLY. Bella meets Edward, the Culleniest of the Cullens, (meaning he is more perfect and emo than the rest of them,) they fall in love within thirty pages, (much of this time is spent in Bella's head going back and forth between "Does he like me?" "Does he hate me?" "Do I like him?" "Why does he hate me?" and on and on and on AND ON. That is, when she's not being a horrible snobby twit to the boys at school who show affection in genuinely sweet ways, i.e., not breaking into her house and watching her while she sleeps. While she sleeps. Not knowing that he's there. IN HER HOUSE.) The plot shows up somewhere in the last fifty pages, which involves an EVIIIIIILL vampire named James who wants to eat Bella. James is the only character I like.

I generally try to find something redeeming about books, but I honestly have nothing good to say about this drivel. Meyer writes as if the reader is an absolute idiot who has to be told every sing tiny little thing; we are never given the chance to interpret what's going on in the characters' heads. There is no mystery, no intrigue, no suspense. The characters themselves are cut-and-dried, stereotypical, and maddeningly unoriginal. Bella's (supposedly) the clever, beautiful heroine, Edward's the dark, brooding bad boy, James is... uh, the guy that wants to eat Bella. Meyer clearly wants Bella to be a strong female character, but the horrible sad truth is that she's pathetic. Bella follows Edward's every word religiously, never sticks up for herself, has no spine to speak of, plays Suzie Housewife to her father, and has no existence outside of her "romance" with Edward. On that note, let it be said that Nathaniel Hawthorne got more romance into a few lines about a rosebush than Meyer managed to cram into 400 pages. Edward and Bella's relationship consists almost entirely of staring at each other dewy-eyed and arguing about who's prettier (NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.)" – Rachel Rooker "Snark Monster"

1. A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates Book

"Such a terrific reference work! But with so many terrific random digits, it's a shame they didn't sort them, to make it easier to find the one you're looking for"– a curious reader

Have you ever been surfing the internet and wondered where the biggest holes on earth were? Well, wonder no more! We at NobleWorks have a collection of the biggest holes out there! These holes might be amazing, but some are quite terrifying...especially when one reaches the end of the list! Don't say we didn't warn you.

10. Great Blue Hole, Belize

As its not-so-clever name would suggest, this is a great, blue hole near the lovely country of Belize. This bad-boy was formed during the Ice Age as a cave, so if you're looking for an old hole with some cool stalactites, here it is!

9. Chuquicamata, Chile

In Chile, not to be confused with the delicious food chili, there is an open-pit copper mine called Chuquicamata. Try saying that five times fast!

8. Darvaza Gas Crater, Turkmenistan

People in the area fondly call this place "The Gate to Hell." Also, there are no people in the area because who wants to live near the Gate to Hell? If you're wondering how this hole came to be, it all started with some scientists. They found this giant cavern of natural gas. Instead of harnessing the gas to use as power, they decided to light that bitch up. Unfortunately, they didn't realize how much gas was in there.
Let's just say it's still burning.

7. Diavik Mine, Canada

Canadians have some big holes too. This places pumps out 3,500 pounds of diamonds every year. I think that's just enough to make Paris Hilton happy for a day.

6. Sinkhole, Guatemala

This sinkhole ripped away house and killed people. It was caused, according to reports, by a faulty sewage system which is pretty scary.

5. Mirny Diamond Mine, Russia

No, this isn't the aftermath of a meteorite assaulting the Earth with a terrible hit...it's from Russia looking for diamonds.

4. "Glory Hole" Monticello, California

Isn't a "glory hole" something at a dirty book store? This hole got its glorious name because it was so big. Or that's just what people say. In reality it's a spillway when there is too much water.

3. "Big Hole" Kimberley, South Africa

Not only is this hole big, it was also dig out by hand, take that Russia and your jet engines! This hole doesn't produce diamonds anymore but did give birth to De Beers, the infamous diamond cartel.

2. Bigham Copper Mine, Utah

Another unimaginatively named hole, the Bigham Copper Mine in Utah is the biggest hole in the area...so far.

1. Bottomless Pit, Washington, D.C.

The most frightening of all the holes is this one. It swallows trillions and trillions of dollars every year without looking back. Much like the Gate to Hell in Russia, this hole in Washington doesn't look like it will ever stop! The money is never seen again and no one knows what happened to the money poured into it. It simply vanishes. Some say you can find a lot of assholes in the area. Even the president can't stop it.

