Funny Top 10 Lists

1. You don�t have to be nice all year to get presents.

2. No need to go shopping for a Chanukah tree.

3. You don�t have to put up Chanukah lights outside your house.

4. Eight days of presents instead of one.

5. No �12 Days of Dreidels� song.

6. You don�t have to worry about Santa getting stuck in the chimney.

7. There isn�t a Putz on 34th Street movie.

8. You don�t have to explain that Santa was a lie to your kids.

9. There�s no Howie Mandel Chanukah TV Special.

10. The Chanukah story more has elephants.

Top 10 of Santa's "Don Not Fly-To" Street List

1. Streets with metered rooftop parking.

2. Streets with sleigh weight restrictions or curb side bag limits.

3. Streets with rigidly enforced “poop scoop” laws.

4. Streets informally known to local residents and law enforcement officials as     “Crackhouse Row,” “Boozecan Alley,” or “Bucket of Blood Boulevard.”

5. Any streets located within the city limits of Camden, New Jersey, or Gary,      Indiana.

6. Streets within gated communities with posted “Stand Your Ground” laws.

7. Streets subject to “Wildlife Prohibited After 10 P.M.” ordinances.

8. Any street where “The Grinches” or “The Scrooges” dwell.

9. Streets with all-hours open-hunting seasons.

10. Streets with trans fat or lactose allergy restrictions.  

Top 10 Things You Would Never Hear Santa Say

2. “Do I look fat in this outfit?”

 3. “Better dead than red.”

 4. “Dear Virginia, I hear you don’t believe in me. Just for that you’re going on the Naughty List! No Christmas presents for you this year! Believe that, bitch!"—SC

 5. “It’s just too cold tonight. We’re gonna have to ground ‘er this Christmas.”

 6. “Ha ha ha! I know where all the naughty girls live.”

 7. “I wonder what the South Pole’s like this time of year?”

 8. “You just made my Shit List! Mwuh-ho-ho-ho!”

 9. “Have you been drinking, Rudolph?”

10. “Just for fun, let’s violate North Korean and Iranian airspace tonight. See if we can heat things up a bit.”

Top 10 General Christmas Quotes

1. Christmas is a race to see which gives out first, your money or your feet.



2. Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns?



3. Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.



4. Every Christmas I only buy gifts for friends when I find out they already got me one.



5. I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.



6. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple



7. Roses are reddish, violets are bluish, if it werent for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish.



8. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.



9. This year, I'm going to buy all of my Christmas gifts from Nike...Made for kids by kids.



10. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.



11. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Top 10 Funny Christmas Quotes

1. "All New Years is to me is for taking down your dumb Christmas decorations. People who put up Christmas decorations, all they're saying is, 'Hey, we're not Jews.'" --Rich Vos



2. "Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." -- Jon Stewart



3. "Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?" -- Jim Gaffigan



4. "Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!" -- Lewis Black



5. "I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!" -- Marc Maron



6. "One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December." -- Louis C.K.



7. "Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." -- Dennis Miller



8. "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." -- Jerry Seinfeld



9. "There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." -- P.J. O'Rourke



10. "This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox." -- Anthony Jeselnik

Top 10 Christmas Greetings

1. Christmas is the time for joy and happiness. During this season people forget the past and look towards tomorrow.



2. Christmas is the time to celebrate with friends and family. I wish you lots of joy, smiles and laughter this Christmas.



3. I hope Santa brings along a memorable moments and amazing gifts for you.



4. Merry Christmas. I know Santa will bring along lots of wonderful gifts for you. Merry Christmas.



5. If tonight some big fat man kidnaps and throws you in to a sack, then please stay calm. Because several people have asked Santa for a sweet friend like you.



6. Merry Christmas. If you wake up tomorrow morning and find no gifts from Santa, do not assume that he fails to exist. In fact that shall truly prove Santa's existence, because I have wished for your wishlist as my gift. Merry Christmas.



7. May the beauty of the stars descend from heaven into your home. Here's wishing you a joyous Christmas.



8. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year's Day! May all your dreams come true, this Christmas.



9. This Christmas, may Santa shower you with loads of joy, happiness and gifts.



10. This Christmas, may Santa send happiness and your favorite gifts. Merry Christmas.

Top 10 Christmas Love Quotes

1. I have nothing to ask Santa for since I already have you.



2. Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is true love.



3. All I want for Christmas is you.



4. I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep in all year long.



5. Christmas makes you want to be with people you love.



6. Your love is the best gift of all.



7. Your love is the present that no other can top.



8. Christmas is the season of love.



9. Love is all you need on a snowy, Christmas day.



10. Dear Santa, please bring me love this Christmas.

Top 10 Best and Worst Educated States and How They Voted in 2012

10 States With the Highest Graduation Rates and How They Voted

10. Iowa - Obama

9. Virginia - Obama

8. New Jersey - Obama

7. California - Obama

6. Vermont - Obama

5. Maryland - Obama

4. Pennsylvania - Obama

3. Connecticut - Obama

2. Rhode Island - Obama

1. Massachusetts - Obama

10 States With the Lowest Graduation Rates and How They Voted

10. South Dakota - Romney

9. Oklahoma - Romney

8. West Virginia - Romney

7. Idaho - Romney

6. Hawaii - Obama

5. Arkansas - Romney

4. Louisiana - Romney

3. New Mexico - Obama

2. Nevada - Obama

1. Alaska – Romney

According to HigherEDinfo.org

Top 10 Words of Wisdom

9. A goat also has a beard, but that doesn't make him a rabbi.

8. Even if the majority agrees on a stupid idea, it is still stupid.

7. The greatness of this or any country may is the number of people trying to get IN vs. the number trying to get OUT.

6. Most wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the stupid words spoken in earnest.

5. The best defense of our country is to keep it at all times WORTH defending.

4. War doesn't prove who is right; only who is alive. 

3. War is better can abolishing nations faster than nations can abolishing wars.

2. You can't shake hands with a fist.

1. You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like that.

Top 10 Santa Vocabulary

10. Santacli: Several Santas.

9. Santarrhea: Too many cookies have this effect.

8. Santa’s Little Helper: Viagra.

7. Santantrum: When a child doesn’t receive a gift on his or her Christmas list.

6. Santabetic: One who cannot handle too much Santa fun or too much Christmas.

5. Clausetrophobia: Fear of Santa.

4. Santa Style: Like Gangnam Style but in red and with a sleigh.

3. Santasy: Fantasying about the gifts Santa will bring.

2. Santa la vista, Baby:  When Christmas is over, but will be back.

1. Santez: Mexican Santa. 

Top 10 Santapedia Searches

10. Chrisacrastinate:  Putting on the holiday shopping you can do today for tomorrow.

9. Christmas Adam: Day before Christmas Eve. Adam came before Eve, right?

8. Christmacide: When someone cruelly kills the holiday spirit of Christmas.

7. Christmess: The aftermath of opening Christmas gifts.

6. Christmastoe: Injuring toes while rearranging furniture to accommodate all the Christmas guests.

5. Christmas Tard: When someone sends you a Christmas cards after Christmas.

4. Christmas Chronic: Festive Christmas holiday Mary Jane.

3. Christmas Biscuit: A fart that lingers well until New Year’s.

2. Christmi: Plural form of Christmas.

1. Chrisentrest: Pinning Christmas DIY on Pinterest.

Top 10 Crummiest Christmas Gifts

These were quoted as the worst Christmas gifts year after year. Can you relate to these quotes? Have you been a victim of a crummy Christmas gift?

9. A parking ticket.

8. A baby you didn’t know about.

7. A subscription to Menopause Magazine.

6. A pink slip.

5. A box of kittens when you have a cat allergy.

4. Erectile dysfunction.

3. The flu.

2. Cinnamon flavored mayonnaise.

1.  Star Wars Christmas Special DVD.

Top 10 Fart Terms

10. Butt burp

9. Dropping a bomb

8. Stink bomb

7. Silent Fart

6.  Gas Master

5. Let one go

4. Break wind

3. Pass Gas

2. Make a stink

1. Fart

Top 10 Marijuana Names

10. Weed

9. Buddha

8. Chronic

7. Mary Jane

6. 420

5. Ganja

4. Grass

3. Bash

2. Blunt

1. Pot

Top 10 Girls Names

10. Chloe

9. Mia

8. Madison

7. Abigail

6. Emily

5. Ava

4. Olivia

3. Emma

2. Isabella

1. Sophia

Top 10 Boys Names

10. Daniel

9. Aiden

8. Alexander

7. Ethan

6. Michael

5. Jayden

4. Noah

3. William

2. Mason

1. Jacob

Top 10 Strangest Celebrity Baby Names

10. Bronx Mowgli (Ashlee Simpson)

9. Apple (Gwyneth Palrow)

8. Knox Leon (Angelina Jolie)

7. Sunday Rose (Nicole Kidman)

6. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee)

5. Destry (Steven Spielberg)

4. Kal-el Coppola (Nicolas Cage)

3. Audio Silence (Shannyn Sossamon)

2. Rocket (Pharrell Williams)

1. Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson)

Top 10 Internet Slang

10. LOL - Laughing out loud

9. LMFAO - Laughing my fucking ass off

8. LMAO - Laughing my ass off

7. ROFL - Rolling on the floor laughing

6. BRB - Be right back

5. GTG/G2G - Got to go

4. OMG – Oh my God

3. IDK - I don’t know

2. ttyl – Talk to you later

1. WTF - What the fuck

Top 10 Funny Names

10. I.P. Freely

9. Seymour Butz

8. Mike Rotch

7.  Hugh Jass

6. Bea O’Problem

5. Amanda Huggenkiss

4. Ivana Tinkle

3. Anita Bath

2. Drew P. Weiner

1. Yuri Nater

Top 10 Rejected Reindeer Names

Laird Long

1. Datsun – deemed too tiny-sounding even for tiny reindeer, too unreliable, and too commercial.

 2. Panzer – considered excessively war-like, with too many negative connotations for veterans and people living in formerly German-occupied territories.

3. Blixen – too "Out of Africa"; unattractive sounding and looking (see Streep).

4. Basher – deemed too violent; although it did score highly with English soccer hooligans, their birds, and their children.

5. Duncer – too politically incorrect/insensitive; although a handicapped reindeer was thought to be inclusive and, therefore, good PR.

6. Vomet – air-sickness-related and gross-out issues considered too toxic; though highly favored by young boys, teen comedy producers, and college fraternity brothers.

7. Prixer – considered too pointedly suggestive for evangelical Christians and bluenose feminists.

8. Sexton – deemed too old-fashioned and out of common language usage; scored high with ancient mariners.

9. Gonner – considered too fatalistic a name for a flying animal; other reindeer refused to take-off with someone named Gonner.

10. Cueball – it was concluded that a furless, funny reindeer would never fly with the public, despite strong support from the over-fifty male crowd.

Top 10 DIY Christmas Cards

Laird Long

1. Cut up and fold the Sunday newspaper comics section into halves to create "humorous" greeting cards.

2. Fold up too-small-to-use Christmas wrapping paper remnants into halves to create "Seasonal" greetings.

3. Use two squares of toilet paper to create a multi-purpose greeting card.

4. Kids: use ‘found’ items from your parents, grandparents, and brothers and sisters (such as: a $100 bill from Dad’s wallet, Mom’s secret baby-daddy DNA results, Gran’s cardiogram chart, Sis’ report card or college rejection letter) and fold over and scribble on for Christmas cheer freak-out results.

5. Two food coupons taped together makes a card and present in one.

6. Two foil punch-packets of breath mints stapled together makes a unique card and also sends a message.

7. Cut the tops and bottoms off discarded tin cans, unroll the cylinders, and then fold them in half to create shiny, decorative cards that will last.

8. Carefully dry and fold uneaten turkey skin to create a personalized card and "don’t pick on me" reminder for the neighborhood serial killer.

9. Cut up unwanted gifted socks/ties/handkerchiefs/sweaters into sections and then stitch them together to create a gentle but firm reminder to loved ones not to get you the same damn thing again next year.

10. Unfold used paper table napkins to create textures Christmas cards full of aromatic good memories.

Top 10 Tweets from the Pope

Laird Long

1.      O: God  @God

          @Pontifex yo! s’up, my man (on earth)?

          How r u celebr8ing my son’s bday? Nuther boring speech? LOL!

          Have a holy night, bro.

          I: For Christ’s sake, have yourself a Merry Christmas

2.      O: Benedict XVI  @Pontifex

          Hey, i thought i had 1.1 BILLION followers!?

          Cmon, guys! The Bieb’s way ahead.

          God  @God

          @Pontifex YOU have followers!? LMFAO!

          I: Follow the lead: have a Happy Birthday

3.      O: Benedict XVI  @Pontifex

          Another GD pointy hat for my bday!

          Can u f’ing believe it!?

          I: The point is: make the most of it, and have yourself a Happy Birthday!

4.      O: Benedict XVI  @Pontifex

          Had lots of presents for every1 this Xmas. But the butler stole them!

          LOL! Am i wicked or what?

          I: Help yourself to a Merry Christmas!

5.      O: Benedict XVI  @Pontifex

          All u GD kids stop txting me! I’m not Santa Claus!

          WAFPITA!

          I: Try to stay on His nice list this year. Merry Christmas!

6.      O: Benedict XVI  @Pontifex

          Any1 else c Biebr on The View?