Anyone who has ever had a dog will tell you, dogs do some weird and destructive things. Owners take it out on the dogs by publicly embarrassing their pets on the internet so the whole world can see that Fido has been a bad dog.

The classic elements of dog shaming include a doggy confession written on a card held up next to the shameful dog. Let that be a lesson to all the naughty dogs that pee on Christmas trees!

10. Dog Shaming Picture: To Kill a Mocking Bird

9. Dog Shaming: Stolen Ice Cream

8. Dog Shaming: Jump

7. Dog Shaming: Coal Eater

6. Dog Shaming: Doll Killer

5.Dog Shaming: Stealing Baby Snacks

4. Dog Shaming: Barking at Mexicans

3. Dog Shaming: Kitty Litter Muncher

2. Dog Shaming: Carpet Destruction

1. Dog Shaming: Butt Licker, Face Kisser

10. My mother taught me to appreciate when someone does a job well. She always said, "If you're going to kill each other, take it outside.
9. My mother taught me the value of faith. She said, "You better pray I can fix this mess you made."
8. My mother taught me the real side of time travel. She said, "If you don't hurry up, I'm gonna kick you into next week."
7. My mother taught me how to think and use logic when she said, "Because I say so, that's why!"
6. My mother taught me the ways of irony when she would say, "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
5. My mom taught me about weather conditions because she would always say, "Did a tornado come through here?"
4. My mom taught me about death because she'd always say, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out."
3. My mother taught me lessons in hypocrisy when she said, "If I told you once, I told you a hundred times, 'Don't exaggerate!'"
2. My mother taught me about behavior modification when she would say, "Stop acting like your dad!"
1. My mother taught me about envy when she said, "There are millions of children in this world who don't have amazing parents like you do!"

People like to think of Darth Vader as a dark overlord with choking heartlessness that can't be quelled. While that was true during his Dark Side years, he was in many ways just like you or me. And how could anyone not want to join the Dark Side? Full medical and dental coverage were offered even to new Storm troopers. Funny birthday cards are also standard, we heard.

10. Darth Vader Meets Batman

9. Darth Vader Finds a Book That Changes His Life

8. Darth Vader Hanging Out With Cape MeetUp Group

7. Darth Vader Goes to the Beach

6. DJ Darth Vader Mixing Beats

5. Darth Vader Time Traveler

4. Darth Vader Visits Crazy Uncle Bob

3. Darth Vader at Disney Land

2. Darth Vader After The Clone War

1. Darth Vader Finding His Musical Passion

10. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrew it.
9. I used to be a banker, but then I found that I had lost interest.
8. Ghoulish French pancakes give me the crepes.
7. My iPod is like the Titanic, it's always syncing.
6. My brother is addicted to brake fluid, but he tells us he can stop any time.
5. She said she remembered me from the Vegetarian MeeUp, but I've never met herbivore.
4. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
3. I'm currently reading a book on anti-gravity that's hard to put down.
2. My doctor said if I get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
1. Broken arrows are pointless.

These are the funniest world maps out there, but we can't say they are politically correct. In fact, these are the most politically incorrect maps floating around. We really had a scour the internet, looking in the strangest places to find these oddities. Maps of how New Yorkers and Americans seeing the world, or, at least, how some. The funniest part is how wrong these pseudo cartographers are!

10. New Yorker's Map of America

9. The World According to Ronald Regan

8. Asia According to Americans

7. The Bed According to a Cat

6. Europe According to Americans

5. Europe According to Gay Men

4. America as Seen by Europeans

3. America as Seen by Canadians

2. America According to Common Sense

1. The World, According to Americans

No one is quite sure how the horse head/horse mask phenomena started, but we do know it's not going anywhere. The appeal of the horse mask should be obvious: it makes for a golden photo opportunity. Mundane things, such as a day at the office or hitting the bar after work, suddenly seem a hundred—no, make that a thousand—times funner. So why don't you grab a horse mask and add some laughs to your day? While you're at it, pick up some NobleWorks birthday cards for her (whoever she is) today!

Here are the top 10 horse mask pictures!