          Bless me, who cr8td that ass!? LOL! I’ll tweet the Man upstrs and get back 2 u.

          I: Holy shit! It’s your Birthday!

          Have a god one! I mean, a good one!

7.      O: Benedict XVI  @Pontifex

          2 evry1: pls continue 2 confess @ yr local church.

          Txting it in doesn’t count. Thx. And give generously.

          I: I could’ve just phoned it in, but I got you this lovely card, instead.

          Happy B-Day!

8.      O: Benedict XVI  @Pontifex

          Jst heard abt this church where a blindflded kid picks the new Pope!

          WTF’s up with that!? R way is much better – SAYS ME! LOL!

          I: You have been chosen to have a Happy Birthday!

9.      O: Benedict XVI  @Pontifex

          EPIC SRMON 2DAY!! Even the BIG GUY txtd me 2 say GR8 JOB!

          I was on fire. In a good way. LOL!

          I: Have yourself one Hell of a Birthday!

10.    O: Benedict XVI  @Pontifex

          Did u c Beyonce at the Grammys!?

          Bless me, i’d hit that any given Sunday! #booty

          God  @God

          @Pontifex Focus, my son. Or i’m shutting down your account. Again!

          I: It’s your Birthday! You can do anything you want! (within reason)

Top 10 Bacon Numbers

Google has a funny bacon Google search tool aptly called the “Bacon Number” that calculates the connection between every actor with Kevin Bacon. The new search is based on a Pennsylvania’s Albright College student game of connecting how far everyone in Hollywood is removed from Kevin Bacon. Try this bacon fun sometime!

10. Jessica Alba's Bacon Number

9. Jennifer Aniston's Bacon Number

8. Halle Berry's Bacon Number

7. Jessica Biel's Bacon Number

6. Brad Pitt's Bacon Number

5. Humphrey Bogart's Bacon Number

4. Leonardo DiCaprio's Bacon Number

3. Audrey Hepburn's Bacon Number

2. Elvis' Bacon Number

1. Mark Wahlberg's Bacon Number

Brought to you by BACON!

Top 10 Things You Didn't Know You Wanted

10. Laser Keyboard. It’s like something out of Total Recall. Type anywhere! Type in the dark. Type on a napkin. How could I not know how much I wanted this?

9. Pop-Bubble Calendar. Every morning you get to start off the day with a satisfying “pop” from the funny calendar.

8. Chewbacca Jacket. One does not need to even be that big of a Star Wars fan to fall in love with this fuzzy futuristic monster jacket. It’s that bad-ass.

7. Mustache Hangers. These giant mustache hangers will make you smile every time you open your closet.  

6. Sweet Hoover Craft. It looks like something out of Star Trek. Or Star wars. Or Firefly. You know, one of those futuristic movies. But you don’t need a time machine to cruise one of these bad boys, you just need a lot of money.

5. USB Outlet. Sometimes you just want to charge your phone, mp3 player, camera or something else with a USB plug (what else would possibly use a USB plug?) but you don’t want to wait for your  computer to turn on. This is the perfect solution. In fact, all houses should come with these installed.

4. Zelda Wedding Rings. These are so awesome that even non-gamers will wish they had a ring with such style and finesse.

3.  Gun Alarm Clock. This target alarm clock will in tip-top shooting strength whether  you work at the CIA or Wholefoods.

2. Message Toaster. Is there a meeting in the afternoon? Do you want to let your kids know you love them? Why not burn that message on toast with this tiny, cute toaster. Whatever you can think of, even a naughty toaster message, you can write it on this toaster.

1. Glow in the Dark Laces. Do you have shoes with grommets (i.e., the little holes on the sides)? Do you go out at night? If you answered “yes” to both of these questions, you may be in need of these fiber optic laces. 

Top 10 Strange Google Search Results

Sometimes Google has a mind of its own as you search for something in the Google search engine. Sometimes Google tries to read your mind as you type by using what other people have searched for to guess what you're going to search for. Sometimes Google is tragically wrong! Here are the strangest Google search results of the day.

10. Why Do Black

Before anything could come after black--maybe we were searching for "cats"-- Google decided that we were not only searching for black people, but also searching for black stereotypes. Now, we'll never know why do black disappear around Halloween.

9. Can Chuck Norris

What do people wonder about what Chuck Norris can do? According to this search result, people are worried that Chuck Norris is going to find them (and possibly kick some ass?). Just what are people doing in their spare time to bring on the wrath of Norris?

8. Google Is

What is Google? Evil? God (this one made us LOL) ? Your friend? Better than Bing? Whatever Google is, we have a feeling someone over at the corporate office thinks they're God. Let's just hope Google is our friend because I need someone to loan me $20 tonight.

7. Why Do Home

Before we could even finish typing "homes" Google just decided that we probably wanted to know why homeless people smelled or that we were secretly knocked up. Let's just hope they're not homeless and holding a faulty pregnancy test.

6. Why Do Rednecks Have

Why do Rednecks have such awesome BBQs? Well, that's not what Google thought we wanted. Google thought we wanted to know why rednecks are missing teeth, as if there were no rednecks with a full set while they waved their confederate flags all while sporting mullets and full beards. We're really going to have to take a trip to the South to see if it is so.

5. Obama Eats

Babies. People are really wondering if Obama eats babies when he's not working with congress or talking with dignitaries from around the world. Instead of worrying if Obama has some economic solutions to our current problems, people want to know if he's a cannibal.

4. Why Do Hippies

If you were wondering why hippies like Bob Dylan, you're alone. Everyone else wants to know why hippies have a foul smell as they hula hoop with their long hair.

3. Walmart is

Walmart is everything. Good. Evil. Bad. Good. Google really doesn't know if you're pro or anti Walmart so it's going to go with everything so you can find links to however you were leaning with Walmart.

2. White Woman

Come on. You have to admit this made you laugh. People connect "white woman" and "Eddie Murphy" after they're done working our their syndromes.

1. Why am I De

Why am I dead? Well, because you're a zombie. Now, get back to the cast of Walking Dead before someone notices you're missing. Don't you have brains to eat?

Top 10 Hipster Jesus Memes

Hipsters and Jesus. Jesus died for the sins of the world. Hipsters wear skinny jeans and listen to underground bands and sponge off their parents well into their 30s.You can find them sipping off of $4 lattes while complaining about how industrialized the world has become despite the fact they couldn't survive a day on the farm without going into a holy daze. They don't like to do anything everyone else is doing because they find coolness in the obscure, but end up looking and acting like all the other hipsters they're friends with. These two things, hipsters and Jesus, don't seem to be related until you take a closer look at Jesus' life. Here are the Top 10 Jesus Memes we found on the internet.

10. Hipster Jesus Loved You Before You Were Cool.

Hipster Jesus was a very humble guy seeing as he had the power of a god, because he was God.

9. YOLO (You Only Live Once)

YOLO is an acronym that became a famous hastag on Twitter. People started ending all their tweets on Twitter with YOLO to mention something crazy they did because they only live once.

8. Jesus Never Said HE Hated the Gays

Really. Look it up if you don't believe us. All that gay stuff is in other passages where Jesus isn't talking. Marching around with a entourage of guys, you think the topic would have come up at least a few times.

7. Jesus Came Back To Life

Jesus came back to life before it was cool. Take that, Walking Dead!

6. People Followed Jesus Before Twitter

Who followed you before Twitter? A random stalker? Jesus had a whole crew of people wanting to hear everything he thought about throughout the day.

5. He Had a Whole Book Written About Him

They had to literally rewrite the book about everything when he came along.

4. Jesus Only Preached In Small, Middle Eastern Venues

If you wanted to see Jesus live, you had to travel to where he was in the Middle East.

3. Jesus Has Street Cred

Jesus was born in a barn, afterall.

2. Jesus Grew Up In a Jewish Household

He grew up with two Jewish parents and inspired an entire new religion that changed everything he had studied and learned about being Jewish.

1. Walking On Land --Too Mainstream

Jesus could walk on water. Jesus could moonwalk on water if he wanted.

Top 10 Signs You Might Be a Hipster

10. People would assume you were fluent in French and Japanese by looking at your digital movie collections.

9. You like to randomly bring up all the places you’ve been to in conversations, “Books? Why, yes, I had a book when I was backpacking in the Amazon to take picture of indigenous tribes.”

8. You wore nerd classes before they were mainstream.

7. No matter the time of year, you have a scarf.

6. No one has heard of your favorite cool band, and once they have, it’s not your favorite band anymore.

5. You moved into an ethnic neighborhood because of the unique feel of it, and so did everyone else, so all the ethnic people were forced out because property values increased too much.

4. You own six or more pairs of skinny jeans.

3. You tell your friends you only shop at thrift shops.

2. It takes you 30 minutes to make your hair look like you just rolled out of bed.

1. You've his book, “Infinite Jest” by David Foster Wallace.

Top 10 Movie Quotes

10. “In space no one can hear you scream.”--Alien (1979)

9. “Houston, we have a problem.”--Apollo 13 (1995)

8. “They’re back.”--Poltergeist II (1986)

7. “We are not alone.”--Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

6. “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.”--Jaws 2 (1978)

5. “Be afraid. Be very afraid.”--The Fly (1986)

4. “The horror...the horror.”--Apocalypse Now (1979)

3. “They’re young...they’re in love...and they kill people.”--Bonnie and Clyde (1967)

2. “The classic story about a boy and his mother.”--Psycho (1998)

1.  “Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you’re gonna get.”--Forrest Gump (1994)

Top 10 Riddles and Riddle Quotes

10. I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I? A naughty nose!

9. What can you catch but not throw? A cold.

8. The man who made this doesn’t want one. The person who buys it doesn’t need it. The person who needs it doesn’t know it. What is it? A coffin.

7.  Some say I’m too fast other’s to slow and people are always trying to find me. What am I? Time.

6. There are four children and four chocolate bunnies in a basket. Each child gets a chocolate bunny, yet there is still a chocolate bunny in the basket. How can this happen? One of the children kept the basket.

5.  What is it that you can take away whole and still have some left over? Wholesome.

4. What three consecutive days can you say without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday? Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

3. What has no flesh, feathers, scales or bones, but has fingers and thumbs? Gloves

2. What is lighter than a feather but something no man can hold for very long? A breath.

1.  Who is your father’s sister’s sister-in-law be to you? Your mother.

Top 10 Birthday Cake Jokes

10. Because chocolate can't get you pregnant.

9. Birthday cake misspelling.

8. Birthday cake fart.

7. Birthday cake in drag.

6. Birthday cake icing joke.

5. Birthday cake egg joke.

4. Birthday cake "baked" joke.

3. Birthday cake too-many-candles joke.

2. Birthday cake therapy joke.

1. Birthday cake booger joke.

Top 10 Amazon Reviews

10. Unicorn Meat

“Don't order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the Pegasus ranches. Don't believe the propaganda of Lisa Frank and the other tycoons of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures is the abattoir and the rainbow factory. Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead” --V. Zhirinovsky "Vlad the Mad"

9. Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer

“I don't see it listed anywhere in the product description but this product is not only good for when you touch your own naughty parts but also after you have touched someone else's parts! It's like a two-in one thing. Um 5 in one. 3...” –Nicnac

8. Uranium Ore

“Whenever I fly I always pack a can of this wonder stuff in each piece of my luggage. As we all know, so many bags look alike. How often do you get to your hotel, only to find you have walked away with the wrong bag, and are forced to wear a stranger's underwear for the rest of the trip? We've all been there right? So when that confusing luggage starts whirling around the baggage claim carousel I just whip out my Geiger Counter and let the uranium go to work for me. I merely wait for those comforting clicks (and after longer flights look for the glowing hot spot) and I know I have found my bags. Occasionally airlines lose my bags (yes, it does happen people). But whenever I fill out that claim form, and let them know my uranium is missing - well I tell you, they literally SPRING into action. They'll track down that errant bag faster than you can say "Chernobyl."

And I cannot tell you how many new friends I have made in TSA and Customs since I've adopted this sure-fire system. Nothing brightens their day quite like finding a traveler with potentially fissionable material. Throw away those gaudy rainbow bag straps forever and step into the atomic age. It's no longer just uranium, it's my-ranium. Thanks Amazon!” --Shady Ave Reader

7.  Whole Rabbit

“I bought two, left them alone in the refrigerator for a week, and now I have thirty-eight.

Off to buy a bigger fridge.”-- J. A. KONRATH "Thriller Author"

6. Tuscan Milk

“I'm not usually one to give in to the hype. But everyone keeps talking about this ‘Tuscan milk’ and how it's the new Macarena. It's Texas Hold ‘Em, low carbs, and reality TV all rolled into one. But this is one fad that is sure to last.

I bought my first gallon, and not being one for moderation, I ended up drinking the whole gallon one morning. I was just going to drink a glass before work, then be on my way. One glass turned into two. Two turned into a bigger glass. Next thing I know I was sprawled out on my living room floor next to the empty gallon.

I stumbled up and made my way out the door, only to arrive at work and meet an angry boss. He said he was letting me go, and I was 'no longer a part of the vision.' I was angry. And very much disappointed. I loaded my things into my car and drove away.

On the way home, my car started sputtering. All the lights came on, and my engine fell out while going down the freeway. I pulled to the side of the road, and started walking. I certainly wasn't going to call a tow truck, I can't afford it now.