10. Horse Mask Honeymoon

9. Horse Head Dog

8. Horse Mask Guy

7. Horse Mask Bearing Arms

6. Horses at the Bar

5. Romantic Horse Head Date

4. Horse Mask Rave

3. Horse Man in the Bathroom

2. Horse at Splash Mountain

1. Horse Man at Work

It's Easter time again, and with that comes whimsical Easter eggs to brighten your day and make you laugh. Why not boil up some eggs, bring out the paint and hide some Easter eggs and enjoy this Easter with your friends and family. Who knows? Maybe the Easter Bunny will hide beer at your house. Be sure to check out NobleWorks funny line of Easter greeting cards for friends and family members. You won't be sorry.

10. Vampire Easter Eggs

9. Happy Easter Eggs

8. Storm trooper Eggs

7. Broken Eggs

6. You Have Too Much Time on Your Hands, Easter Eggs

5. Tribute Easter Eggs

4. Optimistic Easter Eggs

3. Getting to Know You, Easter Eggs

2. Pokemon Easter Eggs

1. South Park Easter Eggs

Other than Santa's lap, the only other laps parents ask their kids to sit on seems to be the Easter Rabbit. For some reason, some children are terrified of mutant-size rabbits with huge fangs and floppy ears. Who knew? Cute chocolate bunnies scare no one, however. Maybe instead of taking your kids to see the Easter bunny, you can do a funny Easter egg hunt instead and save your child some therapy down the road.

10. Scary, White Rabbit

9. Mutant-Head Easter Rabbit

8. Pedo-Bunny

7. Vampire Easter Rabbit

6.Retro Bunny

5. Creepy Easter Bunny

4. Dust Bunny Easter Bunny

3. Easter Rabbit From the Land of Nightmares

2. Plotting to Kill You, Easter Rabbit

1. Easter Bunny Mugger

Easter peeps are an Easter favorite! But sometimes one can find herself with too many marsh mellow peeps around the Easter holiday. These cute little guys won't fit into a funny Easter card for brother or sister, that's for sure. So what to do with too many peeps? This is quite a delicious predicament.

Why not have some fun with your peeps and let them have fun. Here are just some funny peep dioramas other people have done with peeps to inspire you!

10. Sesame Peeps

9. Artsy Peeps

8. Sushi Peeps

7. Jesus Peeps

6. Simpsons Peeps

5. Alien Peeps

4. Jurassic Peeps

3. NASA Peeps

2. Zombie Peeps

1. Biblical Peeps

What career path did you want to be as a child growing up? We're guessing it was something normal like being a teacher or a police officer (funny police jokes, anyone?) Maybe you even dreamed of being a lawyer and going to law school someday. Well, there are other jobs, and not only are these jobs you didn't know existed, but they have their experts. How does one exactly study to be a chocolate beer expert? We didn't see that major listed in our college course catalog before we graduated and received lots of funny graduation cards from family. We would like to present you with some very strange and bizarre experts that do exist. Who knew?

10. Porn Historian

9. Shredded Cheese Authority

8. Cat Behavior Consultant.

7. Smarties Expert

6. Wizard, Mail Santa, Rasputin Impersonator

5. Bride Kidnapping Expert

4. Bread Scientist

3. Chocolate Beer Specialist

2. MILF Commander

1. Paperfolder

Mascots are the symbols of team. They bring luck and help the crowd cheer for the team drumming up applause and excitement for the crowd. While the football players are asking the coaches if they are the hugs or kisses, the mascots are out there singing and dancing.

Some people are unfortunate enough to have bad mascots. And by bad, we mean HORRIBLE. Really, what were they thinking? A few of these mascots have been retired, but we remember. Let's look at the 10 worst mascots of all time.

10. University of California, Santa Cruz: Banana Slug

9. Xavier University, Cincinnati: Blue Blob

8. Delta State University, Cleveland: The Fighting Okra

7. Philadelphia 76ers: Hip Hop

6. University of Nebraska, Lincoln: Lil Red

5. Syracuse University in Syracuse, New York: Otto the Orange

4. Oregon: Roboduck

3. Seattle Sonics: Squatch

2. Stanford University, Stanford: Stanford Tree

1. Montreal Canadiens: Youppi

Maybe your birthday boy or girl doesn't want candy or flowers. Perhaps this person wants something different and more computer related. So make a birthday banner. That's different. Here's a list of the top 10 birthday banner sites we could find. Just don't forget the hilarious cards from NobleWorks Cards! Everyone loves birthday cards.