I then got the bright idea to call my girlfriend. Upon answering, I could hear a man's voice in the background. She was out of breath, and certainly had just come back from a long jog. I asked if she would come and pick me up, and she said she was ‘indisposed at the moment.’ I then became more angry, and asked her why not. She promptly dumped me.

With my belly still full of Tuscan Milk, I plodded on towards my home. I started pondering why she was leaving me, and entertained the thought that it must have something to do with that man in the background. Who was he? Why was he there? Then it dawned on me. The truth, as I had then thought, had arrived.

It's that damn Tuscan milk! I foolishly blamed the milk for my problems. I lost my job, my car broke, and my girlfriend left me. All in one morning! I thought the milk was the cause.

Hours later, I arrived at my home. ‘Nice’ I thought, as I spotted the 30 day notice. The thought of now getting kicked out my house kind of made me smile. At this point, nothing could get worse, right? It's not like a gang of ninjas is going to come in and kill my family or something.

If you didn't catch the sarcasm in that last paragraph, a gang of ninjas did indeed come in and kill my family. Got ‘em all. But still, I don’t blame the milk now.

You might ask, ‘why Jeremy? why are you so jovial?’ The answer to that, my friends, is because I'm days away from becoming a millionaire. This whole situation will be erased. With my millions, everything will change.

Fired from my job? Now I don't need one.
Car broke down? I'll buy a Lexus instead.
Kicked out my house? To heck with renting, I'll buy a new one.
Family dead? I'll buy a new one.
Girlfriend left? You get the picture.

All my problems are solved!

A few days ago I received an email from the prince of Nigeria. It appear their government is collapsing. And they need to move 100 million dollars out of there, STAT. So they researched, searching the world for a top secret, financial mercenary to give the money to, and found me. They must have heard about my skills. So they contacted me. I get, as a commission, ten percent of the take. If you think about it, that's a pretty good deal for someone who is saving your country.

I've given them the necessary banking information to the proper agents, and everything should be transferring soon. I will hang out in the park, where I now live, and wait for that phone call. Once I receive the phone call, the money went through, and you are looking at a ten millionaire. I think I'll go purchase some new duds, and maybe head down to Vegas and bet ten thousand a hand. I'll fly to Miami and dig my toes in the sand, or jet off to Hawaii for some fun in the sun.

I'm here at the library surfing Amazon, and wanted to order some milk. For some reason my ATM wouldn't go through, kept saying insufficient funds, even though there is money in there. Must be some mistake. I'm off to the bank to ask them what's up, but first I thought I'd tell you all about the milk that saved my life.

RECOMMENDED A+++++++”-- Jeremy Morgan

5. Wolf Shirt

“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.”-- B. Govern "Bee-Dot-Govern"

4. BIC Ball Pen

“Do you recall the old Bic pen commercials where they fire a Bic pen into a piece of wood and it still writes? Well I do, but I never really believed it. That is, until I had the necessary task of defending my life with the aid of a Bic pen. Coming home and alarming an intruder, I found myself locked in mortal combat with a very large man who was intent on killing me. My only weapon was the Bic Cristal ballpoint pen I routinely carry in the breast pocket of my starched white pinpoint oxford button down.

I was able to successfully insert my Bic Cristal ballpoint pen into the esophageal area of my attacker's throat and incapacitate him until the constables arrived to take him into custody. Paramedics removed the pen from his throat and returned it to me. Rather amazingly, I wiped the blood and a small amount of body tissue from the pen and used it to write my police statement.

Though not commonly considered a weapon of self defense, my Bic Cristal ballpoint pen proved to me the old adage that "the pen is mightier than the sword." (I must admit though, that I would have far preferred a sword had I the option to choose beforehand.) All in all, a five star rating for this dual-use pen.”-- donniedarko "donnie"

3. Squirrel Mask

“I have spent my whole life wanting to be a stupid squirrel. Knowing deep down inside that I should have been born a squirrel. I sit for hours outside under a tree with my squirrel friends just hoping that one day I won't feel like an outsider but truly one of them. They are kind and tell me to not take it so hard and that its ok to be different but deep down inside I know I am just a human....until now. Once I put on the mask I was no longer an outsider any more but a real squirrel. I felt for the first time in my life I wasn't living a lie anymore. Every day trying to be something that I'm not. And after my species reassignment surgery I will be who I was meant to be, who I should have been in the first place a squirrel.”--  A.Joy

2. Twilight Book

“I don't get it. I just don't get it. I thought young adult fiction had hit its low point with Eragon, but apparently I was wrong. Bella Swan (literally, "beautiful swan," which should be a red flag to any discerning reader) moves to the rainy town of Forks, and the whining begins on page 1. She goes to live with her father Charlie, and is quickly established to be a moppey, ungrateful, self-pitying little toerag. Bella then attends her new school, which turns out to be an all-out caricature of high school with about zero (rounding up) grounding in real life. Her classmates' reaction can be summed up thusly: "OMG. NEW STUDENT. OMG YOU GUYS, NEW STUDENT. STARE AT HER, FOR SHE IS CLEARLY SUPERIOR TO US." Bella Sue is promptly adored by everyone in the school, except the mysterious Cullns, who spend their time brooding, being pretty, smoldering, being perfect, and sparkling. No, seriously. NO, SERIOUSLY. Bella meets Edward, the Culleniest of the Cullens, (meaning he is more perfect and emo than the rest of them,) they fall in love within thirty pages, (much of this time is spent in Bella's head going back and forth between "Does he like me?" "Does he hate me?" "Do I like him?" "Why does he hate me?" and on and on and on AND ON. That is, when she's not being a horrible snobby twit to the boys at school who show affection in genuinely sweet ways, i.e., not breaking into her house and watching her while she sleeps. While she sleeps. Not knowing that he's there. IN HER HOUSE.) The plot shows up somewhere in the last fifty pages, which involves an EVIIIIIILL vampire named James who wants to eat Bella. James is the only character I like.

I generally try to find something redeeming about books, but I honestly have nothing good to say about this drivel. Meyer writes as if the reader is an absolute idiot who has to be told every sing tiny little thing; we are never given the chance to interpret what's going on in the characters' heads. There is no mystery, no intrigue, no suspense. The characters themselves are cut-and-dried, stereotypical, and maddeningly unoriginal. Bella's (supposedly) the clever, beautiful heroine, Edward's the dark, brooding bad boy, James is... uh, the guy that wants to eat Bella. Meyer clearly wants Bella to be a strong female character, but the horrible sad truth is that she's pathetic. Bella follows Edward's every word religiously, never sticks up for herself, has no spine to speak of, plays Suzie Housewife to her father, and has no existence outside of her "romance" with Edward. On that note, let it be said that Nathaniel Hawthorne got more romance into a few lines about a rosebush than Meyer managed to cram into 400 pages. Edward and Bella's relationship consists almost entirely of staring at each other dewy-eyed and arguing about who's prettier (NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.)”-- Rachel Rooker "Snark Monster"

1. A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates Book

“Such a terrific reference work! But with so many terrific random digits, it's a shame they didn't sort them, to make it easier to find the one you're looking for”-- a curious reader

Top 10 Holes on Earth

Have you ever been surfing the internet and wondered where the biggest holes on earth were? Well, wonder no more! We at NobleWorks have a collection of the biggest holes out there! These holes might be amazing, but some are quite terrifying...especially when one reaches the end of the list! Don't say we didn't warn you.

10. Great Blue Hole, Belize

As its not-so-clever name would suggest, this is a great, blue hole near the lovely country of Belize. This bad-boy was formed during the Ice Age as a cave, so if you're looking for an old hole with some cool stalactites, here it is!

9. Chuquicamata, Chile

In Chile, not to be confused with the delicious food chili, there is an open-pit copper mine called Chuquicamata. Try saying that five times fast!

8. Darvaza Gas Crater, Turkmenistan

People in the area fondly call this place "The Gate to Hell." Also, there are no people in the area because who wants to live near the Gate to Hell? If you're wondering how this hole came to be, it all started with some scientists. They found this giant cavern of natural gas. Instead of harnessing the gas to use as power, they decided to light that bitch up. Unfortunately, they didn't realize how much gas was in there.

Let's just say it's still burning.

7. Diavik Mine, Canada

Canadians have some big holes too. This places pumps out 3,500 pounds of diamonds every year. I think that's just enough to make Paris Hilton happy for a day.

6. Sinkhole, Guatemala

This sinkhole ripped away house and killed people. It was caused, according to reports, by a faulty sewage system which is pretty scary.

5. Mirny Diamond Mine, Russia

No, this isn't the aftermath of a meteorite assaulting the Earth with a terrible hit...it's from Russia looking for diamonds.

4. "Glory Hole" Monticello, California

Isn't a "glory hole" something at a dirty book store? This hole got its glorious name because it was so big. Or that's just what people say. In reality it's a spillway when there is too much water.

3.  "Big Hole" Kimberley, South Africa

Not only is this hole big, it was also dig out by hand, take that Russia and your jet engines! This hole doesn't produce diamonds anymore but did give birth to De Beers, the infamous diamond cartel.

2. Bigham Copper Mine, Utah

Another unimaginatively named hole, the Bigham Copper Mine in Utah is the biggest hole in the area...so far.

1. Bottomless Pit, Washington, D.C.

The most frightening of all the holes is this one. It swallows trillions and trillions of dollars every year without looking back. Much like the Gate to Hell in Russia, this hole in Washington doesn't look like it will ever stop! The money is never seen again and no one knows what happened to the money poured into it. It simply vanishes. Some say you can find a lot of assholes in the area. Even the president can't stop it.

Top 10 Dog Shaming Pictures

Anyone who has ever had a dog will tell you, dogs do some weird and destructive things. Owners take it out on the dogs by publicly embarrassing their pets on the internet so the whole world can see that Fido has been a bad dog.

The classic elements of dog shaming include a doggy confession written on a card held up next to the shameful dog. Let that be a lesson to all the naughty dogs that pee on Christmas trees!

10. Dog Shaming Picture: To Kill a Mocking Bird

9. Dog Shaming: Stolen Ice Cream

8. Dog Shaming: Jump

7. Dog Shaming: Coal Eater

6. Dog Shaming: Doll Killer

5.Dog Shaming: Stealing Baby Snacks

4. Dog Shaming: Barking at Mexicans

3. Dog Shaming: Kitty Litter Muncher

2. Dog Shaming: Carpet Destruction

1. Dog Shaming: Butt Licker, Face Kisser

Top 10 Thing I Learned From My Mom

10. My mother taught me to appreciate when someone does a job well. She always said, “If you’re going to kill each other, take it outside.

9. My mother taught me the value of faith. She said, “You better pray I can fix this mess you made.”

8. My mother taught me the real side of time travel. She said, “If you don’t hurry up, I’m gonna kick you into next week.”

7.  My mother taught me how to think and use logic when she said, “Because I say so, that’s why!”

6. My mother taught me the ways of irony when she would say, “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

5. My mom taught me about weather conditions because she would always say, “Did a tornado come through here?”

4. My mom taught me about death because she’d always say, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out.”

3. My mother taught me lessons in hypocrisy when she said, “If I told you once, I told you a hundred times, ‘Don’t exaggerate!’”

2. My mother taught me about behavior modification when she would say, “Stop acting like your dad!”

1. My mother taught me about envy when she said, “There are millions of children in this world who don’t have amazing parents like you do!”

Top 10 Darth Vader Moments

People like to think of Darth Vader as a dark overlord with choking heartlessness that can't be quelled. While that was true during his Dark Side years, he was in many ways just like you or me. And how could anyone not want to join the Dark Side? Full medical and dental coverage were offered even to new Storm troopers. Funny birthday cards are also standard, we heard.

10. Darth Vader Meets Batman

9. Darth Vader Finds a Book That Changes His Life

8. Darth Vader Hanging Out With Cape MeetUp Group

7. Darth Vader Goes to the Beach

6. DJ Darth Vader Mixing Beats

5. Darth Vader Time Traveler

4. Darth Vader Visits Crazy Uncle Bob

3. Darth Vader at Disney Land

2. Darth Vader After The Clone War

1. Darth Vader Finding His Musical Passion

Top 10 Clean, Funny Jokes

10. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrew it.

9. I used to be a banker, but then I found that I had lost interest.

8. Ghoulish French pancakes give me the crepes.

7. My iPod is like the Titanic, it’s always syncing.

6. My brother is addicted to brake fluid, but he tells us he can stop any time.

5. She said she remembered me from the Vegetarian MeeUp, but I’ve never met herbivore.

4. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

3. I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity that’s hard to put down.

2. My doctor said if I get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

1. Broken arrows are pointless.

Top 10 Funniest Maps

These are the funniest world maps out there, but we can't say they are politically correct. In fact, these are the most politically incorrect maps floating around. We really had a scour the internet, looking in the strangest places to find these oddities. Maps of how New Yorkers and Americans seeing the world, or, at least, how some. The funniest part is how wrong these pseudo cartographers are!

10. New Yorker's Map of America

 

 

9. The World According to Ronald Regan

 

8. Asia According to Americans

 

7. The Bed According to a Cat

6. Europe According to Americans

 

5. Europe According to Gay Men

 

4. America as Seen by Europeans

 

3. America as Seen by Canadians

2. America According to Common Sense

 

1. The World, According to Americans

Top 10 Horse Head Pictures

No one is quite sure how the horse head/horse mask phenomena started, but we do know it’s not going anywhere. The appeal of the horse mask should be obvious: it makes for a golden photo opportunity. Mundane things, such as a day at the office or hitting the bar after work, suddenly seem a hundred—no, make that a thousand—times funner. So why don’t you grab a horse mask and add some laughs to your day? While you’re at it, pick up some NobleWorks birthday cards for her (whoever she is) today!