10. Live Banner Maker
9. Banner Fans
8. Banner Creator
7. Online Banner Generator
6. 3D Text Maker
5. Banner Sketch
4. Flash Vortex
3. Banner Snack
2. Templates Box
1. The PC Man

Why go to the store when you can make your own cake? As long as you have the bowls and pans already, why not? These birthday cake recipes are the perfect addition to the humorous birthday cards you bought from NobleWorks. Stir up the laughs and whip up some delicious treats of your very own. People might even ask where you got the recipe. Don't worry, we won't tell.

Carmel Cake

THE CAKE:
16 tbsp. unsalted butter
3 cups cake flour, sifted
2 1/2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
1 cup milk
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups sugar
4 eggs
3 cake pans
3 bowls
1 mixer

THE FROSTING:
3 1/2 cups sugar
12 tbsp. unsalted butter, melted
2 (15-oz.) cans evaporated milk
1 egg
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 tsp. baking soda

Instructions
1. Heat oven to 400°. Butter and flour three 9" cake pans, and set aside. Mix flour, baking powder, and salt in a bowl; set aside. Mix milk and vanilla in a bowl, and set aside. In the bowl with a mixer cream butter and sugar on medium-high speed until pale and fluffy, for about 4 minutes. Then add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition until the batter is smooth. Divide batter among prepared pans, and smooth with a rubber spatula. Tap pans lightly on a counter to expel any large air bubbles. Bake cakes until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean, about 25 minutes. Let cakes cool for 20 minutes in pans; invert onto wire racks, and let cool.

2. Make the icing and assemble the cake: Mix 3 cups sugar, butter, milk, and egg and set aside. Caramelize sugar in a small skillet over high heat, and cook, swirling pan, until sugar melts into an amber caramel, about 2 minutes. Immediately pour caramel into milk mixture, and bring to a boil over medium-high heat; attach a candy thermometer to side of pan, and cook, stirring bottom constantly with a wooden spoon, until thermometer reads 232°, about 40 minutes. Remove from heat and immediately stir in vanilla and baking soda; let sit for 1 minute. With a hand mixer, beat caramel mixture on medium-low speed until the consistency of loose pudding, about 1 minute. Immediately place one cake on a cake stand and pour over 1/2 cup caramel icing; top with second cake and pour over 1/2 cup icing. Top with third cake and pour remaining icing around the top edge of cake and then over the center. Quickly spread icing over sides of cake. Chill cake before serving.

Red Velvet Cake

Ingredients
THE CAKE:
16 tbsp. softened unsalted butter
2 3/4 cups cake flour, sifted
2 tbsp. Dutch-processed cocoa powder, sifted
1 tbsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
1 cup buttermilk
2 tbsp. red food coloring
1 tbsp. distilled white vinegar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 cake pans
1 bowl
1 sauce pan
1 mixer

THE FROSTING:
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/3 cup flour
1 1/2 cups milk
1 1/2 cups unsalted butter, softened
2 tsp. vanilla extract

Instructions
1. Heat oven to 400°. Butter and flour two 8" cake pans, and put them aside. Mix the flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt in a bowl, and put it aside. Mix the buttermilk, food coloring, vinegar, and vanilla in a bowl and put it. With a stand mixer, cream butter and sugar on medium-high speed until it looks fluffy. Then add eggs one at a time beating them as you go along. Now mix the contents of the bowl. Divide batter between the two pans, and smooth top. Tap the pans lightly on a counter get rid of air bubbles. Bake cakes until a toothpick inserted in middle comes out clean, about 30 minutes. Let cakes cool for 20 minutes in pans; invert onto wire racks, and let cool.

2. Make the frosting and finish the cake: Mix the sugar and flour in a 4-qt. saucepan; add milk and whisk until smooth. Stirring often, boil over medium heat; stirring constantly, until very thick. Then let the pudding cool. In stand mixer, beat butter and 1/4 of the pudding on medium-high speed until fluffy and smooth. Add ½ of the remaining pudding, beating until smooth, and then add remaining pudding and vanilla. Increase speed to high and beat frosting until white and fluffy, about 3 minutes. To finish, place one cake on a cake stand, and spread with 1 1/2 cups frosting. Place second cake over frosting; cover top and sides with remaining frosting.