Here are the top 10 horse mask pictures!

10. Horse Mask Honeymoon

9. Horse Head Dog

8. Horse Mask Guy

7. Horse Mask Bearing Arms

6. Horses at the Bar

5. Romantic Horse Head Date

4. Horse Mask Rave

3. Horse Man in the Bathroom

2. Horse at Splash Mountain

1. Horse Man at Work

Top 10 Funny Easter Egg Photos

It's Easter time again, and with that comes whimsical Easter eggs to brighten your day and make you laugh. Why not boil up some eggs, bring out the paint and hide some Easter eggs and enjoy this Easter with your friends and family. Who knows? Maybe the Easter Bunny will hide beer at your house. Be sure to check out NobleWorks funny line of Easter greeting cards for friends and family members. You won't be sorry.

10. Vampire Easter Eggs

9. Happy Easter Eggs

8. Storm trooper Eggs

7. Broken Eggs

6. You Have Too Much Time on Your Hands, Easter Eggs

5. Tribute Easter Eggs

4. Optimistic Easter Eggs

3. Getting to Know You, Easter Eggs

2. Pokemon Easter Eggs

1. South Park Easter Eggs

Top 10 Creepiest Easter Rabbits

Other than Santa's lap, the only other laps parents ask their kids to sit on seems to be the Easter Rabbit. For some reason, some children are terrified of mutant-size rabbits with huge fangs and floppy ears. Who knew? Cute chocolate bunnies scare no one, however.  Maybe instead of taking your kids to see the Easter bunny, you can do a funny Easter egg hunt instead and save your child some therapy down the road.

10. Scary, White Rabbit

9. Mutant-Head Easter Rabbit

8. Pedo-Bunny

7. Vampire Easter Rabbit

6.Retro Bunny

5. Creepy Easter Bunny

4. Dust Bunny Easter Bunny

3. Easter Rabbit From the Land of Nightmares

2. Plotting to Kill You, Easter Rabbit

1. Easter Bunny Mugger

Top 10 Funny Easter Peeps

Easter peeps are an Easter favorite! But sometimes one can find herself with too many marsh mellow peeps around the Easter holiday. These cute little guys won't fit into a funny Easter card for brother or sister, that's for sure. So what to do with too many peeps? This is quite a delicious predicament.

Why not have some fun with your peeps and let them have fun. Here are just some funny peep dioramas other people have done with peeps to inspire you!

10. Sesame Peeps

9. Artsy Peeps

8. Sushi Peeps

7. Jesus Peeps

6. Simpsons Peeps

5. Alien Peeps

4. Jurassic Peeps

3. NASA Peeps

2. Zombie Peeps

1. Biblical Peeps

Top 10 Bizarre Experts

What career path did you want to be as a child growing up? We’re guessing it was something normal like being a teacher or a police officer (funny police jokes, anyone?) Maybe you even dreamed of being a lawyer and going to law school someday. Well, there are other jobs, and not only are these jobs you didn’t know existed, but they have their experts. How does one exactly study to be a chocolate beer expert? We didn’t see that major listed in our college course catalog before we graduated and received lots of funny graduation cards from family. We would like to present you with some very strange and bizarre experts that do exist. Who knew?

10. Porn Historian

9. Shredded  Cheese Authority

8. Cat Behavior Consultant.

7. Smarties Expert

6. Wizard, Mail Santa, Rasputin Impersonator

5. Bride Kidnapping Expert

4. Bread Scientist

3. Chocolate Beer Specialist

2. MILF Commander

1. Paperfolder

Top 10 Worst Mascots

Mascots are the symbols of team. They bring luck and help the crowd cheer for the team drumming up applause and excitement for the crowd. While the football players are asking the coaches if they are the hugs or kisses, the mascots are out there singing and dancing.

Some people are unfortunate enough to have bad mascots. And by bad, we mean HORRIBLE. Really, what were they thinking? A few of these mascots have been retired, but we remember. Let's look at the 10 worst mascots of all time. 

10. University of California, Santa Cruz: Banana Slug

9. Xavier University, Cincinnati: Blue Blob 

8. Delta State University, Cleveland: The Fighting Okra

7. Philadelphia 76ers: Hip Hop

6. University of Nebraska, Lincoln: Lil Red

5. Syracuse University in Syracuse, New York: Otto the Orange

4. Oregon: Roboduck

3. Seattle Sonics: Squatch

2. Stanford University, Stanford: Stanford Tree

1. Montreal Canadiens: Youppi

Top 10 Birthday Banner Sites

Maybe your birthday boy or girl doesn't want candy or flowers. Perhaps this person wants something different and more computer related. So make a birthday banner. That's different. Here's a list of the top 10 birthday banner sites we could find. Just don't forget the hilarious cards from NobleWorks Cards! Everyone loves birthday cards.

10. Live Banner Maker

9. Banner Fans

8. Banner Creator

7. Online Banner Generator

6. 3D Text Maker

5. Banner Sketch

4. Flash Vortex

3. Banner Snack

2. Templates Box

1. The PC Man

Top 3 Birthday Cake Recipes

Why go to the store when you can make your own cake? As long as you have the bowls and pans already, why not? These birthday cake recipes are the perfect addition to the humorous birthday cards you bought from NobleWorks. Stir up the laughs and whip up some delicious treats of your very own. People might even ask where you got the recipe. Don't worry, we won't tell.

Carmel Cake

THE CAKE:
16 tbsp. unsalted butter
3 cups cake flour, sifted
2 1/2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
1 cup milk
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups sugar
4 eggs

3 cake pans

3 bowls

1 mixer

THE FROSTING:
3 1/2 cups sugar
12 tbsp. unsalted butter, melted
2 (15-oz.) cans evaporated milk
1 egg
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 tsp. baking soda

Instructions

1. Heat oven to 400°. Butter and flour three 9″ cake pans, and set aside. Mix flour, baking powder, and salt in a bowl; set aside. Mix milk and vanilla in a bowl, and set aside. In the bowl with a mixer cream butter and sugar on medium-high speed until pale and fluffy, for about 4 minutes. Then add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition until the batter is smooth. Divide batter among prepared pans, and smooth with a rubber spatula. Tap pans lightly on a counter to expel any large air bubbles. Bake cakes until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean, about 25 minutes. Let cakes cool for 20 minutes in pans; invert onto wire racks, and let cool.