Strawberry Cake

INGREDIENTS:
THE CAKE
17 tbsp. softened unsalted butter
3 cups flour, plus more for pans
½ tsp. salt
1 cup milk
½ cup strawberry jam
2 cups sugar
1 cup canola oil
1 tsp. vanilla extract
3 eggs
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
1 1-lb. box confectioners' sugar, sifted
1 tsp. strawberry extract
2 bowls
2 cake pans

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put oven to 350°. Grease and flour two 9" round cake pans and set aside. Mix flour, baking powder, and salt in a medium bowl; set aside. Mix the milk and in a small bowl. Beat together sugar, oil, vanilla, and eggs in a mixer on medium-high speed until pale and smooth, 2–3 minutes in another bowl. In 3 additions, alternately add dry and wet ingredients to sugar mixture, beginning and ending with dry; mix until combined. Divide batter between prepared pans and smooth tops; bake until a toothpick inserted in the middle of cakes comes out clean, about 40 minutes.

If the name doesn't set you straight, these memes are funny photographs of people who made the simplest of mistakes. These people only had one job to do, yet still manage to mess things up beyond belief. If this doesn't make you feel better about yourself, nothing will. Hopefully, these people won't be accepting any free nose jobs anytime soon!

10. Funny Tile Fail

9. Funny Canned Food

8. Funny Grocery Store Mistake

7. Funny Cookies

6. Funny Fruit

5. Funny Phone

4. Funny Soda

3. Funny Watermelon Corn

2. Funny Fire Lane

1. Funny Don't-Walk Sign

If you're anything like us, you've seen some pretty funny twitter users. Or maybe even bought some of our hilarious twitter greeting cards for your friends or family members. That's why we decided to put together a list of the funniest tweets we could find on twitter. We hope you enjoy this list as much as we do.

If you're wondering what a "gif" is, it's a moving image of a few frames played on a loop. We looked for the funniest dogs and craziest cats, and this is what we found. Enjoy!

5. Cat Fail

4. Cat & Cup Fail

3. Sinister Crow

2. Close Enough Dog

1. Well-Trained Dog Meals

Have you ever seen a strange chocolate cake, funny birthday cake or a cake mistake that was too funny not to share? So have we. Here are our funniest cake pictures. Some are cool cakes, some are cake disasters and some are just plain funny. When celebrating with a cake, don't forget a funny greeting card to go with it. Funny cards and funny cake cards complement each other! Also, as a friendly tip, beware of cake farts. No one wants to lose an eyebrow while celebrating your birthday!

Halloween doesn't have to mean spending a lot on expensive costumes. With just a simple trip to the store, or if you have supplies around, you can make your own costumes! Now, you'll have more money to spend on hilarious Halloween cards for friends and family members and delicious Halloween candy favorites.

There is a tumblr of inspirational love pictures aptly called Thingswedoboyslove. It gives girls hope that Mr. Right is out there waiting. This is not that tumblr. One day, someone created a meme from one of the images by posting an unflattering picture following what was an inspirational picture for maximum hilarity. It quickly went viral online. Here are our five favorites:

5. When Boys Have Blue Eyes and Dark Hair

4. When Boys Help You Choose Your Clothes

3. When Boys are Older

2. When Boys Can Cook

1. When Boys are Finally Yours

Some say this trend started in China, but it's really hard to pinpoint exactly. But, does it matter? It's pretty awesome. A bunch of friends get together and take a picture that looks like they've blasted away their friends with a blast of super-human strength.

It wasn't easy finding the absolute worst Christmas cards on the internet, but here they are. Funny Christmas cards so incredibly bad that you'll shake your head and possibly spit out your coffee. Don't say we didn't warn you. Now on to the top 10 baddest, funniest Christmas greeting cards out there:

If you're having a bad day, just remember that somewhere out there someone else is having a worse day. For proof of that we give you our Top 10 pictures of people having bad days on account of bad luck.

Stewart Francis – "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
Tim Vine – "Last night I and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
Will Marsh – "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
Rob Beckett – "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
Chris Turner – "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...I don't know Y."
Tim Vine – "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics—I just got Bronze."
George Ryegold – "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
Stewart Francis – "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
Lou Sanders – "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
Nish Kumar – "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism...she wouldn't fancy her chances."

If you're like most people, you probably have Facebook, or at least know what Facebook is. Well, here is a collection of the most hilarious Facebook book comebacks that we could find. These are just for laughs. We can't guarantee people on your Facebook will find this as funny if you try comebacks on them. Use with caution!

Have you ever noticed the embarrassed, uneasy silence that typically prevails when you ride in an elevator with strangers? If you, friends or co-workers have ever faced this challenge, if you simply have to endure a long ride up and down in the elevator every day or if you think you may get stuck in your building's temperamental elevator sooner or later, then the Top 10 Things to Do in an Elevator card from NobleWorks Cards is for you.

These witty tips are bound to break the ice and spread the bug of laughter in any sterile elevator environment. We have suggestions for marking off your own boundaries, involving elevator mates in fun and games, or engaging in pranks and hijinks bound to turn a normally mundane elevator ride into a big barrel of laughs. Just be sure you don't try any of these tricks if your boss is in the elevator or if you're sharing your ride with someone who's bigger than you, knows karate or packs heat.

10. Draw a square on the floor in chalk and then stand in it. The next time someone gets in and steps on the square yell out, "Hey, that's MY personal space!"

9. Get a friend and play Twister inside. Tell people they can't get in unless they play too.

8. Pretend that the buttons are electrified and act like you've received a tiny shock every time you go to press a button. Do this more than once.

7. Make a white dunce hat and face the corner of the elevator without getting out.

6. Ask if you can push a button for someone but push the wrong buttons every time he or she says a number.

5. Crack open your brief case and peek inside saying, "Are you still alive? It's just a few more floors."

4. Announce that you have clean underwear on.

3. Have a loud conversation on an invisible cell phone.

2. Say, "Ding! I beat you again, Mr. Elevator," before the doors open.

1. Press extra floor buttons after someone gets in. Say that you're waiting for a friend. When the doors open and no one gets in say, "Hi, Dave. Thanks for coming!"

Hipstersaurs were cool before asteroids hit the earth. Humans, and other cunning primates, hadn't even made a much of a scene at that time. Hipstersaurs differed from other funny dinosaurs because they didn't think they were funny. They weren't mainstream. They listened to things you never heard of. They didn't get greeting cards online. The internet didn't even exist. That's how cool they were.

1. "Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success." – Dale Carnegie
2. "There are only two ways to live life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is." – Albert Einstein
3. "Do not look for approval except for the consciousness of doing your best." – Andrew Carnegie
4. "The true measure of a person is how they treat someone who can do him absolutely no good." – Samuel Johnson
5. "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going because you might not get there." – Yogi Berra
6. "Expect more than others think possible." – Howard Schultz
7. "If people aren't calling you crazy, you aren't thinking big enough." – Richard Branson
8. "Never, never, never give up." – Winston Churchill

1. "Give you a bell." What it sounds like: Someone owes you a bell. What it really means: I'll call you later.

2. "He's a cock-up." What it sounds like: Some kind of cocker spaniel joke. What it really means: What a screwed up guy.

3. "Chuffed." What it sounds like: When your cuffs get scuffed. What it really means: Proud.

4. "Bespoke." What it sounds like: How bees communicate. What it really means: Custom made.

5. "Tosser." What it sounds like: When you make a salad. What it really means: Idiot.

6. "Know your onions." What it sounds like: Someone who buys vegetables: What it really means: knowledgeable.

7. "One off." What it sounds like: You took something off. What it really means: One time only/one-night stand.

8. "Up the duff." What it sounds like: Up the butt. What it really means: Pregnant.

9. "Arse." What it sounds like: Some kind of donkey. What it really means: Ass/butt.

10. "Nutter." What it sounds like: Some kind of butter. What it really means: Crazy person.

11. "Uni." What it sounds like: short version of uni-brow. What it really means: University.

12. "On the pull." What it sounds like: You're moving something. What it really means: Looking for sex.

13. "Made redundant." What it sounds like: Something you already know. What it really means: Fired from a job.

14. "Starkers." What it sounds like: Baby Starlings. What it really means: Naked.

15. "Her Majesty's pleasure." What it sounds like: Something sexual. What it really means: Prison.

16. "Bell end." What it sounds like: The bottom of a bell. What it really means: Penis.

17. "Stag night." What it sounds like: When the deer come out at night. What it really means: Bachelor Party.

18. "Shag." What it sounds like: A '70s haircut or '70s rug. What it really means: Sex.

19. "Dog's dinner." What it sounds like: Food only a dog would like. What it really means: Dressed up.

20. "Bog roll." What it sounds like: Rolling around in a bog. What it really means: Toilet paper.