2. Make the icing and assemble the cake: Mix 3 cups sugar, butter, milk, and egg and set aside. Caramelize sugar in a small skillet over high heat, and cook, swirling pan, until sugar melts into an amber caramel, about 2 minutes. Immediately pour caramel into milk mixture, and bring to a boil over medium-high heat; attach a candy thermometer to side of pan, and cook, stirring bottom constantly with a wooden spoon, until thermometer reads 232°, about 40 minutes. Remove from heat and immediately stir in vanilla and baking soda; let sit for 1 minute. With a hand mixer, beat caramel mixture on medium-low speed until the consistency of loose pudding, about 1 minute. Immediately place one cake on a cake stand and pour over 1/2 cup caramel icing; top with second cake and pour over 1/2 cup icing. Top with third cake and pour remaining icing around the top edge of cake and then over the center. Quickly spread icing over sides of cake. Chill cake before serving.

Red Velvet Cake

Ingredients

THE CAKE:
16 tbsp. softened unsalted butter
2 3/4 cups cake flour, sifted
2 tbsp. Dutch-processed cocoa powder, sifted
1 tbsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
1 cup buttermilk
2 tbsp. red food coloring
1 tbsp. distilled white vinegar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs

2 cake pans

1 bowl

1 sauce pan

1 mixer

THE FROSTING:
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/3 cup flour
1 1/2 cups milk
1 1/2 cups unsalted butter, softened
2 tsp. vanilla extract

Instructions

1. Heat oven to 400°. Butter and flour two 8″ cake pans, and put them aside. Mix the flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt in a bowl, and put it aside. Mix the buttermilk, food coloring, vinegar, and vanilla in a bowl and put it. With a stand mixer, cream butter and sugar on medium-high speed until it looks fluffy. Then add eggs one at a time beating them as you go along. Now mix the contents of the bowl. Divide batter between the two pans, and smooth top. Tap the pans lightly on a counter get rid of air bubbles. Bake cakes until a toothpick inserted in middle comes out clean, about 30 minutes. Let cakes cool for 20 minutes in pans; invert onto wire racks, and let cool.

2. Make the frosting and finish the cake: Mix the sugar and flour in a 4-qt. saucepan; add milk and whisk until smooth. Stirring often, boil over medium heat; stirring constantly, until very thick. Then let the pudding cool. In stand mixer, beat butter and 1/4 of the pudding on medium-high speed until fluffy and smooth. Add ½ of the remaining pudding, beating until smooth, and then add remaining pudding and vanilla. Increase speed to high and beat frosting until white and fluffy, about 3 minutes. To finish, place one cake on a cake stand, and spread with 1 1/2 cups frosting. Place second cake over frosting; cover top and sides with remaining frosting.

Strawberry Cake

INGREDIENTS:

THE CAKE

17 tbsp. softened unsalted butter
3 cups flour, plus more for pans
½ tsp. salt
1 cup milk
½ cup strawberry jam
2 cups sugar
1 cup canola oil
1 tsp. vanilla extract
3 eggs
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
1 1-lb. box confectioners' sugar, sifted
1 tsp. strawberry extract

2 bowls

2 cake pans

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Put oven to 350°. Grease and flour two 9" round cake pans and set aside. Mix flour, baking powder, and salt in a medium bowl; set aside. Mix the milk and in a small bowl. Beat together sugar, oil, vanilla, and eggs in a mixer on medium-high speed until pale and smooth, 2–3 minutes in another bowl. In 3 additions, alternately add dry and wet ingredients to sugar mixture, beginning and ending with dry; mix until combined. Divide batter between prepared pans and smooth tops; bake until a toothpick inserted in the middle of cakes comes out clean, about 40 minutes.

 

Top 10 You-Had-One-Job Pictures

If the name doesn’t set you straight, these memes are funny photographs of people who made the simplest of mistakes. These people only had one job to do, yet still manage to mess things up beyond belief. If this doesn’t make you feel better about yourself, nothing will. Hopefully, these people won’t be accepting any free nose jobs anytime soon! 

10. Funny Tile Fail

9. Funny Canned Food

8. Funny Grocery Store Mistake

7. Funny Cookies

6. Funny Fruit

5. Funny Phone

4. Funny Soda

3. Funny Watermelon Corn

2. Funny Fire Lane

1. Funny Don't-Walk Sign

Top 7 Funniest Tweets on Twitter

If you're anything like us, you've seen some pretty funny twitter users. Or maybe even bought some of our hilarious twitter greeting cards for your friends or family members. That's why we decided to put together a list of the funniest tweets we could find on twitter. We hope you enjoy this list as much as we do.

Top 5 Animal Gifs

If you're wondering what a "gif" is, it's a moving image of a few frames played on a loop. We looked for the funniest dogs and craziest cats, and this is what we found. Enjoy!

5. Cat Fail

4. Cat & Cup Fail

3. Sinister Crow

2. Close Enough Dog

1. Well-Trained Dog Meals

Top 7 Funniest Cake Pictures

Have you ever seen a strange chocolate cake, funny birthday cake or a cake mistake that was too funny not to share? So have we. Here are our funniest cake pictures. Some are cool cakes, some are cake disasters and some are just plain funny. When celebrating with a cake, don't forget a funny greeting card to go with it. Funny cards and funny cake cards complement each other! Also, as a friendly tip, beware of cake farts. No one wants to lose an eyebrow while celebrating your birthday!

Top 7 Halloween Costumes to Fit Your Budget

Halloween doesn't have to mean spending a lot on expensive costumes. With just a simple trip to the store, or if you have supplies around, you can make your own costumes! Now, you'll have more money to spend on hilarious Halloween cards for friends and family members and delicious Halloween candy favorites.

Top 5 Things Boys Do We Love (Smashup)

There is a tumblr of inspirational love pictures aptly called Thingswedoboyslove. It gives girls hope that Mr. Right is out there waiting. This is not that tumblr. One day, someone created a meme from one of the images by posting an unflattering picture following what was an inspirational picture for maximum hilarity. It quickly went viral online. Here are our five favorites:

5. When Boys Have Blue Eyes and Dark Hair

4. When Boys Help You Choose Your Clothes

3. When Boys are Older

2. When Boys Can Cook

1. When Boys are Finally Yours

Top 8 Funniest Roller Coaster Pictures

Top 5 Air Bending Pictures

Some say this trend started in China, but it's really hard to pinpoint exactly. But, does it matter? It's pretty awesome. A bunch of friends get together and take a picture that looks like they've blasted away their friends with a blast of super-human strength.

Top 10 Pranks and Funny Prank Pictures

Top 10 Funniest Stock "Science" Photos

Top 7 Most Interesting Prom Dresses (or Worst Prom Dresses depending on your view of duct tape)

Top 9 Cat Hybrids